Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh says colleague will make a move on him

166 replies

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:10

DH has started working with a new colleague who he thinks it's only a matter of time before she will make a move on him. Apparently she has a reputation for this. They don't work together often but when they do they rely heavily on each other for business.

He says he is not interested, that if and when it does happen he will deal with it and it's ridiculous for me to be in any way upset.

I'm a little upset as he's obviously thought about it, he knows all about her background- growing up etc so they have already over shared, she is gorgeous and successful in a way he highly admires. I'm a sahm with nothing dynamic and interesting to say and almost a decade older.

I know this all sounds pathetic written down and I'm not sure what I'm asking from you all, just feeling a bit miserable about it and helps to get it off my chest I suppose.

OP posts:
Mrscaindingle · 07/02/2017 16:37

...because take it as a given that she would have no qualms in taking what she wants

How on earth could you possibly know this Jobana ?

I think it sounds like wishful thinking on the Ops 'D'H, we only have his word for it that this woman has a reputation for hitting on other men.

tobedo · 07/02/2017 16:39

TheNaze, what would she hear via a third party, that he had rebuffed an attractive woman's advances? How would anyone know?

Thephoneywar · 07/02/2017 16:44

Tobedo, what if she starts texting or messaging him and the OP see it. What if she tries something on and word gets out. There are so many ways that not saying something could make things a lot worse.

Better to be open and honest. Maybe the OP's husband is insecure and worried too and this is his way of being open. Maybe it's not that easy to inform a partner that someone else has the hots for you in a way that the partner won't get offended or paranoid.

SandyY2K · 07/02/2017 16:52

OP- do you get any time to yourself? Go out with friends? I think you need to build up your confidence and self esteem.

Looking after kids is hard work and very tiring, so try and get a regular activity for yourself, that isn't dependent on him being able to stay with the kids.

People are different, I'm not sure why he'd tell you that, especially as he has no interest. It's not something I would do if a colleague fancied me. I'd just deal with it myself.

I think if you work on your confidence and not let such comments affect you so much. Don't loose yourself by being a mum and a wife and do things for yourself i. e. Gym, spa, a hobby etc.
remember that he choose to marry you, knowing the age difference.

By the way 2/3 times is plenty enough and while he doesn't want to hear about averages.. He's the one who has a high sex drive. He's going to wear you out.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2017 16:55

But the woman at work has done nothing.

The only indication that the H has is that she has a 'reputation' and so 'it's only a matter of time'

More like he wishes.

I wouldn't expect my dp to tell me there's a girl at work who has a reputation and at some point she'll get round to him! What's the point in that sort of conversation?

It's like me saying to dp to be ready as at some point a man will find me attractive (I have a pulse I'm sure for some that's all that's required)... I'm not telling my dp that it's a likely probability at some point in the future because there's nothing to discuss at this moment.

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 17:00

There is absolutely no evidence that the woman in question 'has the hots for him'.

Yes, she's attractive. Yes, she has a job and is good at it. Possibly she has indeed shagged a colleague or two - I know back in the day I did, dammit, that's how I ended up with Mr Inferior - but to assume that this inevitably means she will eschew her lingerie for the OP's DH is jumping to a lot of conclusions and is pretty bloody insulting IMO.

It sounds a lot more like sexist wishful preening on his part.

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 17:16

Open and honest about what Phoney?

The women has not done anything. It is all office gossip and the mans wishful thinking and huge ego.

It appears all she has done is be good at her job and is attractive......christ that must mean shes a maneater Hmm

Man gossiping about a women he fancies = woman is at fault and poor man must protect himself by spreading more gossip.

Naicehamshop · 07/02/2017 17:17

God - he sounds like a total, total twat. Tell him to get over himself. Hmm

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 17:21

Thanks for the replies although I'm torn now and don't know what to do. For those of you that have said he is being honest albeit clumsily, I just appreciate he can be open with me and move on. For those that think it's more sinister - what do I do?! Do I say anything or do I just keep an eye on things - not sure how as I don't go to his workplace, Don't socialise regularly with colleagues and don't check his phone etc.

In terms of me and my well being, I'm trying to work on that. You're all right, I do need something for 'me' in my life.

Thank you.

OP posts:
seabreezewavingtrees · 07/02/2017 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 17:30

If my husband came home from work and told me this I would laugh right in his face then tell him to fuck off to his fantasy bachelor pad

This bloke sounds like a complete prick. Who else is he telling that it's just a matter of time until this woman makes a play for him ?

Jesus there are some braindead tolerant women on here. It constantly amazes me just how much disrespect some of you will suck up, and urge others to do likewise

This guy is setting op up. He is hoping to shag this woman, blame her for being the office bike and op for not opening her legs enough. Whether this OW reciprocates is completely beside the point.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 17:34

So what do I do?! I'm not going to ltb for something that hasn't happened.

OP posts:
NapQueen · 07/02/2017 17:36

My immediate response would be "well she make all the moves she wants but if you respond to them that is all on you"

He is trying to make excuses for "if something happens" already!

Tbh I'd really find it hard to stay in a relationship with someone who plays so many games with my self esteem.

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 17:39

His utter disrepect of you has already happened

venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 17:40

I agree with Napqueen. I'd think about what you are willing to put up with, and what you aren't.

Thephoneywar · 07/02/2017 17:44

How is it disrespectful to jokingly tell your partner that someone might have the hots from you. I would tell my partner and he would tell me. Stop projecting your own insecurities onto others. People like to be fancied and if you cannot tell your OH I feel sorry for you.

RacoonBandit · 07/02/2017 17:46

Have I missed a post from OP which says this women has told the husband she has the hots for him?

venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 17:46

She said she has low self esteem. At best it's a total dick move. At worst it's a deliberate attempt to manipulate and control her by making her feel like she needs to do more to keep him.

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 17:51

It's disrespectful - actually I just think it's mean - to wind your partner up about something that is a total fantasy on your part based on a woman's 'reputation'. It's also profoundly disrespectful to the colleague to assume she's got the hots for him based on that reputation.

How does that somehow add up to our insecurity? I'm quite happy for my DP to work with pretty, high-powered women. Possibly some of them fancy him (if they have a Thing about shortish middle-aged bloke of a Traditional Bengali Build. He is after all quite delightful if you like that sort of chap). I don't assume that they're to

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 17:51

...that they're going to be putting moves on him, though.

Hidingtonothing · 07/02/2017 17:55

I agree with NapQueen and Anyfucker OP (and NapQueen's response is perfect) he is setting up his excuse for something happening and trying to plant a seed in your mind that it's not his fault if it does. I would make it crystal clear you will blame him and him alone if he cheats and that he would be kissing his relationship with you goodbye if he did. Other than that and keeping an eye on his behaviour for signs he's up to something there's not much you can do. I do agree that some work on your self esteem is a good idea though, who knows you might end up realising you can do better and leaving him to his wishful thinking.

jcne · 07/02/2017 17:55

the dh sounds a bit Hmm tbh

RoseDeGambrinus · 07/02/2017 17:57

Rather than this one conversation, the thing I'm shocked about is getting grumpy with his partner about not getting sex when it's usually 4-5 times a week! He sounds a charmer...

AnyFucker · 07/02/2017 17:57

I am completely secure. That is why I will not tolerate manipulation and mind games like this.

So many people have this arse way about. Being secure means you guard your boundaries with utter clarity ....it doesn't mean you have to be cool with dipshittery like this

Whocansay · 07/02/2017 17:59

Why on earth are you taking what he says on face value? Why would this seemingly beautiful and successful woman want to shag some balding, married guy with an expanding waist? It is all in his head!

He is winding you up to try and get you to open your legs more. He sounds like a chauvinist wanker, who is messing with your self esteem.