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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh says colleague will make a move on him

166 replies

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:10

DH has started working with a new colleague who he thinks it's only a matter of time before she will make a move on him. Apparently she has a reputation for this. They don't work together often but when they do they rely heavily on each other for business.

He says he is not interested, that if and when it does happen he will deal with it and it's ridiculous for me to be in any way upset.

I'm a little upset as he's obviously thought about it, he knows all about her background- growing up etc so they have already over shared, she is gorgeous and successful in a way he highly admires. I'm a sahm with nothing dynamic and interesting to say and almost a decade older.

I know this all sounds pathetic written down and I'm not sure what I'm asking from you all, just feeling a bit miserable about it and helps to get it off my chest I suppose.

OP posts:

merville · 07/02/2017 16:02

he is good looking, successful and wealthy.

He wouldn't be as wealthy having to pay spouse & child support for 3 kids ... something OW sometimes overlook. Also his wealth & success have been reliant on you being a sahm who runs the household and provides full-time childcare (while he works long hours).
Take the attitude that if he did anything, he's not worth having as a husband and he can fk off - and pay as much as a good solicitor can get out of him. Sounds like you do 99% of the childcare anyway.

2-3 times a week? I'm in a 13 yr relationship, no kids, and seriously I'd think it was amazing if we had sex once a month. (And it's been that way a long time). That's not necessarily healthy either, but I get no pressure and no fear of infidelity, no-one should.

Original poster

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 16:04

No I'm not sure and I will never have any way to find out.

In terms of sex it's actually probably more like 4-5 times a week, it's twice at an absolute minimum. I've lurked in the threads about mismatched sex drives and there seems to be a real split about that too. He has put me under pressure in the past but seems to be better about it recently......

OP posts:

Original poster

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 16:05

In fairness he does recognise my contribution to his success and yes I do all of the childcare.

OP posts:

Thephoneywar · 07/02/2017 16:08

Yes friendly and fun.

What options does he have in this scenario. Let's say there really is a woman at work making subtle suggestions to him and or he's picked up on certain body language and clues.

Option A. Say nothing and hope it blows over.

Option B. Say nothing and she makes a move or starts texting him or being obvious. You find out later and have lost trust in him for being a sneak.

Option C. Tell you openly in a matter of fact way and hope you don't freak out.

Option D. Be open with you in a silly, humourous way to try and bypass the tension.

Imagine if the roles were reversed. A hot man at work was making it clear to you he fancied you. Would you hide it or tell you husband. Would you tell him in a serious way or a light hearted way.

I think the best approach is to not get all paranoid and flustered but to laugh along with him and be open about this kind of stuff.

WannaBe · 07/02/2017 16:09

There's a vast difference between coming home and saying there's someone in the office who has a reputation for getting involved with colleagues, and coming home and saying that it's only a matter of time before she comes on to him. The former is just office gossip really, the latter sounds like that's what he's hoping for. Although personally I can never understand how anyone (male or female) falls into the trap of getting involved with someone who has a reputation for coming on to everyone. And I'd use that one to my advantage by saying "really? Well given she's not that picky you clearly ain't that special sunshine. .

Ohyesiam · 07/02/2017 16:10

Scarlett freestone that's one hell of a jump from someone who (allegedly) has lots of sexual encounters with men, to sexual harassment. Hasn't rtwt, got hijacked by your post...... Will read it now

venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 16:13

Of course it will "blow over" phoney -unless he wants something to happen and responds accordingly, he has absolutely no need to say anything to the OP at all

The guy is clearly a massive wanker.

SherlockStones · 07/02/2017 16:13

Dammed if you do damned if you don't.

So I take most of you who replied in this thread would be fine with him keeping it to himself?

This site is so predictable.

aginghippy · 07/02/2017 16:14

I'm willing to bet money that this woman has no interest in him at all. She probably has not actually shagged any work colleague and her 'reputation' is just sexist nonsense.

TatianaLarina · 07/02/2017 16:14

it's not completely improbable she'd like him, he is good looking, successful and wealthy

He's also a bit old, married and a dick.

He's trying to pressurise you into more sex by using her as competition.

The description of her sounds like typical sexist gossip in a chauvinist work environment.

WannaBe · 07/02/2017 16:14

"Imagine if the roles were reversed. A hot man at work was making it clear to you he fancied you. Would you hide it or tell you husband. Would you tell him in a serious way or a light hearted way." Have been here. Not quite at work but someone I know used to do some work not far from here, and on a couple of occasions he would call and pop round for coffee. I mentioned it to a mutual friend and she said "did he try and get you into bed?" I was and she then went on to say that he had a bit of a reputation for such things. I had no idea as he'd never said or done anything inappropriate in my company - ever. i did tell DP though. There was no reason not to, and besides I hadn't considered him to be the type.

But at no point would I have implied that it's only a matter of time until he tries to get me into bed. Why would I?

Thephoneywar · 07/02/2017 16:16

I don't think he's a wanker. Why does it all have to be secrets and lies and jealousy and stress. He says he loves OP and thinks she beautiful. Sounds like youre projecting your own insecurities.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2017 16:17

Keeping what to himself Sherlock, office gossip and the fact he "thinks " he might get hit on by an attractive woman.

I don't know, part of me says yes I'd want him to say it so I knew just how much of an utter knob he was, the other part would say, I don't want to know he's a gossiping letchy old bastard.

venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 16:17

I wouldn't know anything if he kept the complete non event that he had started working with a woman to himself, Sherlock, so why would I care?

He's being a dick.

venusinscorpio · 07/02/2017 16:18

Did some goady fucker klaxon go off that I missed?

TurnipCake · 07/02/2017 16:20

Well yes, what people say totally reflects their actions, so the OP clearly has nothing to worry about because her OH calls her beautiful

Venus

jobanana · 07/02/2017 16:21

Obviously 'tell him she's a whore' was slightly tongue in cheek

SherlockStones · 07/02/2017 16:21

Bluntness100

Because attractive women don't go for older men do they?

Perhaps he simply sees things going in that direction, I find it funny he's being called a knob, bastard and the like as I said very typical of this site.

jobanana · 07/02/2017 16:23

But she probably is. And I thought the same - he's saying this because he's already planning it. Really sorry but it just sounds totally off and I know why you don't like it and seriously, her past behaviour is relevant. If she did go for it, are you sure he wouldn't?

TurnipCake · 07/02/2017 16:24

Well putting pressure on someone to have sex with them as OP mentioned upthread would definitely win a knob token to be deposited in the LTB vending machine

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2017 16:28

Because attractive women don't go for older men do they?

Ohyesiam · 07/02/2017 16:30

Op, you only need to'get a grip' in the sense that if you find a way to not be so triggered by this, your life will be easier.
You do not need to get a grip, as in 'this is not important, and you shouldn't be bothered. '
I think your reaction is understandable, and I think he's been manipulative to tell you. Labeling it as " honesty" is a bit misleading too. Apparently it's a Buddhist thing that if you are thinking of saying something to be honest, you need to ask yourself "is it kind?" and " does it need to be said?" too. And I don't think it would have got through the filter if he has done that.
So for arguements sake, let's say he didn't think it through, and couldn't resist validating himself by telling you. It sound a bit mid life crisis/ male ego. Not wise, but we all do stupid things at times. And given that the only thing you can change in this is your response to it, how could you improve your self view? Despite doing the world's most important job , it sounds like being out in the world a bit more would give you some skills, and less time to brood?
When I had moderate depression, I started volunteering at my youngest 's school for a day a week. Although I've never really been interested in education , or working with kids, it was a really good move, and gave me more confidence.
Once you have found something to boost you a bit, you can look at him and decide if he is a long term asshole, or was Just in a bumpy patch.
Best of luck with it all, be gentle with yourself .

Kittencatkins123 · 07/02/2017 16:31

I really feel you need to work on yourself, your confidence, your life away from the marriage as you sound very down on yourself and that makes it harder to ignore or to tell him twat off re this woman at work scenario and also (more crucially) re your sex life. Does he respect your sex drive and happiness at 2-3 times a week. Do you genuinely want to have sex this often? Also sex isn't a 'need' - it's a want and requires you to want it too.

TheNaze73 · 07/02/2017 16:33

I think he's being transparent, open & honest. If he'd kept quiet & youd heard via a third party, that sonething had nearly happened, he'd be accused of hiding things

motherinferior · 07/02/2017 16:37

Ah yes, all bright attractive women just sleep their way to the top, you know. feelthy hoors that they are. Your poor husband.

Yeah, right.

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