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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh says colleague will make a move on him

166 replies

Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:10

DH has started working with a new colleague who he thinks it's only a matter of time before she will make a move on him. Apparently she has a reputation for this. They don't work together often but when they do they rely heavily on each other for business.

He says he is not interested, that if and when it does happen he will deal with it and it's ridiculous for me to be in any way upset.

I'm a little upset as he's obviously thought about it, he knows all about her background- growing up etc so they have already over shared, she is gorgeous and successful in a way he highly admires. I'm a sahm with nothing dynamic and interesting to say and almost a decade older.

I know this all sounds pathetic written down and I'm not sure what I'm asking from you all, just feeling a bit miserable about it and helps to get it off my chest I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:42

Thanks for all your messages. He works with lots of women, often goes away for conferences etc so it's not that I don't trust him generally.

In my mind it's all blown out of proportion I expect. I know they are working together alone on Saturday morning and I'm imagining all sorts. Probably need to pull myself together.

Yes kitten I do need to work on my confidence, I've been a sahm for 10 years and have totally lost my identity.

OP posts:
DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 07/02/2017 14:42

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (I mean no disrespect to you or your husband but have had a similar experience in a past relationship)

There is absolutely no reason for your husband to even mention that "something is going to potentially happen in the future" other than inflating his ego and making you feel like crap.

You say "I'm just a sahm" as if you are in competition here... you're not - other than the fact that he has heard she's a bit of a go-er, there is nothing going on and nothing has happened so discussing her background etc with you is nothing more than a crappy way of making you feel insecure.

I can't get my head around why he would even mention this to you given that, as he has stated, nothing has happened?!?

What this tells me is that he is trying to make you insecure, or more insecure - which is a d-ck move and not to be expected from your partner and father of your child/ children.

Is he having a bit of a Mid-life crisis - potentially. It sounds like he's crying out for attention and to prove he's still wanted and attractive.
My advice would also be to keep in mind that it's his responsibility to stay faithful to you. You are not in control of how he behaves, he's a grown man with the ability to say no. Him trying to generate jealousy from you is a weak attempt to pander to his ego and you just need to say
"I trust that if you were ever in a position to cheat, you'd make the right decision for you"
It's not up to you to keep your partner faithful - your responsibility is to be faithful to him and that's it!!!

CityMole · 07/02/2017 14:43

I can't think of any (good) reasons as to why he has even mentioned this to you unless:

  1. he is firing a shot across your bows as to what a bigshot STUD he is; or
  2. he's setting the scene for him being seduced and it being all the fault of the durty lady harlot;
  3. he is playing with your low self esteem;
  4. he is just a massive twat/ thick as pigshit.

Assuming he is aware that you have self-esteem issues, he is certainly NOT telling you in the interests of caring and sharing in an above board manner- because, if you love and care for somebody and you know they will be hurt by you sharing irrelevant information then you just would NOT share it. And unless he is planning on shagging her or super tickled at the thought that she likes him, then it IS irrelevant information. Yet he has shared it. Why?

Prat.

TurnipCake · 07/02/2017 14:44

Use this time to work on you, OP.

"Yes dear" to all his petty bullshit. Is there something you're keen to do or learn? When is the last time you took yourself out for something nice, or done something with friends?

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:47

Ok, so initially I was thinking I need to get a grip and now I wondering if there is more to it......I'm pretty confident nothing has happened but I think he is enjoying this more than he should. I think if the roles were reversed I think in all honesty I'd be slightly flattered but actually more than anything uncomfortable and be avoiding situations alone.

OP posts:
DinosaursArentMakeBelieve · 07/02/2017 14:49

I don't think you need to get a grip at all. I think he's playing with your insecurities- and there may be a number of reasons why he's doing that but really it's either to boost his own ego or to make you feel like crap...

Giving you a "heads up" that someone is going to hit on him doesn't give him a pass to do anything about it?

loveyoutothemoon · 07/02/2017 14:51

I agree with the other posters that he's saying this because of your lack of sex and that it's maybe a threat. Either something has already happened and he's coming up with a cover or it's a cover and he wants something to happen.

Why mention it otherwise? That's just mean.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:53

turnip I don't know anymore. We have 3 children under 10 and he works every spare hour. He suggested I go on holiday on my own or with friends to get away and have a break.

citymole going on experience Id say most likely 4. Possibly 3. He will be the first to admit he is not the most sensitive thoughtful of people.....

Midlife crisis a definite possibility, he is struggling with the whole hairline, waistline thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 14:55

The sex thing is quite a big issue for us. We have sex about 2-3 times a week but it's not enough. It makes him quite grumpy but that's a whole other thread!

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 07/02/2017 15:00

I was expecting you to say more like 2-3 times a month!

SolomanDaisy · 07/02/2017 15:09

Haha, I bet she has no interest in him whatsoever. She's a gorgeous, successful single woman, she doesn't need to chase married men. He needs a serious rethink about his attitude to women.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/02/2017 15:13

2-3 times a week is not lacking a sex life.

I think your H is paving the way for him having an affair.

He does not sound nice at all.

Thinkingofausername1 · 07/02/2017 15:23

Yes tell him you won't have sex with him again if he gives into her because you don't want an sti!!

GloriaGaynor · 07/02/2017 15:25

I think it's most likely that he's deluding himself and he's about to make a big fool of himself. She's 10 years younger, good looking and successful why on earth would she fancy him?

Otherwise he's been flirting with her and is painting her as femme fatale so that if he fucks up it's not his fault.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 15:33

it's not completely improbable she'd like him, he is good looking, successful and wealthy. Pretty much like all the other men she has 'apparently' been with. It's all a bit of a cliche really.

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 07/02/2017 15:42

Can't you be a bit more chilled and light hearted about it. Maybe tease him a little and make it funny and not dramatic. Yes it's probably an ego boost but he's not hiding anything from you. Rather than getting paranoid and worrying, laugh along with him and make it friendly and fun. He's said he loves you and that you're beautiful. Fretting and worrying will only cause you more stress.

aginghippy · 07/02/2017 15:47

How often do YOU want sex?

2-3 times a week would be plenty for me.

Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 15:48

phoneywar I wish I had been and I was hoping for people to tell me I'm being silly but there seems to be a bit of a split in opinion as to whether I actually have something to worry about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredsahm · 07/02/2017 15:49

2-3 is plenty for me but not for him. He has explained it's irrelevant what the average is etc as we all have different needs.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 07/02/2017 15:52

Friendly and fun? Hmm

aginghippy · 07/02/2017 15:53

Yes people's sex drives vary, but why are his 'needs' more important than yours?

ImperialBlether · 07/02/2017 15:53

I think alarm bells should be ringing. If something does happen, too, he'll blame her for being a maneater and you for not wanting sex often enough.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2017 15:54

I can't believe he actually said that, sorry he is a massive twat. He's mixing "he wishes" and trying to make you jealous. How big headed is this guy. Ffs. If he was mine I'd tell him to get over himself fast.

TurnipCake · 07/02/2017 15:56

Honestly, I'd prefer to have sex once/twice a day, my OH is 9 years older and we're long-distance, so it's around once every 3 weeks, if that, and when we're together for longer periods, it's about 2-3 times a week. I'm not a grumpy git about it, nor do I declare that all of these glamorous colleagues are interested in jump-starting me.

The more I hear about this guy, the less I like the sound of him.

reallyanotherone · 07/02/2017 15:59

Your husband is an arse.

When i was in my 20's, and single, we had a good office vibe, had lots of students on placement and so had a reasonable social side.

I went out on these nights frequently, had a laugh, thought it was fun. Turned up to one to find a manager's wife there, and a distinctly odd atmosphere.

Turned out he'd told his wife there was something going on between us. Lord knows why, to make her jealous? He'd also told all the senior colleagues, who'd assumed i was a husband stealing whore.

It was one of the senior colleagues partners who id met before took me to one side and told me what was happening. I was gobsmacked and just laughed. She fortunately was relieved as she had though i wasn't like that, and everyone went back to thinking the guy was a bit of a dick instead.

You are only getting his side. Are you sure it's her about to make a move and not him?

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