Women who "have it all"

[GetAGlance]

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

I thought I had it all, good job, husband who loved me and I him, healthy children conceived and birthed without problem.
Then husband decided he didn't love me enough and he left.
I was devastated, although with the knowledge of hindsight the relationship could have been better on both sides, but we were young and I didn't know that.
Friends couldn't believe it, and I did hear "but you had it all".

I met now DH, fell in love and moved in together then decided to marry.
Friends said, it's everything you deserve after Ex (who isn't a bad person, just did a shit thing, but felt he had no choice - note: I didn't feel like this at the time!).
We really did have it all, he has since said "last January (just after we decided to marry) I thought I had everything I could wish for". He was then diagnosed with inoperable cancer, and is now dying. We didn't have it all for anything like long enough.

No one really knows the finer details behind how people get to where they are.

Luck, luck, luck and circumstances.

The only good choice that I credit myself with, is that age 27 I sought help with addiction, this led to a process of recovery that rebuilt my mental health and self-esteem, essential for having future healthy relationships.

Every other blessing in my life is down to luck or providence. Supportive parents = education = good job and steady income. DH's good luck or hard work, whichever you prefer, mostly paid for our lovely home. Luck or providence gave us two gorgeous healthy kids (one has had some serious health issues which are fortunately improving now).

I have no illusions that I can control my life or that I deserve the good things I have, any more than any other human being. I know that life can change in an instant. I am daily thankful for the blessings I have and try to help others.

💐Chasingsquirrels

ChasingSquirrels - So sorry for what you're going through.

The only good choice that I credit myself with, is that age 27 I sought help with addiction, this led to a process of recovery that rebuilt my mental health and self-esteem, essential for having future healthy relationships.

Surely you can see that that's a huge one, though? Perhaps you're not giving yourself enough credit.

ChasingSquirrels

Squirrels

As with most things (everything?) it's part choice and part chance

Exactly

I have made good choices in life that have improved my chances and are paying off in later life. Nothing is guaranteed though and others who have made good choices haven't been so lucky.

There's no doubt an element of others making different choices and envying me my situation when they weren't willing to defer gratification and invest as I have.

I'd still stay the majority of my friends and acquaintances aren't like that though and the ones who envy are few and the ones who forget the sacrifices I've made in years gone by.

Jobanana and Trills you both make really interesting points.

I would hazard a guess that the people who don't 'get' luck come from functional family backgrounds. Someone mentioned the concept of delayed gratification, it's also worth thinking about the proven link between both abusive backgrounds/poverty and delayed gratification/ability to plan and hope for the future.

There is some crazy smugness on this thread that really doesn't reflect well on the posters.

I love what Jobanana said about reframing experience. Having a supportive husband is all good but having travelled, made friends of all walks of life (or hell, even having had loads of great exciting sex with bad boys) is also pretty cool, if you look at it differently.

There are no winners and losers in life. And those who feel full of pride that they have planned so carefully financially and romantically could get hit by a bus tomorrow as easily as anyone else.

Im interested in the words choice/sacrifice. For instance, choice inplies active decision making, whereas sacrifice suggests, to me, anyway, a negative situation.

I have it all because I have the inner strength to not accept shitty treatment from ex DH, despite my upbringing at the hands of a narc mother.

I dont begrudge anyone their happiness & contentment. Its a shame, though, that ive been found wanting by some 'friends' who can't/won't understand I did everything I could culminating in a breakthrough (as opposed to breakdown)

Im grateful to still be here, to be best mum I can be. Gratitude, every time.

I consider that I have it all.
I have an adult son who has his problems and challenges but loves me with all his heart (as I do him)
I live in a nice flat in a nice quiet and safe area with a grumpy cat. Not sure if she loves me, but I love her.
I have a casual partner who comes round often enough to keep me interested, but not often enough for me to get fed up of him. (So every 1-2 weeks.)
I have a career that I find fulfilling and I have a financial plan for my future which I feel confidence about fulfilling.

None of these things have been achieved without a mixture of luck and hard work.

I feel lucky that my son is still a) alive - major MH problems and b) in my life - he was my H's son and after hid dad died we had no legal tie

I feel lucky, or perhaps privileged is the word, to be able to live where I do. I got here through hard work, but I am aware that a spate of bad luck could have (still can now) see me on the streets or back living in crappy temp accommodation.

The strangest thing is that I had a terrible childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse, but surviving that abuse has made me what I am. If I hadn't been abused, without a doubt I would not be living the life I am now. So what does that say about choices versus luck?

Hmmmm, I used to be like moomin and crumbs1. Don't think soon to be ex ticked any of the boxes for most people, but he adored me, we were soul mates, he was a great dad and I was willing to make sacrifices in the interest of the bigger picture. Don't mean to offend but looking back I too was quietly smug.

People can change though. His behaviour certainly did and whilst on the outside we still seemed to have it all- the pain and misery he put me through behind the scenes was unbearable-still is-I can't get my head around it.

So what I'm saying is, be thankful if your choice panned out-but don't think it was a lack of sense, sacrifice, or hard work that lead others to a less fortunate situation.

Cinnamon2013' imthink you might guess wrong. I am one of the 'smug' but certainly didn't grow up with a silver spoon anywhere near my mouth. I lived in extreme poverty (one pair of shoes between my sister and I, cling film in the window instead of glass) and my father died at 10 years of age. My older two children probably remember the taste of Tesco value bread and beans. I simply decided at about 10 years of age that I did not want to live like that as an adult. I got myself a scholarship, I got myself an education and I worked very hard at leaving my childhood disadvantage behind me. I don't deny it and still look after my aged mother but it is no longer who I am. Mine was entirely a conscious choice about what I wanted and how to achieve that. I get some people are not as 'lucky' but I believe passionately that we have a considerable degree of control about how we react to what life throws at us.

My father wasn't 10, I was!

No one has it all, op.
I have a kind of boring, simple life. Am happily married etc. I had an abusive childhood so my aims for adulthood were very low. All I wanted was my own car, a job and a family. I often feel a bit lost, but look together from the outside in.

Crumbs I didn't read your post before I posted, but it makes perfect sense and reminds me of my own aims.

Someone mentioned the concept of delayed gratification, it's also worth thinking about the proven link between both abusive backgrounds/poverty and delayed gratification/ability to plan and hope for the future

That was me

Please could you explain a little more about the link you mentioned?

Whilst I was not bought up in poverty, my parents worked a number of jobs concurrently to be the first in the family to buy their own home and I funded myself as a mature student to be the first to go to university. I'd love to know if there's a link between my upbringing and my need to save/invest whilst many of my peers haven't been driven to do the same.

This is such a great thread, I'm really enjoying the responses of so many who are promoting me to stretch my thinking a little more.

Interesting thread.

Some is luck, some is judgement. Lots is learning from mistakes and not compromising on certain things. Some people make poor choices - the bad boy type is a bad pick every time. Some people just get unlucky - someone who seems decent but ends up treating them badly. It's more about how you react to it and learn from it at that point. Do you go for another bad boy? Then you're making a mistake. It's more complex with other situations. Financial/physical and emotional abuse can skew your reality and it's important to support not blame women.

I didn't have a great upbringing in many ways. I've had a few relationships which weren't great. I think what lead to me making better descisions was deciding to take responsibility for those decisions. In my early 30s I ended a relationship (engaged, together a long time) not because of any terrible behaviour but more because of low level shitness. After that I decided I'd rather be single than compromise. Of course everything is a compromise but there were certain things I decided I would not put up with again.
Then I met dh, who, a bit like moomins chap, is a sensible but lovely creature. I too was mocked for it.
I took a big risk moving to his country and marrying him - but it paid off. I have a nice husband , nice house and good job.

So luck, in meeting him in the first place, an ability to learn from shitty choices made in the past, and to reflect on I could/ should have done differently. And the willingness to take a calculated risk to leave everything I knew behind.

I'd also say that comparison is the thief of joy. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. You're only seeing the outward material trappings. Just because someone has a nice car and nice house it doesn't mean they are truly happy.

squirrels so sorry :(

It is interesting how posters assume my life has been full of unicorns and rose petals.
I'm not going into details, like most people good and bad things have happened. But we have a choice about how we deal with hard times. We all make mistakes but we have a choice about how we respond to our mistakes. I think we should help and support people who make poor decisions, in terms of welfare and the health service.

However, the first step to getting better is accepting you have made a mistake. There can be a tendancy to assume other people were just handed happiness on a plate and I don't think that happens to anyone.

In relation to luck the majority of posters were born in a developed country, after the advent of feminism. In terms of the worlds population we have all won the lottery of life.

I think the elephant in the room here is that whether it's luck or choices, it tends to be women who are disproportionately affected.

It's still the case that it tends to be women more than men who are abused. Women more than men who take the greater career hit when having children. When a couple split, it's still the case that in 90% of cases, the children stay with mum. Restricting her earning potential and often reducing her living standards, limiting the opportunities she can take, tagging her with the 'poor single mother' brand.

Men just don't get the fall out as much. There are few penalties for those who abuse their partners and none for those who just abandon their families, few penalties for those who fail to pay maintenance. Often a man can walk out of a family and develop a new lease of life, unfettered by childcare demands he is happy to delegate to his ex partner and free to spend 'his' money as he wants. They can often appear to have it all much more so than women.

I believe it's a mixture of luck, the background and experiences you have, and your own decision making. I just think that the odds are even more tipped against you if you're a female. And that makes me sad when we then accuse women of being the architects of their own misfortune in a society that positively encourages women to indulge shitty behaviour on the part of men.

And no, I'm not some rampant man-hating harpy. I'm very happily settled, thank you. To a man who agrees with everything I've just written.

Having it all is undoubtedly a very fragile thing. I hesitate to say I have it all for fear of tempting fate to take it from me. I had very serious mental health problems in my 20s and spent most of my 30s piecing myself back together, clinging on to employment, being very lonely and poor, making dubious choices in partners. Eventually (late 50s) I have a beautiful clever teenage son who I think will turn out well, and the kindest of lovely husbands, we both earn very well in jobs we like and have a lovely home. But it could all just crumple tomorrow and i know it - one health scare (we've had a few lately) and you just want your normal life back. I never take it for granted - I remember days when I just struggled to get through the next five minutes. But I know people, young women at work particularly, look at me and think I've got it all sorted. If only they knew the path it took to get here.

Dh and I may appear to "have it all". We met young, married, a daughter and a son came along, we have a home we own and both work full time. We get along very well, parent 50 50, our kids have very happy and fulfilled and we do lots of wholesome activities etc.

However we have money worries (we are both on very low incomes), have had a miscarriage, lost dhs sister at age 27 very suddenly, haven't been abroad in forever.

We are blessed overall, but appearances really aren't all they seem.

Really interesting thread. Regarding growing up in poverty, I'd love to know what it is or why it is that some kids manage to escape/ break the cycle when most don't. Statistically, being brought up in poverty, chaotic lifestyle, addiction, unemployment etc is a big determinant of those things affecting your own life. So what is different about the kids who, like Crumbs, just decide "This is not for me", and go off and achieve success?

Thanks Curry btw! :)