Women who "have it all"

[GetAGlance]

I've always been a bit "off centre". Led an unconventional, sometimes interesting life, you could say. But also quite a difficult one. Men have been occasionally interesting but zero support. The same with family.

Anyway, I am now living in a slightly different mileau (more middle class, suburban), and I am noticing for the first time, looking round, quite "sorted" women. By this I mean women who have married well to good men they love who are emotionally caring and financially responsible. Imagine! I am guessing they just they seemed to know what they wanted from an early age - marriage, children, etc. And then went about it the right way (rather than sadness, difficulty and drama). Sometimes it feels a bit strange being in their company, almost as if I am a black sheep (single mother etc), or at least feeling very different.

Anyway, these are new, sometimes uncomfortable, feelings to me, and I am wondering what to make of them. I feel hesitant to post this, but anyone comprendez?

I think I'm going to bow out. I really don't think luck exists in terms of relationships, I think it is down to hard work and hard decisions

So those of us who thought we'd met our Mr Right, been the best person we could be and yet have still been shat upon from a great height are somehow responsible for that then because we are somehow lacking?

My friends who are truly wonderful people, who have had situations beyond their control who have struggled are somehow deserving of that?

I'm sorry, but I don't buy the concept that life is fair and that I'm superior to anyone else because I'm fortunate.

Making wise decisions doesn't equate to being morally deserving of happiness any more than having a less common but highly saleable skill means you're more deserving of financial good fortune than someone who works equally as hard without those skills. If that were the case, philandering husbands the world over would be getting their comeuppances and doctors would earn more than footballers.

I think some people have this idea of 'The One'. Unfortunately that ideal doesn't exist.

I am also one of those women OP who seem to have it all (or so I am told at least). But very few people know the kind of hard work I did for nearly 6-7 years to be here. One very abuive broken relationship led to another and then I met DH and recognised he was the kind who can shift between alpha and beta if it comes down to children. By then I had learnt lessons, lost some years of my hard work and youth and it also cost me health wise though it's not an obvious ailment so people don't know but I had learnt valuable life lessons and skills. I am mid 30s now and am very grateful to be where I am. I am working hard to go further but it's not a perfect life. I would love to have a healthy body. But realistically speaking, I know I won't "have it all" ever now and I will have to manage it throughout my life.
If you have youth, health and a will to do it, you will get it in the end. Good luck.

derxa, there may be something in that

but I also think it is difficult for women who have had their pick of men to imagine that there are other women who, for one reason or another, are not in a position to choose from a pool which includes even one half-decent man

Are you saying I was lucky to find my lovely husband? No I chose him.

cory
I agree with you. I don't think there was any other man like DH around at that time. I got lucky. Some are not that lucky. Life is so unfair sometimes.

You can look at the world of showbiz in fact you can blame them. It's all about looks and abs. My dad gave me a piece of good advice. It doesn't matter what people look like.

Bad boys. I didn't want that, didn't choose that and was laughed at. OK. So now I am supposed to say "oh dear that is very sad, you chose a bad boy

Wow. Yes, smug is the word. So despite my taking every reasonable precaution before marrying my ex, the fact that many years later he changed is my fault? My fault he abandoned me? My fault he lied and cheated? Please tell me, what exactly it is that I should have done?

Oh I've had that life. Career, house, children, interested and involved husband. We were never madly wealthy but we both choose to work part time (him 80% me 60%) to maximise time spent with out children as it was more important to us at the time. I must have looked a bit 'have it all' as several people remarked how 'lucky' I was to have my H. I never regarded it as lucky - I purposefully married someone with a similar outlook on life, similar goals; potential to be a good father; would prioritise family etc etc ....

...and it all worked really rather well until he upped and buggered off just as my children started school (17 years into our relationship). I'm not sure luck came into it there either. It wasn't my 'bad luck' that he had the most cliched of mid life crises and it wasn't my fault either. Probably I just hadn't chosen as well as I'd thought.

Anyway, one of the more interesting things about finding myself divorced in the middle of other 'have it all' women are the revelations about their private lives that I otherwise wouldn't have been party to. They seem quite happy to talk about problems, fears, insecurities and disappointments in their lives and marriages now that one of us has 'failed' as it were. And some of it I have been genuinely surprised by. I also know that several were pretty rocked by my own situation (if my decent family man could up and leave, could theirs?) so I agree wholeheartedly with whoever said that it might look perfect on the surface but won't necessarily be underneath.

I can still fall victim to feeling that they're having a better time / have made better choices than me if I'm not careful though and I understand the 'black sheep' feelings to some degree.

Agree with needshalo

There is an implication here that women who find themselves in abusive relationships are to blame for choosing to put themselves in that position. So wrong.

Interesting thread!

I have it all in terms of my relationship, not in other ways. We met as teenagers and he was really nice to me, and funny, clever and looked after me as I kind of needed it a bit at that time. He still does.
I consider myself lucky for being in the right place at the right time to have met him, but also bloody pleased that I always have felt attracted to people who are nice to me.

It must be horrendous when someone turns out to be nice as first and ends up abusive.
I know quite a few friends who are attracted to men who are uninterested, bad boys, need mothering. I'm pleased my genetic makeup/experiences in life made me attracted to a very nice person.

I would also like to say I have 2 single parent friends, who have amazing happy, fulfilling lives!! Happiness isn't conditional to being in a relationship!!

Corythatwas

but I also think it is difficult for women who have had their pick of men to imagine that there are other women who, for one reason or another, are not in a position to choose from a pool which includes even one half-decent man

They certainly aren't able to understand the utterly soul-destroying loneliness that bites in from time to time and at its worst can make someone feel that even a known bad bet is better that another freaking night alone.

I think what Elspeth wrote about having her dad as a good role model is important, as a result I don't believe it's just down to pure luck (unless having a good role model in your life counts as luck).

I also had an excellent father which set the bar high for me and I met and married a very beautiful man both inside and out who is a wonderful father and dh. We have been married over 20 years. (But our relationship isn't perfect as he suffers from ED).

My dfriend has a sulky, bad tempered verbally abusive dh but she puts up with him anyway because he has his good points, she says.

Her dd who is now 20 is engaged to a similarly sulky, controlling and bad tempered man so even though I recognise red flags flying neither mother nor daughter do because that's what they are used to.

My other dfriend is single and left a dreadfully abusive marriage even though he had been charming until they fell pregnant.

She had chosen not to 'see' any red flags (which were many, before she married) because she was desperate to marry and conceive before hitting 40.

She was in a high powered career with long hours so she didn't get to meet many suitable men.

So I believe that the odds of choosing an abusive dh are much higher if you haven't had a good dad role model in your life or if your dh is in anyway jealous of you/the baby or your success.

Also there are plenty of women who do everything for their sons: spoiling them and not expecting them to help out at home or others and then their future partners wonder why they are useless/ selfish and thoughtless!

I think it is somewhat down to luck - luck to be born into a family which will give you the upbringing that will give you good self-esteem.

Some of it is down to being able to delay gratification/think through what you really want etc. But maybe that is down to luck too.

I probably look like a woman who has it all. Lovely husband, financial security, good career, nice children.

The reality of course is a bit different. My husband is lovely - best man I know but I emigrated for his job. That was really hard. not everyone could or would do that. I thought it was worth it - but it was still hard. We didn't own our own home for years after our friends because we emigrated for his career. We delayed having children until we were in our 30s so we could get established. I went back to work after having children so I could have my own career. We paid a ton of money in childcare (more than one net salary for a couple of years) so we could keep going career-wise. And of course we have the same worries as anyone in our lives and about our children, one of whom has significant MH issues. The good thing is we have each other for support and help dealing with this.

Someone said upthread that your husband could be the nicest person in the world but he could still leave you age 50. But if my husband did that, I would still be in a fairly good position mostly due to decisions I made because of my parents (back to luck here). I have never given up my own earning potential. I have always maintained and prioritised friendships. I have always made sure our money is our money. So if dh fecked off now with another woman, I would be financially independent, have complete access to all our money, have friends and family support etc. Yeah I'd be pissed but I wouldn't be fucked.

But I made those decisions because I was lucky enough to be born into a family that taught me to do that. And yes, like others, the older I get the more I realise that it wasn't just my mum who influenced me. My dad really set a standard for me with men - I expect men to behave well and don't want to relate if they don't.

I often read posts on here from women who are tolerating stuff from men that it wouldn't cross my mind to tolerate. More and more that seems to me to be a really significant advantage in life. The ability to see the red flags and run rather than rationalise. To say "he has lied to me he is out" as opposed to saying "I know he lied but I love him and he can be lovely to me". Don't know how you get that though.

OP, I felt your post was sad. I think your early years and some bad luck made it hard for you. But it is never too late to think about what you want and deserve and make decisions accordingly. You seem like you are in a good place now and you are probably young enough (younger than me anyway). You can be the kind of person who really thinks about what she deserves from now on.

I was very very careful with choosing who to marry. It was the most carefully thought out rational decision in my life.

That was the best thing I ever did. My partner choice is the reason behind my professional success + domestic fulfilment.

It's a mix of luck and good decisions of course as with most things in life - careers too. E.g.

Luck - stable loving upbringing so high expectations of men good respectful relationship normal to you and high confidence. Happen to be attractive to men.

Decision - dump boyfriends who display red flags early don't stick with them and have children. Work in female dominated profession in your twenties, rarely go out, don't have hobbies or 0LD.

Women who have 'chosen what they want' make you feel uncomfortable and like a black sheep?
Then you clearly have deeper issues that need addressing.
My life is far from perfect. We've had a traumatic experience. Our Health isn't great. But I had the common sense to recognise a very good man, when I saw him all those years ago. I have a part time job I love and generally want for nothing. But then I am quite easily pleased and low maintenance : re no interest in expensive clothes or designer handbags!! Plus I've worked hard to get here and I deserve to enjoy it. Going out with my friends makes me happy.
I think you may be looking at this all wrong,

I was lucky in that my parents were very happily married. I would always fall asleep to the sound of them laughing together or dancing to Elton John In turn they gave me good self-esteem so that, even as a teenager, I would dump boys who were texting other girls or not kind enough to me. DH is not the most exciting or charismatic, or the most (traditionally) handsome. But - he made it clear from the start it was all about me, supports me in whatever way I need, and is funny and clever in a low-key way. We have had tough times, his mental health wasn't great in the early days, but we are equals who value each other, just like my mum and dad do. We doscuss everything, never argue but thrash things out and compromise. We make time for each other. So yes, there is an element of luck, but also dedication and compromise in spades.

I don't think that this was ever a good thread that went bad. I think it was a bad thread, with strange responses to this he first 4 posts, then even stranger accusations of 'angry'.

However, it has NOW turned into a fascinating discussion.

I too struggle with the issue of luck. To those pp's before, how do you think it's luck, please?

I find it very interesting, but I can't quite see how luck comes into it, that much.

Luck that the 2 people even met?

How is it luck that he wanted to marry her? Is it not that she had the insight to 'recognise' (probably quite early on) that he was a good sort and thus he was worth continuing the relationship with?
She could have left and gone and dated someone else. But she chose not to. That was her 'choice'. How is that luck?

I find this whole idea of luck/ being grateful, quite Difficult. How much is luck? If you are generally a nice enough person, chose a job, chose a husband, have nice friends. Is that because you had the sense to make good choices. Or is it just luck that you have managed to maintain good friendships for 1 year/10 years etc?

Great point Trills 👍

*And because some people are very attached to the idea that no part of their successful happy life is down to luck.

If they accepted that some of it was luck, they would have to believe that their luck could change.

And that's too scary to allow.*

Really great point Trills!

Everyone choosing the perfect husband, what about love? Hoe do you choose who you fall in love with?
Or is that just me being young and naive?

My mum would say she got lucky meeting my dad, yet he's hardly perfect husband or father material. They do love each other though, and twenty years later still going strong!
One of my mums friends dated the perfect potential husband/father, she did everything right. Worked on her career and he his, bought a house, got engaged and were due to marry on their 10th anniversary of meeting. She turned up in tears at our house a few months before the wedding. He'd been sleeping with a 20 year old who worked at a fast food chain! And she was pregnant. At 37 she's now single and panicking about time running out for babies, he's moved the 20 year old in to what would have been her perfect family home.

Nobody " has it all" all the time. Everybody's life has its ups and downs. Some of the good things that have happened in mylife have been down to luck ( born in to a family with 2 loving parents, reasonably intelligent and good looking (in my youth)) .But most of what I have achieved has been hard work, delayed gratification and planning. Even with the best hand the breaks don't just fall in to your lap.

Yes, what about the reverse? What about the people who are dealt a shit hand: poor, 'took you to stately homes', abused.... who then go on to have not 'it all', because we agree most people don't have 'it all', but they do have 'it good'.

Is it 50/50 luck /judgement? 40/60? 30/70?