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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 18:39

I think it was also the fact he noticed she'd gone early and asked where she was. I can't think of another friend he would do that with. He seemed disappointed.

I think the main thing I'm trying to work out is what will be achieved by talking to him about this.

OP posts:
CruellaDeVilsEvilSister · 05/02/2017 18:43

The thing is Sandy I don't think you can assign the same motivations to both of the sexes. Obviously your behaviour is completely innocent but it doesn't follow that the OP's husbands behaviour is. Sadly it's much more likely that it isn't.

50shadesofknackered · 05/02/2017 19:29

Bloody hell op, why all the handwringing over this situation? I would have gone nuclear if this was my dh and he would have been in no doubt that if it happened again our relationship would be over. To me this is completely disrespectful and insulting. You have noticed that he fancies her, your friends will have noticed and so will the woman in question. I'm sorry, thats too much humiliation for me. Get a grip and have it out with him. Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, looking jealous, or being wrong. How you feel is important, why are you more worried about how he feels? He isn't worrying about you when he's fawning all over her. This isn't about 'man hating' or screaming ltb (which I don't think AF was actually saying) its about boundaries and self respect imo. This behaviour would be crossing a line and I wouldn't tolerate it. I'm not jealous or controlling, there are just some things I won't stand for. If my husband didn't like it he is perfectly free to fuck off and find some poor sap who will!

CruellaDeVilsEvilSister · 05/02/2017 19:38

Too right 50Shades! He knows exactly what he's doing. Trust your instincts OP!

jujubeanz · 05/02/2017 19:54

God I think people are really mixing up flirting with what the op's partner appears to be doing, which is behaving slightly differently around someone he clearly has a crush on. You know when you click with someone and become more animated and laugh more with them for instance? I wouldn't necessarily call that flirting, and he may not even realise he's doing it.

You would have been clocked "watching him closely". Stuff like that does not go un noticed.

So dramatic Grin. If I'm watching a band or in the pub chatting I'm not going to be watching someone watch someone else, wtaf.Confused

Look it's not nice to think of our partners fancying other people, normally it's out of sight out of mind with this stuff, but unfortunately this woman is in your circle of friends. I don't think there's any harm in making him aware that you've noticed so he can maybe keep his distance a bit more to spare your feelings, but I certainly wouldn't be bollocking him for it cos it really doesn't sound like he's done anything sly or wrong!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2017 19:54

Yay for 50Shades.

BiscuitMillionaire · 05/02/2017 19:58

I think the best tactic would be to tease him about it - make him feel embarrassed about it. So make it clear you've noticed but not make a big drama out of it (which he would deny).

pseudonymph · 05/02/2017 20:12

Exactly Biscuit

MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 21:48

I would have gone nuclear if this was my dh and he would have been in no doubt that if it happened again our relationship would be over.

And if my husband threatened to leave me and 'went nuclear' because I was a bit nice to an attractive person I'd consider myself very much better off without. All these people who see this as some big crisis (and who seem determined that OP should feel the same) - isn't it exhausting being in a relationship where something like this could become such a drama?

Hedgehog80 · 05/02/2017 21:53

I'd just stop socialising with them, if you mention it it will cause tension I expect and if you can avoid that then all good.
Just let the contact die down to nothing and get on with life.
I had a couple of friends that dh has never met for fear of this very scenario as I think they are far too attractive and I couldn't even bear to see him speak to them innocently so really feelfor you if it's obvious how your dh is feeling

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2017 21:58

I would have gone nuclear if this was my dh and he would have been in no doubt that if it happened again our relationship would be over.

DrScholl · 05/02/2017 21:58

most of the mumsnet LTB folk can't be in a functioning cooperative marriage where people are allowed to get things wrong

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2017 22:00

I had a couple of friends that dh has never met for fear of this very scenario as I think they are far too attractive and I couldn't even bear to see him speak to them innocently so really feelfor you if it's obvious how your dh is feeling

jobanana · 05/02/2017 22:33

So long as she isn't interested in him, it's not a problem.

If she really isn't, then I'd just try to ignore it. Fuck him. It's stupid behaviour and not v respectful to you, but nothing more.

Hedgehog80 · 05/02/2017 22:45

I haven't lost any friends-I just avoid situations where dh would meet them. The only time I was a bit sad was when one of my closest friends suggested a family outing and I couldn't as didn't want dh meeting her.
Totally my issue and insecurities. Childhood trauma and emotional abuse has left massive scars. We don't try to deal with it or change it we simply recognise the problem and avoid anything that triggers

trappedinsuburbia · 05/02/2017 22:49

Can you make a light hearted joke of it?
I remember someone married I suspected fancied me once (I can't even remember who it was now) and his wife made some kind of joke (nicely) about it, she handled it really well and it took any tension away, I was certainly never a threat or remotely interested (I was much younger than them).

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 22:54

I think jokey is going to be the way forward. Can't work out whether to wait and see how he is at the dinner party towards her or mention it before with the risk of it being awkward.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 05/02/2017 23:02

I don't know, its awkward if you've never really had a conversation like it before.
I'd just say something like, oh friends name is coming for dinner remember and let her get a word in edgeways this time.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 05/02/2017 23:14

I had someone make a 'joke' of me fancying her husband at a works do. It was excruciating, as I absolutely didn't fancy him, and the tumbleweed in the group was horrendous as she made her 'lighthearted remarks' which had obviously been pre-prepared to ward off young women away from her (not even remotely) attractive older husband.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, I'm not immune, I once felt very jealous when my new neighbour (who I'd met first) and my husband arranged to go out on a bike ride with the children, as she was very pretty, but once it became clear I was welcome on the ride too and we became really close friends as a foursome, I saw it for what it was, a transient petty emotion. Also, once I got to know her better, I could see that the idea of him and her was really not plausible, she was far too uptight about some stuff and he was not nearly co-operative for her. The 'fear' (she's more perfect than me) just dissipated.

In this type of situation, even if I knew I was being irrational, I might talk to my husband, just because I turn to him, I wouldn't ask him to change though because I trust him in these type of situations, and we enjoy being sociable and animated when out.

jobanana · 06/02/2017 07:23

Actually 50 Shades is right. And my saying it's ok so long as the woman doesn't fancy him is because I think if she did, he'd be susceptible. So yes you probably should just tell him to stop it. I can't remember if you said you had. If you haven't said a word about it, then you should. I too would have said wtf.

Oblomov17 · 06/02/2017 07:38

This thread is quite strange. I can't make my mind up about it.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 · 06/02/2017 07:45

Everyone seems to be assuming that he does actually fancy this woman. There is another explanation. I would say there are a couple of men I behave in the way described with. It's not that I fancy them it is that I am socially uncomfortable and they make me feel less uncomfortable. They are easy to speak to, which I am very grateful for, and they don't make me feel awkward or isolated.

There are women I am that way with too but it would not be so noticeable that my behaviour changes.

Biggoals17 · 06/02/2017 08:03

Erm okay!
Am I the only one here who finds this wrong?
When did it become okay for a married man to flirt with another woman in front of his wife..
Shouldn't it be his wife he is doing the flirting with?
I think the peoples whos relationshipso need work are the people the allow this.
Personally yes have conversations with other women.. We are aloud friends but.. really?
Save the flirting for your relationships guys! Dear me.

jujubeanz · 06/02/2017 08:07

The OP has said he wasn't flirting. I repeat, not flirting.

OnionKnight · 06/02/2017 08:08

He's not fucking flirting!