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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH fancies one of my friends.

349 replies

Delatron · 04/02/2017 19:30

I'm not sure whether to let it go or talk to him about it.

She is more a friend of a friend who we socialise with occasionally. DH becomes much more animated around her, sort of showing off? Spends much longer talking to her than any other of my friends and to be honest I can just tell IYSWIM.

She's happily married as we are (mostly).
It just really annoys me the way he behaves around her but I don't think it would be obvious to other people. I just know him! I don't think he'd ever try it on with her or anything though. Don't think she fancies him back if that matters either.

So do I..
A) Ignore it as some silly crush. Nothing will ever happen so does it actually matter?
B) Talk to him, say I've noticed and it's quite hurtful. He will deny it though and most likely be annoyed.
C) Avoid socialising with them. We are more friends of friends so could potentially just avoid going out when I know she'll be there without it having too much of an effect on our social life. We only only see her roughly every 6 weeks or so.

I know most people in relationships fancy other people and don't act on it. It's just annoying to have it played out in front of my face and he behaves a bit like a school boy and I find it disrespectful to me.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 16:08

Thanks AF, every day is a school day.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 16:09

Op, I have been the fancied friend and it killed a friendship which was very sad.

I called him out on it once in front of a crowd to try and stop it.

Try that.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/02/2017 16:49

To be fair though Sandy, being upset, and flirting, are not the same.
I agree, the upset you would notice, where others wouldn't, but flirting, good friends would notice.

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 16:53

I actually don't think others would have noticed, certainly not my friends. No flirting. I just know him. For example, trying to rationalise this to myself, whilst hewas talking to her I was taking to a different friend's husband. However, there were natural pauses in the conversation where we paused to watch the band, we were standing side by side rather than facing and close. Then someone else joined us, we chatted to other people and so forth.
I keep using the word animated but it's hard to describe, it was like he was trying to be the best, most interesting version of himself, lots of hand gestures, eye contact, trying to be witty from what I could see. And then when they left early pointedly asking where they were (I hadn't noticed).

So no flirting or being disrespectful. I just know him.

He was out all day yesterday and we've had a family meal today. I still feel like a low key approach is best. No drama just let him know I can tell he has a soft spot for her and I'd like him to think a bit more about how he behaves around her. He wouldn't fawn over her at dinner though as it would be far too obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:05

She seemed quite interested in the conversation too, happy to chat for ages, so even if she has clocked he has a soft spot for her, she doesn't seem offended by the attention, I am not sure she fancies him but definitely enjoys a chat with him. She's a friend of a friend rather than a close friend.

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 17:14

People will have noticed op.

You won't be the only person to know him.

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:17

Also agree with Nowtabout. Fancying someone in your circle of friends, who you see quite often and socialise is completely different to a celebrity crush.

I have also been guilty of fancying other men, at work for example. My approach to this is to do the opposite, I reduce contactl, I don't flirt, I don't talk to them more than other people. In other words when you are married and have a crush you either stamp it out due to respect for your marriage or you fan the flames of that crush.. I know which is most harmful to a marriage...

OP posts:
Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:19

Maybe other people did notice, it's hard to tell whether I was just watching him closely as I'd clocked it before. It was a busy pub, Everyone was a bit tipsy, chatting, dancing.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 17:29

You would have been clocked "watching him closely". Stuff like that does not go un noticed.

MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 17:32

You would have been clocked "watching him closely". Stuff like that does not go un noticed.

You surely can't imagine that making her feel self-conscious like this is helpful to the OP? So what are you doing? Amusing yourself at her expense?

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:32

Hmm I thought I was 'subtly' watching him closely! Pretending to watch the band, looking at him out of the corner of my eye. I don't know, everyone else was chatting to each other, not sure they were paying attention to either me or him. It's hard to tell.

OP posts:
Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 05/02/2017 17:34

This is getting weirder. That doesn't sound like flirting. It just sounds like two people in a noisy place chatting animatedly. You know him best. If my husband pulled me up on chatting enthusiastically to a friend/acquaintance in a noisy venue like this, I'd be mortified, but not because I had done anything wrong.

Speaking to the opposite sex, even if they are attractive, isn't wrong, this is bonkers!

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 17:39

Margaret, I am taking the op's discomfort seriously. She started a thread about it after all. People don't generally do that unless something has really been bothering them. Unless you think it is inconsequential ?

Bluntness100 · 05/02/2017 17:40

Never seeing her again seems very appealing right now...

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 17:43

I don't agree you should never see her again either.

Tell your husband to rein it in. Job done.

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:43

Yep, I said that earlier, me speaking to him about it won't stop him fancying her!

That's why I was asking for advice about the best approach. You can't stop somebody fancying another person.

OP posts:
MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 17:46

Well, actually, I do think it's a bit inconsequential, and I think it's pretty likely that the healthiest response would be for the OP to recognise that her own insecurities seem to have played a huge role in shaping her reactions to a fairly innocuous event. However, that aside: you're not 'recognising' her discomfort, you're adding to it. You seem intent on making her feel that she was publicly humiliated, in the face of all the assertions by the OP (the only one who was actually there!) that probably no one else noticed.

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 17:58

Bluntness To be honest I know it won't stop him fancying her but I would actually like him to hide the fact around me!

Yes, maybe it is my own insecurities but it's just seeing him so different around her that irks me. I am not cross with him and I could just brush it under the carpet. He just looks like an excited child around her. It's hard to watch. I hide it if I fancy other people so I think he should too.

OP posts:
CruellaDeVilsEvilSister · 05/02/2017 18:13

I'm with AnyFucker. You need to explain to him how he's making you feel. This stops now. Tell him that in the future he is to be cordial with this woman but nothing more. Explain that you will be watching him very carefully. If he can't show your marriage even the most basic respect by following your wishes then he's out,

Does he have other female friends OP? I think it's unlikely that this is a one off.

OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 18:17

The more you post, the more it sounds like a mountain out of a molehill.

You're not even sure if he was flirting, he was talking to her and using hand gestures, there was no touching, no brushing against her and she wasn't unhappy with whatever he was saying.

OnionKnight · 05/02/2017 18:18

Tell him that in the future he is to be cordial with this woman but nothing more. Explain that you will be watching him very carefully. If he can't show your marriage even the most basic respect by following your wishes then he's out,

Seriously, WTF?

Original poster
Delatron · 05/02/2017 18:21

I never said he was flirting. I said I can tell he fancies her. As someone upthread said you can always tell in these situations. They
way he is with her, the way he looks at her is different to other female friends. I'm not saying that is right or wrong just that I know him and I can tell he has a crush on her.

My question was always do I pull him up on this and let him know I know (and what would that achieve?) or do I let it go and say nothing.

OP posts:
Saffy222 · 05/02/2017 18:23

I can't believe that I'm reading some of these posts. Cruella, are you for real?

pseudonymph · 05/02/2017 18:29

Mentioning it to him might well stop him fancying her - in most cases people can stop crushes if they want to, and realising that your enjoyable secret crush is not secret and is pissing off your DP often causes it to evaporate.

In some ways it's irrelevant whether other people noticed or not. I think people often do pick up on these things, but even if they didn't, you noticed and that is important in itself. Also it's definitely possible that your friends, and the woman, might notice in the future, which will be awkward for everyone.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - he doesn't even have to acknowledge it's true, he just needs to stop doing it.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2017 18:29

Sometimes I've been a different version of myself like you describe, but it's not because I fancied the people in question at all. It was actually three people a who I wouldn't usually converse with.

I caught myself doing this recently and reflected on why I was doing it. My DH wasn't around, but other family members were.

I think I just wanted to show a less serious side of myself to the people, who wouldn't usually see me that way.

With your recent posts, I see it as a noisy atmosphere and he would have had to speak louder and potentially use hand gestures with the music going on.

There are a couple of male friends (of my DB and BIL) and one is my cousins DH that I find very interesting to talk to and my behaviour with them, may well appear different to the onlooker, but that's not because I fancy them in any way, I just enjoy talking to them.

They're easy to talk to and are quite outgoing personality wise.

Maybe that's all it is with your DH.