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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf has secretly ordered HIV test kit

199 replies

boredofthisnow16 · 04/02/2017 15:30

Please help me, I apologise for any typos as this is going to be rushed.

I am visiting my bf of two months and be is currently at work,I'm at his house and went to go on my emails (he doesn't mind this leaves his laptop on for me to use). His hotmail account was still logged in and rightly or wrongly, I snooped.

Just over a week ago he ordered an at home hiv test that you do and send off. Wtf.. I don't know what to think? I can't exactly confront as he will know I snooped. He is putting my health at risk though if he truly thinks he might have it.. He is due home in 30 mins I need to think and act fast

OP posts:
Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 05/02/2017 10:47

Thanks for replies, even the harsh ones. Has opened my eyes

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 10:50

Next time, think about the risks of STI'S before you have unprotected sex. You have learned the harsh way, but there is an even harder path to follow. Hopefully not one you will have to go down this time, nor in the future

GinIsIn · 05/02/2017 11:09

In future, remember that in an adult relationship you both have responsibility for your sexual health. You don't know what anyone's past holds - use protection until you are at the point in a relationship where you can have a mature conversation about getting tested. Then go and get tested together.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 05/02/2017 11:10

Why are you still hanging around him if you're planning on not seeing him again? Why did you even meet for dinner?

You sound awfully childish.

Manepartner · 05/02/2017 12:11

Fucking hell. OP you need to grow up and fast. You went out for dinner, spent th night with this guy and are now planning to leave and never see him again. ALL without any sort of conversation about the issue Hmm

Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 05/02/2017 12:23

Because I am very far from home and cannot afford a ticket, there's no point discussing it, the secretive behaviour pkus other things that have happened have made me realise I'm not going to continue this.

Yes I realise jvr made a mistake and am "childish" thanks though to all who have continually pointed that out and made me feel worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 05/02/2017 12:25

Another train ticket *

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 12:27

Op, you must be going out of your mind and I have been where you are and more than once.

If your boyfriend received a positive result it wouldn't be the end of the world and the relationship doesn't need to end.

He may not even have to take meds straightaway, it would depend on his count.

These days, HIV positive people can still have sex without condoms and can even become pregnant the old fashioned way.

I see by some of the responses on this thread are keeping the stigma attached to HUV/AIDS alive.

The fact that he has had sex without a condom without knowing is status us reckless.

But, you also had unprotected sex with him without beibf certain if your own status.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 12:30

Op, I doubt very much that the majority of posters insisted on testing before they had unprotected sex with a new partner.

Please don't best yourself up.

For peace of mind get yourself tested asap.

merville · 05/02/2017 12:31

I actually don't believe that everyone in the UK gets a full STD screen before they embark on a new condom-free sexual relationship. I think it's one of those mumsnet myths. If everyone had tests in that situation then the sexual health services would collapse within a day!

100% agree, was taken aback at how much judgement OP has gotten on this.
Personally I do use condoms before mutual testing (though I must admit I had broken that rule once or twice b4 testing with my now husband) ... but I've always thought, just by talking to other people, that I seemed to be very much in a minority.

Even just the amount of sex I know of that happens when people are very drunk and more risk-taking/silly (and possibly incapable of using condoms correctly if they did), combined with the fact there seem to be so many men who will not use them given the opportunity, combined with so many women being on implants, pills etc., making condoms not nec. for them as contraception .. made me think as much or more sex that happens is unprotected.

Manepartner · 05/02/2017 12:32

there's no point discussing it,. REALLY Confused

HIV is a MAJOR issue, of course there is a point in discussing it. Take your head out of the sand ffs.

And next time you get with someone, aside from the condom issue, always make sure you are able to get home safely. Not being able to afford another train ticket makes you massively vulnerable.

Manepartner · 05/02/2017 12:33

Just to be clear, I'm not judging the OP for having unprotected sex without a screening check being done, but to not face up to problems when they arise? That's quite something.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 12:35

Mane, she probably isn't thinking straight.

Imagine the worry.

merville · 05/02/2017 12:36

On the testing front; I though there was a not quite as reliable but reasonable test available now for hiv that does not need a 3 month wait. I think I saw it in use on an embarrassing bodies type programme about young people & sexual health.
You could look into getting that along with a full screen perhaps? He should have insisted on condoms if he had the slightest doubt about having hiv. all you can do now is check yourself out.

merville · 05/02/2017 12:36

sorry 'thought', not though

Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 05/02/2017 12:49

Yes mane I know it's a major issue! Hence the original post! I meant I'm not discussing it with him because I am done with him after this. I'm not just gonna flit off home and not get tested.

OP posts:
DaphneDeLaFontaine · 05/02/2017 12:52

Is this the only reason?

loveyoutothemoon · 05/02/2017 12:59

myheartbelongstoG These days, HIV positive people can still have sex without condoms and can even become pregnant the old fashioned way.

How does this work??

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 13:02

Once you take meds and become undetectable you can go right ahead.

MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 13:03

Many Medical professionals consider Diabetes a far more chronic condition.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/02/2017 13:08

Ah OK. Just been reading up on it all. Far less people go on to develop AIDS these days due to medicine advances.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 05/02/2017 13:08

One reason for the rising rates of new HIV infections is thought to be this attitude that is now give out, that its not a big deal anymore because of all the advances. People aren't scared of HIV the way they used to be, and have got very complacent about it.
This isn't a good thing.

loveyoutothemoon · 05/02/2017 13:09

I'm not sure why the OP has decided to end it just because she's discovered this and not asked him?!

Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 05/02/2017 13:10

Other reasons too but this is the final nail in the coffin

OP posts:
MyheartbelongstoG · 05/02/2017 13:13

The advances have been amazing!

You really can live a normal life with HIV. Unfortunately the stigma attached to it is still alive and kicking.

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