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Original poster

Bf has secretly ordered HIV test kit

199 replies

boredofthisnow16 · 04/02/2017 15:30

Please help me, I apologise for any typos as this is going to be rushed.

I am visiting my bf of two months and be is currently at work,I'm at his house and went to go on my emails (he doesn't mind this leaves his laptop on for me to use). His hotmail account was still logged in and rightly or wrongly, I snooped.

Just over a week ago he ordered an at home hiv test that you do and send off. Wtf.. I don't know what to think? I can't exactly confront as he will know I snooped. He is putting my health at risk though if he truly thinks he might have it.. He is due home in 30 mins I need to think and act fast

OP posts:
Lules · 04/02/2017 17:22

I don't see what he's done wrong, unless he has specific knowledge that a previous partner was HIV positive. Getting tested is a sensible thing to do. People should do it more. Anyone who has had unprotected sex could have caught it. As a PP said he could even have got it from you, unless you were tested before you began this relationship?

PaterPower · 04/02/2017 17:35

The problem is, Lules that even if you take this as him being "responsible" he's only testing himself for HIV. He's not going to know if he has anything else - chlamydia, syphillis, gonorrhoea etc.

They'd all but eradicated some of those infections but they've made massive comebacks recently. Big portions of the adult population seem to think that, because HIV/AIDS is no longer as fatal, it's suddenly ok to throw the condoms away.

Emboo19 · 04/02/2017 17:40

If he ordered it over a week ago, it's likely he's already done the test and presumably he's clean.

I'd have to ask him though. You will just have to admit you snooped, and deal with the consequence.
Also very odd and worrying getting you, to do a pregnancy test. What was his reason for that?

Emboo19 · 04/02/2017 17:46

I think having had a quick goggle, some home tests can check for over sti's. Not everything though!
Also worth remembering unprotected sex, isn't the only way to catch hiv. He may have other reasons for wanting to regularly check himself.

Lules · 04/02/2017 17:46

I get that Pater but I don't see how it's worse to check for 1 thing than check for nothing.

Emboo19 · 04/02/2017 17:47

Other not over

ddssdd · 04/02/2017 17:53

Hi, op. I've name changed to reply to your post. My heart goes out to you.

A friend of mine has HIV and the sad thing is that she doesn't know where she got it from. I hope all turns out okay for you. It's a scary time. Please confront him & ask him to go to a clinic where the results are going to be (IMO) more accurate.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 17:54

the sad thing is that she doesn't know where she got it from

How is that the sad thing? What does it matter where she got it from?

UnicornButtplug · 04/02/2017 17:57

Have you definitely had sex since jess ordered the test? If yes I would go ape unless he can show he had the results back before.

It could be that he found out an ex had it and ordered the test as soon as he found out and had the result before any further sex with OP therefore no need to mention it.

ddssdd · 04/02/2017 18:00

Narky, I meant in the sense that she could have had it for years & potentially affected other people. That is the sad thing. She said so herself.

user1485706893 · 04/02/2017 18:07

Regardless of the fact a lot of think the OP was being irresponsible, that isnt really the concern here. The problem is that her bf had unprotected sex with some one who he thinks is hiv positive before he met the OP and he has STILL been having unprotected sex with her for as long as 8 weeks.
Boredofthisnow16, you need to get yourself tested asap, and I would seriously reconsider your relationship with this man who has risked your life multiple times when all he needed to do was wear a condom. No matter what you decide on if you confront or not, please get yourself checked out as soon as it's absolutely possible. I'm sorry this is happening to you, good luck for the future.
P.s we all trust people we shouldn't sometimes, don't beat yourself up.

ddssdd · 04/02/2017 18:11

Well said user

SandyY2K · 04/02/2017 18:11

Why would he think you were pregnant? Did you tell him you're late? That sounds very odd behaviour to me.

IntoTheDeep · 04/02/2017 18:20

I would have to ask him about this, it would eat away at me otherwise.

Maybe start the conversation with something like "I didn't mean to snoop, but your e-mail was open when I went on your laptop to check mine, and I saw your e-mail about the HIV test...."

Suggest to him that you both go and get yourself checked out completely at a clinic, as he clearly thinks it's possible that one or both of you is carrying at least one STD. Make sure you use condoms from now until you've both been checked and know you're both clear of STDs. You need to get yourself checked out properly regardless of how he responds.

And honestly.... if he seriously thinks it's likely that he's been exposed to HIV, and he's been having unprotected sex with you despite knowing this? I'd be having serious doubts about continuing with this relationship.

Hope things turn out okay for you.

QueenoftheAndals · 04/02/2017 18:29

He ordered and made me take a pregnancy test after 5 qweek "just to be sure"

Um, do you really want to be going out with a guy who "makes" you do stuff like this OP? It's smacks of being controlling and I'd see it as a red flag.

Wackelle · 04/02/2017 18:32

But don't you have to wait 3 months for a HIV test to work correctly? So testing now is pointless.

No real advise OP I think you need to sit down and have a chat, don't necessarily say you've seen the email.

Wackelle · 04/02/2017 18:36

The email you saw though, was it full STI screening or just HIV?

Seems odd to test for one without the others IYSWIM

seabreezewavingtrees · 04/02/2017 18:37

op first of all dont panic, there are so mamy variables here. But get yourself tested.
The pregnancy test thing seems strange. Is he the anxious type? IE: You're on the pill but he googles it, reads something about a lady that was already pregnant because it took a while for the pill to take effect and then convinces himself that would be just his luck and promptly gets you a test? Same way with the hiv test, there's nothing that's particularly prompted him to do it other than that he knows that unprotected sex means he could have contracted something and he's googling and suddenly convinces himself that he has it and is too scared to go to a clinic so orders online? Could that be it? A googlediagnostician?
If he's never told you that he definitely doesn't have HIV or any other STDs, but then he's ordered online then that is sneaky and shows that he was lying and willing to put you at risk without you knowing. However, if he's made you aware that he's had unprotected sex in the past and that he's not recently had confirmation that he is negative then both of you surely knew that there was a chance that he could be positive (which is a risk applicable generally to all those having unprotected sex with people whose hiv status is unknown to them). So in those circumstances him ordering a test is sensible. It would have been better for him to discuss it with you but I'm just not sure it's sneaky unless he really has led you to believe that he's a person with absolutely no need to be tested.
I know pps have said it's a bit of a MN myth to get tested before a new relationship, but is it really? It's not about trust, it's about being informed. If someone tells you that you won't catch chlamidya or something from them, how can they know unless they've been tested for it and vice versa. My dh is completely not an MN type, he hates me being on here and calls it c**net Shock as he's so charming, but he was advising a colleague to go get tested the other day as said colleague wants to stop using condoms. I see ads at the GP, on the tube, everywhere. People are advised to get tested for everything and lots of people heed that advice. My friend's dp asked her for a certificate before they had unprotected sex. It was from the dr and confirmed her status and date of testing, he gave her one too. He's not from the UK (she is) and he told her it was normal before marriage or getting serious. I don't know if that would catch on here, but people do get text confirmation from the clinic and show it to their dp before taking risks.
I really feel for you because it's horrible to read something like that and then not be able to ask questions. If it was me, even if it meant being found out for snooping, I'd have to have a conversation with bf. Flowers If you can't bring yourself to reveal that you've read the email can't you just bring up the topic of STDs in general and take the conversation from there? It's surely something that, whether you'd seen the email or not, does need to be discussed.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 04/02/2017 18:39

OP contact the Terence Higgins Trust and get tested

seabreezewavingtrees · 04/02/2017 18:41

Should say
If he's never told you that he definitely doesn't have HIV or any other STDs, but then he's ordered online then that is sneaky and shows that he was lying and willing to put you at risk without you knowing....

Original poster
boredofthisnow16 · 04/02/2017 18:46

I haven't read replies I'm out having dinner, he knows somethings wrong. I've dropped hintd about him not being honest

OP posts:
seabreezewavingtrees · 04/02/2017 18:55

Well this is a good opportunity for him to be open. Thinking of you op

happypoobum · 04/02/2017 18:55

Well I agree with PP I am Shock that you are having unprotected sex with someone you have been dating for a few weeks like this. I really hope that you get checked out and are totally in the clear.

I guess you will then be able to see it as an important wake up call and hopefully be able to protect yourself properly in future. Good luck.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 04/02/2017 18:59

OP. If you're old enough to be having unprotected sex then you're old enough to stop dropping hints that something might be wrong, and have an actual adult conversation about something that is very fucking serious. Have you considered that if he has to take a test, there is a risk he has HIV. And if you have had unprotected sex with someone who may have HIV, you may have it too? That isn't 'going out and having dinner while dropping hints that something is wrong' territory. That is 'have a frank discussion 5 hours ago and booking in for you own HIV testing asap' territory.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 04/02/2017 19:07

Dropping hints? Seriously, you sound far too juvenile for a proper relationship.