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Original poster

Ive made a mistake

179 replies

Bigfluffybear · 03/02/2017 21:31

Years ago i had an affair with a married man. He recently got in touch again to meet but i decided against it. Today he turned up at my workplace and we ended up going home after work and had sex. He left about 8pm. Ive made a mistake

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 03/02/2017 22:26

I'm not sure why you're posting really, you were told on the last thread it would be a mistake

Tell your 'boyfriend' let him find someone faithful and reliable, and be a booty call for the ex - everyone's a winner

AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 22:26

That's right

You'd look like a dick

Arealhumanbeing · 03/02/2017 23:51

Oh Anyfucker.

So supportive of women until they fuck up in this particular way, aren't you?

'You'd look like a dick'

Lovely.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2017 23:57

A dick is a dick, regardless of sex

Or are you saying we should excuse women this sort of dickish behaviour because they are a woman ?

OliviaStabler · 04/02/2017 00:11

Im not very proud of what ive done.

No but you did want to do it, very much. So own up to that.

Arealhumanbeing · 04/02/2017 00:13

No, not particularly, Anyfucker. Although I do think women sleep with men when it perhaps isn't a good idea for more complicated reasons than we might realise.

You usually seem so switched on but as soon as there's any "cheating", you're straight in there with the insults.

It jars a little.

TheStoic · 04/02/2017 01:34

What's the big deal?

You had sex with an ex. You are both single (I don't count 2 weeks of dating as a relationship).

If you don't want to do it again, don't do it again.

Not that hard to get your head around, surely?

MixedGrill · 04/02/2017 07:46

So, how and why did it happen? Are you unable to be sure if your own mind? So desperate for attention that you say yes to anyone who asks? Are you sexually attracted to him?

It isn't the crime of the century not to be exclusive if that hasn't been committed to and in a very new liaison.

The question is, how / why did you do it when actually you would like to pursue things further with your new date?

And what is the ex's position? Looking for a shag, or has he left his wife so that he can be with you?

Angrybird123 · 04/02/2017 07:52

You're getting a fairly hard time here but if all the facts are as they seem then you are being a little OTT. you slept with the (single) ex. Once. And you don't want to do it again so don't. That's fine, that's that bit dealt with. the new guy is barely out of the box, you haven't discussed being exclusive. So long as you were careful and use it as a wake up call for yourelf that you like this guy really then just leave it. You dont owe him an explanation, you didnt cheat on someone you have committed to. Just leave it and move on - with the new guy of that's what you want.

Hoppinggreen · 04/02/2017 07:56

If I were you I would just try and forget it and never see him again.
I am slightly baffled how someone you didn't want to see turned up at work and you "ended up going home and having sex" . That's a very deliberate act so at last take responsibility for what you've done

Shayelle · 04/02/2017 08:00

What do you want people to say to you? This is fully what you intended to do. No doubt youre going to fuck him again soon. Not sure what you want anyone to say

Original poster
Bigfluffybear · 04/02/2017 08:02

I have taken responsibility. Mixedgrill im not desperate. We met for drinks and ended up back at my house. I am attracted to him but i want to make a go of it with the guy ive been seeing

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 04/02/2017 08:11

We all said this would happen and you responded with "no no its just a drink and a catch up" Hmm

End it with new man as cheating is no way to start a relationship as you well know.

As for what you do now well thats up to you. However I would not be able to forget that he lied to his wife for TWO YEARS.

You gave him exactly what he wanted and expected. Yay you Sad

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 08:16

I don't understand the battering the OP is getting two weeks is nothing and I definitely wouldn't consider calling him a bf just yet. Sleeping with the ex has shown you what you really want. If you want to be exclusive with your new man I would speak to him about it, although at 2 weeks I think it's a bit soon. Then both go get an STI check, change the FB status and don't see your ex again.

RacoonBandit · 04/02/2017 08:25

The OP had a 2 year affair with the ex (he was married) introduced him to her toddler son and allowed strangers to think he was the dad Hmm

He hasnt contacted her in 10 years and as soon as he does she jumps in to bed with him. Something the OP said she would not do. Posters advised the OP the ex was just out to use her again but she paid no heed.

The hard time she is getting is more lack of sympathy i think.

Dineoutone · 04/02/2017 08:27

OP, you had sex with this man and have decided the new person is who you want.

You've done nothing wrong! If the new guys is keen to be exclusive, then it would matter. After two weeks, you need to give yourself a beak. You've not done anything wrong.

MixedGrill · 04/02/2017 08:54

It isn't about 'doing something wrong ' though, it's about making decisions about what you actually want.

And sticking to it.

OP: 'we ended up at my house ' does not answer the question I asked. You need to THINK and be honest with yourself. How did you end up sleeping with him, i.e the thought processes and decisions you made, if you are going to avoid 'mistakes' again.

Ideally would you like to be within this ex? Be honest.
Would it work, or is it a fantasy, how you would LIKE it to be rather than how it IS? Be honest.

We can't answer this stuff. You can, you are not a dandelion seed that just gets blown to pub, to home, to bed, you have full control over what you do. You don't 'end up' having sex as if you were blown there on the wind.

Was it drink?

MixedGrill · 04/02/2017 08:58

You need to work this out and get a grip because otherwise this is what will happen:
You will continue to see new man, could get important.
You will continue to 'end up ' in bed with ex.
You will cause serious pain to new man: cheating, wasting his time, lying, betrayal.

Things don't 'happen', things get DONE.

Ellisandra · 04/02/2017 08:58

This no assumption of exclusion is fairly recent I think, as is the active discussion of it. Personally I think it's driven by online dating.

I'm coming up to 50, recently was OLD and I discuss it outright now.

In the 20 or so men I had sex with before I was 40, I'd say 3-4 were very obviously casual encounters - like on holiday. For the others, from the moment we first had sex, I believe there was an assumption on both sides that we were exclusive.

There's every chance the new "bf" would consider this cheating.

OP, are you having sex with the new man, and did you use condoms with the old one? (you don't have to answer here if course)

In my oponion, whether there is exclusivity explicitly or implicitly implied or not - it is really shitty behaviour to have sex without a condom with the second man.

Ellisandra · 04/02/2017 09:00

And YY to the responsibility shirking language. You didn't end up anywhere, you chose to have sex. At least own that choice.

Trollspoopglitter · 04/02/2017 09:04

You haven't cheated on a boyfriend - you have been dating a man for two weeks.

I highly doubt this new "boyfriend" is thinking along the same lines as you, that a couple of dates equate to the start of a relationship and you're a "keeper". Couple of months... Maybe. Weeks? No. Not a well-adjusted person looking for a healthy relationship.

So, you've not cheated on anyone because you're single and not in an exclusive relationship.

Are "things" always happening to you?

OnionKnight · 04/02/2017 09:08

*I highly doubt this new "boyfriend" is thinking along the same lines as you, that a couple of dates equate to the start of a relationship and you're a "keeper". Couple of months... Maybe. Weeks? No. Not a well-adjusted person looking for a healthy relationship.

So, you've not cheated on anyone because you're single and not in an exclusive relationship.*

What utter bollocks, most people I know don't follow that line of thinking.

The OP needs to take responsibility for her actions.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 09:11

I get tired of the "I didn't mean it, it just happened" rhetoric

It seems op was warned this would happen but she chose to do it anyway. No shit Sherlock.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/02/2017 09:17

The OP had a 2 year affair with the ex (he was married) introduced him to her toddler son and allowed strangers to think he was the dad

Wow

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 09:30

Two weeks of dating or even sex doesn't equal an exclusive long term relationship IMO unless you've both updated Facebook with your new relationship status. That's the reason you communicate about where you are going, it's so blooming early how can you tell?

I think OP you should get some counselling about the reasons for hooking back up with the ex and your previous relationship with him it sounds messy. I don't understand why someone would choose to be the OW let alone for so long.