Brave Babes - reconvene here!!!

[dementedma]

Hi all
We seem to have finished the last thread but no-one has done a new one. Don't get lost! Gather here until we can sort it out.

gugg
Sorry to hear that. I hope you didn't listen (or at least didn't take any notice). I bet your DS is even better than awesome :)

I want to be one of those Babes. I do too Ma. Let's do it.

Carte, everything you said about resentment rings so true with me. I am bitter bitter bitter. I don't know if I always have been but 3 years ago my DM died at a very young age, and my anger about that has made me resentful of others. There is a colleague at work who never said a thing to me after my DM died - not a hug, not an email, not a word, and I hate her for it. Over 3 years later and I still hate her for it. Grudges are a thing for me now. One thing I did a long time ago was to come off Facebook, as I found the perfect pictures that everyone painted of their lives made me really depressed. And it made me feel like I had to compete. Now when I feel like people are being smug, I make sure I put a lot of distance between me and them. I'm really not interested in being friends with people who are unable to admit that their lives aren't perfect.

Elba, you rock! I managed 5kms today and nearly had a seizure afterwards and there's you showing them how it's done!

I am AF tonight but I had one of those weird days yesterday where I drank moderately - that is dangerous for me, as it makes me believe that I could always manage to drink like that.

Hmm. This is interesting. The theme of resentment and bitterness. I hate having this feelings but they consume me, and it seems others too! Why?
Why do we feel inferior? Because we drink? Or do we drink because we feel inferior?
It's messing with my head but I think it it worth exploring further.

I also get the resentment and bitterness thing. Actually the biggest one is jealousy for me. That's not a good trait to admit to.

The lovely friend that surprised me at my finish line today asked me to be her maid of honour recently, and we spent loads of time over lunch looking at ideas for both her and my dresses. She is honestly the complete opposite of a bridezilla and I love her to bits but I was jealous as anything of her engagement.

Thank you all for the support with the running! Feeling it big time now, but a bath helped. I'm sort of questioning why I'm doing it though- still wondering if it's just a big gesture to prove something (don't know what). Want to see if I can do it.

Food and alcohol are huge issues though still. My Fitbit estimated 1560 calories burned on my run, I forced a huge bowl of pasta down last night. But today I took an hour over half a bloody burger (partly from eating on one side of my mouth, but mainly just cos I hate eating). So I've had a bottle of lucozade, half a pack of jelly babies, 2 bananas, 2 pieces of toast and half a burger. And so far 1.5 bottles of wine, and not (too) drunk. Need to cut back alcohol for the running if London is to happen, but also thinking how much weight I could loose if I can have days like today on essentially negative calories if I don't drink. But if I eat I go faster... I'm just a bit odd I think!

Ma, interesting that you think the resentment and drinking might be linked - I'd never thought of it that way. I feel like mine comes from a nagging feeling from childhood that I'm just not good enough or that everyone else is better than me. Of course, the drinking only helps to amplify those thoughts, but I don't think the drinking causes it in my case.

Hi all, I've been through my bank account today and during February I spent a total of £185 on wine.
What the actual fresh hell is that about?!
I need this bus.
Day 2.... Done.

Breaking my own rules... glass of wine and still up at past 11pm

Why why why DH asked me to come to bed and I refused

Hmmm is there a link there... sex.. peace... I know he gets irritated if he's asleep and I still have my lamp on reading. So, easier to just stay down here? Such an entrenched habit though.

Evening, 'tis me, mouse

I'm so sorry that I've not posted for such a long time, but I've been very poorly since October, in and out of hospital with a horrid chest infection, coughing up mucous the colour of mushy peas tainted with blood. Each time sent home as I wasn't "ill enough to warrant a bed"!!!

I saw a Consultant on Friday who was horrified by the way I'd been treated, X-rays galore, CT scans with and without dye...... then sent home with pneumonia 😢😢😢

Then on Friday just gone, I saw a Consultant who put me on two inhalers, and booked me in for a special gastronomic test that looks inside my lungs, and tracheal area. I've been unconscious for days, stuck in bed and so very weak.

I am so glad that this Consultant is going to help me. She saw me after my GP got so concerned with my lack of care from A&E. I'm appalled at how I was just turfed out.

So, at the hands of someone absolutely brilliant and understanding of all my pain, I'm having this procedure and have two inhalers to use . Other than Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and pneumonia, I'm resting lots and hardly drinking other than on special occasions. xx

Gosh, mouse, that sounds quite an ordeal :(
Hope you get the help you need.

pickle
I'm too ashamed to tell you what my (well, DH & I, if it makes it seem any better) wine bill was in December, but I will say that it was an embarassing amount and definitely contributed to the decision to turn things around.
Do you have a jar where you put the money on AF nights?

Oh Mouse that sounds appalling, I'm so glad you finally got some help, disgraceful treatment. Hopefully you'll feel much better soon. Get lots of rest.

Pickle I have written a lot about the money side of buying alcohol, I look back and am shocked at how much we were spending, then saying we couldn't afford a weekend away or new trainers, just crazy.

Hope everyone else is ok and ready for the week ahead.

Wow, I've missed a lot on here. I'm sorry not to introduce myself properly to everyone and respond to all the comments, but hello to all!

I picked up on the resentment thing, which is interesting. I think that for me, having the mother I have, I never got those good, positive messages that people with solid, caring parents got. My job was to look after and prop up my mum, and let her take the piss out of me and control me. So I find it hard to be comfortable and calm in myself. I don't self-soothe well. I tend to 'catch' bad emotions from other people and the world at large, meaning I find it very hard to get bad shit out of my head. And I haven't seen myself, historically, as being worth looking after unless I've done something to 'deserve' it - achieved something, or done a nasty chore, or sacrificed something important. I've tended to run myself into the ground and then block out the tiredness and bad thoughts with booze. Booze is a great instant anaesthetic, but it takes its toll later.

Breaking contact with my mother has made a huge difference to my mental health. I no longer have her crap messages beamed straight into my home or my brain. I no longer drink to remove the resentment of having to deal with her. I used to actually pour a drink before ringing her! Plus breaking contact is like saying, 'I am worth it. I deserve better.' I'll always have to work to achieve balance, but at least now I've protected myself from the source of the damage.

I'm not sure if I will choose to be teetotal in the future. I see this stage as an experiment. I am getting to know myself, and redesigning my life, and I'll see where it goes.

Anyway, long post. I drank some wine over the weekend but located the off switch (bit dusty) and pulled it, so it didn't get messy. I'm strapping in for an AF week.

Love to all Babes

oh, and lux - you're not the only one to notice the blog! I like her very much, but - yeah. I thought of it as serendipity. Because it's a reminder that dealing with kids on a hangover is HELL.

Having talked about cues to drink, Thursday-Saturday I had: that blog, a thread in Parenting about 'ginworthy' behaviour in kids, a friend giving me a pep talk about 'making the most of being able to drink' before trying for DC2, and a sign in another friend's house saying 'Start the day with a smile and end it with champagne.'

Of course, read from my perspective, 'start the day with a smile and end it with champagne' has a much darker tone

I'll got with starting and ending the day with a smile please

Flora yes dealing with children when hungover is indeed hell, but it's only occurred to me recently it can't be much fun for them either the guilt...

Honestly Flora we think so much alike that when you post I sometimes have to check whether it was you or me writing - uncanny! We must be more or less on the same page as far as alcohol goes.

I had a couple of beers this weekend, well under recommended units and this seems to be very manageable. More and more I realise it is wine that is the issue.

Anyhoo, must get on, thread is moving so fast, Mouse do you think you will be well enough to keep an eye on it? I know you like to start and link the new threads.

Have a great day my lovely ones.

Oh, and redesigning my life Yes, yes, and yes again,. thank you for that, another mantra I can keep in mind.

lux yes, I know what you mean! I do feel a kind of synchronicity in our posts.

I am a better mother for drinking less, no doubt. Not that I was ever a really bad mother, but I have so much more energy and patience reserves when I've had a proper night's sleep and am not despairing.

Why do we feel inferior? Because we drink? Or do we drink because we feel inferior?

It's the latter for me. I've used alcohol to blot out my emotions from the very beginning. I remember coming home at 15 and raiding the alcohol cupboard for bacardi so I could mix it with coke and blot out the negative feelings, usually related to socialising and anxiety over saying or doing something wrong earlier in the day. So from the start it's been a tool to get rid of bad feelings, or to try and access 'normality' by getting rid of my crippling self-consciousness. I feel like Sam Vimes with that Discworld quote:

The Watch was generally of the opinion that Samuel Vimes was at least two drinks under par, and needed a stiff double even to be sober.

It's always taken a couple of drinks to feel okay and upbeat. Not good.

Going to try and get some exercise today, it's finally stopped raining and the sun is actually out!

Mouse good to see you. I'm glad you've got a good consultant onboard who knows what they're talking about - that is good news. Good to hear that you're resting Take care lovely one

Mine's Anger I don't think it's resentment. I'm angry about stuff, my Dad dying at 65, wasting 20 years with someone who really wasn't going to be there til death do us part. Not wasted, in that I have my lovely DDs (if you can call them lovely at the moment ) But there's stuff there that makes me boil sometimes I'm happy for others success, relationships, careers etc

Like you Margie with your Mum. I see others with their Dad or moaning about their Dad or someone who looks like my Dad - it hurts And I get angry and sad.

Interesting reading over the last few days. This bus is awesome

How's everyone doing?

Carte I also used alcohol to blot out my emotions so that I didn't have to feel them. When I was a teenager I drank because everyone else was doing it. It went from there for 35 years (God I just worked that out ) Did you manage to do some exercise?

Flora sounds like a tough time with your mum I love 'redesigning my life' that's really positive, thank you for that gem

Ma how you doing?

Spanna you are right, it has been an interesting few days here. For me, you know, I think it is simply that I come from a long line of boozers, the whole family loved a drink and a party so it seemed normal. I also love the taste and the initial feelings but hate being drunk, nevertheless, with no off switch I don't hate being drunk enough to actually put the glass down.

I few years ago a beloved relative died and I fell both apart and into many a bottle, I look back now and it didn't blot out any feelings, I spent many a lonely, late night hour sobbing into my drink feeling wretched.
This year with no wine, I feel so much better, much more able to deal with things. Feeling blue, low, happy, sad, angry are normal human emotions, everybody feels them, I now see drink heightened those feelings for me not numbed them at all.

Ok, this year started with me pledging to look after myself better and becoming 'Luxury woman' (some of you might remember how that came about) and it's helped, now thanks to Flora and her wise words I shall continue to 'redesign my life'. I will never be 'Miss Perfect' and Lord, who wants to be, sounds exhausting, I shall however be Ms Pretty Damn Fine.

Hope everyone is having a good or at least decent day.

Lux| one thing I really wish I'd done when I stopped drinking is put the money away that I would have spent on the wine. If you can do it, I've just looked at my app that's been going since I stopped. I haven't spent (and I didn't put it away and I never seem to have any money) £9424.72 that's 57.9 cases of wine When I set the app up (I'm done drinking) it's drinks per day (not bottles) so I based it on 5 drinks per day at a cost of £2.71, so basically one bottle costing roughly £10. Not that I always drank every day but I would say I drank 7 bottles a week sometimes more, sometimes less. It's a shocking amount of money and HELL if I'd just put it aside (because I always managed to find money for wine!) I could have over £9K in the bank - but I haven't so there we go

Xpost Lux your family sounds like mine. I'm so glad that you came through that time, must have been awful I love Pretty Damn Fine and Luxury, mind you my nail varnish is well chipped now Have a good evening Babe x

It got a great deal worse after that time Spanna first of many bereavements but here we are now.

I haven't actually put any money away, but I have spent on things for the house that needed replacing, and I might have bought myself few nice clothes and treats thing are about to change in my life very soon, hopefully for the better and I plan to knuckle down to saving hard. All part of the redesign plans.

spanna I chickened out after it started raining, then raining with a flurry of snow, and then HAILING. That's too much bad weather for me. And there's a met office warning for ice tomorrow! Joy.

Hi babes, I'm checking in as I am wine free this evening and I am in such an up and down mood.
Had really strong craving after work and now it's pouring down outside so I am not going to go to the shop. I'm so annoyed it's raining and feel like having a toddler style tantrum!