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Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 04/02/2017 12:08

Typo!I meant RTTT!Blush
You mentioned that he has gone NC before,how long did that last for?
Does he possibly have MH issues whether diagnosed or not?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 12:10

Yes he always parks on his drive. He really has no friends other than work colleagues or his brother. His car was down the street, slightly round a corner. I am mortified he feels like this. He has totally retreated.

OP posts:
sammidanis · 04/02/2017 12:13

Op this is a long shot but have you tried to explain to him why you reacted the way you did? I mean it's plausible that you going AWOL for 4 days was over more than the misunderstanding? He might be feeling like you did it because of his diagnosis? If I hadn't already done so I'd send one last long message detailing all your feelings about what you've been through recently as a couple and why you reacted the way you did. You're only human & a level of understanding is required in any relationship.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 12:14

Fallen it was a couple of weeks as I recall. I bugged him then as well, texting as I was concerned. I'm just a 'talker' he reacts totally the opposite when he has a problem. He did eventually speak to me to say he was finding things hard and couldn't talk properly. We were fine very soon after.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2017 12:26

Ooosh! (Sorry but that sounds appropriate).

You've been together 8 years and it seems over but he also has form for retreating into himself and being emotionally unavailable and with your blanking him for 4 days, but sorry, sounds like your emotional personalities clash.

Add to that the not being together and mismatched communication and though it's harsh I think you're both best off out of this relationship.

Sorry it's ended in this way though, must be gutting to say the very least. Flowers

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 12:26

That's completely understandable,as women we do tend to be quite vocal about our feelings especially when it involves our loved ones.Men on the otherhand do tend to retreat into themselves hence why I wondered if he has MH issues.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2017 12:28

Also from your last post, you have had to be prepared that he will speak to you eventually when you're ready so you've found in past.

With you as a talker (I am too) this obviously clashes loads with your personality.

I personally couldn't deal with this long term, or would have sorted out a coping mechanism in the meantime if I'd wanted the relationship to work properly.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/02/2017 12:29

fallen I've known quite a few men retreat into themselves and clam up who don't have mental health issues, it's just what some men do (as do some women).

sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 12:38

OP, I don’t think it is you who have thrown away the relationship.

What you did was a bit rash and, given you had his key, I don’t understand why you couldn’t have just waited in at his place, until he was back from his appointment, then spent the rest of the day/weekend together. But we have all done something that we have later regretted and then thought ‘if only,’ and it is odd that he didn’t mention it the night before.

You say that you never argue. Is that because there was nothing to argue about or because one or both of you avoided arguments? It sounds like there may have been a lack of communication about feelings in your relationship. Sounds like you were happy with things but the fact that he has done this after eight years and is now going to ridiculous lengths (hiding his car) to avoid having an honest conversation feels to me like there was something he was keeping from you. I am not suggesting an affair or anything like that, just that ending the relationship may have been something that he has been thinking about for some time.

If I am right, it is very cowardly, cruel and deceitful of him to have let you carry on thinking everything was okay and waited until something you did gave him the excuse to put the blame on you. When someone behaves like that it leaves the person they have abandoned with all sorts of unanswered questions and self-doubt, so I wouldn’t beat yourself up about your attempts to contact him. I would try to leave it now though, the ball in his court. If I were you, I’d be feeling a bit angry about his cowardice by now. Of course, you are still going to be half-hoping that he will make contact so that will make getting over this harder. Just try to keep yourself busy and distract yourself with other things.

One final thing, and this is just a thought, are you absolutely sure about this recently-diagnosed condition? I don’t know what evidence you have seen of that but from what you have said, and the fact that he has only told you, it sounds at least possible that he has made it up for some bizarre reason. That would explain why he can’t face a conversation now. I don’t mean to cause you any further doubt but has that crossed your mind at all?

Good luck anyway.

HarmlessChap · 04/02/2017 12:39

If its over then its over, but it would be good for you to hear that.

You have 8 years worth of history I think that balances out any need for an appointment. I'd turn up unannounced one evening, look for a light to go on. Knock the door and see what happens when he knows that you know he's in.

It might not end up the way you want but at least you could try and if you fail you will have closure.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 12:43

Super yes that's true.I just wondered if the recent medical diagnosis had triggered things for him.

PollytheDolly · 04/02/2017 12:44

He apologised and you ignored him for 4 days after walking out on him?

You need to go round OP.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 12:51

HarmlessChap I presume that you're a bloke?
How would you want your long term partner to react/behave in this type of situation?
Do you tend to retreat or do you communicate that you need some space?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 12:52

Sameold thanks. The diagnosis was almost a year ago and we've been to previous appointments together.

He finds it extremely hard to talk about (has only v recently been able to say the name of the condition etc).

fallen it is a possibility, MH issues of some sort would be perfectly natural in this case I think.

I so desperately want to talk to him, it's torture.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 04/02/2017 13:01

Poor man I wouldn't be at all surprised from what you have posted.Looking back over the time since his diagnosis have you maybe overlooked possible signs of depression?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 13:05

Maybe. Not sure there is anything I can do. Going round is not what he wants, he won't speak, he has nobody else he really talks to. He's massively private. He's very senior in his job and will be throwing himself into work I know.

OP posts:
sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 13:05

fallen, I am a bloke, I would not retreat and would want to talk. I would want my (female) partner to try do likewise.

I don't think you can generalise that women are 'talkers' and men 'retreaters'. I have been on the receiving end of this from an ex partner. I think you get people who try to communicate and those who can't, regardless of gender.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 13:09

Op, to be fair here, you did actually end the relationship, it was not him. You clearly state in your op you told him it was over,you weren't coming back and returned your key. You then ignored him for four days, even knowing what he was going through, so I think we have to assume at that point the relationship ended for you both and it absolutely was at your hand not his.

I think he's been hurt by it and I'd let him be for awhile. He doesn't need to face it out or see you, I'm sorry, but as you ended it, that removes any obligation on him to now hear you out.

sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 13:10

OP, it is not just that he won't speak and is retreating. You went round to talk and he hid from you!

TheStoic · 04/02/2017 13:12

Well she doesn't know that for a fact. She has assumed that's what happened.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 13:14

Sameold thanks for pointing that out. So do you want me to use those precise words every time? Just for complete humiliation and for your entertainment? I've said exactly what happened - for brevity and to summarise the whole thing I used the word 'retreat'. I think you know that and are just getting a kick out of putting the boot in.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 04/02/2017 13:14

fallenempires Like sameold I wouldn't retreat and I think that the OP was out of order.

IMO whether or not this guy wants to talk, after 8 years he owes her a couple of minutes even if its to say, "No, you left and I'm not picking up where we left off simply because 4 days after leafing you decide to come back."

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 13:21

Bluntness yes you're right - and I have help my hands up to all of this. I've not coped well, I handled it all appallingly. I had a kneejerk reaction. We are most definitely opposites when it comes to communication - I struggle massively with that.

However I love him to bits, we love doing all the same things, never tire of each other's company, have a brilliant laugh. I wanted us to grow old together - he's said the same.

OP posts:
sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 13:22

Sorry if I gave you that impression. That is not what I was trying to do at all. I think he is treating you horribly and have a lot of sympathy because I have recently experienced something similar. You made a mistake but have tried to the right thing. I think you are making excuses for his rubbish, cowardly, dishonest behaviour. You don't need to do that and this will only make things worse for yourself. You say he has a senior position but he is acting like a child in respect of your relationship.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 13:24

Ahh throwing yourself into your work is a known coping mechanism to apparently keep your mind occupied.
I think that sadly you have done all that you can do for the time being,you've apologised and offered your support.I also think that if you make the conscious decision to go NC yourself then you are allowing yourself the space to decide what you truly want.I can imagine that every time you make contact it is making you anxious as well.