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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
LucklessMonster · 04/02/2017 16:18

Ilovetorrentialrain I think I'm quite similar to your partner. When I'm finding it hard to cope with things I shut down - I NEED to for my mental health. I have to be selfish and put myself first and do what I need to do to survive.

I have lost friendships because I retreated completely from people, and couldn't face them afterwards because I knew they were angry with me.

If this were me what I would want is one message, ideally a letter (because when I retreat I don't read emails or texts, they make me feel guilty), saying that you'll be there whenever he needs you and there will be no judgement for him retreating, and he won't have to give explanations. My long-term friends are the ones who let me go and accept my back whenever I'm ready, and I'm very lucky to have people so patient with me.

Maybe he isn't like me at all, but I thought I would mention this just in case.

BeyondCanSeeTheEmperorsBellend · 04/02/2017 16:23

Is there a possibility that when you went around, he was still at his appointment and genuinely wasn't in? His car being down the road could be for loads of reasons. Perhaps someone else took him as you would go normally?

I do think you need to talk and he is being unfair. All he has to do is send one text saying "ffs it's over, stop calling me!". But no, he wants to punish you (either because it is over or because it isn't - either could apply)

Revealall · 04/02/2017 16:30

I was in a similar relationship. I think because you don't live together he will come back just for the bits he likes. Maybe sex, maybe a bit of company, someone to go to appointments with.
I don't think you'll get anything better than that though. He doesn't need a proper relationship does he.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 16:34

Luckless I can appreciate your post,but how do you manage things in a relationship as opposed to general friendships? Are you lucky enough to have a supportive partner?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 16:35

luckless yes he's just like you describe.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 04/02/2017 16:42

Right then in that case you really do need to leave him to it for now.My concern here is for you and your MH.Supporting somebody with the illness is bloody awful no matter how much you love them.I have experience from both sides of a relationship.
However MH issues or not you still deserve to be treated decently by your partner.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 16:43

Luckless do you mind me asking why you would read a letter but not a text or email? I'm thinking of leaving it a couple of weeks then writing him a letter. I'll go round to try and talk but if not possible I will post it.

OP posts:
Montane50 · 04/02/2017 16:52

I must say from the outside it looks like a very complex relationship. You appear very close in some respects (supporting and attending medical appointments), but quite detached as a couple in others (why would it be embarrassing that you thought he hadn't mentioned the school visit?)
I think youve done all you can now, he knows you regret storming out but is still giving you the silent treatment-this seems cruel and childish. Step away from the situation now and keep your dignity x

SparklyMagpie · 04/02/2017 16:59

The more you've said OP, this sounds just like my son's dad. He'd react this way, would ignore me for days/ weeks on end over something little, which admittedly at the time I over reacted. I used to try everything, phone calls,texts would go round and in the end it was the letters that did it. Be he just ended up being a prick anyway unless HE decided what he wanted.

I agree give it a couple of weeks an maybe write a letter,you might feel differently by then x

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 17:03

bluntness100 halfway down the first page OP posted the following:

"I thought we were spending the weekend together but he said he was off out for the day - a family commitment. He swore he'd told me - to be fair he had weeks ago - but I thought he'd just sprung it on me with minutes to spare before he had to leave - I felt an idiot gathering my things and leaving - he said sorry but I'd already seen red and headed off. I left my house key - dramatic! I was annoyed and embarrassed."

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:03

Sparkly when you say the letters did it, what did they achieve? I'll try that in a couple of weeks if I've not heard from him.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 17:10

Firstly, she said she gave him back the key, secondly he didn't kick her out, she said she chose to leave in anger.

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:18

Bluntness yes that's correct.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/02/2017 17:20

Yes the OP was wrong to flounce and then ignore him for days, but since then she's made considerable efforts to make amends. She's sent a sincere apology, she's tried calling and even visiting him. At this point he's the one behaving badly by ignoring her.

OP, have some self respect. Don't grovel and beg any more than you already have. Your behaviour was wrong but it wasn't the crime of the century, and if he valued the relationship and respected you, he would have responded by now.

HappyJanuary · 04/02/2017 17:39

Give him a chance to miss you op. You'll look more attractive to him when you stop hounding and he starts to panic that you've given up and moved on.

I do think you behaved badly. He'd told you about the appointment with his children, and didn't mind you staying in his home while he went. I can't understand why you walked out, left your key and ignored his apology.

But you have tried to make up for it and, assuming it's not something you do regularly, I'm not sure why he's ignoring you and it does seem cruel. Whether it has anything to do with his illness, or whether he was already on the brink of ending it I don't know, but I doubt he was happy if he is willing to walk away after one incident.

Leave the ball in his court if you are certain he's receiving your messages, and give him some space.

Naicehamshop · 04/02/2017 17:43

How much do you have to apologise and abase yourself before he finally forgives you? Confused

He sounds like massively hard work, even allowing for your mistakes. Sad

JustAnotherPoster00 · 04/02/2017 17:43

Um how bout stop stalking the guy, enough's enough, you ended it and hes decide to keep it ended, time to move on the guy doesn't need a stalker on top of his health condition just because you've decided that you were wrong and now you want what you had back, I wish you luck on your next relationship OP but maybe its time to walk away from this and stop taking the pp's advise of trying to contact him. At what point does this cross that line into harrasment?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:45

Thanks Happy - I'm not certain he's seeing them - he may have blocked my number if he can't deal with talking.

However - 'give him a chance to miss you' makes perfect sense - it's so hard but I need to just not contact him again for a coupel of weeks.

I hope he gets in touch in the meanwhile. During this time I'll try and figure out what to say properly and write the letter.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 04/02/2017 17:46

OP he just seemed to come round, would leave to us having a conversation going over the ' argument ' and how we both felt and where we went from there really. But this happened over the space of years too, In the end realised we just wasn't right, well I did as I couldn't put up with him doing it ( amongst other things) I'm also a talker but found it helped get everything out. And they have the chance to read it or choose not to but I guess it's worth a shot isn't it? 8 years is a very long time an I do feel for you, but my situation on/off 6 years, it just wasn't worth it in the end

Definitely give it a couple of weeks, like I said you might feel differently. I got to a point where I realised it was the same thing over an over again an he was punishing me.

Give it some time :) x

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:48

Thanks Sparkly. I hope all's OK with you now too and you're happy. x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:50

JustAnotherPoster00 'stalker?' We had an eight year realationship and I've been round once to try and talk. There really is no question of me wanting a 'next relationship'.

OP posts:
sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 17:52

He has not blocked you if the phone rings but no answer. You would most likely get one ring then a 'person you are calling is not available' message if he had blocked you.

SparklyMagpie · 04/02/2017 17:57

OP it is :) I'm happy being on my own with my little boy, his dad is useless but only cements I made the best decision. I have met a couple of guys over the last couple of years who once I've raised something, nothing major, just a minor disagreement, they've ghosted me. But I'm just glad I hadn't invested myself too much. It's hard and it nearly finished me with my son's dad, but one day woke up and thought " NO! I'm not standing for this now, I've done everything I can to repair things and you're the one taking it too far "

What will be will be OP, but you've done what you can, so balls in his court, I know he has a lot on; but 8 years is a hell of a long time. You can't spend your time worrying and getting upset because he's now choosing to ignore you and go out of the way to do so. I IMO think he's trying to make a point, he's done this before. You love him, but could you put up with this forever? Because I decided I couldn't. I'd always be walking on egg shells worried about the tiniest little thing I said or disagreement would set it all off.

No thanks :)

Hope it works out either way OP, I know it's so hard ! X

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:57

sameold thanks - I didn't know that. I have a 'Nokia brick' type phone and no idea about how blocking works, other than it's possible - that's quite encouraging I suppose.

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 04/02/2017 17:58

We had an eight year relationship

Which you decided to throw away, I know this is coming across as harsh but after finally deciding you were wrong 4 days after he apologised, you're now sending him texts, trying to call him, going round to see him, tbh he doesnt owe you an explanation after your 4 day flounce, are you trying to coerce him back into a relationship?