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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 17:59

JustAnotherPoster00 I won't engage with you sorry.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 04/02/2017 18:01

This is an odd thread.

OP, you've done enough. Let it go. Let him go. If he decides to contact you some time, you can decide what to do then. But quite honestly I think both of you are better off without each other.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 04/02/2017 18:01

Exactly you seem to only want to engage with the pp's that are telling you to harass a man who got dumped, I wish you well OP I truly do but I do think this poor guy needs to be left alone

HAnooo · 04/02/2017 18:04

Honestly don't listen to JustAnother OP he/she gives the most awful patronising advice.

measles64 · 04/02/2017 18:05

He sent you a text within an hour apologising for something that was your fault and you waited four days to reply. I think he has a right to be steaming. Just let sleeping dogs lie until he feels up to it. You are an up front person and him an introverted type it can cause problems.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 04/02/2017 18:08

Honestly don't listen to JustAnother OP he/she gives the most awful patronising advice.

My advice was in no way meant to be patronising and it is as equally valid as anyone else's advice

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 18:18

Calling OP a stalker is a tad harsh.Yes,she has behaved badly but she fully acknowledges that hence why she wanted to make contact with her DP.It is what most people would do in a LTR.
Lovely he hasn't blocked you he's either
a.)Thinking things through.
b.)Being deliberately mean.
I'm hoping for your sake that it is a.
But,I'm glad to see that you are feeling a bit chipper from your recent posts.Leaving him to it will be hard,but if you can take it day by day,your emotional wellbeing is vital here,you have MN to post on when you feel the urge to make contact.☺

Therealloislane · 04/02/2017 18:20

Ilove I feel for you, I really do.

We all make mistakes - I have the quickest temper in the world and at times it costs me dearly. The saving factor in my 20 year marriage is that dh is so very laid back.

That's not to say I treat him badly, I adore him, but when I have a flash of temper it doesn't fizz on him, but if I were with someone of the same temperament it might be a different story.

You & your dp seem to be quite alike? Would you say you both hold a grudge?

Can you say what his condition is? I'm not being nosey but others might have experience of the same & help you from that angle.

I'd be tempted to just go around. Do his children stay overnight? If not, just take a chance & call over. He can only close the door & that way you'll know for sure where you stand.

I hope it works out for you op - this situation must be on your mind all the time. I can't imagine throwing away eight good years over a misunderstanding 😢

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 18:47

Thanks There - I am going to give it two weeks and take a letter. I won't go before - there is too much of a likelihood he's not ready - and if he doesn't want to speak then he is well within his rights not having me going over there.

We're alike in that we're very introverted people. We hold similar views on many things, enjoy the same things etc lots of overlap. The key difference is that he is private, quiet, introverted in the extreme. Me less so. Also he is a thinker, he shuts down, doesn't talk about his feelings / problems etc. I will stew on a problem for around 5 seconds then I'm ready to talk. If I need time to myself an hour does it. I'll take a shower, go for a run, go online then I'm good to go agean. He needs days / weeks.

I love him, fancy him, love being with him doing our stuff. I'd marry the man if he asked.

Sorry this is getting quite self indulgent now. This thread has been a massive help to me.

(Sorry I can't name the condition as he often Googles for info on it and MN occasionally comes up in the searches).

OP posts:

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/02/2017 23:04

Therealloislane
We all make mistakes - I have the quickest temper in the world and at times it costs me dearly.

A quick temper or a mistake could have been easily resolved. In this case he has done nothing wrong, is ignored for 4 days, and is still being vilified (by posters) because he isn't doing as the OP wants.

ILove

the way I see it it either
a/ he has taken you leaving at face value.
b/ he has a whole load of stuff to deal with and he will contact you when he gets around to it.

I'm not sure that either option puts you in a good place.

iamavodkadrinker · 05/02/2017 08:05

OP - you dumped him. It's over.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/02/2017 08:52

Look the op knows she was wrong. She's admitted so many times. She's still being kicked for it constantly. Give it a rest eh?

Op I'm sorry it didn't work out. I don't think there's much you can do now but wait. I know you handled it badly but I do think ghosting you after an 8 year relationship is also not on.

Wellthatsit · 05/02/2017 09:19

OP, I can totally understand why you flounced. Even if he had told you weeks ago, he failed to remind you the night before, and I suspect this sort of thing has happened before (where he is in his own bubble and doesn't appreciate that other people are affected by his actions). But, the huge thing for me is the health condition and the fact he has known for a year - a year - and still isn't ready to discuss it. You, being a talker, have had to bottle this up and that is extremely difficult to do when you are worried and upset about something. Yes, it is difficult having a life altering health condition, but it is also difficult for those around you too and it sounds like he doesn't fully appreciate that. I have a life altering condition. It is frightening, and upsetting, but I am fully aware that it affects my loved ones too. I don't like people being nosy about it but I appreciate when people ask me about it that they are being caring (most people are anyway). The fact that your partner is so closed off sounds very difficult to live with and I don't blame you at all for your reaction It is probably the culmination of lots of times when you have had all control taken from you by his inability to communicate and show his feelings. So sorry that he won't speak to you. You will have to stay strong and be very patient. When he is ready, he will talk. But I don't think you should take all the blame for the argument, melodramatic though it was.

Guavaf1sh · 05/02/2017 09:26

I think you very much know you made a big mistake although I'm still a big bewildered by your extended timeline for getting things sorted - wait four days wait till Friday wait two weeks. Whilst honesty is good I do think you've got a bit of a kicking on this thread so I won't contribute to it further. I wouldn't leave it that long if you still want him. Eight years is a long time. Go back again. If the phone rings but there is no answer call from another number just to see if he answers and is okay. If he hangs up after hearing your voice it is an answer of sorts and better than hypothesising about if he's ill or just doesn't want you. I wouldn't give up till I hear his voice or see him and I would try to get in contact as soon as possible. If however that point he doesn't want to speak leave it be and don't contact him again

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 09:39

Thanks Well. Yes I'm going to give him time. The flounce was a culmination of all sorts. I can't even confide in a friend because it's breaking a confidentiality so lots is bottled up.

It took me four days to be ready to speak. It going to take him a lot longer. I've written him a letter and will post it through in a couple of weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 09:41

Guava he's made it painfully clear he isn't ready to speak to me. I'm not about to trick him into it or push him. He knows where I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 09:41

Thanks though.

OP posts:

Dowser · 05/02/2017 09:47

Good luck Op
I don't think it's that easy if things have worked well for 8 years to just give up like that.
It's just slightly less than the time I've been with my dh who identifies as an introvert.
I'm the extrovert
Hopefully we balance each other out.

You know best how to treat him.
If he does genuinely love you as opposed to being a game player I hope he has a torrential rain sized hole in his life that only you can fill.

( maybe a link to this thread may not be such a bad idea!)

It's all about forgiveness versus stubbornness and a compromise that's somewhere in the middle.

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 09:52

Thanks Dowser. You're so kind. X

OP posts:

RandomMess · 05/02/2017 09:54

I have skim read. I'm so sorry that you are both going through this, horrible when personalities and ways of dealing with things make a relationship crash like that instead of pulling together.

I think in a little while a letter would be good idea.

If nothing else you will know he has your heartfelt apology and that you love him, you can also express your concerns for him dealing with his diagnosis on his own and that you want to be there for him. You can also tell him that you understand his reaction but hope you can find his way to let you back in even if it's just talk to end things

it's just horrible to horrible for you and him.

ImBeingGood · 05/02/2017 10:18

Something similar happened to me once. I had a rather vicious argument with my partner on the phone and hung up on him. He tried to call back, I didn't answer. I then waited a week to talk to him, but it was clearly over in his mind by that point.

You HAVE to go no contact. No calls, no texts, no letters, no going to his house. You have to give him a chance to reflect on whatever the problem is in his own mind, which may include issues outside of the relationship. This may take weeks...maybe longer. Maybe it will also give you time to reflect on things...

For a person who hates conflict, the constant barrage of emotion is going to cause him to back off even further. It is the opposite of what you want. Give him a chance to miss you, and realise that potentially it is truly over. Of course he may have already decided this himself. Either way, there is nothing more you can do if you've said everything that needs to be said.

In my case, it was months later, and a sudden text reaching out to me. But by that point I had already realised that although I can be an arse, his habit of ghosting me was too much if we wanted a lifetime of happiness. I didn't get back in touch, and never had true closure. But it is what it is.

Wellthatsit · 05/02/2017 10:49

Good luck ilove

NameChange30 · 05/02/2017 11:03

I don't think it's fair that you're not "allowed" to talk to anyone about his illness. If he doesn't want to talk about it with you, that's his choice (although not particularly healthy for him or the relationship) but I think it's completely unreasonable for him to expect you not to talk about it with anyone. You need support and he's not giving it. I see nothing wrong with discussing it with a trusted friend who is not going to mention it to anyone else.

NameChange30 · 05/02/2017 11:04

Honestly when the dust has settled I think you will come to the same conclusion as some of the people on this thread who were in similar relationships and decided that they didn't want to be with someone who was always going ignore them for days/weeks on end. I hope you do anyway.

Original poster

Ilovetorrentialrain · 05/02/2017 20:20

I'm such a loser. I've just tried to call him again.

OP posts:

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