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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've thrown my relationship away - devastated

378 replies

Ilovetorrentialrain · 31/01/2017 20:19

If anyone has a minute to give advice I'd really love to hear.

A week and a half ago I had a disagreement with my DP. We don't live together - I'd say boyfriend but feel we're too old for that term!

It was quite one sided in that he said something that upset me (it was a communication breakdown type misunderstanding - he thought he'd told me something when he hadn't).

I got really upset and left - said that was it and I wasn't coming back. I was fuming - but I really didn't mean it. We never argue! This is horrible.

Anyway - I left it for a few days and have tried to text and call him a few times - I just want to talk. We can't end a 8 or so year realtionship like this! He won't answer the phone or reply to my messages. I have to just leave it now don't I? What can I do? I'm absolutely heartbroken - I need to get a grip but this is awful and all my fault.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 04/02/2017 13:39

Sameold & Harmless yes I agree with both of you.His behaviour is cruel.If it is truly the end then he should at least have the decency to let OP know this.
He's more than entitled to space but if that's the case then he could at the very least just send OP a quick text to let her know.
This is the way that adults should communicate.

loveyoutothemoon · 04/02/2017 13:48

Wonder if he'd respond if you asked him if it was over?

I reckon it's just a case of him thinking 'I'll ignore her like she ignored me'.

I'd leave him to it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/02/2017 13:55

He has "retreated" several times in the relationship. You "retreated" once (even a mini version to his). He can dish it out but can't take it.

How many times would you put up with his silent treatments? I think this is you calling him out on his dispicable treatment of you. He is the one refusing to say anything about his mistake(s) in treating you that way.

Double standard, in a superiority kind of way.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/02/2017 13:57

Yes, leave him to it.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/02/2017 13:58

I imagine that he thinks you broke up with him when you walked out, sadly. So from his perspective you broke up with him, he is getting over it, and now you want to get back together. I had a similar situation with someone I'd been dating for a month or so - I felt like I was going a bit mad actually, it was really hard to not feel obsessive when someone suddenly disappears without explanation. After 8 years of course most relationships would have moved into different territory where you wouldn't have such sustained misunderstandings.

Can I just ask what made you not get in contact for four days? I understand why you were cross with him initially actually - that sudden change in plans (from your perspective) would bug me - but why did your annoyance last so long? To me it suggests that sadly there were tensions already in the relationship, maybe beneath the surface as you 'never argued'?

I guess I'm trying to say that it seems there were already issues in your relationship which weren't being addressed as you never argued, and even if you could talk to him and apologise for storming out those issues would still remain, and probably become more challenging with his illness. You'd both need the will and energy to address them, and from your description I don't know if he has that currently Sad

What I would do in your shoes is stay away for the moment, try and distract yourself and keep busy. When you are feeling calmer and have some emotional distance from him reflect on how your relationship was before the argument. If you genuinely think you want to try again - once your emotions have calmed and you have had some time alone to reflect - you could always get in touch with him in the future and see if he wants to start afresh, but I think several things would have to change eg more open communication, to make it work long term.

Flowers
HarmlessChap · 04/02/2017 14:48

You "retreated" once (even a mini version to his). He can dish it out but can't take it.

I don't think that's necessarily fair, I don't think it's suggested that he finished with her before retreating but its clear that she dumped him and it waited 4 day to un-dump him. It probably hurt greatly to be dumped like that after 8 years, but I still maintain that he owes her the courtesy of telling her directly that he's not prepared to start over if that's what is his view.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 15:01

Harmless that's exactly it!

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 15:05

I really want to go round there again. That would be the worst idea in the world wouldn't it?

OP posts:
FlyMeToTheSpoon · 04/02/2017 15:09

No, I don't think so. You were together for 8 years, you deserve an actual conversation, and you have nothing to lose at this point.

I'd go round at night though, so you can see if his lights are on.

HarmlessChap · 04/02/2017 15:10

I really want to go round there again. That would be the worst idea in the world wouldn't it?
No the worst idea in the world would be to try dating Donald Trump Grin

Go round, how could it be worse than not knowing!

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 15:11

Just realised he might be with his children. I just don't seem to have the strength to not contact him at all. Despite that being the sensible thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 15:12

Because I might push him further away.

OP posts:
fallenempires · 04/02/2017 15:16

Only you know your partner & how he might react.How did you resolve things when this has happened in the past?

Original poster
Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/02/2017 15:17

Fallen I went round to see him. This seems different though.

OP posts:
JustSpeakSense · 04/02/2017 15:22

Do you think it might be a good idea to write him a letter?

A heartfelt apology, tell him how much you love him. Say you are frustrated that he won't talk to you.

Tell him that you respect that he wants the relationship to end, you didn't want a scene, just a conversation and a chance to say goodbye.

fallenempires · 04/02/2017 15:23

Well I think that's your answer then.Give him the space,but only do NC if it is for your benefit too which I think that it will be tbh.NC should never be used as a form of punishment though.It does appear that you are being punished by him.Sad

JustSpeakSense · 04/02/2017 15:25

Just a question...after a relationship of 8 years, surely you have personal effects at each other's homes to collect?

NameChange30 · 04/02/2017 15:28

He is emotionally cold. He doesn't talk about important things like his feelings and his illness. He once ignored you for TWO WEEKS. Hell would freeze over before I would accept a relationship with someone like that. How on earth can you be with someone who won't talk about feelings at all?! How on earth can you feel safe and loved enough to be vulnerable and show him how you feel and fix things (even minor things) if they go wrong?

I think it was completely out of order for you to ignore him for 4 days but he's done worse to you and think it's just a sign of how dysfunctional the relationship is. If you don't communicate with each other like adults you can't have a functioning relationship.

I suggest you get some counselling to help you find closure and healing, because he's not going to give it to you!

Flowers
JustSpeakSense · 04/02/2017 15:29

AnotherEmma has said it very well.

sameoldsameoldthing · 04/02/2017 15:35

On consideration, I’d suggest the following.

He has neither said its over nor made any attempt to work things out. If someone stormed off from me like that, over something like that, I think I would be quite upset. But I don’t know how seriously I would take it. I think I would probably go round to see her to apologise and talk things through either later that day or the next day, not just send a text saying ‘sorry’, then go NC.

The fact that his phone rings suggests that he hasn’t blocked the OP, so he obviously wants to know that she is calling for some reason and for her to feel she is being ignored. This and the fact that he seems to have pretended he was out when she called round suggests to me that he doesn’t consider it over or maybe doesn't know how he feels. It feels like he is getting something out of making the OP feel rejected and upset while still getting attention from her. Maybe he is still angry himself but doesn’t want to end it or can't decide. If that’s the case, I don’t see why he can’t just say that he needs some time and he’ll be in touch when he has processed things properly.

That is why I would leave it now. I think if OP goes NC now then he’ll be in touch fairly soon. If not, then my previous comments apply, this a cruel way to end a relationship. If he does, I’d suggest you need a proper conversation about this ‘retreating’ thing and his communication issues.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 15:43

Honestly, if my partner ended our relationship with no level of uncertainty , made it clear they were not coming back. and gave me my key back, especially over something so petty and when I was dealing with a serious medical condition, and then ignored me after I apologised, I certainly wouldn't feel I then needed to answer their calls or texts or see them if I didn't wish to and I wouldn't feel I was in the wrong and I "owed them" something because they them decided they wanted to get back together.

Yes, he should text her and say enough. But he's dealing with a major health issue here and has a lot to deal with on that score. So for me if he chooses not to engage, I won't criticise him.

If this was a man posting that he did this to his girlfriend, I'm unsure the responses would be so quick to blame his girlfriend.

Phoebefromfriends · 04/02/2017 15:55

She didn't give back her key, she left her house key at his when he kicked her out to go to an appointment for his children.

NameChange30 · 04/02/2017 15:58

Just Thank you

Bluntness Actually you'll find that a lot of people tend to blame the woman and excuse the man. And I personally am completely sick of reading "if it was a man posting the answers would be completely different..." yada. All completely hypothetical, IMO bullshit, and often derails the thread.

It sounds to me as if they're both in the wrong but the OP is the one posting to ask for advice and support. So I for one will give it.

Wackelle · 04/02/2017 15:58

Where did it say he kicked her out? Did i miss that part?!

KickAssAngel · 04/02/2017 16:03

I think OP is getting it a bit hard.

He didn't tell her he was going out for the day. I wouldn't be happy if I was having a lazy weekend morning and suddenly DH said he was going out and hadn't told me. If he regularly failed to tell me day to day stuff I would be very unhappy.

I wouldn't ignore him for 4 days, though.

But now he's ignoring her, and he DOES know she's contacting him, otherwise he wouldn't have done the 'hiding' thing after she sent an email saying that she wanted to go round.

Him hiding like that (so that she knew he was) is somewhere between worryingly childish and horribly controlling. It is not normal at all to do that. Nor is it normal for a relationship to end over one argument.

He sounds difficult to live with, if he can't communicate. I think the OP did overreact, and def. shouldn't have ignored him for 4 days, but he's being really mean to her. He may be worried about his health, but the way he fails to communicate makes him a difficult person to have a relationship with. Things like this will happen, and they both need to learn how to handle it.