husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

[RoseNarene]

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

[ImpetuousBride]

I think it's time you confronted him. Don't worry about the logistics just yet - show him his own messages. Then you have two options: let him speak for himself and see what kind of bullsh*t excuse he'll come up with; or simply let him know that you want nothing to do with him. If you choose the latter, don't tell him to leave, lock him out etc. just yet. Leave things as they are until you arrange the best scenario for yourself and kids (be it legal advice, staying with parents or moving out yourself). In the meanwhile continue to cohabit - as nothing else but roomates.

I know it will be very hard to rearrange your life completely but don't try to work things out with him just because you feel trapped/optionless.

[SandyY2K]

Don't confront him, until you know your next move.

Confronting will result in denial, then accusations of you overreacting because it was 'a joke'. Then an apology to never do it again. You know his promises aren't worth anything.

You can need to decide where you go from here, with the information you have.

This isn't a matter of him being able to explain it or give you excuses.

I've spoken with several betrayed spouses and what hurt them most wasn't the affair, but the horrible things their spouse said about them during the affair, which were all lies to gain sympathy.

He's not quite in the PA stage and he's talking like this. She's not telling him to stop, but he's the one badmouthing you and I imagine he's told her a lot more stuff about you verbally, hence she said you were incompatible.
He's feeding her with a lot negative comments. For everything you've found, there is bound to be stuff he deleted before you saw it and he'll only confess to what you can prove.

[HelenDenver]

agree with sandy re waiting to confront

[Ferfukzsake]

Yikes - posted to wrong forum - so sorry!!!!

[Ferfukzsake]

meant to post to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3002232-What-should-I-do-Tell-his-wife?pg=3&messages=100

[Lauralou69]

My ex did this to me years ago, always going on about a girl frpm uni, i got miffed, he told me I was crazy, all in my head etc. Then I found the Skype messages, how crazy I was, he wanted to kiss her, be with her.....the usual. It hurt like hell at the time, especially as I was pregnant with our daughter. Truth is it doesn't touch me know and I know exactly what he is
....an insecure pathetic cockwomble!! As is your husband......believe me he WILL do it again, he hasnt an ounce of integrity, and you WILL get over it. Take your time, but tell him it's over, stop cooking, washing etc for him....he will never change and you will never get over the betrayal.

[rasmusklump]

This is an old thread, I hope things are better for you now @RoseNarene

[RoseNarene]

Yes there is another thread where I have updated. I'm getting divorced. Currently living with the parents.