husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

[RoseNarene]

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

Well, I don't think it's OK to describe her as 'a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before'. a) women can have as much sex as they like without being judged and b) the married men in these scenarios are the real bad guys, not the single woman.

But that aside, he's a cunt, obviously. I'd be starting proceedings for either counselling or splitting up.

What an absolute betrayal of someone he is supposed to love and care for! I would be furious and would have trouble staying with someone like this.

Just to add my experience, i have a male friend who has been a good friend over the years.
I used to see him regularly as part of a group, on his own or with my kids, i never lied about seeing him. We used to txt a bit, jokes and just piss taking i never slagged my dh off to him.
I was giving my phone to one of our dcs and needed to delete the stuff but hadnt got around to it. Dh read all the txts between this friend and myself and asked if i realised this man was in love with me.
I knew he gad a soft spot for me but had made it very clear that our friendship was nothing more than a friendship.
Dh told me his made him feel very uncomfortable and so i decided to cut contact. I love dh and didnt want him feeling that way and would hope of the shoe was on the other foot he'd do the same.
What im saying is you havent asked him to make a choice but he hasnt respected your feelings at all. I wont tell you to leave him only you can decide that but i would tell him what youve put here and how it maked you feel. How would he feel if it was you with a single male friend ?
Good luck op. Xx

Your husband sounds horrible.

The person who is supposed to cherish, respect and value you is behaving in a completely disrespectful manner.I'm guessing he tells you how sexy you are when he wants sex?

You're going to have talk to him about it.

The prick.

I hate reading these type of things and I feel so sad that it has caused you such upset and pain. Please don't put yourself down and make references to your tummy size, it's nothing to do with how you look or behave.For some reason he seems to think it's ok to speak so disrespectfully about his Wife and the Mother of his children, He's a prick and this women sounds like she is reminding him he is married, being with this type of man can destroy a woman self confidence and esteem. Over the years their different antics, all of which they defend if cornered , can go on for years and can floor you every time it raises its ugly head, but only you can decide what to do about it.

I am staggered by the disrespect entailed in that comment to her about you. Fuck him, OP. And she is the least of your worries. I would be packing his bags.

Ah, next it will be "she doesn't understand me" and "we sleep in separate beds" What a cliche. Sorry, but this would be an absolute deal breaker for me. At the very least I'd kick him out for a few weeks. I think they are having an affair, or it's heading in that direction. Arse!

Please don't start berating your body having given birth to HIS children.

I would say to him 'as you clearly don't like anything about me or have anything nice to say about me - here is the door - don't let it hit your disrespectful ass on the way out'.

It appears that texting this other woman is more important than doing what he promised you.

Another one saying that so far this reads like a bit of a cliche:

• tells you she's easy and sleeps with married men so, as someone else commented, when he sleeps with her it's all "her fault"
• texting her still eventhough he knew you'd be looking at his messages AND wrote something disgustingly disrespectful about you
• has made you question your body and the appeal of your body despite having just had a baby- HIS baby!

Next up he will shag her unless you give him a short sharp shock. Send him packing for a while- let him see where these actions will lead him: thrown out of the family home, not seeing very much of his children.

And FUCK the "concern about my health" bullshit. You've just exclusively fed a baby for six months after carrying her for the previous nine. That changes how your body looks. That's not "concern for your health" that's absolute fucking bollocks.

Livid on your behalf OP.

Awwww fucking hell, that must really hurt, I'd be gutted to read that, then furious, then probably single tbh, at least for a while, that kind of disrespect, and betrayal would really throw me, and I'd struggle to trust a word he said after that.

So sorry OP, what a tit he's been.

trumpy

He called trumpy?!!!!!

Your husband is a dick. He has a loyal and loving woman and he's willing to throw it all away for some flattery/ego stroking and potential sex. He must have serious issues to risk his marriage and kids happiness for so little.
You can't do anything to change him. If you lost the tummy and any extra weight and blow him every day he would still bad mouth you to get more from this woman. This is not something you can stop by changing yourself.
I know saying 'walk away' is easy and I don't know if I would have been strong enough to walk away while my kids were little but you deserve better. Everyone deserves being treated with basic respect and he does not respect you. He is blatently taking the piss and is probably getting a kick out of hurting you. You deserve so much more than this man.

He may not be having a sexual affair - yet, but it certainly sounds like an emotional affair based on what you have said.

The betrayal in an emotional affair can be just as deep as a sexual affair, if not more so, the intimacy can be much greater and harder to end. It is also easier to deny as he will say they are 'just friends', but his calling you out and favouring her means he is certainly attached to this woman at a level that is inappropriate in a marriage.
At the very least he needs to end all contact with this woman if your marriage has a long term future. Relate online offer some really good advice.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this, it's very disrespectful and hurtful 💐

He's playing straight into her hands and he knows he is. It's all hinting at him rather being with her and he comes across as though he doesn't even like you, let alone respect you.

Maybe you should give him the opportunity to leave if he thinks you're so frumpy and unlike her. If he wants to be with a 'yummy mummy' tell him he can have her. If he tells you he loves you and wants to be with you then he needs to do some serious work to rebuild you and your relationship. It starts with basic respect. He doesn't sound stupid....sounds as though he knows what he's doing. He shouldnt have to change jobs. If he has enough love and respect for you he'll just treat this woman like any other colleague.

You deserve someone 100% committed.

It appears that he doesn't want to be with you, in as much as a 'proper' partner or husband should be with you. So I guess your answer to that is to ask him to leave.
You've asked him to stop, he hasn't. You've asked him to stop treating you with no respect, he hasn't. What else can you do but tell him to sling his hook and move out.
I suspect it will give him a much need and very overdue shock, make him think long and hard about his behaviour, and come crawling back to you in a short space of time. Whether you take him back then is entirely your decision.

Reading that must have really hurt, what a twat.
I couldn't move past that level of disrespect tbh, he'd have to go.

I am pretty certain that if I ask him to leave he will not go. I would have to lock him out, and if I did that, I don't think I would be able to keep him out. He would probably turn up here when I got home or something. I don't want to upset the kids if he starts making a fuss banging on the door etc.

OP you sound lovely and like you have already treated him far better than he deserves in this situation! I'm not sure what to advise but just wanted to say he's absolute moron!

OP, you say if sex had taken place you'd leave; he's having what could be perceived as an emotional affair, what's the difference and that's not including his knack to insult you at the drop of a hat.

You go then, even if it's to your mum's or a friends; otherwise, I don't see anything changing and it could very well move onto a physical affair.

You would be a complete mug to remain in a relationship with this man

He doesn't even like you. He is happy to throw you under a bus in order to sniff around OW

He might not have shagged her yet....but it is certainly on the cards. Or he hopes it is. If she had any sense she would tell him to fuck right off too

That would be horrible whoever he sent it to eg his brother. Wow.

God, it is depressing what some women will lap up just to stay in the satellite of men like this

And I include both of you in that

That's awful. For her as well as you. He's playing her and telling you probably untrue insulting things about her and he's telling her untrue insulting thing about you.

I'd end if for this. I could not be with a man who was Insulting me like this and he couldn't even delete, he left the messages knowing you'd find them.

You cannot keep him there for fear of upsetting the children. He neither loves or respects you. End it.

He's laying the groundwork for sleeping with her and then you, and he, blame her for it, because "she's promiscuous" and "she sleeps with married men!" (as if said married men had no agency there ).

He's not on your team, OP. He's pursuing her.