husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

[RoseNarene]

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

I had this with my ex he was calling me to a co worker and shagging her behind my back, if he is calling you to her than he has zero respect and he dosnt love you. This may be harsh but you do t take the piss out of a person you love.

Thanks AF. I only wish that someone had given it to me a few months ago!

It's devastating when you do your best then find out your beloved OH was only keeping you hanging around until something better came along..

I've worked with a couple of men who routinely bad mouthed their girlfriends to women in the office looking for sympathy. Both men had affairs and were (IMO) quite misogynistic underneath a thin veneer of charm. At a works do one even asked me casually for a shag. I'm afraid your OP reminded me of those grubby opportunists.

Rose your priority has to be your job over the next few days. Get that out of the way and then spend time over the eeekend working out your options.

When I discovered exes affair - which started with 'innocent' friendly texts like your P is sending, I coped by being very practical and working out how the childcare, house and finances would work. Once I knew options that would work for me and DC it was easier to ask him to go.

He really is laying the groundwork to have a affair here. If it doesn't happen with her, there will be someone else in the future.

I have my ex two chances and I really wish I hadn't. All it did was delay the inevitable. If you seperate on the near future, it'll be less painful on DC than when they're older.

His behaviour is disgusting, shows complete lack of respect for you . Others have said it more eloquently than me but I wanted to try and offer some support.

I have a very close relationship with my ex, but we have boundaries. I do not ever discuss DH or our marriage with him and I do not flirt with him, though surely that goods without saying. I never send him any texts or emails that I wouldn't be 100% happy for DH to read, and he never sends me anything I'd be bothered about showing DH.
If at any point he started showing a lack of respect for DH or our marriage, I would stop contact with him as I never want DH to feel disrespected and I will not tolerate DH being treated that way - I love DH and his feelings matter to me above all others.

I honestly think that if you are in a relationship/marriage and want to have a close relationship with someone else then healthy boundaries are essential, at the very least to stop suspicion and resentment building up. The fact that your partner isn't prepared to do that speaks volumes. I also do not buy it when you hear some people say that emotional affairs "just happened" or that they were driven to it .

Even if he doesn't go on to have an affair (or isn't already having one) I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had so little respect for me. You are worth more than this . Sorry if that wasn't very well written, I'm on some strong pain meds and having trouble articulating tonight.

im pretty relaxed about male female friendships but this is beyond bollocks. Honestly he sounds like an absolute twat. Its one thing to complain in a factual manner about your partners behaviour to a friend (of any gender or marital status) id consider that fine.. but to actively insult you? Thats not confiding in a friend for advice and support that flirting and also being an absolute dickhead.
LTB honestly LTB!!!

If it were me I would begin to plan my exit. Unless you have enough money to move out right away. Get the important papers together, and look around for a place to go...could you go stay with family....even if ir means changing where you work? Good luck.

At best, he doesn't respect you and has no problem denigrating you in order to get his ego stroked, at worst, he's laying the groundwork to get his dick stroked.

This is the second time you've caught him and there really is nothing more he can say to hide his contempt of you. This is who he is and as painful as it is now, it will be soul destroying trying to hold onto someone that not only doesn't care but who doesn't care to care.

You're in shock and you don't have to make any major decisions right now other than get through the next couple of days. It will take time to get used to the new reality of your relationship and the possible impact it will have on your futures.

He's insulting you with the remarks about exercise and healthy eating but dressing it up as concern for your health; To me it sounds like he wants you to lose weight for him.

In my opinion from what you've described he fancies the girl from work - He obviously enjoys chatting to her and referring to her as a "yummy mummy" is flirting.

The fact she's saying things like "Oh you're not compatible" is highly fucking offensive and your husband should have corrected her if he had any respect for you and your relationship.

I don't think they have slept together yet but it's heading that way; He's craving attention and she's giving it to him.

I honestly have to commend you for keeping such a cool head about it all, if I had read a message where my fella was telling someone that I was "frumpy" I would have gone ballistic; He's an ignoramus and a complete dick head.

Don't let yourself be treated that way!

I've said this before. And ill say it 1,000x: anything you can't come home and cheerfully tell loved one you're doing is cheating. Penis in Vagina is only one of those things, not the entirety of it. OP, you have set a (very reasonable, i hope you can now see, from the responses) boundary. FFS, it's a boundary you shouldn't even have to set!!! But you did, and he's pissed all over it. Deal breaker.

And, I'm concerned about your worries over his reaction to you chucking him out. Is he violent? Verbally abusive? These are whole other bones of contention. Take a lunch hour this week to get lawyered up. Please. And best if luck with the job!

And, I'm concerned about your worries over his reaction to you chucking him out. Is he violent? Verbally abusive? These are whole other bones of contention. Take a lunch hour this week to get lawyered up. Please. And best if luck with the job!

OP you know who this is 😘 I didn't want to text you so he could see it but if you need help with the kids to talk to him you have it, me. Like has been said get work done these next few days, speak to him when you can. We are here for you x

That would be a deal breaker for me doing it a second time. I'm sorry op but if he hasn't already he wants to get into her pants.

This sounds horrible for you.
But... No knee jerk reactions needed just yet.
Take your time.
Gather more evidence.
Make sure you take photo's of anything you find that is horrible and disrespectful towards you and nice about her.
Concentrate on your new job for now.
Get that under your belt.
Then get some advice - legal.
I know everyone is saying LTB but it's not so easy when you are in the thick of it.
It's just words right now. Hurtful ones, yes.
Gather your evidence, get into your job and then decide what YOU want to do about all of this.

Yes I took pictures of the messages. I took pictures the first time but I deleted them after I felt we had resolved the issue. Wish I'd kept them now.

Today was a nightmare... first day at new job went ok, but baby kept crying in the night and toddler kept doing this shouty thing in her sleep that she used to do. Hasn't done it for ages but chose last night to do it again, of course!! Only got about 4 hours sleep.

Husband knows something is up. Gave him the cold shoulder and he didn't like it.

I checked his phone again and ALL THE MESSAGES HAVE BEEN DELETED.

Glad I got my photo evidence.

Still just trying to make it through the next couple of days. On auto-pilot.

You poor thing; get surrounded by nice kind people, family and friends, gradually start detaching from him: I don't know how you are managing not to go absolutely nuts at him, so he does not know that you have read him slagging you off again?

I'm glad you took pictures.

He absolutely knows he crossed a line by a looong distance; otw, he wouldn't have felt the need to delete everything all of a sudden

You have to decide what you want to do. Personally, I'd start making plans to be on my own and getting him out. You deserve better.

Firstly, Gemly, you sound like a lovely friend.

Secondly, OP, I am only repeating what others have said but the boundary you set was perfectly reasonable-I know many who would have binned him off the first time-and he showed it no respect. I am issuing my first ever LTB. With bells on.

Hi op you have your proof now. He's deleted the messages. I think you should show him what you have screen shot and say that because he has lied to you a second time. He needs to leave and give you some time to think x

Gemly is my big sister :)

As a person, I'm very passionate, very sensitive, very deep feeling... when I argue, I argue with fireworks. I shout and rant and rave. Only with those closest to me of course ;) So when I have argued with husband in the past, that's how it's always been. We shout, we rant, we rave - we sort things out... most of the time.

That's my usual reaction. So it just... doesn't seem to fit this time.

No I'm not worried about him being violent. But I know he would bang on the door and force me to handle the fact he'd woken the kids. He would use them being upset about hearing their dad outside shouting against me as a way of forcing me to open the door so that they feel better. He's not the sort of person to leave the house or sleep in another bed because I've asked him to or told him to. His response would be - it's my house too. YOU leave. YOU sleep downstairs.

Could you do that then? Pack the kids and yourself up and stop with family/friends in a hotel for the weekend?

Can you forward the photos to your sister, or an innocuous looking folder on a computer / iPad only you use? I wouldn't be surprised if the messages get deleted from your phone.

Obviously the messages themselves are not the whole problem, they are evidence of the problem, but your H sounds like the type to try and gaslight you.

Yy to securing the photos.

I've deleted the pictures from my phone but I have secured them elsewhere.