husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

[RoseNarene]

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

[RoseNarene]

Yes there is another thread where I have updated. I'm getting divorced. Currently living with the parents.

[rasmusklump]

This is an old thread, I hope things are better for you now @RoseNarene

[Lauralou69]

My ex did this to me years ago, always going on about a girl frpm uni, i got miffed, he told me I was crazy, all in my head etc. Then I found the Skype messages, how crazy I was, he wanted to kiss her, be with her.....the usual. It hurt like hell at the time, especially as I was pregnant with our daughter. Truth is it doesn't touch me know and I know exactly what he is
....an insecure pathetic cockwomble!! As is your husband......believe me he WILL do it again, he hasnt an ounce of integrity, and you WILL get over it. Take your time, but tell him it's over, stop cooking, washing etc for him....he will never change and you will never get over the betrayal.

[Ferfukzsake]

meant to post to www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3002232-What-should-I-do-Tell-his-wife?pg=3&messages=100

[Ferfukzsake]

Yikes - posted to wrong forum - so sorry!!!!

[HelenDenver]

agree with sandy re waiting to confront

[SandyY2K]

Don't confront him, until you know your next move.

Confronting will result in denial, then accusations of you overreacting because it was 'a joke'. Then an apology to never do it again. You know his promises aren't worth anything.

You can need to decide where you go from here, with the information you have.

This isn't a matter of him being able to explain it or give you excuses.

I've spoken with several betrayed spouses and what hurt them most wasn't the affair, but the horrible things their spouse said about them during the affair, which were all lies to gain sympathy.

He's not quite in the PA stage and he's talking like this. She's not telling him to stop, but he's the one badmouthing you and I imagine he's told her a lot more stuff about you verbally, hence she said you were incompatible.
He's feeding her with a lot negative comments. For everything you've found, there is bound to be stuff he deleted before you saw it and he'll only confess to what you can prove.

[ImpetuousBride]

I think it's time you confronted him. Don't worry about the logistics just yet - show him his own messages. Then you have two options: let him speak for himself and see what kind of bullsh*t excuse he'll come up with; or simply let him know that you want nothing to do with him. If you choose the latter, don't tell him to leave, lock him out etc. just yet. Leave things as they are until you arrange the best scenario for yourself and kids (be it legal advice, staying with parents or moving out yourself). In the meanwhile continue to cohabit - as nothing else but roomates.

I know it will be very hard to rearrange your life completely but don't try to work things out with him just because you feel trapped/optionless.

[RoseNarene]

I've deleted the pictures from my phone but I have secured them elsewhere.

[HelenDenver]

Yy to securing the photos.

[Inertia]

Can you forward the photos to your sister, or an innocuous looking folder on a computer / iPad only you use? I wouldn't be surprised if the messages get deleted from your phone.

Obviously the messages themselves are not the whole problem, they are evidence of the problem, but your H sounds like the type to try and gaslight you.

[AgathaF]

Could you do that then? Pack the kids and yourself up and stop with family/friends in a hotel for the weekend?

[RoseNarene]

Gemly is my big sister :)

As a person, I'm very passionate, very sensitive, very deep feeling... when I argue, I argue with fireworks. I shout and rant and rave. Only with those closest to me of course ;) So when I have argued with husband in the past, that's how it's always been. We shout, we rant, we rave - we sort things out... most of the time.

That's my usual reaction. So it just... doesn't seem to fit this time.

No I'm not worried about him being violent. But I know he would bang on the door and force me to handle the fact he'd woken the kids. He would use them being upset about hearing their dad outside shouting against me as a way of forcing me to open the door so that they feel better. He's not the sort of person to leave the house or sleep in another bed because I've asked him to or told him to. His response would be - it's my house too. YOU leave. YOU sleep downstairs.

[Thinkingofausername1]

Hi op you have your proof now. He's deleted the messages. I think you should show him what you have screen shot and say that because he has lied to you a second time. He needs to leave and give you some time to think x

[thebakerwithboobs]

Firstly, Gemly, you sound like a lovely friend.

Secondly, OP, I am only repeating what others have said but the boundary you set was perfectly reasonable-I know many who would have binned him off the first time-and he showed it no respect. I am issuing my first ever LTB. With bells on.

[EweAreHere]

I'm glad you took pictures.

He absolutely knows he crossed a line by a looong distance; otw, he wouldn't have felt the need to delete everything all of a sudden

You have to decide what you want to do. Personally, I'd start making plans to be on my own and getting him out. You deserve better.

[Adora10]

You poor thing; get surrounded by nice kind people, family and friends, gradually start detaching from him: I don't know how you are managing not to go absolutely nuts at him, so he does not know that you have read him slagging you off again?

[RoseNarene]

Yes I took pictures of the messages. I took pictures the first time but I deleted them after I felt we had resolved the issue. Wish I'd kept them now.

Today was a nightmare... first day at new job went ok, but baby kept crying in the night and toddler kept doing this shouty thing in her sleep that she used to do. Hasn't done it for ages but chose last night to do it again, of course!! Only got about 4 hours sleep.

Husband knows something is up. Gave him the cold shoulder and he didn't like it.

I checked his phone again and ALL THE MESSAGES HAVE BEEN DELETED.

Glad I got my photo evidence.

Still just trying to make it through the next couple of days. On auto-pilot.

[hellsbellsmelons]

This sounds horrible for you.
But... No knee jerk reactions needed just yet.
Take your time.
Gather more evidence.
Make sure you take photo's of anything you find that is horrible and disrespectful towards you and nice about her.
Concentrate on your new job for now.
Get that under your belt.
Then get some advice - legal.
I know everyone is saying LTB but it's not so easy when you are in the thick of it.
It's just words right now. Hurtful ones, yes.
Gather your evidence, get into your job and then decide what YOU want to do about all of this.

[Thinkingofausername1]

That would be a deal breaker for me doing it a second time. I'm sorry op but if he hasn't already he wants to get into her pants.

[Gemly]

OP you know who this is 😘 I didn't want to text you so he could see it but if you need help with the kids to talk to him you have it, me. Like has been said get work done these next few days, speak to him when you can. We are here for you x

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

And, I'm concerned about your worries over his reaction to you chucking him out. Is he violent? Verbally abusive? These are whole other bones of contention. Take a lunch hour this week to get lawyered up. Please. And best if luck with the job!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

And, I'm concerned about your worries over his reaction to you chucking him out. Is he violent? Verbally abusive? These are whole other bones of contention. Take a lunch hour this week to get lawyered up. Please. And best if luck with the job!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I've said this before. And ill say it 1,000x: anything you can't come home and cheerfully tell loved one you're doing is cheating. Penis in Vagina is only one of those things, not the entirety of it. OP, you have set a (very reasonable, i hope you can now see, from the responses) boundary. FFS, it's a boundary you shouldn't even have to set!!! But you did, and he's pissed all over it. Deal breaker.