husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

[RoseNarene]

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

Op he has already betrayed you. He's trying to have an emotional affair at the very least and using moaning about you as a way to spark the conversation. If you respect and love a person that would never happen. Ever. You deserve better

I'm just trying to work out if there's anything he can do or say to make me trust him again and I just don't know.

What indication has he given you that he wants to make you trust him again?

It seems to me that you have jumped a few steps here. He is still treating you like something he stood on in the park. Rebuilding trust doesn't come into it.

OP. Set the bar higher,

He's a pig.

Op....you are desperately scrabbling around to find him the tools to continue to make a fool of you

You need to stop. He doesn't need any more assistance from you in that regard

The pain in my heart would turn to full on fucking rage pretty quickly. He would be out the door.

The blind fucking how dare you rage would make the decision for me before I had a chance to back out.

He has completely disrespected you and mocks you with this other woman...

He knew you checked his phone, is he thick? Did he hope you would find texts and chuck him out to escape his responsibilities and run off into the sunset?

Really sorry this has happened OP but I reckon it should have been dealt with first time. Speak to someone in RL and have a big cry.

How can you possibly envisage a future where you are happy and can trust him after reading that? Can you see in a year or 5 years, you two as a happy, loving couple?

Come on, OP. There's no way you can sustain a healthy relationship with this man. Bite the bullet

I'm so sorry but that made me shudder. It's horrible. I agree with you that it would be impossible to get over reading something like that.

I know it's shattering to think of starting again with young children but you'll turn into an insecure, needy wreck if you try to salvage this.

You'll be so much happier without him.

I wonder in what world you'd call him something like a beer bellied slob, while calling a single man a fit cool fit dad and he'd be happy to stay married to you.

Think about it.
He doesn't give a damn or he wants to give that impression. Neither is good.

People in affairs often lie and talk badly about their spouse. That's exactly what he's doing.

He's taking the piss out of you to another woman
Bang out of order , I wouldn't be able to let that slide
Someone who loves you doesn't mug you off like that

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I'm just weighing up my options. If I do try to talk through it, what could he say to make me trust him again, since he already promised not to do this again but has? I can't think of anything.

Like I said, I feel so numb right now. It's hard to think.

Kinda just sitting here pretending nothing is wrong while he sits next to me. I want to make sure that whatever I do, I do it in the right way. Need to figure this out.

I would t be able to sit next to him; not after what he said. I'd be fucking livid.

The reason why you can't think of anything is because there is no coming back from what he's said. He's already promised not to contact her in that way; he lied and has instead escalated it. If you had it out with him and he promised again then would you be able to trust him? I know I certainly wouldn't.

You know what you need to do OP. Your H knew you'd see it as is using it to gauge what he can get away with next. Don't be a doormat.

Get a pen. Get a piece of paper. Write down what he wrote about you. Give it to him. Then tell him to FOTTFSOF.

That's awful. No loyalty, he is flirting and if it isn't an emotional affair it'll soon head that way and then eventually physical.

It's not appropriate to text her slagging you off. He needs to stop. End of.

Have you told him you've seen what he's said this time op? What does he say? I don't know how you're biting your tongue, I'd be spitting fucking feathers, just how dare he ?!

If a colleague was slagging you off then you would probably be hurt at the lack of respect. Your husband is the one slagging you off. He should be one of the few people guaranteed to have your back and your biggest support. He is as far away from this as can be.

You asked him before to not do this. He has totally disrespected your wishes. If somebody insults you he should pull them up on it, at the very least ignore the insults. But he is the one insulting you.

It doesn't matter if this woman is as promiscuous as can be. If your DH is faithful then there is no chance he would shag a promiscuous woman. Her claimed promiscuity is irrelevant. Your DH's behaviour is relevant.

If he hasn't already he will shag her as he clearly wants to and she isn't discouraging him.

I know it's a hard decision and you are torn but think what your life will be like if you stay with him. Will he support and respect you? Can you trust him? Or will you feel insecure wondering what he is saying and doing behind your back. Will he mention 'frumpy' mummy to your DC when they are older. What will his behaviour teach them.

You deserve a lot better than this disrespectful knob.

I don't know how you haven't thrown him out already?

He has made you a laughing stock. He sounds hideous.

No I haven't said anything to him yet. I found the messages yesterday. I think I know what he would say - that he didn't mean it, it was a joke etc. How he would defend himself for doing it after he promised not to, I can't say.

I start a new job after maternity leave tomorrow. The timing is fucking awful. I'm in bed but I can't sleep. It's so unfair that this is happening to me. I know that sounds really whingey and childish but it's like, I did nothing to deserve this. This situation has been thrust upon me and now I have to do something about it.

I'm not going to be a doormat but there are logistics to be covered - how do I bring this up? We had a great big argument last time and clearly that didn't work. If I ask him to leave, he won't. I know he won't. And I can't force him. I don't want to make a scene in front of the kids. I don't want him bashing on my door upsetting them if I locked him out, which legally I can't do anyway cos it's his house too. We both work. I don't have anyone except his parents to take the kids if we are going to have this out.

I'm just trying to work out in my head exactly how I go about this.

It also occurs to me that I haven't said thank you to all of you for your responses. You've really helped to put this in perspective and get an outside point of view. I really appreciate the time you've all taken to reply.

Have you taken a photo of the message so he can't claim he didn't send it?

OP, do you read the relationship board? How often do you see an OP posting about her DH who has had an affair and the post goes along the lines of 'I thought we were happy but now he's saying he's been unhappy for x amount of time. He's saying we were more like friends / the spark is gone / it's not a marriage.' And then you get a load of posters saying 'this is the script, this is what they say, they rewrite history to justify their actions.
THIS is where that starts. At home, you have a happy marriage. At work / to her, he's a put upon man who is unhappy in his relationship, who's OH shouts at him / doesn't understand him / causes arguments. He's setting him up to get closer to her while justifying it in his head that you and him are incompatible.

He's an arse. I would suggest a short sharp shock. Get papers together, work out how you would stand financially if you left, work out what kind of contact he would have. Then leave for a few days then tell him that you won't accept this. I wouldn't get drawn into it - you have a line. He chooses to cross it, and in return, you get to choose if you will accept it. Tell him you've done your research, that separation means X amount of contact, Y amount of maintenance and that you will be fine on your own (even if you don't believe it).
The use his reaction to help decide how to move forward.

Ok

Breathe.

One foot in front of the other.

Rest as much as you can and get through your first day tomorrow. Focus on your new job. It's more important than him for the next few days. Interact with him as little as possible.

Sorry to read about this. A similar thing happened to me with my now ex partner (I’m male, by the way). She has an ex that she remained friendly with. She would talk about him A LOT. A few months ago she let slip that they had been discussing something very minor I had done that had annoyed her and his reaction, ‘I would never do that to you.’ Yuck. Creepy. Alarm bells. At the time, I felt hurt quite hurt but decided not to make a big deal about it and tried to let it go.

A couple of months later, completely out of the blue, a situation came up with this ex that I was not prepared to accept and that led to our break up. Very painful for me, I still don’t know the truth and never will and I suppose I will be struggling to make sense of it for a very long time. I now wish I had brought things to a head when she reported their conversation... Maybe we could have sorted things out or maybe ending the relationship that way would have spared me a lot of heartache and left my dignity intact.

So my advice to you is that doing nothing now is not an option. Don’t put yourself through the anguish. It’ll only develop into an even worse situation somewhere down the line. You need to make it clear that this is not acceptable to you. How you do that is your business but I’d suggest as a minimum he needs to cease texting this woman altogether, change his phone number (there is no reason a colleague needs his personal number) and start looking for another job. He sounds awful, by the way.

Good luck.

That is good advice from same

Actions speak louder than words. He told you what he thought you wanted to hear to get him out of hot water in that moment. The subsequent actions disproved his sincerity. His words are not to be trusted.
It is valid to play a "long game" in getting out of the relationship.
Emotionally detach.
Your new paychecks will be going into your very own account, yes?
Stop sleeping with him...you know, you need as much sleep as possible to tend to the dc and be well rested for your job. Maybe he will get in his head to leave you=result!

I am sorry you are going through this. Hug your dc extra every day.