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Relationships

husband texting a single, female co-worker negative things about me

134 replies

RoseNarene · 31/01/2017 15:29

I've been married four years and have 2 gorgeous girls, one of them 4, the other 9 months. My husband and I have our issues, but nothing that's a deal breaker. Things have been tough as we have had to adapt to having another baby so I haven't been sleeping well, and during the pregnancy I had some awful stuff going on at work that was causing me a lot of stress. So yeah, we've been through a lot recently.

A few months ago, I just happened to see that he had a message on his phone so looked at it (neither of us are secretive about our phones) and it was from this single, rather promiscuous woman at his work, who I already knew he was friends with and texted regularly. He was totally moaning about me to her. I can't recall the exact details but he was telling her things i had said during arguments and what he thought about it (things that he hadn't necessarily told me) and she was responding with lines like "Oh, I would never do that". etc.

I flicked through the messages and saw he had done it quite a few times so I confronted him and told him I didn't want him doing that any more. I don't mind him having a moan - I think we all need space and time to have a vent so it doesn't fester and get worse, and it helps having someone to talk to - but I felt that firstly, telling her things that he hadn't told me was out of order (when I have a moan about him I never tell anything different to what I have said to him) but to use this woman, a single woman, a promiscuous woman who has slept with married men before, was totally inappropriate and disrespectful. He has plenty of other people he could talk to. He argued with me about it but understood and agreed when I said he wouldn't like it if I moaned about him to a single man. So he agreed not to do it again.

So the other day I happen to look at his phone - I told him that because my trust was violated I would be looking at his phone again, so he knew I would do it - and not only has he been moaning about me (including her saying she thinks we're "just not compatible") but he also referred to her as a "yummy mummy", and when she said "yes, like your wife", he said "no, she's a grumpy, trumpy, frumpy mummy lol".

I know that if i asked, he would say he didn't mean anything by it. But I don't believe him and tbh, I'm not sure I care whether he meant it or not. He has crossed the line AGAIN, and this time, complimented her at the same time as insulting me. I don't think they are having an affair (though feel free to call me out on that one) but that doesn't mean I don't think it would go that way. She has slept with men in serious relationships before (I should say I don't know her personally, this is all stuff that HE tells me).

I don't know what to do. I am hurt and upset, of course, and angry too. If I just sit him down and talk to him about it and he agrees not to do it again, how can i trust him? He could easily carry on and just delete the messages, and he since he sees her at work he could just carry on talking about me face to face with her. I can't stop him. And does it make me a crazy wife to dictate to him who he can and cannot see? Would I have to force him to change jobs just to attempt to keep them apart? Why should I have to keep them apart?

Like I said, I don't think they are having an affair but that doesn't mean I think it could never happen. I do trust him not to sleep with her (at the moment) but clearly I can't trust him not to talk about me behind my back. I just feel so disrespected and that my trust in him has been violated. If he had slept with her it would be very simple - I would leave him. But I just don't know what to do. Take drastic action? Lock him out of the house? We rely on each other - as most married couple do - to look after the kids when each of us are working and we share a car. I guess if I did take some sort of drastic action then I could ask my family to help me out.

I did think to myself that if he did it again, then I would take some sort of drastic action... but he has already done it TWICE. I don't think I can just let it go.

Please help :(

OP posts:
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Rachelshakes · 31/01/2017 17:44

I really feel for you OP.

My ex did this with a woman from his past. I found all the messages and he said some really horrible things about me and she obviously soothed his ego. The texts then became sexual. It was definitely an emotional affair and if I hadnt have called this out on it it would have definitely escalated. I thought I could forgive him and move forward. 8 months on we have broken up as I cannot get over how badly he treated me. Think long and hard about if you can get over it or not. Sending hugs!

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Trifleorbust · 31/01/2017 17:45

I would divorce my husband if he described me as 'frumpy' to another woman. I wouldn't be responsible for my actions if he called me 'trumpy'.

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Hellothereitsme · 31/01/2017 17:48

You deserve more OP.

he doesn't sound very nice. He thinks the grass is greener. Ignore what he says about her sleeping with married men - he is setting the stage for when he does it - he can then blame her.

You deserve so much more. Please do t let this man destroy your confidence. What would you say to your daughters if their husband said the same. Women don't need to stay with horrible, sexist rude men anymore.

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FatOldBag · 31/01/2017 17:49

He's a cunt. Get some legal advice about getting him out of the house. Once he's had some time on his own, and realised you won't accept being treated with contempt, he might realise he actually would value a relationship with you. Hopefully by that time though you will have moved on and realised that you're worth more than this total sack of crap who's spent months trying to cheat on you by chatting up this woman and making out to her that he doesn't like you (so it's more obvious he's after shagging her, despite being married).

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SandyY2K · 31/01/2017 17:52

That would be a dealbreaker for me. The trust is gone and he clearly thinks she's better than you.

Actions have consequences. He didn't have any last time. He didn't have any fear of you leaving him.

I couldn't be married to someone who referred to me that way. If I did stay, I'd really be detaching from him emotionally and have one foot out of the marriage. That's too hurtful. I couldn't even sleep with him after that comment.

He's totally crossed the line.

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SandyY2K · 31/01/2017 18:02

You don't have the right to lock him out, but you can tell him as far as you're concerned, your done with him and you'll be seeing a solicitor with a view to legal separation to start with.

Do you think he'd turn her down for sex after those messages? Not a chance. She was goading him to say something about you and he fell right into it. He's very concerned about stroking her ego, but feels no way about trashing you to her.

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BlueFolly · 31/01/2017 18:47

If you don't think he will leave, that is fine, many people make the decision to split up and work out the logistics afterwards.

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Danglybits · 31/01/2017 18:55

I'm not sure if this is relevant but my DH had a brief affair. I found the emails. He was soppy about OW but he did not slag me off. I'm not saying what he did was ok AT ALL but if he'd slagged me off that would have been the last straw.

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BumDNC · 31/01/2017 18:57

It doesn't matter if she is single or married, male or female he shouldn't be saying those things about you. The fact it's to a woman means he's laying down the groundwork for possible sex. Having been an unwilling recipient of a few married men in my time, it is true they all come with a sob story and 'dislike' of their wife because it makes them look potentially available and a poor, unhappy man who just wants to be appreciated.

Totally agree you need to put her situation out of your thoughts, he's told you quite specific details about her being predatory, yet he's approaching her.

As for your marriage I can't see how you can regain trust and respect, he's truely broken it.

You don't have to make him leave immediately but you can make it clear that he's crossed the line and you can't continue in this marriage. He will have to accept that. If he is threatening or scary then you should call the police. See a solicitor

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Janey50 · 31/01/2017 19:01

He said you were 'a grumpy frumpy grumpy mummy'? What a total twat. If I found out that my DP had spoken about me like that to another woman,he would be history.

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glassspider · 31/01/2017 19:01

Wow. How horrible for you OP. You deserve so much better than this, how dare he? Using those nasty terms, and knowing full well it upsets you ... LTB. He just wants an ego boost.

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twattymctwatterson · 31/01/2017 19:07

She isn't the enemy here. He's laying the groundwork for you to be doing the 'pick me' dance and directing your fury towards her. Btw single women can sleep with as many men as they like and it doesn't make them horrible people or some kind of scarlet woman. I'm not saying having an affair with a married man is not wrong but in all honesty from everything you've said, he's pursuing her.

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twattymctwatterson · 31/01/2017 19:08

Oh and in case my last post didn't make it clear enough, he's a cock and you deserve more

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georgethecat · 31/01/2017 19:12

Grumpy, frumpy & trumpy???

What. An. Asshole.

It's stuff like this that makes me want to form a feminist vigilante group and dish out retribution to twats like this.

We would have capes and would definitely shove his phone up his bottom. Dolly bird would be made to retrieve it.....without gloves

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AyeAmarok · 31/01/2017 19:16

Dolly bird would be made to retrieve it.....without gloves

Dolly bird? How very feminist of you.

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SarahM24 · 31/01/2017 19:22

You really do deserve better. They are both being selfish pricks massaging each others ego building up to a physical affair most probably. Id screen shot all the messages and send them to his mum and show him up for the tosser he is. You do deserve better i hope you can/will see that. Can you get support from friends and family? Show him this thread and the replies of disgust at his pathetic behaviour.

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Iamdobby63 · 31/01/2017 19:28

No don't show him the thread, it will just be all our fault.

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Tryingtobenormalnow · 31/01/2017 19:29

Flowers He is behaving really badly, OP and it's no reflection in you. Take pictures of the messages on your phone in case you need to refer to them later.

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RoseNarene · 31/01/2017 19:36

A few people are commenting on what I said about the woman... you are quite right, she is entitled to sleep with whoever she wants, married or not. I don't dislike her for that. I did say she was 'promiscuous' (obviously this is just based on what husband says) but I meant it more as a fact than an insult!

However, I don't like the woman. I knew she was promiscuous before, but I didn't care. It didn't affect my opinion of her. What coloured my opinion was her, as so many of you have put it, stroking his ego and making out like she was better than me, saying we are incompatible etc. But again, whilst this is immoral and I wouldn't speak like that to a married man, I'm not going to do anything about her. She's not my problem, I understand that.

I'm just trying to work out if there's anything he can do or say to make me trust him again and I just don't know. I want to work things out but I don't know if I can... Is it time to just accept that this is too bad and we can't move on from it? Again, I don't know. I don't know anything.

I'm feeling oddly numb right now. I have moments - flashes, really - when I want to cry, and flashes where I feel physically sick. The thought of everything changing is really scary. I just don't know. I don't want to be a doormat. I'm not gonna sit here and say I don't want to lose him if he deserves to be lost, as it were. I just don't know how I feel about him or our life together or anything any more.

OP posts:
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Danglybits · 31/01/2017 19:39

Have you got a close friend IRL to confide in? It needs to be someone you trust (obvs) but also someone who is able to be discreet and supportive, no matter what the future holds.

I told very few friends about DH's affair bc I wanted to keep my options open if we stayed together. We did stay and it was the right decision. It would have been much harder if I'd spilt the beans to more people.

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BlueFolly · 31/01/2017 19:39

Thing is, you want it to work, does he?

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Danglybits · 31/01/2017 19:40

PS Ideally you need someone to look after the children for a few hours to give you time to think.

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Iamdobby63 · 31/01/2017 19:41

If you just forgive him he will do it again, he has proven that. If he won't respect you then you have to respect yourself. I think he feels very secure with you and knows he is safe. Personally I would give him a jolt and see what happens.

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AnyFucker · 31/01/2017 19:52

Seriously ? This guy treats you like absolute shit and you are still looking for a way to stay with him ?

Sheesh

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Introvertedbuthappy · 31/01/2017 20:08

Really OP, tell him to leave. He was clearly testing the waters here - let's face facts: he knew you were checking his phone and yet STILL referred to you as frumpy, grumpy and trumpy compared to her 'yummy mummy'. He knew you would find it and has used this to see what you will do - ie can he now push the line further, knowing that you will stay even after this.

Also, a lot of your ire seems to be with this woman, yet it is him calling her a yummy mummy and putting you down; it is him complaining about you and saying how awful you are...what do you suppose his motives are, if not to get into her knickers?

I really think you need to show him you won't tolerate this; that you deserve better. Please don't brush it under the carpet - it's basically a green light for him to go and shag his colleague, all safe in the knowledge that you'll never leave.

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