I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

[Bamboofordinneragain]

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

Just told DH. He has gone for a run to think it all through. It was a total shock to him, he had no idea. I've never seen him so deflated by anything, it was awful. But I'm pleased to have told him.
Last night was the usual kind of stuff, not a hint of anything between anybody. I was on edge the whole time, trying not to look at the two of them to see if I could pick anything up from how they behaved. If I hadn't been a hundred percent certain of what I saw, I wouldn't have known anything was any different.
All the responses on here have left me more confused then ever - I was nearly certain that it was the right thing to forget it ever happened. But reading about the hurt that can cause has made me think that's cowardly and wrong. There's no way to do the right thing here.

But how can it be the right thing not to tell them that you know? There are two other people here - presumably innocent - never mind any children that there might be, who stand to be very hurt by this. And if they find out that you (and now your DH) knew all along, then that's your friendship with them gone as well.

BIWI it's the right thing in the opinion of selfish people not to tell because they believe some comparatively minor potential discomfort for them is more of a consideration than allowing the cheated people the truth on something that affects their whole world.

Joysmum - I'm not worried about the discomfort on my part, far from it. I'm worried about what I stumbled on causing more hurt than if I'd never seen it. These are old and cherished friends, whatever their motives are.
DH back from run. He will have a view, I hope.

How can being stuck with a cheater for the rest of your life and not empowered to make your own choice about whether you try to work it out be more hurtful than wasting the best years of your life on someone who doesn't cherish you as you deserve and has robbed you of your change of finding somebody who does treat you with respect?

It's not your place to make arbitrary decisions on what's best for other people in that way. If you'd ever been cheated on you'd know that

Totally agree joysmum. That is my reasoning too.

Bamboo I think telling them is the right thing to do. I would tell the ones having an affair that I had seen them, had told DH and that I expected them to be honest with their spouses or I would do it for them.

I do think though with this affair happening, not just with telling, you have to be prepared for this to blow apart the friendship group.

I'd not tell my DH immediately as he's far more likely to blurt something out. I'd speak privately to the woman involved and tell her I saw them. Then the two of them can have a think about what to do next.

What exactly did you see ? Did you see them kissing / holding hands ??
Could you have misconstrued. ?
If you say anything they will both wriggle like eels to get out of it and you will be villified . She got it wrong . We bumped into each other. Etc etc etc.
Don't do it as you will come out the worse and lose the innocent partners as friends for a time until that is it all hits the fan

My oh and I just discussed this. We would tell each other. Whether he told anyone else would really depend on his relationship wit the people involved but his tendency would be to pretend it didn't happen. For me however I don't understand the prevailing etiquette not to tell. I wouldn't be looking to learn more than I know or to discuss it. "I don't understand what I saw and I don't need to but it has disturbed me so I'm letting you know I saw you".

The trouble with letting her know you know is that, even if you keep utterly quiet, if it gets out by some other means, you will be in the frame for having blabbed. If she doesn't know you know, that can't happen.

Rady if a longstanding friend told me what she had seen (as per the op), I'd be hysterical. I would see my world smashed, but I would be pleased to know. My friend would be even more important to me and my would value her loyalty.

I say all this as you don't know the personalities involved, but the OP does. She will know how her friend is likely to react. The fact her DH was upset by the news reassures me he's more likely of the 'nice bloke' type. Had he said 'I know, but hey what do you do', I have thought what a wanker.

OP i feel very sorry for you, it's yet another example of how affairs ruin lives. My DM and Dad had a group of friends where an affair like this happened and it broke up the group. One couple moved away. The couple who lived opposite us my parents never saw again. This was my Dads best mate at the time. Very very sad.

I strongly believe by warning the hurt parties of what you saw you are not complicit in the deceit. I believe the injured parties will see that, but it can't be guaranteed.

I'm another one who had an ex that had an affair and realised that everyone else already knew, yet hadn't told me. I can't tell you how hurt and stupid it made me feel.

Personally id tell the wife. And from experience the sooner the better-i found something out and the longer ive left it, the harder it is to tell the innocent party.

DH much more certain about things than me. He feels it would be very wrong not to speak to them, but that it isn't right to tell their partners at the same time. It has to be for them to do that. He's going to see his friend tomorrow anyway, and will tell him something along the lines of what dudsville has said. This brings it into stark clarity what this kind of thing leads to - If I feel so dreadful about it, it will be a thousand times worse for the two unaware (I assume) partners involved.

Can you clarify what you actually saw ? Was it just holding hands? Because that could be misconstrued?

They were like teenagers, holding hands, very close. If it hadn't have been them, I would have thought 'ah, so sweet that they still love each other at our sort of age'.

Agree with your DH.

It is sad the effect that these kinds of things have but I agree with him that it it shouldn't have to be you that tells the betrayed partners. It really should be their spouses that do that.

I'm glad your DH is going to say something to the man tomorrow. This is something you can't sit on. You know and are friends with everyone involved.

How the man responds will tell you what kind of person he is and whether it's a friendship worth keeping...

Glad you've shared the burden of it all with your DH. In would most certainly tell the partners myself however. I know you have no idea of the extent of the affair aside from what you saw but the partners deserve to know if their sexual health may be being compromised aside from anything else!

I would absolutely mind my own business.

You'd mind your own business even though your friends' sexual health could be at risk?!

You can't "mind your own business" in a situation like that. They are cheating, they are in the wrong here, not the OP.

OP, I am really glad you confided in your DH, and glad that he is willing to share the burden with you and discuss with his friend. Nobody needs to tell the cheated on partners at the moment, but giving the cheaters a chance to do the right thing and consider their position is the right way forward.

For those who don't understand why someone would keep quiet, there are several reasons. That's not to say it's the right thing to do. It's impossible for there to be a right answer.

Here are the reasons why people keep quiet:
The resultant shit storm and possible divorce(s) is life changingly atrocious. Not just for the couple but for tens of other affected people. Some close relatives can actually become physically ill as a result. When my BIL went cheating, my MIL fell to the floor and spent 2 weeks in bed. This sounds dramatic but it is far from unusual. I have seen this up close, and been the direct victim as a child (parents divorce) and as an adult (cheating husband). The consequences are lifelong. I have a sibling in therapy 20 years after the event.

For those who would confront one or both of the cheaters, giving them an ultimatum to tell their spouse or you will out them, this to me smacks of judge, jury and executioner - played by the the finder out who is of course the most moral creature ever to have lived. If someone said this to me (not that I have cheated!), I wouldn't speak to them ever again. You cannot tell someone how to live their life. Plus it gives the cheater the chance to compose a very alternative version of events.

If you are going to tell anyone, you should be brave enough to tell the wronged spouse. You tell them factually what you saw and when you saw it.

It's a horrible situation and your friendship group is dead in the water OP regardless of what you do. You need to make sure your own marriage isn't affected and you have done that by telling your husband.

I'm so glad you've told your dh and it sounds like a very sensible plan of action