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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

287 replies

Bamboofordinneragain · 28/01/2017 17:43

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

OP posts:
itsmine · 28/01/2017 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cwtchythings · 28/01/2017 19:43

Oh my goodness. If you tell your DH, what happens if his reaction is to want to keep it a secret and take it no further? Would you be happy with that?

I think if it were me I would try my very best to convince myself I had seen two people that looked like my friends, and blank it from my mind as a best I could. Never to be brought up again, even if it all comes out some other way. That's probably not the right way to deal with this though I'll admit.

Joysmum · 28/01/2017 19:49

If another of your close friendship group knew that your DH was having an affair with one of your best friends, would you want them to tell you?

I'd never forgive a so called friend for not giving me the information I needed to make an informed decision on my own future because of their own selfish reasons.

Not telling takes away a persons choice and makes them waste their life on someone who doesn't share their values in the marriage.

If they know and choose to try again then that's their lookout.

Offred · 28/01/2017 19:51

I would have to tell DH and the two friends I saw.

I would not be put in the position of having to be the secret keeper at the expense of my marriage or my friendships.

Curious541 · 28/01/2017 19:52

I would tell DH, we're a no secrets team (apart from presents of course!)

Tonight when each of them are alone you could say "oh I think I saw you when I was in coffee shop at x the other week" but don't mention you saw them with someone then dash off to speak to someone else

Then sit back and see what reaction kicks in Grin

Offred · 28/01/2017 19:54

Maybe i'm strange but keeping friends is not more important to me than doing the right thing.

If telling the two friends I'd seen (and telling them I had told DH and wasn't prepared to keep secrets) meant it all blew up and they tried to drag me in then I would still tell and then probably exit the friendships.

mathanxiety · 28/01/2017 19:56

Not telling takes away a persons choice and makes them waste their life on someone who doesn't share their values in the marriage.
^^ This.

If I were an innocent party I would like to know.

I would tell your H what you saw and the two of you could proceed as you both wish. (As suggested earlier, it is possible your H already knows).

It's going to kill your friendship group no matter what you decide Sad.

Figure17a · 28/01/2017 19:58

I'd have to tell DH but then I'd probably try to convince myself I'd imagined it, it was just two similar looking people etc

Trustyourself2 · 28/01/2017 20:00

Would you be telling their partners in order to unburden yourself? Maybe they already know? If not, do you think they could handle being told? I'd be so shocked to hear this news. What a dilemma.

I wonder what a counsellor would suggest?

Serialweightwatcher · 28/01/2017 20:01

Know it's very awkward but if it were my DH and someone we were close to I'd want to know ... a few friends over the years have lost their other halves to their very close friends' partners - know that doesn't stop them but maybe they could just admit it before it goes on for years and destroys their significant others' self esteem even more

Donthate · 28/01/2017 20:02

Tell your partner and watch his reaction.

MrsHughesCarson · 28/01/2017 20:02

In your position, i would probably tell my DH, but only you know how your DH will react. If you decide to say nothing you must stick to this decision and NEVER own up in the future that you ever saw them.

Leeds2 · 28/01/2017 20:04

I would certainly tell OH. Probably before tonight's meeting .....

If you have ever been cheated upon, you would probably appreciate the heads up too. It is horrible knowing that your friends have been talking/speculating about you/your relationship. Even if they haven't, you will imagine that they have.

MikeUniformMike · 28/01/2017 20:11

Could it be quite innocent? I can remember walking around a strange town with a friend's husband and we held hands as we walked along and absolutely nothing was going on, not then, before or after. We didn't kiss or anything.
I would tell your DH what you saw, then put it out of your mind. If you see anything else suspicious then you can decide what to do then.

Gallavich · 28/01/2017 20:13

I can't believe how many people advising the op not to tell two of her good friends that their spouses are cheating on them Shock
What on earth constitutes friendship in your universes? Of course she should tell them. And her husband, asap.

CaraAspen · 28/01/2017 20:13

Tell your OH but stay out of it, otherwise.

CaraAspen · 28/01/2017 20:14

"Gallavich

I can't believe how many people advising the op not to tell two of her good friends that their spouses are cheating on them shock
What on earth constitutes friendship in your universes? Of course she should tell them. And her husband, asap."

Because you would hurt 4 people?

CaraAspen · 28/01/2017 20:15

"Gallavich

I can't believe how many people advising the op not to tell two of her good friends that their spouses are cheating on them shock
What on earth constitutes friendship in your universes? Of course she should tell them. And her husband, asap."

A very good reason to keep it to yourself is to avoid hurting four people. Or don't you think that is important?

Gallavich · 28/01/2017 20:17

She's not hurting anybody! The cheated one will be hurt regardless when it comes out, and hurt again by the fact that their supposed close friend knew about it and kept quiet. The two cheats - I wouldn't bat an eyelid about causing them pain!

MikeUniformMike · 28/01/2017 20:20

If there isn't anything going on, or if there isn't much, or if it is going to blow over, or if OP was mistaken (unlikely) telling the spouses will hurt them and make them hugely suspicious. It might lead to breakups, possibly involving children. It might make OP and OP's DH unpopular. Nobody wins, everyone possibly gets hurt.

CaraAspen · 28/01/2017 20:20

What if it never "comes out"? You don't know it ever will.

CaraAspen · 28/01/2017 20:21

@Gallavich

40somethingwonderful · 28/01/2017 20:23

I'd definitely tell my DH

GimmeeMoore · 28/01/2017 20:23

Gallavich,in absence of full facts I wouldn't disclose what was seen.
thats measured, not morally bereft.one can't assume other partners don't know
It's schoolyard morality to always think disclosure is best option.with adults not always

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/01/2017 20:29

I haven't read the whole thread properly, just skimmed. My take FWIW. I was cheated on, finding out that other people I liked and respected knew and didn't tell me was horrific. I struggle to trust literally anybody now. I have been through an utterly horrific divorce because of my husband's infidelity, children involved, it's been hugely traumatic. I wish wish wish somebody had had to balls to tell me to be honest...

My advice? I would take one, other or both of them aside and tell them that you know...you saw them...that they either come clean or you will have no choice but to tell spouse. I know everybody won't agree with me, but it gives them a chance to reflect on what they're doing (because at the moment, they have no idea of the horrors of the fallout from affair situations), they may decide it's not worth it or they may indeed decide to come clean and do the right thing by their current spouses.

This is just my opinion based on my own personal experience. I am really sorry for you OP, what a shit situation to be in. I hope this evening is not too stressful for you Flowers PS : Tell your husband...