I wish I hadn't seen this. WWYD?

[Bamboofordinneragain]

A bit of background - we have a friendship group of five other couples, all late forties/early fifties, DC grown and gone in most cases. We have all been close for many years.
So, last week I had a meeting in a town some distance from home. Meeting over, I was having coffee in a cafe before heading back to work. The cafe was on the first floor, overlooking the market square. Giving me a birds eye view of two of our group, hand in hand, happy as Larry, walking through the market. You will guess the next bit...

Two of my oldest friends, not married to each other, out on an awayday. I felt sick. Still do. I had no idea either marriage was rocky, although her DH can be very difficult. I haven't told anybody about this, and my gut feeling is not to. My DH doesn't know, and I hate keeping stuff from him. The man involved is his closest friend in the group, so maybe he knows and hasn't told me?
But WWYD? I am very unwilling be the one who escalates this any further - things surely can't end well in any case, so what good would telling anybody do? But if it was my DH would I want to know? I just want to hibernate for a while...

These threads always go the same way - with most people advising op to turn a blind eye. I can never understand it. I don't think I've ever heard of a betrayed spouse saying they're happy no one told them. I disagree that when you see people behaving badly you should take the 'none of my business' approach.

I was cheated on and it is horrible to know that 'friends' keep it all a secret rather than 'get involved'. I appreciate it is a tough situation.

I tend to find people who haven't ever been a betrayed spouse are all for keeping it quiet.
Once you have been cheated on, you don't know how painful it is for others to have known and not told you.

There could be a lot more to this - perhaps they have open relationships you don't know about? But personally, if my OH was cheating on me and my friends knew and didn't say anything, I would be absolutely fuming!

Definitely tell your own husband. You shouldn't let other people's fuck ups make you keep secrets from your spouse.
Other than that prob keep it quiet. It's unlikely both those other couples have rocky marriages. That's not necessarily the case, the naughty pair just might be greedy and lack self control.

I would definitely tell my DH.

My ex cheated on me. My friend found out. It broke her heart telling. She fired more than I did. i had suspicions he was a cheating bastard.

She said she could understand if I never wanted to see her again.

But I can tell you - it was my ex cut out cold.

Don't assume they're unhappily married since they're having an affair. It's not always as simple as that.

I feel for you! I've been in this situation twice.
The first my SiL told me she was sleeping with someone else and swore me to secrecy. I kept quiet, thinking it was the best thing to do, but of course when it all came out years later ... let's just say my BiL no longer speaks to me.
The second was my best friend, I told her as soon as I found out, he denied it, she believed him. It made her more suspicious of his movements though and she found out that he had a gf of several months when he was careless with his phone. The worst bit for her was that it worked out most of our friends knew and nobody had told her.
Both situations were bloody awful, you have my sympathies!

No way I wouldn't tell my DH. I can't really imagine keeping secrets from your husband, it must be an awful way to live. If it comes out afterwards that you knew (as this WILL all blow up at some point) I would imagine he'd be very hurt you hadn't confided in him.

As for telling anyone else, well, this is a no-win either way. If you're going to tell anyone beyond from DH, I'd talk to the two people involved and just let them know they haven't been as discreet as they might have thought.

If he is your DHs dearest friend, there is a strong chance that he already knows, and has been shielding you.

If roles were reversed and your friends knew your DH was cheating on you, wouldn't you want to be told? I would be losing a DH and all my friends if I knew they were complicit.

I have been in a similar situation. I know most on here won't agree but here is what I would do. First, tell your husband. Then sit down with the couple you saw. Tell them what you saw and what you think is happening.

Listen to what they have to say but then tell them that they need to end it or tell their partners what is happening. Give them a deadline.

If the deadline passes and they are still fucking about tell their partners.

This is their chance to do the right thing.

I cannot believe so many of you wouldn't say something. If my DH was cheating and not one, not one of my so called friends told me, I'd be devastated. I know some people shoot the messenger, but so be it. I'd never lie about it or keep it to myself. They were out in the open, they chose.

little how can you ever 'police' that?

sheilding or coluding in the lies. My DH would know I'd see him as complicit. These couples know each other for fucks sake.

Tell you DH. It's not a secret you should have to keep from him. Don't tell either of their partners though. Bring it up with them if you like, but keep it at that.

Horrible situation. I've been there although not in a group dynamic of such longevity, that must be very hard.

Firstly, you do need to tell your DH. It's just not something I could ever keep from him if it were also his friends.

Secondly, all the people saying to drop hints to make them feel awkward or send emails/texts. Just no! All of that is fanning the flames and also putting your unwitting involvement on the record.

Whether or not you and DH decide to say anything to anyone is only something you can figure out. decide that together so the pressures not all on you. It's not your fault, but then again, how would you feel if it were you?

We lost a good friendship over a very similar circumstance.
Except actually it was becoming very common knowledge so I said something to one of the involved parties and was pretty quickly just cut out of all group events without any further discussion. We think the DP knows but it's all been swept under the carpet and myself and DH sidelined from the group.

Oh gosh,I see your dilemma.i wouldn't tell their respective partners,I'd tell my own partner

What a horrible position to be in.

A relative of mine found out her husband had an affair and they divorced. After that 7 different friends told her he had tried it on with them and 2 others had seen him with another woman. It hurt her almost as much that not one of them said anything.
In your position, as much as I'd wish I hadn't seen anything, I don't think I could not say anything. I'd have to at least talk to the 2 you had seen, especially as you spend a lot of time with them and it's not something you'll be able to forget.

I would tell my husband but apart from that I would keep quiet. You don't know who knows what on either side and I wouldn't

And for what it's worth holding hands with a friend does not necessarily indicate an affair (although of course it might). IMO it can also indicate a platonic closeness. I have some male friends whose hands I have held on trips/concerts etc that my DH did not attend. If someone told DH about it I think he'd be pretty bemused at the implication that I was screwing them.

don'tcallme You ask them if they have ended it or if they have told their partners. They might lie to you at that point but you just take what they say at face value and go on from there.

Tell your DH, but stay well out of it. I had a similar situation and I stupidly confronted the people having an affair, who then dragged me into the whole sordid mess and when the wife found out that I knew, she made me feel like complete shit. It's always the messenger that gets shot.

Definitely tell your DH. If he already knows and is shielding you from it he may be relieved that you now know. If he doesn't know, it's only right that you share the burden together as you are both close friends with all the group. Together you'll be best placed to know what to do next.

If my friend told me my DH was having an affair I'd be devastated and grateful that she told me. If I found out later that she knew and hadn't said that would end the friendship for me, rightly or wrongly.

I'd want to know, so I would tell. I wouldn't even think about keeping their secret against being honest and open with my own dh. Why introduce secrets to your marriage for the sake of two cheaters? No thanks.