Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

The problem is is could you honestly trust her again after this?

I personally would always be suspicious. I find it very bizarre that she is honestly choosing a friendship over her life with her children and husband and being in the family home. I think this really does speak volumes.

One day at a time . I've been in the same position as you and yes it's horrific be a use you too hv lost the person you love but will also have to hold your children's emotions. This will take you beung a v strong man indeed . However you can and will do be a use you hv no choice and more than anything your children will love you forever for it , I doubt she will get the same . Advice right now- do nothing, make no decisions it's hour by hour right now . Deep breaths and talk to those who support you, those who don't you don't want . Also those who hv been critical here I hope you are never ever in this position as I wouldn't wish this hideous pain on you . Big hug

Another aspect is the fact she's pursued a relationship with someone so young at work, who is an apprentice (to her I presume). That is grossly inappropriate and has all sorts of power issues at play. When you mentioned someone will need to leave her place of work, I guess it won't be him.

I guess it won't be her I meant

Have been following this thread, it seems very similar to my situation. DH has admitted cheating on me with a much younger woman at work. We are currently separated but spending quite a bit of time together and also considering whether to keep working on our relationship or give up and move on. I think the reason your DW and my DH haven't respected their spouse and marriage is because they have lost respect and love for themselves. I have no idea how all this will end up, but for now I'm just taking each day as it comes and keeping things amicable for our kids. It might not feel like it now, but I think you are probably stronger emotionally than she is right now. I wish you all the best, but don't pressure yourself to make any decisions yet, just keep talking and stay strong

Sorry you're going through this. Could you go and see the 20 year old and warn him off? I know that won't stop her thinking about him but if it stops anything else happening that's something until perhaps she comes to her senses.

She doesn't know what she has. And won't until it's gone. Wishing you all the best.

I think all your demands and expectations are fair. It's usually at this point cheaters realise what a terrible mistake they have made and will do anything to make amends. I can't believe your wife doesn't realise how unreasonable she's been, especially when the OM himself says there is no future for them! Very disrespectful, no wonder you are so so upset. Hope all your kids are better now.

Have read nearly every post on this thread this evening. Firstly, Glen, I would agree with others that your wife doesn't sounds like she wants to try anymore. She is massively unreasonable, especially regarding contact with OM. I would worry that she plans to string you along, as she isn't actually willing to make any sacrifices. She wants to have the lovely home with the perfect family, with her bit on the side stroking her ego. You deserve better than that. I am not one to say LTB, but for her to do what she has done, I cannot see any justification. I am sat here thinking what her side of the story might be, and thinking that unless you have at some point been unfaithful and this is some sort of revenge, I can't see it. You need to prioritise yourself and your family. Get the legal stuff sorted, make sure you have your children's interests as your focus, as your wife seems to have lost that.

Secondly, I am rather shocked at the attacks made by some posters. Controlling? Using the kids? You won't get RP? Seriously? I hate it when men get a different response than a woman would. Not once have I seen a woman come on for support and be told "Well you probably won't get RP", "driven to cheat because OP is abusive" . If my DH had done this and I had found out the way the OP did, my initial reaction would be to protect anything else that currently is sacred to me, having one ripped away in a cruel and heartbreaking manner is going to make you fiercely protect whatever you have left. To say the things he did, when he did, doesn't make him a bad person, simply human and hurting. And there is no reason why a man should automatically be told to not expect to be RP, I hate blanket sexsism. He has behaved in a very reasonable manner so far, although OP, keeping it up when you are ready to accept that it is actually over, is going to be hard. I wish you the very best of luck in doing that. It will take a lot of strength to stay civil for the kids. I know a lot of women that failed to do that, and the kids suffered by going months without seeing their dad.

Words don't cut it in this situation you've been plunged into. I can't say how my heart goes out to you - this really is probably almost the worst thing that can ever happen - it is a very specific, unusually cruel pain that is like nothing on Earth. But we all feel the same if we have the bad luck to experience it. We all feel the liquid fire of utter agony going through us. We all feel ourselves questioning and hopelessly, sobbingly wondering why and how and can it really be real? Is it really happening? Is this really our body breathing and our thoughts reeling and this person, this other person who has been our haven, our life blood, the person with whom we've created other lives - is this person really the one that has turned away, has found another so allluring that all our pain was worth it?

None of us can believe it. None of us can accept it. None of us can bear the pain.

But somehow we do. You will. The shock and disbelief and pain and loss of days will subside. It will go from a catastrophic onslaught to waves of horror and fear and the most dreadful despair, but waves rather than pure unrelenting downpour. Then the waves will be a bit more spaced out, and a bit less intense. It will gradually die down. It will, at some point, become a worrisome swell, but one you can live with. Then you'll start noticing the sky, the birds, the fresh air - other things around you again.

I can't say how long it will take, but I know that although right now you've suddenly found yourself in this monstrous storm, you will get out of it. You will.

Number one best remedy: the kids. Surround yourself with them. Hug them. Lie next to them. Listen to them. Give each one time. Oh my goodness you have an amazing family right there - five of you. Five. Four of whom will carry you, the fifth, the one who needs it most at the moment.

Telling the kids - well. Some have said she should tell them. Personally I truly can't empathise with a mother who would choose a 20 year old over four kids, one as young as 4. I can't. And I feel somehow that she's not the person to tell them. Because she will be selfish. And if she felt for them in the way she should, then she wouldn't have done this. So, I kind of think you should. I think it would be better coming from you.

Some people think kids should be told straight. I'm not so sure. I always try to minimise the shock factor with anything bad. I try to gently ease the reality into the picture, little by little. Eventually they get it. But they never feel the shock.

Say your wife is away for business. Or something. Don't exactly lie but don't make a big deal out of her not being there (if that's possible - omg what am I saying - what kids wouldn't notice their Mum isn't there? : ( ... but just try what you can.

I haven't made much comment on her as at the moment, her selfishness is just beyond comment. Let the kids help you. And you help them. Just you guys be together. Don't go into too much detail with them. Distract them and yourself. Force yourself to go through the normal motions of daily life and looking after them. You'll make it.

And money etc .will sort itself out in some way. Love those who truly love you - the kids.

: ( I'm so sorry.

You don't tell them their mother is leaving them.
You do what you're supposed to do in this situation and tell your children that you are separating because you aren't a couple any more, you don't place blame on one parent.

I think that you should and probably have look at this in the context of all that your wife has done and only her.....the brass tacks of the matter are

1. She entered into an emotional affair behind your back

1. She booked a hotel room and planned a meeting with this apprentice

1. She was caught me didn't take the chance to realise why she was doing with her marriage

1. Had sex with him when she knew you knew where she was

1. Had sex again with him in the morning when sober

1. Is now refusing to stop contact with him.

1. Has made representations as to what you have done wrong in the marriage.

To me it would appear that she is not at any stage taking stick of what she has done in this relationship in relation to the affair or how you have been left feeling. What she has done and the fact she will not do the minimum of things necessary to try and save the marriage are screaming that she doesn't love you, and as a pp said she has already emotionally checked out of the marriage.

This could be a case if she just doesn't see the issues, Orleans the consequences of her actions and I would be considering letting her see them.

Let her move out and live in a house share, let her have the issue of the bills and having to pay maintenance etc. Sometimes it is easy to be happy if you are living with someone else supporting you and enabling your lifestyle.

Op it's time to concentrate on you and the dc. I think it's maybe time for the old saying "if you truly love something let it go..."

Maybe she doesn't want to move out and he can't make her leave without going through the courts

It's actually amazing how damn right awful some people can be. The things some of you have said are absolutely disgusting. If OP was a woman and was saying that "she" was going to take sole custody of the kids and the cheating husband had to move out etc etc, you'd be all shouting for joy, saying how well she's doing keeping it together & how she's doing the right thing regarding the children, but because it's actually a man going through this he is controlling, she's probably been driven to have this affair and any other nasty thing that has been said has been used to defend the cheater and turn against the husband that's been thrown into a complete shit storm of emotions.

OP, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this!

Though thankfully digestive those 3 or 4 delighful people seemed to have crawled back under their fetid stones.

Digestivemuncher, I am always, ALWAYS of the opinion that cheating is not always black and white and that there are things that go on in relationships that are just as bad as cheating. If one person cheats that doesn't make them the bad guy in my eyes, the other partner could be worse! In particular I feel sorry for men within unhappy relationships as in general if they want to end the relationships then they are going to move out and leave the children so it is a harder decision to make.
When I split with my ex I was able to do so knowing that I would be the primary carer, if I had thought even for a second I might be risking that then I might not have had the courage to end it....so I can see how some men in dead relationships cheat and stay together rather than end it.....so in this case if they've had conversations like this before I can see why she might have stayed even though she didn't want to, because she felt like he might take the children away...and eventually she gave into temptation.

If you want a discussion on the ethics of cheating in general mummwest then feel free to start a thread. But doing it on a thread where someone is hurting like the OP is is crass.

Whatsthecomingoverthehill, I don't agree that he thinks he should have automatic right to the children, PC or not. Also I don't agree with what he said about "how do I tell the children mummy is leaving us?"
You don't get to have a good or bad guy in a situation like that when explaining to the children. They do not need to know the details, just that it is ending. Of course he is hurting, but he needs to be sensible now about what he tells the children so that he doesn't blurt something out which can't be taken back.

I think originally OP said he was going to ask his wife to explain what was going on to the children. I think she should.

What the hell do you tell children in this situation anyway? Whatever you say is a lie in some way, shape or form. It's not a question of "mum and dad don't love each other any more" is it?

Yet you knew you would be primary carer?

I completely agree that he doesn't need to be going into the whys with the kids (though a 12 year old is likely to be pretty curious). But coming on and saying 'it's not black and white' on a thread where the OP has a cheating spouse is a shitty thing to do.

Shatnerswig, that goes against what the experts would say in this situation.

Whatsthecomingoverthehill, yes I knew I would be primary carer, I knew my ex's stance on parenting and he would have always thought that the primary carer should be the mother unless she was unable to do it.
I don't think it's a shitty thing to do because I don't think it is black and white!!

OK, you try it on threads where the OP has a cheating husband and see how it goes down.

It is black and white in the sense that her behaviour is utterly indefensible in terms of her relationship with the OP. She has betrayed him in a monstrous, cruel and unforgivable way - because if she didn't want to be with him any more, then the decent thing is to say that first and later fuck someone else. Not pretty much say 'stay with the kids while I go off and have fun and see if I like fucking this guy' ... just a terrible, beyond terrible thing to do. She never had any right to do that.

So in terms of her emotional responsibilities as his partner, she has fucked up big time and that is black and white.

But in terms of her relationship with the family, as a mother - that's a bit less clear here. I'm not sure why it's a given that she's leaving. But it seems like it is, because she isn't there now and did leave and go and sleep somewhere else.

I agree that the kids should be protected from a blunt truth like 'your mum's left us' - because probably she has only left the OP, and intends still to have a relationship with the kids. But her behaviour has been so unbelievably selfish regarding them as well - my daughter is 8 and I'd think twice about going out all night and rocking up with a hangover the next day - tbh I wouldn't do it - and to leave 4 of them, including a 4 year old, to go and fuck a 20 year old in a hotel ... frankly I would not do it. I know people may say 'you never know' - but she should have fucking manned up and made a decision and split up and then pursued her love life - not just gone off and left them all bewildered and not knowing where they are while she decides whether she likes this young guy.

OMG. I'm afraid she makes me cross. And I don't even know her. How the OP must feel I don't know. It's ok for her to not want to be with him and split up - not great for him but it's something that she does have the right to do - but not to treat him and the kids like this.

But the kids must be all over the place. What a mess. : (

Because the wife was really thinking of her children when she was shagging an apprentice at premier inn whilst the dad was home looking after them 🤔 but I forget the husbands in the wrong because MNetters have decided that him saying he wants Primary care is wrong.----

I have frankly never seen a mumsnet discussion where women have been encouraged to seek "sole custody" of the children to get revenge on their cheating husband. Besides the fact that the courts would not allow it.

And, IMHO, trying to shut down people who are trying to see what the wife's point of view in this might be, is ultimately unhelpful to the OP.

He is already understandably angry and upset. Is fuelling that anger helpful?

Atenco you said: "trying to shut down people who are trying to see what the wife's point of view in this might be, is ultimately unhelpful to the OP."

In response, I would say I have frankly never seen a mumsnet discussion where anyone has suggested trying to see the point of view of a cheating husband.