Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

She's a nasty piece of work.

Stop being a doormat to her! If your dc suffer for this, it's all on her. Not that she sounds like she'd give a shit!

Start a new thread. Don't mention your penis. Watch the responses you get...

Her behaviour is awful

Sorry to be so straight talking. She should have given up any contact with OM when asked. Any marriage between you now would be a new relationship after her betrayal but there is no basis for it as she has shown no remorse nor is she willing to do anything necessary to make you secure.

She should be willing to move heaven and earth to get you back!

I dont think you should have marriage counselling - this is only any good if she is committed to the marriage which she has shown she isnt. Rather get some counselling for yourself.

Get some legal advice. Wikivorce can be useful.

If the school are good on these things let them know there are issues so that they can look out for the kids.

Continue to get support for yourself if you can and let a few trusted friends or relatives know.

Keep posting for support

Sorry, I'm going to be blunt. You are too good for this bitch! She is just cruel! I can't imagine being so hurtful to someone I once loved. I hope you find happiness with someone who deserves you. X

What a vile woman. To inflict such hurt on you after everything else is just plain cruel.

I was in the same position as you three years ago, however I knew straight away that I couldn't be with her after what she did.

I left, got a small flat initially, it was horrible, the worst experience of my life without doubt. I shared your fears about not waking up with my kids everyday, xmas etc...thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life etc..

Your wife sounds sounds on a similar level to mine, the day I found out about her affair my world fell apart, what did she do? Ran off to see lover boy. Your wife is selfish, immature, entitled and just fucking awful to do what she's done to you.

3 years on and i'm in the process of divorcing and that hasn't been easy either, but I'm happier with myself than I've ever been, I love spending time with my kids and my relationship with them has become stronger and happier than ever. I see them around 3 days a week, but I'm pushing for 50/50 and full custody if necessary.

I've met a wonderful new woman who has made me realise that life goes on and the world is still filled with good people, my life isn't perfect but my advice would be to get a solicitor, find out what your options are.

What was your wife like up until the point of discovering her affair? The day I googled 'no empathy' and 'cheating' i got the answers to what had been happening in my 28 year marriage...one word that kept coming up was....

NARCISISST!

I reckon I could get a degree in phycology after the amount I've read on personality disorders. Initially I thought my ex was having a mid life crisis, but after reading about narcissism I realised she had all the classic narcissistic traits, whether its a full blown personality disorder or not I don't know, but i do know I'm 100% better off without her.

Poor thing although tell me more about the iCloud thing as think my partners having an affair with a work colleague

Spot on about narcissist .. I googled Narcissist personality disorder and helped a lot

Dear lord....how on earth..what the heck...Glen I don't even have the words! She sounds beyond awful. I can't imagine the amount of pain you're going through right now but the way you're dealing with it is immensely commendable. Sending you massive hugs. By the sounds of it you do not deserve any of this and I know it wont matter to you right now but I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that would do anything for someone like you. I am so so so sorry you're going through this. You're a million percent better without her in your life, though I'm sure it'll take some time to truly realise this. She will be the one who suffers so much in the end :(

So, it's been nearly a week since my last update and everything and nothing has changed. She is still living at home and we are working together for the kids, but the evenings are tough. I want to be near her, but keep having real problems getting past the last few weeks. I keep thinking abut what she was doing just four weeks ago and it knocks me back to square one.

She has started talking a little about how bad she feels, but still can't bring herself to say the things I want to hear; that it was a mistake, that she wants to try to make it up to me somehow and wants to make things work with me.

I pointed out that so far she has done nothing to make things any better between us - nothing. In her eyes cutting off contact with him (mostly) was a big thing she did, but I pointed out that was the bare minimum she could have done not to make things worse; it doesn't make things better.

I've had a few days of relative clarity and have got myself a little more in the mindset of doing what is right for me rather than for her or the kids. I've clearly told her that I am going to be working to make things better for myself, one way or another, even though I don't now how yet. I've made sure to be clear that, whilst I am not totally against her coming with me to a better place, I'm not waiting for her to join me. I've no idea how long it will take me, but the longer she waits then the further from her I will be.

I've also booked some counselling with Relate. I wanted her to do it, and I know she looked a couple of weeks ago, but I got tired of waiting for her so am driving it myself. She's invited, but it's for my benefit more than her. She has the opportunity to drive things if she wants; by not doing so she is reinforcing my opinion that she either doesn't want to or at best wants to forget things and move on without dealing with any of the underlying issue she (and perhaps we) has/have.

Finding Valentine's Day tough. I know what gift she could give me this year, but I don't think she wants to be my valentine.

She had and has no regard for your feelings whatsoever. Can you really see that changing?

Even if you did manage to work through this affair the fact that she doesn't seem to feel any guilt indicates to me that she wouldn't think twice about doing it again if someone else takes her fancy in the future.

I hope you find that better place, I also hope you find it with someone other than her as she seems toxic.

Hi Glen

Some positive steps being made, that's good.

Like you, I was always the driving force behind trying to rebuild the relationship. Unfortunately it took me a long time to realise that wasn't how it should work.

I hope the counselling will be useful and help you to decide your way forward.

To be blunt, I wouldn't be surprised if she is actually making plans to leave you.

She doesn't want him out of her life, she is refusing to leave her job, won't go to counselling with you and won't admit it was a mistake.

In her mind, it wasn't a mistake. It was exactly what she wanted and what she still wants.

She doesn't want to make it up to you and doesn't want to work on your relationship with you.

Be careful that you don't fall for any more of her lies and prepare for her to tell you she's leaving in about six months time.

it was a very calculated move your DW made, she didn't get carried away she ignored several points she could've turned back, like fairenuff said the fact she can't say it was a mistake means she's not sure what she's doing. Sounds like she's saying 'i don't like these consequences', not 'i don't like these actions'. It's good you've booked counselling, it'll be better if you go on your own to work through how you feel first.

If you're the stubborn type you'll want to exhaust every possibility before calling time in the marriage. But it does need two to really work at it and determination especially from the one who was unfaithful. If you look at all the threads where MNers have successfully come back from infidelity the unfaithful spouse has been proactive, open and truly sorry.

It's good to see you driving your future. I hope you find the counselling useful but if you don't gel don't hesitate to seek out another - Relate is just the most well known. Mine was very pro save the relationship but came off the fence 2nd session and served ExH his ass. It was a beautiful moment.

Good luck OP.

I forgot to post a post-valentines day update.

She was late home on Valentines night. I couldn't get hold of her for an hour or so after work, which I needed to do as I had three different child pickups to do and wanted to see if she could get some food started for them.

She'd turned her phone off so I couldn't ring or track her. She went out for a drink with him after work as he was feeling bad and needed to talk through his feelings.

I wasn't happy.

Still, she has been better since. Still not quite there, but I'm no longer pushing things with her and concentrating on myself a lot more. I think she is beginning to see some consequences of her actions, though few and not any which are affecting her life if she just ignores them.

The only thing I have done is tell her that she can't work with him if she wants to make us work. It's just too hard for me. She's not yet told me what her answer is, whether she'll choose working with him over our marriage and her continued "normal" family life (normal as in "how it's been for years with us"). I've given her a deadline for it all to be sorted out, and will wait and see what happens.

If she chooses working with him I don't know whether I'll be more upset or relieved.

Goodness, I can only imagine what you're going through.

I honestly don't think that she's remorseful or has 100% cut off contact with him. She's met up with him since you've found out, doesn't appear to be that apologetic or initiating counselling (rather going reluctantly) and can't give you an answer re continuing to work with him?!!

I can't help but feel she's still taking you for a ride. 😥 Sorry, OP. Please bring the deadline to this weekend. She either knows or she doesn't and it's not fair to have you waiting (and running around after all of the DC on your own) whilst she's skirting her responsibilities for go for drinks with him after work!!!

Sorry to hear what your going through, you will get past this but it will take time for the hurt to go away. Please try finding out what your financial situation is, go to Citizens Advice, and take it one step at a time.
Please bear in mind that the children need stability, and this needs to come from you atm- be there for them first and foremost. Take care of yourself, and realise that this isn't your fault.

I predict she'll do nothing and see how you respond. Don't back down or she knows she has a green light. Stick to that deadline, and make sure you prepare fully for that eventuality.

Best of luck.

I can't see that your marriage will ever be one you feel safe in after this, even if she stops working with him.

You're allowing her to make a mockery of things, by being lenient and not making a firm stand. People will only treat you how you let them in this life.

There's not one ounce of remorse from her and she continues to put his and her feelings above yours every single time.

That she behaved that way on Valentine's day, is her telling you, that you no longer mean what you once did to her.

The 180 will help you detach and prepare for a life without her.

Glen, re your comment on not kjnowing if you'll be sad or relieved if she chooses him over you - you do know that you, too, have a right to make that decision, don't you? You would be perfectly justified in calling it a day yourself.

I get that you want to try everything, but I think she will string you along, trying to have the best of both worlds. She is still seeing him, both at work and out of it. Who really knows what they are doing in that time.

Just my 2c...

WELL SAID Autumn & xStefx I too spotted the absolute controlling signs of a Narc here.

Very very controlling. Telling her One of them has to leave their job

Disgusting.

Doesn't matter what you've said OP, you will NOT get full custody of these children. End of.

OP isnt controlling. Indeed it seems to the casual observer that he needs to take more control of his life. Although he does seem to be slowly changing there is further to go. His wife is mostly running the show at present. She clearly hasnt stopped contacting her lover and indeed it could well be that the affair is ongoing. If she does choose reconciliation then either she or her lover will need to leave their jobs. That should be a minimum requirement from the OP. From his point of view it should no longer be her choice as to whether the marriage survives - it should be his. Think of it another way. Hes not forcing her to leave her job, but he will divorce if she doesnt. Thats not control. Shes cake eating and its very common.

I won't get into a long debate as some, such as @notasnowflake, seem to have made up their minds already (quite possibly based upon their own history rather than my own situation). Just to clarify; I wasn't forcing her to leave her job. I gave her the choice of trying to make our marriage work whilst not working every day alongside the person she had an affair with, or choosing her job knowing that meant the end of our marriage. For the record, she chose her job, so we are getting divorced.

Also, I'm not looking for sole custody; my kids need both of their parents in their lives (which is a big part of why I tried so hard to start reconciling). They will stay at home, along with me, while she moves out and finds a place of her own to live in. If it's suitable for a family then we will split custody 50/50;I've no idea how she'll manage with her job being as it is, but that's up to her to deal with. It'll kill me, losing half of their time, but it's not about me now. She can't take them away from me entirely, so I'll make the most of all I can have.

If her new home isn't suitable (she doesn't earn enough to run a family house yet, so will need to look into benefits) then we'll need to make interim arrangements.

She's leaving me, not them, after all.

She has made the decision to leave the marriage and to split her family. OP, there will be lots of emotional ups and downs from now on, and at times you will wonder if you did the right thing. You did do the right thing, but be aware that your wife will likely, at some time in the future, plead with you to take her back, because statistics tell us that the sort of relationship that presumably she is embarking on is unlikely to succeed. Congratulations on the way you have stuck to your guns. The future for you is bright.