Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

They're not 'trying to see the wife's pov'. They're having a go at the OP for what they have misinterpreted as him trying to restrict his wife's access to the children, and then extrapolating wildly to say it must be this attitude that's driven her to cheat.

Yes Digestive was over the top, and no one is saying the OP should have sole custody or anything like that. But the point remains, if this was a woman whose husband had gone off fucking his 20 year old secretary, there would not be any question of seeing it from his pov, or there not being any black and white in these situations. It's basic empathy. But apparently that's something that goes out of the window for some when it's a man asking for advice.

Also this is an H who when he found out his governor job took up too much time immediately resigned and said his family was more important.

So sorry you are going through this OP. Ignore the numpties on here. Take what you need and ignore the rest.

Take care of your health. Try to eat and drink something. Glad you have some support and reach out for more if you need it. Concentrate on looking after your kids and yourself. Take some time over your decisions. Its good you have been assertive but thoughtful.

I've been in a similar position 7 years ago except other party wasnt so young. It is ultimately painful. But you will survive. And it will get better day by day.

Ill message you a couple of things that really helped me later this evening

God damn it.

Every time I think I've got a handle on things, I get kicked in the balls.

Over the weekend our kids were away at camp. Well, they were all meant to be, anyway. They'd spent most of the weeks off school ill with an awful tummy bug, so I'd been spending time mopping up various bodily fluids from all of them. In the end three made it to camp and the fourth went to Nanny's house, though my eldest was later sent there too when they fell ill again.

Anyway, that left me and my wife to talk for the weekend. It started well enough; on Friday night she told me that she wanted to stay and try to make it work. She agreed to cut all contact with him, other than for work. She still refused to leave her job though, so would be working sitting next to him all day.

When I told her on Saturday that meant actually blocking him on Facebook and not talking to him at all about his feelings and how he was dealing with things, she started finding it tougher. They'd lied to someone at work, the person who's house she had pretended to be around on the night it happened, who had just found out and who wasn't happy. My wife wanted to call him and discuss it. I said no; he should be talking with his other friends. He was not her problem.

On Sunday she blocked him (finally), though it was a bad start to the day when pretty much the first thing she said to me that morning was how much she was missing speaking with him, which she had gotten into the habit of doing while I wasn't awake in the morning. Not sure at all what she hoped to get from telling me that.

We worked closely as a team when we had to take my youngest to the hospital A&E that afternoon as he was suffering terribly from dehydration; five days of non-stop pooing and vomiting does that to a three year old I suppose.

Then, today (Monday) was the first day I was left to my own devices as I went into the office for the first time in over a week. On the drive home a few things subconsciously weren't adding up about the timelines and the jump from kissing to sleeping together. So, once the kids were in bed I asked her. And I used the phrase "please be honest".

Boy, was that a mistake.

Whilst she is sticking to the story that they didn't sleep together before the end of January, it progressed a lot further before then. Everything short of sex happened from mid-December onwards. She even did something to him on the sofa around our house while I was in the US on a work trip and while our children were asleep upstairs.

She also commented on his prowess positively, even in relation to me. She didn't do so as a brag, but said she wanted to be honest. When you're told that a hitherto virgin (yep, she took that cherry from him) is apparently able to match you sexually on his first or second go, well, that's a punch to the goolies that no man can ever be prepared for. I never thought I was that shallow or obsessed with sex, but boy, I wasn't expecting the feelings of rejection, inadequacy and dejection after that gem. My confidence is now shot in that regard, and I've no idea how I'll get over it if ever I get the chance to be with a woman again.

And she still wants him. She still wants to talk with him. She still feels no shame saying that to me, nor does she apologise for anything other than making me feel bad. She insists she's trying and that her being at home rather than with him is proof, but she can't just switch off her feelings.

Right now I'm raging. I wanted to know things so I could forgive them, and so that I no longer felt like there were things she was hiding. That suspicion had been there, as if only by me asking would she stop lying; I hate being right about it.

I wanted to make it work, as much for the children as for me. I've tried so hard to keep them in the forefront of my thinking, but at this second I just can't see any way forward which works. If we stay together I have to put up with knowing I am second best for her emotionally, romantically, sexually and desirably. I don't know if I can live with that.

We can't separate and spend a little time apart but still married as either I have to move out and leave my children, which I've promised them from birth I would never do and she says she doesn't want me to have to do, or she moves out. She won't leave her job and move back with her parents in London while we sort things out, so she would need to stay locally with friends. I couldn't trust her not to then start spending time with him. I don't believe she could trust herself, either.

And I don't want to divorce. That way I would lose my children for up to half their time. She would be free to move on with her life, seeing them regularly whilst still no doubt seeing him (at least until they split up after six months when she realises how immature he actually is - he plays Pokemon for god sake) while I would not. Life would eventually go on, but it would do so without me seeing my children as much as a simply need to.

Just when you thought it had all bottomed out and was going to get better somehow.

Thanks again for all of the messages of support, advice and links to other places; I appreciate them more than any of you can imagine.

You must be so hurt. I'm so sorry for you and wish you all the best.

Personally I would have an issue with her staying at that job though.

Thanks @Chinnygirl - and yes, I've a HUGE issue with her staying in her job while he is still there. I've asked her to leave it but she refuses - it's the one thing that she has grown through and she is really good at it.

I want her to do well professionally - the inspiration it will provide for my daughters is important - but I am struggling to reconcile that with the fact that the two of them are there together. There appears to be nothing I can say or do that will split the two of them up.

I think you need to let go of your old determination never to divorce, or never to share custody of the children. Nobody goes into a marriage planning to split, but it happens and families adjust because they have to. Yes, you won't see your children 100% of the time and I can understand how that will hurt, but many parents who work long hours, or away from home, still make a lot of memories and share good times with their children. It's doable.
There doesn't seem much hope that you and your wife will reconcile, so you really need to get your head around a separation and possibly 50% of time with your children eventually.
Can you try to block out any thoughts about the OM and what they might/might not do in the future? That's their story, not yours. You have to put yourself first. What would you like in your life in the future? The infidelity can't be undone. The continued emotional betrayal can't be undone. The only thing you can control now is how much you let it affect you.

Sorry Op, your marriage is dead. It's a terribly hard realisation but at some point you are going to have realise that or you will go mad.

It's often said on here that the cheater should be willing to do practically anything in order to demonstrate contrition. Your DW doesn't seem to be of that mindset at all. She should be demonstrating to you that she made a mistake and wants your marriage to work at all costs. By saying she still wants him is hardly contrition.

And as for the whole sexual comparison and admitting a sex act on the sofa. How are you ever going to have a physical relationship ever again.

I've just read my post back, sorry it's depressing but your marriage is dead, you are just standing over the carcass in shock.

I am so sorry Glen, but you deserve far better than this. Her heart isn't in reconciliation, and to be perfectly honest, after all she's done to you you were extremely generous to even bother. Please don't let her treat you as a doormat. You deserve someone who loves you and doesn't do this to you.

Best of luck Glen

Glen, I know this is flipping hard. But its only you making any effort. She cannot have her cake and eat it.

You have to start thinking of yourself now. God damn it, your wife seems to be only thinking of herself right now.

We can't separate and spend a little time apart but still married as either I have to move out and leave my children, which I've promised them from birth I would never do and she says she doesn't want me to have to do, or she moves out. She won't leave her job and move back with her parents in London while we sort things out

Seems that she isn't all that willing to do anything to change the situation. We all make a promise to do the best by our children Glen. But I can tell you from personal experience, that just staying together for the sake of the children, does not help them in the long run. I did it. For 6 years. You are most welcome to PM me, I will tell you what it did to my children. They pick up on the stress, which you don't even realize as you get so absorbed in your own situation. Yes its a big change to your life. But please don't stay and be the door mat like I did. For your sake, as well as your childrens.

Actually I think there is something v. positive here - she is telling you things, she is talking, she is confessing, and she is at home and saying she wants to tell you and get through it. She also has a long way to go as she has been / still is to some degree sexually infatuated with this guy.

If the person who's cheated is willing to make an effort, then you should go to counselling I think, straight away, and make the most of it - at least get professional help and see if there's anything to be done. It would also help you with your no doubt awful feelings, because people have been through this all before, and you might not feel so alone, and they could give you strategies.

I'm not saying it would work, but clearly you both have a lot in your life together that you both value and don't want to lose - that's why she's back and trying. You don't know how big that blocking him on FB is. I know that from your perspective it's outrageous he was on there and it was a way they were closer, but she is actually trying to close it off.

The job is an issue - of course at some point she's going to have to never see him - but one thing at a time. I think she's trying. I think that it is better to know what's happened if she will tell you. Her telling you is a HUGE step. Believe me. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but it shows how much she loves you.

As for the comments about him in bed, etc. - that is hard, and I sort of feel she shouldn't have shared that, because it's hard for you to forget. You need to tell her back how you feel and ask why she likes you. You need to understand why she would turn her back on that with him and stay with you - it makes sense that despite his appeal, there must be something that she prefers with you. Ask her. And remember - you made her kids. There is only one dick that made those kids (sorry for early morning bluntness!!!) - that is something that nobody can ever top. That is something that will be there somewhere in her feelings.

Everyone is saying get rid of her - I don't totally agree. I think you need time to explore options and decide what to do. Something like this can't be decided in a week. It will take months to settle down, if not years, and the main thing is that you DO have options.

Sadly Glen, the option that you want - for her to commit fully to you and forget about him - is not on the table at the moment. You may not want to divorce but believe me, it's far better than living like this, feeling second best to someone your wife wants more. That will be utterly soul destroying, even if she does stay out of fear/habit/pity whatever, you won't feel like she's fully yours again.

Do you think anyone actually gets married wanting a divorce? Of course they don't but shit happens unfortunately. You have to adapt to new circumstances in life and be prepared to make changes rather than cling to something that's dead in the water.

She's just the gift that keeps on giving isn't she? And what a bonus to find out she brought the kid back to hers whilst the kids were upstairs. How'd she have explained that one if one had got up and come downstairs in the middle of what she was up to?

Sorry Glen, I think you've got to cut your losses here - she's not trying at all, and her "honesty" is just her getting things off her chest. She didn't need to go into the comparison thing - that's just a slap in your face. I wouldn't even take it for granted that she hasn't held some things back from you.

As pp have said, nobody marries with the expectation of divorcing, but it's what happens in a tragically high % of relationships. Your self esteem is never going to recover whilst she's in your life, particularly whilst she's all but telling you she'll be carrying on with this barely-adult kid. And she will carry on sleeping with him, whether living with you or whilst sofa surfing somewhere, I don't see that that's in doubt from what she's telling you.

Kick her out, get the divorce started and try and make life as normal as possible for your DC.

I also think, fwiw, that her perfect job won't survive what she's done. If a colleague / friend has found out and "wasn't happy" and this kid is in a reporting line to her, then I'm pretty sure there'll be consequences coming for your hopefully stbx.

Glen as I said in my previous post I was in a very similar position as you, exw sleeping with a work colleague , things 'happened' at our house and work , she wanted to unburden everything on to me with every sexual detail including his performance and physic. She admitted it would have never ended if he hadn't dumped her. After lots of talking with friends I decided the following

1. I couldn't see me being intimate with her again.
2. I would never ever trust her again ( I couldn't live like that)
3. As soon as an argument started it would always come back to her affair.

Based on that I ended the marriage, nearly 4 years later I am so happy with 50/50 access to the children she remarried someone else and I am doing everything I wanted to do . Your life will move on not just hers , take time take advise and make the right decisions for YOU ...all the best x

Great post by Bob

Glen you are still in shock at the moment and I can appreciate your feelings of not wanting to get divorced or change how much you see your children, it's overwhelming. However you do need to see it as a valid option and not be held back by the fear of it.

I was given the advice by very wise members - you can't make a decision on whether to stay in the relationship unless you have seriously considered leaving.

Now your update proves even further that your wife has neither respect nor feeling is for you. She's perfectly happy to talk about what they did together (at your own house with children in adjacent rooms non the less!), how much she's missing him and how she can't stop talking to him... No remorse or consideration of your feelings whatsoever! I would be so infuriated if my partner did this to me, I wouldn't want to see his face again. I understand it is extremely hard due to the children and that you want to be the best father for them, bring there to support and raise them. BUT it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You CAN have a 50-50 custody or attempt to be the main carer. Speak to a solicitor so you know your options and chances. She is treating you like a doormat and getting away with it - as someone said, having her cake and eating it. I don't know you obviously but you sound like a lovely guy, so very thoughtful, caring and trying to do the right thing... it just makes mad that a selfish b*tch (pardon the French) like your life would be walking all over you and doing whatever she feels like to serve her own needs and agendas, whilst not having a care in the world knowing that you won't leave.

*apologies for the several misspellings, it's the phone's fault

It's a very sad situation but she is taking the royal piss out of you.

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Hi Glen. Can I say that I admire the dignity you have managed to show throughout this thread?

One point struck me, and I'll be blunt, because I can't think of how else to say this, but it looks to me like your wife is getting a lot out of unburdening her concience, in the way of telling you and not feeling like she's bottling it up and feeling guilty about it, but it seems to me that she is not doing it for both your benefit ie in the interests of honesty and full disclosure, but more to lose the guilt. Telling you how he is in bed seems downright cruel to me. In telling you things like that, she seems self absorbed and frankly heartless. Can she really not appreciate how hurtful that would be to hear?

From what you've said it sounds like she isn't really willing to commit to you exclusively, but doesn't want to take that big step into the unknown. Which is understandable, but not hepful to you, as you're left in this awful limbo. I think your marriage is over, sorry.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Are you even sure your W would want 50:50? I think whilst she's still dreaming of lover-boy (boy being the operative word) that you extract legally the best deal you can. Speed works for you. I know I wish I had acted when ExH was full of guilt and dreaming of elsewhere.

When in your shoes I abhorred the idea of not being with my dcs all the time. And I did everything I could to make the marriage work - partly because I'm the stubborn & loyal type - & I wanted to be able to say I'd tried my total upmost and because I wanted to keep everything 'whole' for the dcs - just a shame he - like your W - wasn't so invested!

But actually I enjoy the 'me-time' I get when the dcs are not with me (which isn't 50:50 btw - children can be quite clear about what they want). You will need time - hard to imagine I know right now - to date & meet someone else. Or just time for you that you will need with friends, family, hobbies.

Trust and respect are at the heart of a marriage. And idt you can trust or respect her whatever your other feelings towards her are. And in affair-mode they are incredibly selfish and even cruel. It's almost as if they want to hurt you - although what precisely for isn't very clear. But that's their failing not yours.

Re your W 'oversharing' - my ExH enjoyed 'oversharing' too. I've pondered this and imo it's because they're releasing guilt for their own selfish needs. And they fool themselves, credit themselves even for being 'honest', so anything they do now is alright because it's 'honest', it's not sneaking around. It's also keeping at some level the 'thrill' going because they're talking about the affair and they complacently think they've still got the safety net of home/the backup relationship.

Once it becomes just them - dealing with being on their own & their own dirty laundry, literal & figurative - do they often get a sense of all they have lost.

You have been very kind and dignified. Your W is an idiot.

sadly i can't see this is recoverable at this point either, like the other posters. If she still loved you and had made a terrible mistake she'd be acting differently and would have kept her comparisons to herself.

Glen, like Bob I've been there too. He gives excellent advice as do others on this page. I know the anguish you're feeling and only time will ease that pain. 12 years later I can still remember it but it's behind me now and I'm happily remarried to a sweet and loving woman.

There is a future for you, a good one if you let it. But this relationship is over now. Move on and get it over with so you can limit the hurt to your dc. They will cope with divorce, but the uncertainty and tension right now must be awful for them.

Glen,

I'm sorry your wife is being selfish, immature and insensitive to say the least. I could say more, but that won't help you.

You really need to know that you deserve so much better than her and you should not let her comments about his prowess get to you. It just shows how immature and shallow she is. She'll wake up at some point and realise what a fool she's made of herself,by which time you'll have moved on.

Has she ever suffered with a mental disorder? Or is there a history of mental health in her family?

I'm appalled at her total lack of regard for you as a man and as her husband.

How much of a role model is she really for your daughters? Bedding a 20 year old apprentice while she's married.

For your own sanity, stop hoping, emotionally detach from her and focus on you and your children.

The lack of remorse really beggars belief.

Google the book is 'no more Mr. Nice guy'.

Grieve the end of your marriage and work on co-parenting

Glen, this is on her, not you.

Mate your marriage is as dead as a dodo and your wife is an utter knob, I've just read your last update with my jaw on the floor. She has no respect for you, she's very immature and she seems to have no filter

You are allowed to get divorced y'know? I think if you don't chuck her out you are setting yourself up for years of absolute pain.

If the person who's cheated is willing to make an effort, then you should go to counselling I think, straight away, and make the most of it

Sorry but the person who has cheated doesn't get to wipe the slate clean by 'making an effort'