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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my wife has cheated on me.

290 replies

Glenoxo · 28/01/2017 02:27

Hi all. I'm sorry for any breaches of etiquette, what with me being a man and all, but I've no idea where to go and no-one to turn to, so thought the anonymous masses might be able to offer me some advice.

It's 2.17am and I've just caught my wife cheating on me.

We have four children together (12, 10, 6 and 4), and have been together for 18 years since she was 17 and I was 18. Until two weeks ago I didn't know anything was wrong. Then it all changed.

When out for a date night with her she told me that she wasn't happy, that our marriage was failing and she thought we were on different paths. Over the next week we talked and talked and I discovered that she felt a bit neglected. I'm a school governor at two of our children's schools and had just become a parish councillor, and she felt that spending an evening or two a week out at meetings was too much. So the next day I resigned. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our marriage.

Then I discovered that she has been talking increasingly wth a 20 year old guy at her work. She insisted that nothing had happened, but after lots of talk last night she realised that she had been effectively in an emotional affair with him. She had previously arranged to go out for a work party and stay at a friend's house overnight, before having a day of rest away from the children on Saturday. I asked her to think about everything we had and could have, and decide between him and us.

I admit it - I was suspicious, so when I noticed that one of her work party had posted that the evening had finished I did something I've never done in my life - I checked where her phone was. Using icloud I saw her phone was in a Premier Inn. It stayed there for an hour. I called and she claimed she was around her friend's house, several miles away. When I then asked why her phone was in a hotel she hung up.

She later messaged me to admit it. She says it's the first time it's happened, and that she needed to see if there was anything more to their relationship than an emotional connection.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken. I cannot breathe. I don't know how I am going to tell my children that their mother is leaving us. I can't picture a future without her in it. I can't get images of her with another man out of my head. I can't imagine how I am going to raise four children as a single father. I don't know where I'm going to get the money or the time.

I've never been so hurt. So alone. My world has collapsed, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover.

I need help. Please.

OP posts:
NotJanine · 01/02/2017 13:24

The mother can usually be fairly confident that the children will stay with her following a separation. I think we have to appreciate how scary that fact must be to a man who has just had his world blown apart by his wife's adultery.

AutumnRose1988 · 01/02/2017 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarmlessChap · 01/02/2017 14:11

The mother can usually be fairly confident that the children will stay with her
Which is which is why many men stay in toxic marriages for fear that the contact with their children will go from daily to every a few days a month and some holiday time.

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 14:15

Harmless but op has stated he told his wife that he was going to be RP no talk of working together or looking at 50/50.

AutumnRose1988 · 01/02/2017 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarmlessChap · 01/02/2017 14:49

She went off to that hotel knowing that she could blow her marriage apart by fucking some toy boy (twice) while knowing that the system is highly biased in favour of the mother.

As it stands he's hands on and the only driver so from a practical point of view I can see why he thinks it would be best for him to be the RP and her move out.

Instead there is a every likelihood that as well as being dumped from the marriage, he'll end up having to leave his home and have his family time decimated, so I feel very sorry for him.

OurBlanche · 01/02/2017 14:52

Harmless but op has stated he told his wife that he was going to be RP no talk of working together or looking at 50/50. Which is no more or less than many women posting here say when they first find out about a cheating husband.

"You bitch! Don't ruin his life by not letting him see the kids" said very, very few posters in response.

Most responses are far more supportive of the wife, few immediately mention how unfair she is being and those that do broach it far more gently... giving her time to digest what has happened and the ralities of what it means for the kids.

We either practice what we preach or accept casual misogyny!

KateNico93 · 01/02/2017 14:52

UnderTheMoonligt he said that at 3.30am after speaking to hiw wife who was in a hotel room fucking a young man from work. I think we would all have said things in the heat of the moment in that situation!

OurBlanche · 01/02/2017 14:56

perhaps it was a blip they can get over Mmm! If OP were my friend I would be very wary of anyone saying this to him!

His outline of events showed a lot of calculation and a fine disregard for his feelings. It would be madness to describe that planning and determination as 'a blip'. If he wants to forgive and forget there is a lot of open discussion going to be needed to put Humpty back together again. I hope OP has that support in his real life - pity he can't get it here (from some).

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 14:57

yes, I don't have any respect for the Op's w who had several chances not to carry out the cheating but has done so repeatedly, I would lash out in those circs too I expect. It's easy for me to say take a step back and think that you don't want your DC to feel rejected by your W and it's not in their interests for you to limit contact with their mum as I'm not emotionally involved. Can't blame him for feeling as though he wants to hurt her.

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 15:12

Doesn't matter what she done you don't use your DC as weapon male of female

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 01/02/2017 15:17

Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to fling accusations of EA around Under.

And maybe you shouldn't jump to assumptions about him using the children to punish her, when the very last thing he has said on this thread is, "I want to find a working arrangement that suits our children, even if it means hurting my feelings."

SnoogyWoo · 01/02/2017 15:22

Can't imagine the OP wanting to come back in here now!

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 16:04

Well done for totally derailing this poor bloke's thread for the last couple of pages by posters either jumping to huge conclusions, projecting, or being severely lacking in empathy. I don't care what some posters say but there are posts on here that would never, ever have been made had the OP been female.

We always say good parents put their children first. This wife has put her sexual desires before his children.

OP, if you are still reading any of this, I hope you can find some friends in real life to give you the support you clearly need.

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 16:04

Their children, not his.

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 16:11

The wife put her sexual desire before her husband not her children they are completely seperate

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 16:16

It is a form of emotional abuse to say because of her choices he will get PR it's using her children as a form of control. As I said this so many times woman can be guilty of doing the same when there dp has left them it often happens and I would say the same to woman.

OurBlanche · 01/02/2017 16:18

Would you give them time to sit down first?

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 16:19

Under I disagree. If the marriage fails because of her cheating, she is responsible for breaking up the family and putting her children through this. Not the OP. She put her sexual desires before her family unit.

Deranger01 · 01/02/2017 16:22

i agree with shatner she wasn't 'just' cheating on her partner, she was making a decision that it was worth risking the breakup of her family to see if she had chemistry with the OM. You can't completely separate out these things.

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 16:26

Her actions are unforgivable yes but she should not be punished for it i regards to her DC.

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 16:31

For fuck's sake, Under, are you seriously suggesting no one in these circumstances might lash out saying things like that in the heat of a moment, having their whole life turned upside down, their heart broken, wondering what the fuck will happen and bloody angry?

Do you think everyone who uses the expression "I could kill them" about someone that has pissed them off, or loses their cool with their kids occasionally actually MEANS it?

ShatnersWig · 01/02/2017 16:32

Actually your last comment is very interesting, Under. She shouldn't be punished. Surely it's the kids who shouldn't be punished, they've done nothing wrong. Unlike their selfish mother.

Underthemoonlight · 01/02/2017 18:37

Look end of the day its the children that matter they are not pawns and a judge isn't interested in who did what but they are interested in the welfare of their children and that they are able to maintain a relationship with both parents.

Emmageddon · 01/02/2017 18:40

I bet the 20yo is bragging to all his apprentice mates about his conquest of the older married woman, the OP's wife will be the talk of the office, and not in a good way. Office romances, especially when one party is married, nearly always end in tears.

Take care of yourself Glen, and do whatever needs to be done - just remember your children will still need their mum in their lives, regardless of her behavior.