Wow.
That escalated quickly.
I've not been on here recently as I've spent the last few days trying to work out what on earth I should do, and what I am going to do. Could be two different things, but I'm not there yet. I've cried. God, how I've cried. I'd never cried outside a funeral in my adult life before now, but I'm making up for it by crying until my nose bleeds.
I've also spent every night talking to my wife about things. After a couple of nights where she stayed at a friend's house, I agreed she could come back and sleep on the sofa so she could still be around for the children and so we could talk. I figured that it's not their fault their mother is infatuated with another man (though more on that below), so I can't punish them.
I will try my best not to get angry with those previous posters who have made such outrageous accusations, though it is difficult not to. You don't know the full story, nor could you be expected to. Hell, I don't even know the full story. You may think you are offering a different point of view but, while I respect your right to have a different opinion, the way you put it across is abhorrent. I appreciate all those who pointed out the obvious - that it was within hours of discovering things that I reached out, and that I never once said I would stop her from seeing them.
But to twist my raw words the way you did and to incite and continue such a hurtful conversation, well, you should take a long, hard look at yourself. I don't believe you would ever offer those words to a person in my position face to face; I'm a believer that's a good indication of what you should say online. I have no doubt you will take the following words as a flame with which to try to troll me some more, but I will say them anyway and try to stay strong: shame on you.
Anyway, it's been a long, long, sleepless week. We have talked. I have been the one pushing the talking. She doesn't want to be forced to make a decision, regardless of what this state of limbo is doing to me. I don't think I should be offering her another chance at our marriage, but I've gone with my heart instead and that is what I've done.
The only caveat I've asked for, which I thought was entirely justified and reasonable, is that she has to have nothing to do with him. She has to block him on facebook, stop texting and calling him, not go out to social events with him and respond at work in only the most professional manner. I want them to not work together, but I have no power to make that happen. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it, but I am willing to try as long as she cuts him out of her friendship circle. I want her to have lots of other friends; just not him.
Actually, there is another caveat - that she has to commit to trying to make things work. I will not be in a relationship where the other person only half cares - I deserve more than that. Our children do too.
It actually turns out that one of the reasons she was unhappy over previous months was that she started seeing the differences between who she was at work and who she was as a mother (not just as a wife). She saw herself as (in her own words) moaning all the time, tired, nagging and argumentative with the children when at work she wasn't. She doesn't see that she will still be their mother and only she can change her attitude towards them. At least, she doesn't see it yet.
She also looked back on the fact we've been together for so long and feels like she missed an opportunity to find herself as a younger woman, to experiment and try things and see different people. I was happy with her; she now feels we perhaps could have been happier meeting later in life.
She has said if we split she expects to move out and find a room in a shared house, which is all she could afford. I have no idea how she would afford to do so and contribute to raising the children financially (which I'm sure in an equal society she would have to do, as would the man if roles were reversed) but that would not really be for me to worry about.
I would therefore be left as the de facto primary care giver, at least until circumstances changed so she could provide a suitable home for four children and herself. Regardless of ideal worlds, therefore, she wouldn't be able to share custody 50/50. I have no idea how we would work things out, but we agree that, were it to come to that, we would settle things outside of the courts.
It's here that I don't think she fully appreciates what she has done. She hasn't just taken my marriage away from me, she has potentially taken half of my children's moments away from me. Half of their birthdays, their first events, their Christmas mornings; I will miss them, all for her decision not to speak with me about her feelings and instead to have an affair with someone else, then her decision not to try and make things work.
She knows it will not work with him - apparently he has said as much - but she still wants to retain his friendship. I have even said that were we to give it a go we would be in a position to reassess in six months or a year. As of last night, she wasn't even wanting to lose six months of friendship with him in return for the chance to make things work with me and as a family.
I'm fairly desperate now. I don't know what more to do. My head knows I can make it work alone as a single parent, but I desperately want to find a way to show her that she can love me again and neither one of us has to lose any time with our children. Despite everything, I can't stop loving her.
So, I'm left at home at the moment (as I have been all week), looking after our sick children (tummy bugs have got them all - got three at home today) while she has gone to work to sit next to him and think about us and our future as little as she has to.
Never thought I'd lose her so she could be friends with someone for six months.
Never thought I'd lose her at all.