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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband just said this ...

175 replies

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:14

You are killing my feelings for you by denying me sex ... does this sound like a man who loves his wife? We have 3 kids and i admit my sex drive is not what it used to be. The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other. So one night this week, he blows up because i was too tired close to midnight. I get his frustration but this comment has made me look at him in a totally different light. I don't think he really loves me as a person. It made me question my whole marriage. Whats your take on it ladies?

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 27/01/2017 19:27

It's a very manipulative thing to say, and not a loving thing to say.

I find whinging and whining a massive turnoff, don't you?

Sometimes men say this to justify an affair they are already considering/pursuing/enjoying. Do you think this is a possibility in this case?

Do not let him bully or coerce you into sex. Do have a look at your libido and whether it's affected by hormones? iron levels? tiredness? or anything else physical that you could do something about.

TheChosen1 · 27/01/2017 19:32

Men do say alot of crap. He will probably regret it and apologise. My one says rubbish as well in the heat of the monent when he's fustrated he can't 'get none.' I suggest brushing it off and thinking about when the best time is to be intimate. I hate late at night when you're bloody exhausted too.

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:34

Thanks yes I think so too. Stopped me in my tracks and frankly puts sex on the bottom of my list. Im not desperate enough to go running for someones love and affection if its not deep and real already. I was very hurt but feel that this may be how he thinks. Disappointed.

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 27/01/2017 19:35

Is he killing your desire for him by being childish and manipulative?

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:36

I dont think its something im going to forget in a long time. Just felt totally selfish and self centred.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:46

Yes he did say he would go elsewhere if he couldnt get it from me. I dont think he has yet. I do understand that he has that need though. Just last few years my libido has waned considerably. i dont feel guilty for it im tired and at night after my kids have zapped all my energy i often just want to be alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:49

i dont know why he thinks im 'denying' him this i dont think that deeply about it. i just often feel shattered. in addition he isnt very affectionate yet at that point expects me just to be switched on.

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 27/01/2017 19:50

Needs. Of course.

HelsBels5000 · 27/01/2017 19:51

Off you trot then and go and get your 'needs' met elsewhere you selfish prick.

antimatter · 27/01/2017 19:52

"You are killing my feelings by pestering me to have sex" would he stop and think or not?

MrsHathaway · 27/01/2017 19:57

Hmm. Sounds like he might just be a twat.

However, giving him the benefit of the doubt, and assuming you love him and would rather feel up for it more often ...

Do you find that any attempt at intimacy leads to his thinking it's "hide the sausage" time? Do you have any other private/intimate time just to talk/hug/laugh? Taking the pressure off the need to complete PIV sex by increasing opportunities for physical contact without sex, such as holding hands or rubbing shoulders, can actually increase your libido by helping you relax.

Is he missing actual sex, or what it represents? This is a question I think you should ask him out loud. Does he miss holding you and looking in your eyes, or getting his dick wet? Does he think less sex means less love? Does he think you should be putting his wants and needs ahead of the children's and your own? He's made a simple statement about a very complex situation and you can't deal with it if you can't unpack it.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 27/01/2017 19:58

antimatter just wrote what I was going to say but in a much more polite way. Go with that, your husband is being a manipulative, selfish arse and needs to realise that you are under no obligation to have sex with him. And why the hell would you want to with an attitude like that?

Shayelle · 27/01/2017 20:20

In other words he's fucking someone else and blaming you for that

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 20:39

thanks everyone

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 27/01/2017 20:46

Yes he did say he would go elsewhere if he couldnt get it from me

Apart from this being a prickish thing to say, I really hate the language connotations of 'go elsewhere'. You're not fucking John Lewis. Tell him to go for it.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 20:49

So op, you basically think he needs to lead a sexless life as your libido is down? That's how you feel it should work? He has to be celibate if your libido is low?

So if a man posted this and said he didn't want to have sex with his wife any more, and she felt it was killing their relationship, everyone would say, hell yeah, she's unreasonable? Because a man posted exactly that and everyone said he should let her go if he could not fulfil her needs and be a true partner.

With sex comes intimacy. If both parties don't want it, then that's good, the marriage survives on other things, but if one still has a libido and the other not, it's unreasonable to expect the other to become celibate for you.

So many women say I don't want to have sex, but they also don't want their husband to have sex with anyone else. They wish them to become celibate. How fair is that?

Sammygold · 27/01/2017 20:58

Completely agree, Bluntless. I cannot believe the attitude that he's being unreasonable to dare to expect, or even to desire, sexual intimacy from his wife. I know that if my husband showed no sexual interest in me I'd be feeling frustrated and rejected and yes, of course I'd resent him a little. How about just trying to show some empathy? Or is it that not allowed for men?

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 20:59

what he actually said was that the lack of sex was killing his feelings for me. because hes not having sex with me he doesnt love me. that is how i interpreted it. yet a few days before he was saying the opposite. thats what really stopped me in my tracks. i totally get the need for sex and i felt it was something we were working on. i just didnt want to do it that night. but the whole if you dont do this i cant love you or have any real feelings for you ... was just so off.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 20:59

he didnt actually use those words and say go elsewhere im just summarising i cant remember his exact words

OP posts:

wifework · 27/01/2017 21:02

Because a man petulant about not having sex is so sexy. mmmm.

Of course he's entitled to want to have sex, but how about him finding out what makes you feel like it - 'cos it's not going to be whinging about not having it, is it?

Having said that, if DH told me he'd look elsewhere if I didn't service him, that would be the end for me.

AuntieStella · 27/01/2017 21:04

But how long have you been 'working on it'? Because as you say in the opening post: "we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other"

So not even words, let alone deeds? I think it's time to channel Yoda: 'Do or do not do. There is no try'

Even a saint would run out of patience at some point.

Do you want him? Because it really doesn't sound as if you do. Give and take includes you giving. Not PIV, but certainly making time for each other.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 21:05

Yes, when the man posted the same thing, it was the rejection that stung, the fact his wife didn't want him anymore, yet she didn't want him to go elsewhere. She expected him to take the rejection, end of.

For many people a marriage and sexual intimacy is what defines a romantic and loving relationship, for others it'd companionship. No right or wrong answer. The issue only arises when one party decides it's not longer romantic or sexual and companionship is all that's in offer and the other party objects. Neither party is wrong, and that's the point. Neither is wrong.

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:15

He sounds like a terrible lover and a terrible person.

What the fuck happened to the sexual revolution? When I was young in the 80's, the expression "denying a man sex" was already considered laughably out of date, as sex was beginning to be thought of as something that men were not entitled to, but something that both parties should want and enjoy.

Your husband sounds like he thinks he's entitled to put his cock in you whether you want it or not and whether you enjoy it or not.

WTF has happened to men and women? Am I looking at the past through rose-tinted glasses? Men used to think they had to make a woman want sex before they could have it, not just that they were entitled to use a woman as a wank-sock. It's disgusting.

And also, how much housework and childcare does he do? Is sex just another chore for you?

MrsHathaway · 27/01/2017 21:16

In fairness, when a couple has problems with very mismatched libidos there are only few honest options:

Have as much sex as hornier partner wants - serious issues around the possibility of coercion and doubtful consent.

Have only as much sex as less horny partner wants - frustration issues for hornier partner.

Have less sex than hornier partner would like but more than less horny partner would prefer - same issues as 1 and 2 but less so in each case.

Split up and each find a partner with a more closely matched libido (or stay single).

None of these is great. Ultimately it matters how important sex is to the couple: if it's absolutely the bedrock of their relationship then a developing mismatch could well prove fatal. If it's just one of a hundred things they love about each other then they can probably find a middle ground with a lot less whining, a bit more discreet wanking, and some more non-sex intimate touch.

honourandprevail · 27/01/2017 21:16

Its a two way street. You seem to have been getting closer and spending more time together.... maybe he anticipates going from 0 to 10 overnight ? 3 kids is pretty tiring. If he can help you with stuff when he gets in (assuming he works) you wont be so tuckered out either.
Building the relationship up takes time. Not really helping when hubby throws his rattle out the pram.
Cuddles. Trust and working as a couple/unit cement your bond together. If your happier as a couple.... everything else can be resolved. All in good time.
Good luck x

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