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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just said this ...

175 replies

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:14

You are killing my feelings for you by denying me sex ... does this sound like a man who loves his wife? We have 3 kids and i admit my sex drive is not what it used to be. The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other. So one night this week, he blows up because i was too tired close to midnight. I get his frustration but this comment has made me look at him in a totally different light. I don't think he really loves me as a person. It made me question my whole marriage. Whats your take on it ladies?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:18

I don't think this is about sexual incompatibility though Mrs H.

It's about his attitude. You can be sexually incompatible and unhappy about sex, without threatening to be unfaithful and without threatening to stop loving someone. That's really nauseating.

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 21:19

Ask, you're missing the point totally. Gender is irrelevant, it's about sexually desiring or not and rejecting your partner, no matter whether you are the male or the female in the relationship,

Plenty of women have also posted on here about their husbands no longer wishing to have a sexual relationship with them and no one commented as you just did. The responses tend to be if he doesn't want you , there is nothing physically wrong, then leave him.

allthatnonsense · 27/01/2017 21:19

I would respond with "when you act like a manipulative sex pest it makes me questions who you really are".

trinketsofgold · 27/01/2017 21:20

Why is a husband wanting to have sex with his wife a sex pest Confused

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:22

Really Bluntness?

Have those women explained that they have threatened to stop loving their husbands for "denying them sex"?

Do people now think that sex is some kind of glorified masturbation where one partner regularly has to just put up with being used as a dildo/ wank sock in case the other person stops loving them?

My goodness, hasn't Mumsnet changed since penis beaker. Hmm

trinketsofgold · 27/01/2017 21:25

I think repeated rejection can change the way you feel for someone. You are very naive not to think so

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 21:29

Ah jeez, I hate it when people turn it into something nasty. It's completely normal for people in a committed romantic relationship to want to have sex and to have their feelings damaged if they are continually rejected by their partner irrelevant of gender.

It's not about being a sex pest or masturbation ffs, it's about a physical intimacy and when one party continually rejects the other it can be damaging.

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:29

Fuxache. Of course he's going to get repeated rejection. He isn't very affectionate and yet expects to stick his cock in the body of the person he's being not very affectionate to.

If people want to have sex with the people they live with, then they need to make the conditions for that to be possible and happy.

That means: treating that other person with respect and affection most of the time, being their friend, being their companion, sharing the domestic work, childcare and emotional work. Being part of their team, pulling together.

Not thinking of sex as some kind of entitlement that their partner can either give them or unfairly deny them. Sex is something that is supposed to be something all participants enjoy. Good lovers know that.

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:32

" it's about a physical intimacy "

Did you not see the post where the OP says that he doesn't show her any affection, ie physical intimacy, but still expects her to be up for it?

Sex isn't physical intimacy if you're only going through the motions because someone's nagged you to "let" them.

People must be having really appalling sex lives if they think this is OK.

Original poster
Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 21:32

yes i have to agree the choice of words ... denying me sex ... sounds old fashioned and there is a reason why it was the first line of the question. because i found it a very manipulative thing to say. i cant love you if you dont have sex with me. that is not real love. and its not like im not having sex with just not as often as he wants. but that is not what im asking. i was making reference to his choice of words which i believe harks back to how he really feels. that perhaps he could be with anyone since once he starts having sex with them the feelings flow, once it switches off or reduces then so does the feelings ... surely that is not real love that a partner has for his so. regardless of your opinions on sex within marriage.

OP posts:
Hateloggingin · 27/01/2017 21:32

Askbasil, give it up, there's no arguing with stupid. The poor man has needs Hmm

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 21:33

Holy shit, when you reduce sex between a married couple to "sticking his cock in the body of" you lose all credibility. If you think this is all sex between a married couple is then I feel sorry for you.

Original poster
Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 21:37

@bluntness you sound like you have had some personal experience of being 'rejected' ?

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 27/01/2017 21:41

Ohthatagaine, are you on drugs? Bluntness sounds sane, for a start...

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:42

Bluntness it isn't me who has reduced sex between a married couple to "sticking his cock in the body of", it's the OP's DH.

You are ignoring what she posted about not showing her affection but then expecting her to be up for it as soon as his unaffectionate cock stands to attention.

allthatnonsense · 27/01/2017 21:42

Pestering someone for sex and being stroppy when you don't get your own way is being a sex pest.

Original poster
Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 21:43

have to say ... when youre tired and just wanna sleep and your so wants some action then it does feel a bit like what askbasil said. because youre not in the same zone as him at that point in time ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 21:45

sofato5miles ? come again? drugs? at what point ... and why dont you answer the question or not at all rather than make an attempt to insult the OP ... why use insulting language its not necessary

OP posts:
AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:45

Ohthatagain, when you have sex with him, do you enjoy it? Is he a considerate and skillful lover? Do you have orgasms? Does he show you affection and love when you have sex?

How come you are so tired and he isn't? You both have young children, you should both have the same amount of leisure time, is the workload spread evenly in your home? Do you have time together as a couple doing other stuff than housework, childcare or sex?

Bluntness100 · 27/01/2017 21:49

@bluntness you sound like you have had some personal experience of being 'rejected' ?

SpartacusWoman · 27/01/2017 21:49

Wanting to have sex with his wife doesn't make him a sex pest, using emotional blackmail to coerce her into consenting does.

Fwiw, I've had spells where I've not been in the mood, I know it was frustrating for dh, but theres no way he'd expect me to have sex with him when I've turned him down. He doesn't sulk, he doesn't get angry and doesn't threaten to leave if I dont have sex with him.

He wants me to want to be having sex, he wants me to enjoy it. He's happy to have no sex rather than sex that I'm only consenting to because he'd said he stop loving me otherwise. He puts my comfort and enjoyment above his dick.

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 21:53

"if I wanted to have sex with my husband and he kept saying no, I would be hurt and it would damage our relationship"

So would you tell him you'd stop loving him, or would you try to find out why he didn't want sex with you in the first place and work on that?

"In neither scenario would I reduce those desires to him wanting to stick his cock in my body or me wanting a cock in mine. I personally believe sex in a marriage is more than the physical act." But the OP's husband doesn't. He doesn't see it as connected to the way he behaves towards her, speaks to her and treats her, outside of the physical act.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/01/2017 21:57

What Shayelle said. Been there, done that, got the open wounds to prove it. OP, he's told you what he means....

Original poster
Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 21:57

yes its is enjoyable without a doubt. im still breast feeding so dont always sleep through plus often dont manage my sleep properly. my so has a very heavy workload and carries a lot of stress and him getting angry the other night i totally understood it. i just didnt like what he said because the words ran deep and i thought we were in a different place. that aside altho he is not overly affectionate i cannot say hes not loving, he is. i just feel he does go from 0 to 100 whereas im still warming up so to speak after a hard day. i know the 'fault' lies on my side because i understand the position of sex within a marriage. i just dont expect to be berated on it like that in the middle of the night especially at a time when we were making more of an effort with each other to take care of each other. as it is because of that blow up i dont even want to be around him so he has in effect created something much bigger when it really didnt need to be so.

OP posts:
SpringerS · 27/01/2017 22:00

What he said is entirely scientifically accurate. During sex you both release the bonding hormone, oxytocin which is an essential building block for love. Without sex and other forms of regular physical intimacy your love will fade away. If he wants sex and you don't then he's not wrong in his assessment of what's happening. Tbh, my feeling is that your reaction may be you looking for an excuse to end the marriage because your husband is simply being honest about how he is feeling and you are either over-reacting massively or grabbing the out you've been waiting for,

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