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Original poster

Husband just said this ...

175 replies

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:14

You are killing my feelings for you by denying me sex ... does this sound like a man who loves his wife? We have 3 kids and i admit my sex drive is not what it used to be. The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other. So one night this week, he blows up because i was too tired close to midnight. I get his frustration but this comment has made me look at him in a totally different light. I don't think he really loves me as a person. It made me question my whole marriage. Whats your take on it ladies?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 28/01/2017 10:14

"I just don't think a person is an evil incarnate sex pest for wanting a sex life with their life partner, and trying to discuss it if they're being constantly rejected. "

He's not trying to discuss it. He's threatening and coercing.

He's not being constantly rejected. " recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other." It's something they're working on.

This idea that men are entitled to sex, is so deeply ingrained.

And FFS at the suggestion that the OP should stop breastfeeding so that her body can be a bit more available for her DH.

Can't believe this is 2016. Women were more liberated in 1985

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 10:16

Which is why I made the point that it's not the OP. But it's a common attitude that pops up when this topic comes up. Sex isn't important, sex is crap, sex doesn't affect emotions etc. Well if that's true....why is infidelity so hurtful?

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 10:17

Sheba I'm with you. Sex is really important to me being rejected would impact on my feelings.

Women want men to communicate then complain when they don't like what they say. Sex is important to the OPs husband would it be better if he lied? If 'took care' of the problem but kept it secret?

He expressed himself really badly but his feelings are valid even if you don't like them. You "disagree that love fades" well it's not up to you to tell him what he should feel.

TheStoic · 28/01/2017 10:19

This idea that men are entitled to sex, is so deeply ingrained.

It is mainly women posting on this thread, and they too are saying that constant rejection would affect their feelings for their partner.

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 10:25

I'm a woman. I like sex. I am not entitled to sex but if my partner constantly rejected my sexual advances it would have a big impact on my feelings for him.

If expressed these feelings as an ultimatum that would be unreasonable but my feelings would remain valid.

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 10:28

"It is mainly women posting on this thread, and they too are saying that constant rejection would affect their feelings for their partner."

Yes, and they are ignoring the fact that he's not experiencing "constant rejection" because women bend over backwards to give men the benefit of the doubt. They are ignoring the fact that this isn't just about his desire for sex, it's about his attitude to sex and to his wife.

I don't for one minute believe that sex is not important in a relationship. Of course it is. It's incredibly important. But when it goes wrong, it's not always about sex, it's often a symptom rather than a cause. It's usually about people's feelings for one another, the respect and affection and love they're showing each other outside of the bedroom.

I don't believe that most women would approach their desire for sex, by threatening to leave their husbands, without first exploring all the ways they could solve the problem.

And yet, that is what this man has done. And women are bending over backwards to pretend it's something else.

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 10:30

"I'm a woman. I like sex. I am not entitled to sex but if my partner constantly rejected my sexual advances it would have a big impact on my feelings for him. "

That's valid, but it's irrelevant to the OP's issue. She's not constantly rejecting his sexual advances.

Also, would you nag him and whinge, or would you roll your sleeves up and work with him to find out the cause of his low libido so that you as a couple could tackle it together, lovingly, or would you just tell him to stand to attention or you'd go elsewhere?

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 10:35

AskBasil so the issue is his attitude not the sex, I agree. I also agree his attitude is appalling.

However the OP has made it about the sex and has dismissed his feelings about their diminishing sex life. PP are making it about sex by referring to him as a 'sex pest'. His desire for sex is reasonable his way of expressing this is not.

Many female posters are making it about sex and not the threat.

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 10:36

Yes, I feel there's a difference between, as OP's DH suggests, "I am entitled to sex so if you don't provide it I will get it elsewhere" and on the other hand "Sex is an expression of romantic love so when we aren't having sex I feel unloved," which is what the women posting here seem to saying.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 10:37

Also: if a mismatch of libidos is a problem, then the way to handle it is not a threat in bed at midnight that you will stop loving someone.

By all means, end a marriage for that reason if you like. You can end a relationship for any reason or none.

But don't make threats in the middle of the night just after you've asked your partner for sex. Because that makes you an arsehole.

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 10:40

"i am not negating the need for sex but one shouldnt feel the need to have sex because their partner wont 'love them' anymore. that to me is ridiculous"

Seems to me she is calling his feelings ridiculous. If my partner reduced my sex life and rejected me it would make me feel crap and after a while it would make me love them less.

I would also question my feelings about someone who used sex as a threat.

TheStoic · 28/01/2017 10:40

Yes, and they are ignoring the fact that he's not experiencing "constant rejection" because women bend over backwards to give men the benefit of the doubt.

How do you know the rejection isn't constant? How do you know it doesn't feel constant to the OP's husband? You have no idea how often one is approaching, and the other is rejecting.

Nobody is bending over backwards to justify male behaviour. That's your projection. Some women actually feel the same way about the lack of sex in relationships.

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 10:43

MrsHathaway you are giving me too much credit for finer feelings. "Romantic love", bollocks to that I'm a woman with NEEDS.Wink

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 10:47

diminishing sex life

Um, diminished but increasing. The context matters hugely - his complaint isn't that she isn't trying at all, but that things aren't improving quickly enough.

We had problems along a similar vein (though without the threats) when I was bf DC1. By the time the baby went to bed I was thoroughly "touched out". I interpreted any affection from DH as overtures towards full sex, which I absolutely didn't want.

TALKING TO EACH OTHER showed him why I was resisting, and showed me that he wasn't necessarily after actual sex all the time. He learned to give me enough space to reclaim my body before making approaches; I learned to accept non-PIV contact without worrying that I was cock teasing by doing so; we ended up actually having a lot more sex because we weren't resentful of each other.

That lesson was also important at a similar stage with our other children. It just took a bit of communication in our case.

For OP this could be a similar temporary blip based on current circumstances and poor communication. Or her DH might be an intransigent dick head. She can't possibly know without a long deep and meaningful.

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 10:48

Lol Moomin Grin

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 10:52

She hasn't "reduced his sex life", WTF?!

They had children. 50% his children. That affected her life massively. His, perhaps not so much. She still feeds one of those children.

I'm sure there are lots of things she's doing less of, watching TV, seeing friends, eating out etc, since kids. There isn't some sacrosanct "thou must and shall do it 3 times per week plus a blow job on Sundays" standalone "sex life".

Couples have a life together, things in it change, sex is one of those things that changes.

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 10:55

"However the OP has made it about the sex and has dismissed his feelings about their diminishing sex life." No she hasn't and that is grossly unfair to the OP. He is the one making it all about sex and all about him and his feelings. He is not making any effort to understand how she feels. The use of the word 'deny' by him is very telling. It isn't a slip of the tongue. It is an insight into how he feels about sex i.e he's entitled to it. The OP has been making time for them as well as some looking after three children and at no point is he acknowledging the compromising and sacrificing she is doing for both their children and their marriage.

Why is she the one who has to make all the effort while he's the one who has to have his feelings acknowledged and pandered to?

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 11:00

"Dwindling" is the term the OP used.

Reduced & diminished have similar meanings, or is my English failing me?

I don't know enough about them as a couple to comment. My point is that relationships do indeed change and a reduction in sex would bother me. Threatening behaviour would also bother me.

My issue is the way the OP and other posters have dismissed a desire for sex as somehow something seedy and unworthy. Although in the case of this particular man they might be right.

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 11:07

Ah - yes, it's diminished/dwindling compared to normal, but I think she clarified later on that it's increasing more recently. Like maybe usual is daily and it has been monthly and now it's fortnightly.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 11:10

"The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer"

From the OP. So she is making efforts and not belittling his feelings or whatever else has been said.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 11:11

Moomin

I don't think anyone has dismissed a desire for sex as seedy. All such comments are in the context of this DH.

Anothermoomin · 28/01/2017 11:20

Don't get me wrong the bloke sounds like a bellend.

It's more the 'tone' of some of the comments that bother me.

Huskylover1 · 28/01/2017 11:24

How much sex are they actually having, I wonder? I am female and really would struggle with little/no sex. Yes, my feelings would start to change too....

Why are you still breastfeeding a toddler? A 2/3 year old has a balanced diet, and doesn't need breast milk? I am wondering if this is too keep him at arms length? Because there really is no need to be doing this don't they have teeth ouch

rosabug · 28/01/2017 11:35

Hi - speaking as someone who has been rejected sexually by the partner. I understand totally why he said it. Others may call it whiny or manipulative, but it also comes from desperation and rejection. Tell him it upset you, but ultimately forget it and continue your journey to improve the marriage. It may take a while for him to feel comfortable with individual incidences of rejection. People who have regular sex, don't get bothered by the odd "not tonight, I'm tired". People who are feeling insecure and rejected get very panicky and say hurtful things. Try not to judge him too harshly. If that were me, I would love my partner to give me a big hug, say sorry about not feeling like it, and have an honest conversation.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 11:37

I'd actually want to hear his version of events because, with lots of love and respect, situations like this can be very complicated and somewhat subjective. And he might well be a complete knobber, of course. I just don't think we've got enough info to know for sure. Threatening to go elsewhere is obviously horrible. But as I said, being or feeling very rejected is no fun either and CAN lead to hurtful things being said.

He could well just be a dick, of course. I just can't be sure from this.