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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband just said this ...

175 replies

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:14

You are killing my feelings for you by denying me sex ... does this sound like a man who loves his wife? We have 3 kids and i admit my sex drive is not what it used to be. The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other. So one night this week, he blows up because i was too tired close to midnight. I get his frustration but this comment has made me look at him in a totally different light. I don't think he really loves me as a person. It made me question my whole marriage. Whats your take on it ladies?

OP posts:
AskBasil · 27/01/2017 22:09

Um why do you feel that you understand the importance of sex in a marriage, but he has no duty to? Why is he going from 0-100 while you're still at 30? What's that about? Why isn't he tuning in to you, the way lovers do?

You're still breastfeeding and he's hassling you for sex? How old is your baby? How much free time do you have and how much free time does he have?

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 22:09

springers im not looking for an out. im not over reacting at all. i also disagree that love fades away when you are not having sex. love has many forms and is multifaceted and grows in many ways, especially once you have children and you are building a family together. i am not negating the need for sex but one shouldnt feel the need to have sex because their partner wont 'love them' anymore. that to me is ridiculous. i thought our relationship was much deeper than that and the realisation that perhaps it is not is what is most disappointing.

OP posts:
namechange102 · 27/01/2017 22:11

I may be a bit ignorant here, but isn't it biological, men going from 0 to 100 in seconds, whereas women need more foreplay to get going? Maybe he doesn't realise or appreciate that (esp with young children and breastfeeding in the mix) and was just frustrated and didn't really think about what he was saying? I'm not excusing what he said, I would wonder too. The only sensible thing to do is explain to him how it made you feel /what you assumed he meant, and make a decision based on his reaction to that. Hope he gives you a good explanation.

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 22:12

i have a toddler who i still feeding on demand so not a baby, baby.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 27/01/2017 22:18

I think you both have a point

An ex of mine had no sex drive at all ( he did in the beggining ) it ruined our relationship I got sick of the rejection sick of no sex and yes it did kill my feelings for him. Sex is important in a relationship I think a lot of people play down the effect it can have when one party is no longer interested

However you have young children you say you have been working on building back up the intimacy etc so he needs to be a bit more realistic and sensitive aswell

PlinkyTheFairyWitch · 27/01/2017 22:21

Sex isn't a 'thing' you can deny someone, or demand from someone. Saying he loves you less because you have sex with him less often than he would like is way out of order IMO. Threatening to 'go elsewhere' is a deal-breaker for me personally. 'Go on then and leave your key behind' would be my answer.

FWIW, I have a toddler and I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I've felt up for it in the last year! They're exhausting and I've only got the one.

Have you told him how you feel?

AskBasil · 27/01/2017 22:26

The thing about having young children and feeling knackered, is that both of you have these children and should be feeling equally knackered.

If he's feeling so much friskier, so much more often than you are, then I want to know what the balance of work to leisure time is in your relationship.

Because he should frankly be feeling as knackered as you, if he's doing his fair share.

It's one of those things you go through as a couple when you have young kids.

Adults know this.

And as for maybe him not knowing that women don't go from 0-100 in a second... well, we're back to needing another sexual revolution, aren't we. My 18 year old boyfriend knew that back in the day, how come a grown-ass man with 3 children and a wife doesn't? What's happened to sex?

Good night OP, hope you get a good night's sleep and wake up feeling energetic and positive. Smile

LesisMiserable · 27/01/2017 22:29

I understand his point.

ShebaShimmyShake · 27/01/2017 22:33

Sex keeps my feelings alive....if my husband constantly rejected me (inability through illness or disability is another matter) and I was never intimate with him then yes, I think my feelings would diminish.

Every time this issue comes up there are people who accuse the rejected partner of "whinging" and say that it's unattractive....as if there was anything the partner could do that would get them going. More often than not they've simply lost the drive. Understandable with small children etc, and of course you do not have to have sex if you don't want it. But it's a bit unfeeling to dismiss your supposedly loved life partner's attempt to discuss their hurt and frustration as "unattractive whinging".

Seriously, if my husband never wanted sex, but more importantly didn't care how I felt about it, and accused me of whinging every time I tried to talk to him about it, I'd probably have an affair myself and not feel guilty. If he doesn't want me, and he doesn't care how that makes me feel, and he doesn't think sex is important, then pah, why would he care if I did?

I'm not saying this is you, OP, but I do sometimes feel for all these people who are dismissed on MN as freaks and perverts and sex pests and whingers because they want a sex life with their partner.

The issue isn't even the sex so much as the complete disregard in some cases for the person's feelings and unwillingness even to discuss it or legitimise it as more than just whinging.

Obviously I am not referring to abusive partners.

clumsyduck · 27/01/2017 22:37

And I should add that of course no one should ever be forced to want sex when they don't want to, no matter how long it's been .

But also no one should be forced into celibacy either . This isn't so much aimed at you op more at the opinion Iv seen on here sometimes that people must be disgusting selfish and clearly not love their oh if they are pissed off with no sex after a long period of time .

TheStoic · 27/01/2017 22:38

Oh wow, another thread about incompatible libidos. Has someone said 'sex pest' yet?

There is no answer. Either you talk about it like adults, each respecting the other's needs - or your marriage is on a slippery slope to nowhere.

LanaJH3393 · 27/01/2017 22:44

People dont just "say" things in the spur of the moment like that - must have been thinking it for a while - You deserve better than that, Dont live a lie, if my partner said that to me i would show him the door - he thinks he can have it better somewhere else then good luck to him ,, off you go - You dont need people putting you down like that - partners are supposed to be supportive - the way i see it is you have kids to consider and im sorry to say this but i do agree with some of the others about he is probly already getting it elsewere this is just my opinion so dont look too much into it as every each to their own - i hope it works out for you good luck girl x

scottishdiem · 27/01/2017 22:44

Real issue. Shitty way of trying to deal with it.

Sex is important in a relationship and a long term lack of it does destroy the intimacy and love that people have for their partner. Including the real love that the OP doesn't link to sex. Whilst love can be very deep without sex it can also be a love that isnt husband and wife - more like best friends. This works when neither has a libido but not when things are mismatched.

I dont know what was being done to bring you back to having more regular sex but its either not working or your DH doesnt think its working fast enough, or more likely, doesnt seem to understand how its supposed to work.

Demanding sex and threatening to leave are definitely going to have negative consequences but its also clear the OPs DH has lost the connection that sex has within a marriage (lost the intimacy and sexual togetherness and feeling loved). That needs worked on urgently I think.

SandyY2K · 27/01/2017 22:53

I think repeated rejection can change the way you feel for someone. You are very naive not to think so

I agree with this.

I also disagree that love fades away when you are not having sex.

The problem with this, is you can't say that for anyone except yourself. It may not affect your love for a partner, but it might affect his love for you.

I understand you're tired from looking at the kids. Having young kids is draining and I don't think men (most) really understand how tiring it is.

I can say that I have some experience of what you're talking about. If I knew then, what I know why, we wouldn't have had those problems.

For me, what would have helped was:

-A break from the kids

  • Appreciation
-More help with cooking -Some initiative used to arrange a babysitter and spend a night away
  • Him not wanting sex when there is work to be done and telling me to leave it till later
  • Affection and not being groped in the name of romance

Years on and having spoken to men in the situation of my DH then, I can see both sides. It's a vicious circle.

When a woman feels unappreciated and there is no affection, she won't want sex. When a man doesn't get sex, he looses the closeness and resentment builds on both sides.

Communication is the key.

Lillygolightly · 28/01/2017 00:37

It is certainly no sin to want sex with your partner, it is still certainly no sin to still crave sex even when you know your partner is not wanting sex at the time of your craving.

A libido is not something that can be just switched on and off like a light switch the OP is still breastfeeding and is not having much sleep so it's understandable her libido is low.

What any good caring and loving partner should do is say is something along the lines of hey I'm really missing our sex life and I'm really craving the intimacy we get from it. Is everything ok with you/with us? Is there anything I can do to help? Would you maybe want to see a doctor about it? Do you just want to talk about it with me? We can figure it out together don't worry.

You DO NOT tell your partner that your love for them is dying and that you will go get it elsewhere if you don't get it from them!!

Put it this way, think of the libido as an entity or an organ like the lungs or heart. If the lungs or the heart got sick or were not feeling so well or pumping away like previously, would your thoughts be of leaving it? Would you be threatening to rip it out and replace it with a newer racier model? Or would you first look at what you could do to make it better and make it healthy again so that perhaps it could work the way it once used to??? A considerate and loving caring partner would want do what they could do to to help make the organ healthy again and the partner with the sick organ would also want to do all that they could do for the organ to become healthy again.

Sex and intamcy is an important part of any relationship it should never be used as a weapon, held to ransom, be withdrawn nor forced upon. It should be natural and evolving and just like life it's ever changing. Sometimes it changes together and sometimes not. At times of mismatch we all still deserve love and care and most of all understanding. What both partners have to understand is that whilst it is a difficult period it must be talked about and worked through and it must be done with care and compassion from BOTH parties. A sexual relationship is a fragile thing and must be nurtured by those in the relationship, it's too often taken for granted, in that it's just expected to just work and just flow. Perhaps it would be easier if we talked about sex with our partners more often and started the conversation when thing were good and not just when we started finding this difficult. I think for most by the time it's talked about during the period of difficulty there is already pain, rejection and resentment and then that's when it gets hard to solve.

Gosh...don't I sound like a right hippy Blush

Food for thought though eh. Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouse · 28/01/2017 01:02

Don't you think it might be wise to stop feeding your toddler on demand, or at all, and get some sleep?!

Listen to what your husband is telling you. Lack of intimacy is killing his feelings for you. Constant rejection will do that.

Do you want to nit pick over what he said or do you want to save your marriage?

TheNaze73 · 28/01/2017 09:16

Sex & money are the two biggest causes of relationships to break down. It sounds like you have mismatched libido's as well & I can't see a bright future here.

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 09:41

Wow. Just wow.

Presumably your libidos haven't always been mismatched. Presumably this is a thing that's come along since having three young children?

As AskBasil says why is his libido so much higher than yours? Why isn't he as knackered as you? Why does he resort to manipulative whiny shit like a child who doesn't get his own way? Why doesn't he care about how you feel? Why doesn't he care about intimacy in your marriage?

You are expanding quite a lot of energy worrying about this. Worrying about his "needs" at the same time as caring for your children's actual needs. Do you think he is expending as much energy worrying about how tired you are, whether you can cope, looking after the children etc etc?

And why do so many women still think men are entitled to sex? It is so fucking depressing.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 09:53

Can some posters stop throwing hyperbole around?

The OP and her husband are having sex, not as often as he'd like, but they are. They are supposed to be working on getting closer but he asked her for sex "near midnight" when anyone would be tired, especially someone still breastfeeding with a toddler. When she says no he threatens to stop loving her.

And some posters think he's a poor rejected diddums?

Goddess.

OP, don't take this on yourself as your fault. And listen to AskBasil.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 09:53

I don't think men are entitled to sex. I just don't think a person is an evil incarnate sex pest for wanting a sex life with their life partner, and trying to discuss it if they're being constantly rejected.

And if a person (not necessarily OP) doesn't like sex, doesn't want sex and doesn't think sex is important, then yes, I do wonder why they'd care if their partner did stray.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 09:54

That's a lovely post, Lilly. Not at all hippy!

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 09:56

i also disagree that love fades away when you are not having sex

I can't speak for anyone else, but it does for me.

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 10:05

"" But that isn't the OP, Sheba. They are having sex. She clearly does have feelings for him and sex. Why make comments like that? Other than to guilt her into having sex when she's doesn't want it/too tired?

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 10:07

That post was supposed to have the following text highlighted so you knew which part I was talking about!

"And if a person (not necessarily OP) doesn't like sex, doesn't want sex and doesn't think sex is important, then yes, I do wonder why they'd care if their partner did stray."

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 10:11

I feel like I've gone back to the 1950's here. Women are bending over backwards to pretend that this is just about his need for intimacy and urging the OP to work on her marriage, not recognising any need at all for her husband to work on their marriage. If he wants intimacy and sex, then I suggest the best way to get it, isn't to threaten to fuck another woman. That is not someone looking for intimacy, it's someone demanding his marital rights. Newsflash: modern marriages aren't about marital rights, they're about people being friends, partners, lovers, companions. You're not someone's friend or partner if you threaten them with infidelity if they don't do what you want. You’re just the person they live with that they have to endure until something better turns up.

Is this really what modern marriage is?

This pretence that the OP is continually refusing to have sex with her husband as well; it's not true is it? She is trying to sort out her sex life, but as Scallops says, how much time is the husband spending trying to work on his marriage?

The OP hasn't said very much about whether he is working hard on considering her needs, his marriage, his fathering, his labour in the home; but the very fact that he expressed himself the way he did, very much indicates that he probably isn't working on his marriage anything like as hard as she is.