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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just said this ...

175 replies

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 19:14

You are killing my feelings for you by denying me sex ... does this sound like a man who loves his wife? We have 3 kids and i admit my sex drive is not what it used to be. The last few years our sex life has dwindled but recently we've been getting closer and closer and committing to making time for each other. So one night this week, he blows up because i was too tired close to midnight. I get his frustration but this comment has made me look at him in a totally different light. I don't think he really loves me as a person. It made me question my whole marriage. Whats your take on it ladies?

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 11:40

You always hear one side only on MN though.

"Why are you still breastfeeding a toddler? A 2/3 year old has a balanced diet, and doesn't need breast milk? "

Boolovessulley · 28/01/2017 11:42

I actually think it's more to do with attitude than libido.

I know lots of ( divorced) women, who said they felt like just a cleaner and nanny within their marriage.
Yes the ops dh had a job but he is paid and respected for doing that.

Exactly what does he do around the house and with the dc?

If the op feels unloved and unappreciated she will feel unsexy.
She won't feel sexual.

What does her dh do to ensure she isn't knackered from the kids and housework.

I feel this destroys lots of marriages.

Also the divorced women I know who've been through this are all in new, loving relationships.

No young kids to care for. Both partners share the housework and they report that their sex lives are fantastic.

TGItsNotChristmasAnymore · 28/01/2017 12:24

Does he help out with the house/kids. Does he cook and set a nice romantic atmosphere? Does he put any effort in to helping your be less tired. Is he affectionate, does he cuddle you and run you a bath, all little things that would help you.

If not I would be prone to say ' your lazy and selfish attitude is killing my want to have sex with you' and see how he likes it.
I'd like to think my dp would never say anything like that (he likes his testicles too much) but I know he would have sex at any given opportunity. Sex is less frequent since we've moved in (we used to be at it multiple times a night now it's probably about three a week) but we're a relatively newer relationship so after a year still very much at the can't stop touching stage, he does get a bit whiney, I think that's a man thing lol.
FWIW I have quite a high sex drive, even when Im dog tired, mentally I want to do it. But I do find my libido tracks my monthly cycle, during certain times of the month Im as horney as hell, sexting while at work and jumping him as soon as I can, and other times I'd rather have a cup of tea and a bourbon. I make the most of those days so he's a bit worn out on the others lol.
Tbh though I can completely understand why you're upset, I would be too, it was a very insensitive and disrespectful thing to say.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2017 13:53

I have to agree with the comments about breastfeeding a toddler. Whose benefit is it really for?

A toddler is getting all their nutrients from a balanced diet and really doesn't need to be breastfeeding at that age.

It's the mother's choice to do so, but considering how it's impacting on her getting sufficient rest and being exhausted, leading to further problems, then it makes sense to bring it to an end.

It's not about making her body available to her husband. The key is getting to a place where you aren't so knackered and actually feel more in mood for it.

And so many are asking why he's not as tired... They are different people and physiological make up is not the same. Even two people can carry out the same activity and one is more drained afterwards.

Added to the fact that higher testosterone levels tend to make men up for it most of the time.

I've been with my DH for @ 20 years and not once has he refused sex when I initiated it. I honestly can't count the times I've not wanted it when he's initiated it.

SandyY2K · 28/01/2017 14:01

These are the words of a man on this topic. Not mine. I'm just showing another side, so don't anyone jump down my throat.

100% of the time, when men are complaining about their "post-kid" life, it's sexual intimacy that's missing.

I just don't get it (and never have) how this happens. Sex feels good. It bonds people together.

A man will run through walls for you if you give him regular/good sex, he'll wake up all night long to change the baby if he knows sex is on the morning menu.

I just don't get why that's the thing that women so quickly throw away

Sorry.. this is SO important to men, it's the number 1,2,3,4 and 5 reasons we love our wives.

I know you don't want to be seen a walking sex toy, and YOUR NOT, ..... , it's only when sex falls off... it becomes a need more than a want.

scottishdiem · 28/01/2017 14:12

Maybe not a universal truth there SandyY2K but I think a lot closer to reality than a great number of women would like to accept.

MrsHathaway · 28/01/2017 14:14

Whose benefit is it really for?

The toddler. HTH.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 14:20

From my observation, I'd say sex is what creates the loving feeling in men, while for women it's the expression of love that's already there.

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 14:26

FGS ignoramuses, stop telling a mother when to stop breastfeeding her child.

That is a decision for her and her child, not for randoms on the internet.

She hasn't asked for our advice about when to stop full-term breastfeeding, she's asked about her petulant husband.

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 14:28

"A man will run through walls for you if you give him regular/good sex"

Christ.

I have never given a man sex in my life. I have had sex with men. I have participated in sex with men. It is not something I give, it's something I do.

Again, whatever happened to the sexual revolution?

And again, I'm not keen on anyone running through walls, that sounds draughty. Doing the childcare and their fair share of domestic labour, that sounds good.

Joysmum · 28/01/2017 14:30

From my observation, I'd say sex is what creates the loving feeling in men, while for women it's the expression of love that's already there

That's the conclusion DH and I came to. He sees sex as a way of building bonds, I see it as a way of showing love. We have to bear that in mind when life gets in the way and we hit a dry spell.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 14:39

"if you give him regular/good sex"

GIVE him???

"he'll wake up all night long to change the baby if he knows sex is on the morning menu."

His. Own. Child.

His baby is wet or dirty and he needs the promise of getting his end away to fix this?

I think a hell of a lot better of men as a class, as fathers, than this, don't you?

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 14:43

Give him sex?

Doesn't anyone find it creepy that a man would "walk through walls" for sex with a woman? Is that any woman? Or just the woman he's supposed to love and cherish and think of as a full human being not just an object for his sexual desire?

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/01/2017 14:44

if you give him regular/good sex

Despite everything I've said so far, this is really quite shitty.

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 14:45

I always managed to get up and change the baby, feed him etc., even though no one was going to enable me to orgasm from doing so.

I must be Mother Teresa.

No, it appears not.

scallopsrgreat · 28/01/2017 14:46

Well indeed HelenDenver. As well as the ingrained belief that men should expect/need/deserve sex; that sex is something men do to women; there is an underlying belief that childcare is woman's work and men should be cajoled into doing it with promises of sex

AskBasil · 28/01/2017 14:49

I don't think I'll bother feeding the kids today.

No-one's fucking me, so why should I?

Grin
clumsyduck · 28/01/2017 14:51

So Iv already posted to say I believe a lack of sex can kill feelings . Certainly did mine .

However . "Give him sex " Christ! Hmm

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 15:03

Yy scallops.

Heck of a hat trick for one short phrase!

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 15:05

You could get a tshirt, Basil.

"I Cook For Cunnilingus"

But then, you aren't a monumental fool, so guess you will go on taking care of your children regardless of orgasms.

ivykaty44 · 28/01/2017 15:21

If I was rejected constantly or thier was a lack of intimacy in my relationship then I would question and wonder why? I would feel hurt, to me intamacy is important.

Op you say your libido is low, is there a reason for this? For example are you menopause age etc?

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 15:26

Feeling "touched out" by the children, possibly, Ivy?

She may be menopausal of course, but as her youngest is a toddler and she's breastfeeding, seems less likely.

HelenDenver · 28/01/2017 15:28

Feeling "touched out" by the children, possibly, Ivy?

She may be menopausal of course, but as her youngest is a toddler and she's breastfeeding, seems less likely.

user1479305498 · 28/01/2017 15:31

the expression "lack of sex can kill feelings" I would also add "lack of empathy/feelings/help around home/ etc can kill sex. It works both ways.

Belfastbird · 28/01/2017 15:49

I was constantly rejected, no affection or intimacy. When pushed he no longer finds me attractive. I've lost loads of weight he occasionally suggests it but out of duty & no effort involved (& there is still no affection). My self confidence was at rock bottom. Constant rejection is soul destroying. I want the love but I am also a woman with needs.