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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 27/01/2017 07:15

My advice. Stick him on MUTE (ignore the words) and concentrate purely on his actions...

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 07:47

So last night I sent him a message saying that seem as his answer to his feelings are to call this a 'break' whilst waiting for someone to come along that gives him this 'connection' I would make it easy for him and call it a day re our marriage because I wasn't willing to wait around for the message saying 'sorry the break hasn't worked because I've found someone else' I told him that I was moving on from now and let him get on with his confused mind by himself. He basically aid that he can't help his feelings, dragged in my sister (who has had affairs and still married) and said that they'd only stayed together because they have a nice life style from it. Not sure what relevance that has.. then told me that he feels stressed and can't get the negative thoughts out of his mind about me forcing him to have another baby. He said If I was such a good wife he wouldn't feel this way. He said we both might like this time apart and that he feels 'desensitised' from it all.
I don't know what I expected his answer to be last night but the force of all the blame he has put on me felt like a tonne of bricks. Should I just accept that having another baby broke us. I feel so guilty he's acting like I've ruined his life.
But I have memories of special times and only this Christmas in my card he wrote me a lovely message saying how much he loves me and I'm 'his person'. Thats what hurts , remembering the occasions we have had. But should it be more than just occasions?

OP posts:
PaterPower · 27/01/2017 07:56

He's playing you OP.

Please ignore the attempts to guilt you into doing what he wants, and ignore the BS about your sister having affairs. It's just an attempt at emotionally blackmailing / controlling you.

No amount of prior good times is worth the pain you're going to go through on a "break," always imagining what he might be getting up to and putting your life on hold whilst he plays the field. You (anyone in a similar situation) are worth so much more than that.

Barefootcontessa84 · 27/01/2017 07:58

OP he's already shagging around. He's framing it in this way to you as he's looking for your (retrospective) permission to clear his conscience.

He's also aware he might not have met anyone long term in the next few months so would like a cozy bed and hot dinner to be ready for him when the affair(s) end. You are enabling that, and by doing so enabling him to treat you like absolute shit.

He has no respect for you. Leave now.

balence49 · 27/01/2017 07:59

Sounds like he will fit right in in the police, they are all shaggers too! Kick him to the kerb.

MrsPeelyWally · 27/01/2017 08:00

By him mentioning your sister having affairs you are suppose to believe that he can have them and you're marriage would be ok.

He is an emotionally abusive horror. A master manipulator.

Barefootcontessa84 · 27/01/2017 08:00

And you're "his person" because it sounds like you will be played by him, whenever he likes, any time. It's just the perfect convenient lifestyle for him to have you 'ready' regardless of what he does!

fledglingFTB · 27/01/2017 08:00

What is this second child bullshit all about. Like, the first didn't count?! You have both made adult decisions to bring up a family together. Regardless of what that manipulative dipshit says.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He should be absolutely ashamed of his set centred, obnoxious manner.

Training may feel glamorous in comparison to real life, but I bet in 5 months he'll hit reality with a thump when it's the monotony of day to day work, so make sure you're prepared to stick by what you want when he's crawling back (and no doubt crawling with a few things himself)

He's a horrible man, I feel for you and your kids Flowers

fledglingFTB · 27/01/2017 08:02

The baby didn't break your relationship, his selfish ego has.

alpacawhacker · 27/01/2017 08:09

OP, you won't believe me now but trust me when I say that one day you will look back and wonder what the hell you ever saw in the obnoxious twat.

Mix56 · 27/01/2017 08:10

Of course he won't take responsibility for his actions.
Boot to touch this manipulative piece of under life

PollytheDolly · 27/01/2017 08:10

He's a manipulative bastard. He is now changing history to suit himself and blaming you.

I'd text back:

"I will not take the blame for your inability to be a husband and father. I will be contacting a solicitor today"

And say no more, don't get dragged into this bullshit.

Peanutbutterrules · 27/01/2017 08:17

Agree with all the others. How manipulative to drag in your sisters awful marriage. As if one person putting up with being treated like trash is an excuse for you to tolerate this horrible behavour.

He is eating you from the inside out. Ditch him. Its not all your fault, don't let his desire for affairs be your problem.

Soubriquet · 27/01/2017 08:19

"if you was a good wife.."

If he was a good husband and a good father he wouldn't blame a 2 year old and he wouldn't want to cheat

You are better than this OP

Real men do not have affairs and only get away with it because the little woman sits at home and waits for him to come back.

Don't be that woman.

Be a strong woman to your children and kick him out

Emboo19 · 27/01/2017 08:21

He wants you to feel guilty op! That way it absolves him of the guilt and blame and he knows that if/when he comes crawling back, he can use that guilt to get you to take him back!
I'd quite simply tell him, 'this isn't a break/time apart. This is the end of our marriage. From now on we will only communicate regarding the children and any financial issues'.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/01/2017 08:22

He's projecting his shite on you OP. Rather than taking accountability for his own actions he's shoving all the blame onto your lap.

What he's asking you to do is wait in the shadows as a back up just incase he doesn't find what he's looking for?

He's a selfish self-centered cunt. A manipulating one at that.

You reap what you sow...he'll find that out.

He expects you to sit on the sidelines as an extra on the ALL ABOUT ME SHOW!

Venusflytwat · 27/01/2017 08:24

He doesn't love you OP.

Nothing else matters. It doesn't really matter now whether he's shagged her yet (he has), or how many others there have been (there have) or whether you "forced" a baby on him (you didn't).

He doesn't love you.

It doesn't matter what your sister did. Her marriage won't be stronger for the affairs, not really. She just wants your marriage to go the same way to help her feel validated in what she's done, make hers seem normal. It isn't.

He doesn't love you OP. People don't treat people this badly if they love them. And he doesn't deserve you.

Please start your new life today. It will feel be so much better not to be dangling from his every whim.

Empress13 · 27/01/2017 08:25

Aahhh now I can see why your stupid sis told you to agree to his plan. The two of them deserve each other!

OP look at other similar threads on here and see how things worked out for others there is a better life for you out there . You know you deserve so much better

Spacecadet14 · 27/01/2017 08:32

I'm occasional lurker on MN and sometimes I cringe when someone posts something about a relationship and everyone piles in saying LTB, because it can feel like a drastic thing to do in the circumstances (except, obvs, when the DH/DP is being abusive). Yet this time I am screaming with the masses that you need to ditch this snowflake! You should follow PollytheDolly's advice and contact a solicitor this morning for some advice about a legal separation. Blaming you for not being 'a good wife' - FFS, is he living in the 1950s?! You are not responsible for his happiness, just as he is not responsible for yours. Go forth and be happy with someone who truly deserves you. He doesn't.

Iamdobby63 · 27/01/2017 08:38

Well it's far easier blaming you than accepting that he just wants to be single so he can carry on guilt free.

You are worried that after 5 months he will have fallen in love with someone else? I would be more worried that after 5 months he wants to come home.

Think what he is asking of you.... you are meant to sit around and wait and if nothing better comes along you will do - until the next time - it will keep happening because you let it.

In the meantime his children are well looked after and as you haven't 'split up' he can see them and speak to them whenever he wants to.

badabing36 · 27/01/2017 08:44

He said If I was such a good wife he wouldn't feel this way

That bastard deserves nothing from you.

A man who loves and respects you would never, ever say this.

Let's say by some miracle he isn't sleeping with someone else. He is still arrogant and selfish enough to keep you waiting for 5 months whilst he has his time to think. I'm sorry but he thinks he is too good for you and he is very wrong.__

SleepingTiger · 27/01/2017 08:51

This is not your doing. You are not calling it a day. Let's be quite clear.

This is about irrevocable choice. His irrevocable choice to end your marriage. His reasons are secondary.

Your children will need this important piece of information.

SunnyL · 27/01/2017 08:52

Your poor wee baby being blamed by him for his unhappiness. To be honest that's what would break me. How say a small child is the reason he wants to sleep with other people.

My DH is a police officer. Yes during training there were a lot of tested relationships but generally they were looking for something new anyway - that's why they jacked in their old career and joined the police. However I've worked in call centres which had as many affairs going on as in the police. Sadly they're rife everywhere in life. Weak men and women everywhere.

My dear I rarely post on these things either but it's good you've got time and space yourself. I personally couldn't forgive someone who blamed my child for their weak morals

GetAHaircutCarl · 27/01/2017 08:52

Op I saw your other thread.

He doesn't want to be married. He regrets his early responsibilities. He wants to be a Single Pringle.

Let him go and do it.

It might work out great for him. It might be a fucking disaster that he will regret for the rest of his life.

Not your concern. Your concern is to build a life for you and your DC without him.

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 08:53

Another waste of space that will fit nicely in in the police force.