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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/01/2017 22:14

You feel you deserve anything he does to you because you 'trapped him' with babies and marriage and if you just give him a bit of time and let him do what he wants then he will 'realise'...

It's a hiding to nothing. He isn't willing to be responsible re his DC. He wasn't responsible re marriage or the second child... he isn't being responsible re breaking up with you... That speaks volumes. There are some people who recognise they are responsible for their DC lives and step up no matter how they were conceived, and there are others who don't...

Offred · 26/01/2017 22:16

And TBH if he is just going to casually shrug off being a parent to his own flesh and blood like this because of his own self pity then there is absolutely zero chance he is going to be responsible re the other non blood related people in his life.

Teaholic · 26/01/2017 22:18

puppetinparadise, I agree with you. I hate the ''you'll meet somebody else'' platitudes too. that's not the point!

I left knowing that even if I never met somebody else, it would still be better for my self-esteem.

OP, do not let him stick you with all of the childcare while he shags about !!!!
Do not tolerate that! And his comment about somebody else bringing up his kids speaks volumes! Is he not going to bring them up himself regardless of whether he's under the same roof or with somebody else or you're with somebody else! He seems to regard parenting as living with the children's mother. Parenting is a verb.

owlmug · 26/01/2017 22:19

Being honest about shitty things he has done does not make him a good person. It makes him feel he is (which is most important to him) but in reality he's just a twat that has made you think 'sometimes he's an idiot but atleast he admits to it'

Children are very resilient and cope with change well if you handle the situation supportively, who wants their mum to stay with someone who makes them feel like they're not good enough? Think of things in the long run

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 22:26

Offered ....You feel you deserve anything he does to you because you 'trapped him' with babies and marriage and if you just give him a bit of time and let him do what he wants then he will 'realise'...

This is exactly how I feel. Im always trying to be understanding. And think that he is the one who has had to adjust so much and I'm lucky he didn't leave me when I found out I was pregnant. But the fact is he felt lucky to have me back then. Am I so wrong thinking this way because everyone around me is basically saying be patient he will come back. And that sometimes affairs end up fine because my sister and her husband have had a few affairs and have come up stronger for it

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 26/01/2017 22:38

Don't put your life on hold while waiting for him to come back--he just probably won't.
Don't lower your standards just because he wants to sow some wild oats while you sit about waiting and wondering who he is screwing every night.

You deserve so much better

Carollocking · 26/01/2017 22:44

also next time I know exactly what I'd say,I'd say it's no problem you having fun as I've found someone else myself so enjoy yourself and I'll send on the divorce papers

Offred · 26/01/2017 22:48

Re your sister - misery loves company.

He was an equal partner in conceiving two children. I presume you didn't hold a gun to his head during the marriage ceremony either?!

Fact is, it suits him to have all the benefits of marriage and children and none of the burdens and this guilt you feel over this 'trapping him' bullshit is just how he gets to keep on trampling over your self esteem and have you keep coming back for more.

Chinnygirl · 26/01/2017 22:49

Dear OP,

I am so so sorry that you are in this place. I am just a stranger on the internet and you should decide but here is my opinion:

  1. Your marriage is over. It doesn't matter that he hadn't taken the time out yet. He has checked out of the marriage. Please stop putting your energy in a non existant marriage.
  2. Get yourself a therapist/life coach/ professional whatever to help you deal with this current situation and getting your new life in order.
  3. Divorce. Get a sollicitor to help you with this.
  4. When he realises you mean it do NOT take him back! He will fuck you over next year if you do.

My aunt dealt with her cheating husband for 40 years till she died. She always took him back but she never felt peace in the relatiinship. Please do not become like her. It will never end.

user1484766714 · 26/01/2017 22:51

You are the woman who gave him two beautiful children, who supported him through his many career choices, you are the woman that waited whilst he made a decision last time. You are the woman that is bringing up his children alone whilst he is too busy to even come back at weekends, but can watch films in the evening with other women! How bloody lucky was he to have found you! If he can't see that now, then that won't change until you walk away and stop being the option he can fall back on. He thinks you will wait for him, no matter what. It will only get worse and your daughter will think this is how women are treated. She will allow men to do the same to her. If you can't stop this for you, please do it for her!

JohnCheese · 26/01/2017 22:52

Fgs let him off. Wtf is he bringing to your home and marriage. Sounds to me like he's sucking the life out of you and every last shred of self esteem with it.

What proof do you need of anything? He wants 5 months to himself. He wants to go. Let him. But don't ever let this hideous man back. And start making a rota for weekend childcare. And whatever maintenance you need. Actually screw that, let him go and get a solicitor.
Sorry OP but he's horrible.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 22:54

Yep. You are going to let him treat you like a complete mug.

CatBallou2 · 26/01/2017 22:56

Don't allow him to wreck your head, as he's currently doing. He will drive you insane with his behaviour and make you feel that you're to blame for his restlessness.

Tell him to leave and live his life as he sees fit and respect you enough to leave you to get on with yours. Don't spend too many years hoping that he'll change and want to be with you in the end. Life moves on very quickly.

clumsyduck · 26/01/2017 22:57

End it . Do not "appreciate he needs his space "

He is basically saying I want to fuck some other woman but I don't want the guilt involved or blame on me so I will seperate and "have my space " do what I want and at a later date if I choose to get back with you I won't technically have done any thing wrong

And I know this because back a long time ago when I was a selfish cheating arsehole I did / said this exact same thing.

Wise up and tell him to fuck off

jcne · 26/01/2017 22:57

shame on him. hold your head high and dismiss him with dignity and finality OP. you and your children don't deserve that kind of nonsense. what is it with men do they ever stop being selfish little assholes.

Offred · 26/01/2017 23:00

And yes, I do think he will come back because he is looking for a woman (any woman) to be responsible for him and he is not likely to find that with someone he hasn't invested 7 years into making feel shit for existing (like you).

It isn't him coming back that matters it is whether the relationship is good.

So you can keep turning a blind eye to his affairs and risk dying of cervical cancer (HPV from numerous affairs) in your late 30s like my great gran did or dying emotionally very slowly for the rest of your life and condemn your DC and their DC and their DC etc to shit relationships (as in my family)...

Or you can actually end this bullshit (for you, he will still do this bullshit) now....

Peanutbutterrules · 26/01/2017 23:04

OP I'm sorry this is happening. It is, quite simply, disgusting. He is basically asking permission to have affairs, then come back when it fizzles out, then he'll be off again when it suits.

Its hard, but time to take the garbage out. Get rid.

Trifleorbust · 26/01/2017 23:04

To be honest, my main worry would be that he might come back. Makr yours the only arsehole on your sofa, OP, and tell him to never darken your door again.

GabsAlot · 26/01/2017 23:06

op youve got to stop saying but i'll just. or maybe i should..

the man wants to cheat hes practically said so then he wants to come back when hes bored and have normality

hes using u there is no other way to put it

and u werent lucky to have him he should have been lucky to have a wife and child

GabsAlot · 26/01/2017 23:08

and your sister sorry is just the same-having affiars doesnt fix anything

Offred · 26/01/2017 23:09

Your bar is basically 'I'm grateful he didn't leave me when he got me pregnant with his baby so he can treat me like shit forever now'

It needs to be more like 'These are your two children who you conceived right along with me and who are 50% your responsibility, shit or get off the pot'

fallenempires · 26/01/2017 23:30

User please be kind to yourself and put both the needs of yourself and your dcs first,his apparent wants are not part of the marriage vows as we all know them.

P00pchute · 26/01/2017 23:39

So he wants to have a relationship hiatus so he can fuck someone else guilt free, while you wait around like a fanny for him to finish wetting his dick. So how many of these breaks is he planning on taking during the course of your relationship, one a year? Oh.my.god.

You deserve better.

Wotshudwehave4T · 26/01/2017 23:47

You should be thinking you are unlucky not lucky to have him. You make your luck- do some thing positive for you and your DCs- leave him and make your own life rather than being grateful for scraps. What examples will he be setting for your DCs, what STIs will he be giving to you- awful, change it, it's in your hands.

fallenempires · 27/01/2017 00:00

Oh & sorry OP to derail your thread but gillybeanz the term of 'pig' is extremely offensive.Is this how you are bringing up your children to regard the police? No doubt someday you will be happy for help from my 'pig',I wonder if you will call him that to his face then?
The pp who thought that it was so 😂 too,the same can be said to you.
Apologies again OP.

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