Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
Carollocking · 27/01/2017 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Peanutbutterrules · 27/01/2017 11:58

Ignore the message you sent and get on with planning a better, calmer life. You'll be amazed at how much more energy and happiness you'll have when you're not being drained by this awful relationship.

There are lots on Mumsnet who have been through this and will be around to hold hands and help.

DadWasHere · 27/01/2017 12:04

I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

Do you mean by this that you stopped desiring him, or do you mean he stopped caring that you did?

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 12:10

I think he stopped caring that I did. I thought our sex life was fine, I would agree that it wasn't mind blowing. That's a joint issue tho, not enough time was put in to make sex more than just a quick job. Lack of communication there I guess.

OP posts:
TENSHI · 27/01/2017 12:20

I understand that there are lots of police who are swingers, so if you are up for that lifestyle op maybe you could suggest that to him and then may be you can stay together. There was a thread on this subject very recently....

Msqueen33 · 27/01/2017 12:31

He's a real peach isn't he! And you say he did love you. Sorry but strangers would treat you better. He wants to be Mr Nice whilst cheating. He's feeling a connection via his cock. Seriously you can do so much on your own than with this sorry excuse of a person.

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 13:33

Def not up for that. Just have to try and focus on my life and not dwell on the fact he's saying I've not been a good wife. I mean wtf is a good wife anyway. He's never taken responsibility for his own happiness. I'm sure it'll get easier...

OP posts:
RumAppleGinger · 27/01/2017 13:41

I hate these people. People who want the world to see them as "a good guy" and so their only option is to paint the people they are fucking over as cruel and unreasonable.

You are neither. I know it's terrifying to picture your life without someone that you have been with for so long but don't ruin your future because you want to cling onto a past. The next few weeks will most probably be awful. But after that it will get easier. A year down the line would you rather be on your own, living your life with your children on your terms or sitting anxious and worried that he's on a night shift with someone you'll always be paranoid that he might be shagging, constantly wondering if he's going to make a "connection" with someone else and fuck off when he's ready. I know which one I'd prefer.

Flowers
Miserylovescompany2 · 27/01/2017 13:46

I'd start applying the 48hr rule to your (written) responses to him OP. if you alter anything the time starts again. If you still feel you wish to send after the 48hrs has elapsed then do so.

Then you don't send emotional heat of the moment messages...

By the sounds of things OP, you've been running the show solo for a while now. He's just been going through the motions and saying whatever he thought would pacify you along the way.

You'd think he'd joined the priesthood, and given himself full absolution.

HeavenlyEyes · 27/01/2017 13:50

He has not always been honest. Shagged the PT and now this new one and goodness knows who else in between. Get rid, get a solicitor and get yourself STI tested. And please get some counselling for yourself to work out why the hell you think this horseshit is all you deserve. Stop doing the pick me dance and find your self respect.

GabsAlot · 27/01/2017 13:52

i agree with misery take time to think what youre sending him

cant belive hes trying to guilt trip u into thinking this is all your fault what a nasty piece of work

dont let him dangle u on a string cut it now

Triplesalco · 27/01/2017 13:53

As PP have said, you are already a single parent. You just need to own it.

You have no choice as he has taken that from you.

Triplesalco · 27/01/2017 13:55

Pressed post too soon.
It is hard (I know) but it will and does get easier.

Stay strong and show your kids what a real parent does

moonfacebaby · 27/01/2017 14:45

So much of his bullshit follows the usual script these arseholes follow. I heard similar things from my exH.

They don't change either. Mine still tries manipulating me, if I pull him up on anything, I get a barrage of abusive texts telling me that everything is my fault.

You'll be much better off without him, trust me. These types don't have the emotional maturity to deal with real life & tend to always feel hard done by, & they are never bloody happy. Over four years on from his affair, my exH still isn't happy - despite getting his OW, living miles away from his kids & generally having an easy life.

Tell him it's over & focus on your life with your kids. Make sure you get a bloody good solicitor that fights your corner so you walk away with a good deal. Prepare yourself for a bumpy ride & remember that you're worth way more than the selfish bell-end....

SandyY2K · 27/01/2017 15:15

I honestly wouldn't take advice from your sister on this and I would proceed with divorce. It's highly insulting to you for him to propose taking 5 months, to basically try and get a connection with another woman.

He's clearly not committed to you or the family and you need to stand up for yourself, refusing to take this behaviour.

HelpMeHelpDS · 27/01/2017 16:36

OP, I can relate to your situation, only for me it was easier because I didn't have children. I also had a sister strongly advise me to stay, and they made leaving much harder. I can't believe he tried to tell you you've been a bad wife. Just in the same way there is no such thing as the perfect parent, there is no such thing as the perfect partner either. But two people come with their faults, and managed to keep a marriage going, unless one of them is abusive or has a roving eye. I can imagine this type of thing will chip away at your confidence, which I suspect is the reason he said it.
In my situation, I wanted to stupidly wait and see if he chose me. In the end, he actually did. But he wasn't in the relationship properly ever again. After seven years I couldn't live with it, and I ended it. I had a strong sense that he was waiting to find dry land before he jumped ship, and because our marriage had never really mended properly, I wasn't prepared to waste my life waiting to find out.
You seem to have asked for confirmation his request is not acceptable. Has he undermined you so very well? Of course you know that's not acceptable in any marriage. The wedding vows are to forsake all others, not to take a break have a fling or two, and then go back to the patient spouse. You can be sure if someone does that once, they will do it again.
My best advice to you is to work really hard on building up your confidence. It sounds like it's been pretty well knocked down, not helped particularly by your family expecting you to hang around to be kicked down further. I think if your confidence increases, you will see things very differently. You will begin to believe wholeheartedly that you are worth much more than this, and it is by no means acceptable behaviour of a spouse.
What a hard time for you to go through. I hope you have a good network of friends to support you. Flowers

Stopmithering · 27/01/2017 17:01

Tenshi, are you serious with your 'swinging' advice or are you being ironic somehow?
Weirdest advice I think I've ever read on here ...

TiredAndRavenous · 27/01/2017 17:51

Screw him, move on your life a find a real partner, he is not worth the effort, what kind of man does not see his kids by choice and only calls twice a week? Please do what's best for YOUR babies, it's not fair on them, don't let this vile man play with your heart. Move on

Although I'm sure he will be very interested and magically find an "attraction" with you when he sees you with someone else x

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2017 18:51

TENSHI not sure if that advice is a joke or not but most women aren''t usually prepared to sleep with loads of random men just to hang onto one shit of a man!

Thinkingofausername1 · 27/01/2017 19:03

Tell him to fuck off and change the locks

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 19:54

The mind games r insane I know I'm enabling them. The latest is him messaging me back to the weak text I sent last night saying that 'maybe we could have a weekend together if possible'. Faint hearted or what. Found the Xmas card with the note in and it said something along the lines of how much he appreciates me and loves me, and thankyou for putting up with me for 7 years as he knows he can be selfish. But things will get better and he knows he couldn't get through the police training if he didn't have me there giving him support. Now this was a month ago. After reading that I was convinced he was cheating on me. Then he face timed the kids and he mentioned our anniversary being next week....I need a slap round the face. Noone is giving me one here though I kinda feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing noone thinks he's cheating like friends nd family. I just don't trust any of my own thoughts.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterrules · 27/01/2017 20:10

OP this is tough. You have to trust your instinct. You don't need anyone else to approve of your actions here. Not friends, not family. FWIW I had a dick of a husband and he was messing around. None of my family and friends encouraged me to leave. Everyone talked about staying together. Was I really sure etc etc. Once I made the announcement that enough was bloody well enough and I didn't care what everyone thought and that it was over there was a massive sigh of relief from all round. They didn't want to encourage me to leave in case I didn't and then I was stuck knowing that they didn't approve of the relationship.

Basically - until you are decisive and clear you really won't know what people think. He will mess with your head forever if you let him.

Leave.

Ohthatagaine · 27/01/2017 20:54

he sounds like he can do what he wants and still come back to you ... at least that what he thinks. you have to find some inner strength and start detaching yourself from him. Start ignoring his texts ... or delay your responses. Fix your mind on something else. Let him know you are not a puppet on a string. Start doing new things, develop a new interest. Anything. Since soon he is doing something without you. Do something that doesnt involve him and that can take your mind off him. Good luck

needmoregin · 27/01/2017 20:55

He is mugging you off ! Tell him to FUCK off you are better then that .. he is keeping you as a fall back . Don't let him do that to you ! How can you be with a man that is always looking for something better .

jakscrakers · 27/01/2017 21:21

Start to learn to believe in yourself, you have lived too long in his shadow, he started the process to wear you down long ago, even as you say he would turn up late for you to go to work, its all about showing you, hes the boss, he has control, I like you believed I was in the wrong all of the time, and everyone else believed he was Mr Perfect and I was certainly not Mrs Perfect and I would have carried on but began to realise his behaviour was having a detrimental effect on our daughter and then I finally woke up, dont stay with him for the childrens sake you will not thank yourself in the long run, ignore his attempts to shame you into waiting, see a solicitor, see citizens advice, get help from where ever you can and move on with your lifes, you and the children deserve better, go find it x