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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
VivDeering · 27/01/2017 08:59

He's rewriting history. The only text I'd send is that you will only contact him about the children, all other matters through your solicitor.

Let him spend time and energy on these texts, put yours in to your new life.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/01/2017 09:11

He is playing you for time, take the next five months to rebuild your life Lovely, by this time, he'll be wanting to come home, to all his comforts.
But of course, you will have all your ducks in a row, and the locks will be changed, he can find his belongings at his parents house, where his DF, will be waiting to speak to him. Lose him OP, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you.🌺

Silentplikebath · 27/01/2017 09:14

You know what I heard from that massage he sent you? 'Me, me, me, me, me , me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me'. What about you, user?

Tell him that you are going to see a solicitor because you no longer wish to be married to him. Whether he has cheated or not is no longer relevant because he is telling you that the marriage is over by his actions and his coldness towards you. Anything else he says is just noise trying to justify himself.

Your mental, emotional and physical health will be damaged if you don't end the marriage and your children will suffer through his selfish actions. By divorcing him you are showing your children that they have a parent who is strong and capable and the other parent who is unreliable and selfish.

nigelforgotthepassword · 27/01/2017 09:14

Send him what pollythedolly suggested. And then do book in to go and see a solicitor.
Even hair seeing where you stand potentially might make you feel better.You don't have to decide anything but knowledge is power.

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 09:17

I've been thinking about things and when he says that our relationship has been a sham for 7 years I remember only a few weeks ago him saying he loves me more than I know ect a note telling me that soon he will be in the police and our life will be good -no money worried ect which does make me realise this sudden change in attitude is guilt. He is manipulative.
He said having out son has prevented me from earning money. He wants nice things but worries about breaking even. Often when I've been in work he's made it so difficult making me later because he has been in the gym. Up and down like a yo yo. Maybe ur all right and this is a blessing.

OP posts:
Carollocking · 27/01/2017 09:21

New year new life without a waster have a great one you will wish had done years ago

Original poster
User2410 · 27/01/2017 09:29

How the f do I take back the sad message I sent him in the middle of the night asking if he wants to take a weekend some time just me and him to try and start a fresh and get to know each other again. Obviously he hasn't answered and now I look like a first class mug.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 27/01/2017 09:30

Just a quick note of solidarity- my husband did a very similar thing. I was his first, he was totally in love...then got confidence and decided he wanted to 'try new things' (men, in his case). So, it's shit but you need to throw him back into the pool. See how far his new 'confidence' takes him when there's no back up waiting at home!

Offred · 27/01/2017 09:33

Yes it is a blessing in disguise.

He is clearly an immature man child who just says things to manipulate you whether it is 'I love you more than you know' or 'you forced me to have a baby'...

EweAreHere · 27/01/2017 09:34

Oh honey, just delete it if you can.

It takes two to want to be in a marriage, and he doesn't want to be in your marriage.

Would you want your DD treated this way when she grows up? Do you want your DS to treat women this way when he grows up? I highly doubt it.

Set an example for them, and find some dignity and tell him to go. He doesn't deserve you, and he doesn't deserve them. Don't let him be their role model.

Huskylover1 · 27/01/2017 09:36

Another waste of space that will fit nicely in in the police force

What a vile comment.

Makes me wonder why me and DH have laid our lives on the line, umpteen times to protect the public.

Op, I know what the training is like. Very intense and you do make life long friends. But let me tell you, once the training is over, he will be deployed to a different station to this woman and their paths won't cross again. He will also be deluged with work and will have to study for his driving course. He will be attending difficult calls and having to think on his feet. Probably regularly fighting with people (literally). I strongly suspect that he will want to come home at this point.

Not helpful, sorry, but just giving you a heads up on how I think this is going to pan out.

TheAntiBoop · 27/01/2017 09:48

I know you are feeling sad but I think you need to channel some anger - on your behalf and on your kids behalf.

From what you have said about him making working difficult it sounds like your life will be easier without him. Use these five months of forced separation to build your own life. I guarantee you will find you are happier and have no interest in having him back.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2017 09:50

Husky, I have no problem with the men and women on our front line week in week out. Not everybody thinks like some on this thread

This man is a dick because he is wired that way. Nothing to do with his choice of profession.

And op...you are certainly acting and talking like a first class mug at the moment. All that will do for you is attract more of the same disrespect.

RedTitsMcGinty · 27/01/2017 09:54

Oh OP. My heart breaks for you because my exH spouted similar crap about me ruining his life. Flowers
I fucking didn't, though. And neither did you. This is a selfish man refusing to take responsibility for the choices he willingly made. And because he regrets his choice (and the grass is always greener) he tries to blame you for it so he doesn't have to blame himself.

I know how much it hurts when someone tells you that your marriage has been a lie. But it wasn't. At some point they meant it and wanted it. They just rewrite the backstory to justify their appalling behaviour.

My exH told me I was to blame for his terrible unhappiness (which he never told me about though apparently he'd been unhappy for two years). He implied it was my fault I got pregnant (he was definitely there so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to have done that alone) and he retrospectively decided he didn't want children. He told me our marriage was inevitably going to end. Coincidentally I then found out he was fucking someone else and had been for some time... Angry

It hurts like hell but he's already telling you he doesn't give a shit about your feelings so stay strong. I got my happy ending: my divorce is through and DD and I have a content and lovely life without an asshole in it. It was a painful process but our quality of life (and my own self-esteem) is drastically better. Lean on your friends - the ones who know you are worth so much more than this.

Good luck.

Peregrane · 27/01/2017 10:12

What a horrible situation to be in :flowers:
But I agree with all the other posters. You will have a very unhappy marriage if you stay in this and it sounds like you'd be better off single than with this tosser.

May I suggest in the gentlest possible ways to also look at your self-respect? You accept him watching a film with a colleague "to be polite" instead of coming home to you and the kids. Why is being "polite" to her more important than being polite to YOU - never mind his responsibilities as a family member in your household and father to your children? You are behaving like a doormat and he is wiping his feet on you (which is not to say that you are to blame for enabling him to be a tosser - he is fully responsible for acting like an immature, exploitative, hurtful twat).

And think of what these behaviours are modelling for your children.

Newbrummie · 27/01/2017 10:14

husky I do think the forces attract a certain type which probably does the reputation of most police officers no good at all. Just my experience of knowing/dating a few

Triplesalco · 27/01/2017 10:36

I could've written this 12 years ago.

you are worth so much more. I promise you it will get better.

Talk to as many people as you can, he wants you quiet and sentient, waiting for him.
He is acting like a child, treat him like one. Talk to his parents, ask if they will help you with the children to ensure a smooth relationship after you divorce.
Go to a solicitor.

Tell your neighbours, friends. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I look back now and laugh at how stupid he was.
In my case, her dad stopped her seeing him. He blamed me for everything. I don't care.
The kids are amazing. Giving them a happy, loving home is all that matters.

He has fucked his life up. Not you.

Jaysis · 27/01/2017 10:43

How the f do I take back the sad message I sent him in the middle of the night asking if he wants to take a weekend some time just me and him to try and start a fresh and get to know each other again. Obviously he hasn't answered and now I look like a first class mug.

You don't take it back.

You send a follow up text that you now know that he is absolutely unwilling to try to save the marriage after his lack of response to your last lifeline offer last night (or whatever way you want to word it).
Then go make an appointment with a solicitor.

With regards to your sister - its easy for her to advise you to turn a blind eye. By being the strong woman who stands up for herself and saying "I'm worth more than this" you are by default making her look weak. But her choices for her relationship are hers. Yours are yours. And you cant make your decision based on what your sister did. You need to make your decision based on what is best for you, and what best for your children.

Another point to consider - you've said that your H has had a lot to adjust to over the last few years with the babies coming along etc and that you need to be kind and understanding towards him because of it. Well, err, didn't YOU also have a lot to adjust to?? You carried those babies, you are the one that is parenting them, the one who went from perhaps working full time with no commitments to always having to put your children first. You are the one having the cups of tea going cold or eating cold dinners and not being able to shite without an audience.
Where is his kindness and understanding towards you for all that you had to adjust to in the last few years?

So that kindness and understanding you want to give, give it to someone worthy of it. Give it to you.

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 10:44

Got some real gems in force round here list of crimes is endless over last year alone

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 10:46

You deffinately need end with this guy find someone that's decent and caring and not self centred,once you end it you'll realise you should have years ago

PollytheDolly · 27/01/2017 10:47

How the f do I take back the sad message I sent him in the middle of the night asking if he wants to take a weekend some time just me and him to try and start a fresh and get to know each other again. Obviously he hasn't answered and now I look like a first class mug.

Send the one I suggested and pretend you never sent the sad message. Rewrite history, like he does.

Carollocking · 27/01/2017 10:49

Totally agree pretend you never even wrote it and begin from now with new life plans

Silentplikebath · 27/01/2017 10:50

User, you sent him a message because he has messed with your head. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel a mixture of sadness, confusion and anger. You are not a mug and it won't have done any harm to make it clear to him that he has hurt you. You can move on from this and still take action to end the marriage officially.

Start communicating with everyone that can help you through this divorce and ignore him.

Trustyourself2 · 27/01/2017 11:06

At the end of our relationship, my xP told me that he hadn't wanted to be with me for many years, but then went on to contradict himself. He also told me that the problems we'd had in our relationship were my fault, which obviously devastated me, and made me feel like the worst person on earth. He has since told me that he got it wrong and realises that he's to blame for most of the problems we had, and wasn't even sure that he'd made the right decision in leaving me. Too late, as that ship has sailed.

People say many things as a means of self comfort/reassurance. Don't let him fool you or make you think you've done something wrong, when you haven't.

Good luck to you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/01/2017 11:16

You said upthread he is honest even if it's painful.
Don't project your values onto him. He is self-serving and even as he bails out tries to make it your fault.

I suspect even before DC2 arrived you were essentially the default parent.
During your second pregnancy he was less than supportive.
With DC2, the egotist in him might have momentarily thought oh a son, a mini-me! and for a while seemed enthused but he couldn't hack it.

Single parenting is hard but you will feel happier to have control of your life than to wait for 'D'H to mess around for 5 months and beyond, keeping you on tenterhooks.

As for DSis yes she will urge you to take him back, whatever, whenever, because then she won't feel so bad about her choices.