Husband wants to sleep with other women.

[User2410]

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

Police training college is a massive shagathon. I'd say he has tasted the shagathon environment and likes it. It's almost like reliving your youth. I would also say if he is like this now then shift is also a shagathon so things will not change when he gets into uniform. Yes some cops are faithful. A massive amount arnt. Don't waste your live waiting to be hurt. Ditch him now.

You are teaching your daughter and son this is what a man does he can go stick his penis in other women and all is fine. Is this what you want from your daughter and son?

"Ask him how his proposed behaviour fits with the College of Policing code of ethics"

The Police have a code of ethics?! I guess that's probably there so they know what to do - the exact opposite of whatever it says.

My best mate's fiancé joined the police and within months - probably weeks - of finishing training she was shagging the older Sergeant she shared a patrol car (not to mention everything else) with.

OP - get rid of this guy. He's clearly just intent on shagging his way through the next 5 months. Why on earth would you settle for that?

Marriage isn't always going to be the same as when you started out, I think people lose the initial excitement then start to panic. But he loves you and obviously is conflicted as to whether he should be acting how he is.
I would query how much he respects women full stop. So he gets 5 months with his colleague, meeting her parents, pretty much relationship stuff. But when the training ends he's going to say oh sorry going back to my wife and children now.
He's a total arse. I'm really sorry to say that.
You need to ask yourself, are you comfortable being in a situation where he uses other women for sex, then comes home like nothing has happened.
It's ultimately your call, I really feel for you as it's a nasty shock, but at the same time are you thinking is this a blip maybe, something he needs to get out of his system? After this married life will continue as normal?
Or will there always be these periods where he wants to sack off the responsibility of being a grown man and live like a teenager, acting how he wants?
He's being selfish to you and the other woman involved. Maybe it's just me, but if I knew anything about her I'd be in two minds whether to ask what is he calling this situation you are in?

He has emotionally cheated. He has deceived you. He went to her home before yours. He has told you on his cowardly way your marriage is over.

Stop dishonour in yourself.

Take charge

End ut

DishonourING yourself.

Take responsibility for your mental and emotional health and your children's.

Plan a holiday fir something to look fir ward to after you've kicked him to the kerb. See a therapist

I can't also get over your Sisters response! Wtf? Is she us always so deluded?

Saying you're afraid of tipping him into saying it's over is you taking responsibility for something that absolutely isn't your fault. He probably wants you to so that he can blame you since he's too cowardly to make a clean break himself. You can't tiptoe around thinking if you say the wrong thing he will leave, what kind of relationship would that be?

OP "I know I shouldn't wanna be with someone who doesn't whole heartedly want to be with me anyway but I love him and can't bring myself to imagine a life where he has another woman."

What do you love about him?

"His confidence has soared since we first met so I spose I knew this would happen one day,"

How your confidence gone down or up whil ebeing with him?

"I've not felt safe for and bout 3years. But now I'm not with him I feel even more unsafe"

I am so sorry you feel like this but I do hope this will be temporary, in that you will move on with your life.

"I can't make him come home. Even for the kids. He just resents this life he has even if he feels guilty about it. I'm going to tell him that this isn't acceptable and I won't wait around whilst he shags every new recruit."

Very wise.

Whats your history, you said

"When he was being horrible during my pregnancy there were goings on with a PT at the gym. Refused to stop going there. He swore blind that he hasn't cheated and I believed that he hadn't physically cheated at nd then she moved to Australia..."

"Says he knows that I could meet a new man and have someone else bring up his kids. He doesn't really do much of that anyway." So he doesn't do much with the kids and is happy for someone else to bring them up, quite the prince among men!

Yes, leaf I was ready to post that too. I was going to say I thought OP maybe a bit young to remember this song but here goes...

OP please write down what you love about him and why, and what you don't like and why. It might help you to see how things are and how they got where they are.

Don't forget to include the things you may have given up to enable him to change career or whatever.

Thinking of you.

Never realised that about that song.

OP what exactly are you scared of or do you feel unsafe about? Is it connected to his 'power' you talk about?

OP it doesn't matter if he has physically cheated on you yet. Don't focus on that.

Your marriage is over. He knows it, he assumes you know it too. He doesn't expect you to wait 5 months. Who would?

OP you are being treated like a door matt. Please leave him. I know that is a scary thing to consider but this isnt some kind of competition. He married you and if he doesnt want you, you cant wait or hope he choses you as the prize eventually. Leave him.

I think you should set aside a day and play that song over and over and over again. It is your situation precisely, with hopefully the same ending.

Im always trying to be understanding. And think that he is the one who has had to adjust so much and I'm lucky he didn't leave me when I found out I was pregnant. But the fact is he felt lucky to have me back then. Am I so wrong thinking this way because everyone around me is basically saying be patient he will come back. And that sometimes affairs end up fine because my sister and her husband have had a few affairs and have come up stronger for it

Yes you are completely wrong. Your sisters marriage is not yours.

Because I have no proof only.my gut feeling which tells me hasn't actually cheated on me

He shouldn't have to actually cheat before you tell him its over because it already is and as much as it will hurt you its time to bring things to a close and tell him to go.

I have a friend like you op. Her charming handsome dh slept around and flirted throughout their 20 year marriage, she always took him back as she loved him so much and would rather have a bit of him than nothing at all.

Until her lovely dh met an ow in her 20s, he was late 40s and got her pregnant. She finally separated from him 6 months ago as she realised she was being so badly treated that she was being a poor role model to her dc.

No man respects a woman who lets him shag around, he'll be nice to you to keep you sweet but wants you to be a doormat and keep doing his laundry and look after his kids.

No man who truly loves and respects his wife would treat her as badly as this. It's because you are too nice, kind and understanding which is why he is being so selfish, unkind and disrepectful. You are enabling him to be like that, just like how my friend was, she never drew a line as to what was unacceptable with him.

Until she could see how emotionally it destroyed her dc.

I very much doubt that your sister's relationship is stronger as a result of the cheating.

I want to know if he's stringing me along but I'm worriEd if I push him for an answer I will push him into saying it's over.

He's stringing you along.

Tell him to take a long hard look at you, his kids, his home and tell him he can keep all of it or he can shag his colleague, can't have both

Well, I don't know how much this helps, but...

I have a sister a lot like you, OP. She was with the same guy from when she was 18, they had five children and in the course of their marriage he cheated on her several times and they separated more than once. He even brought home a few STIs.

She finally had enough when he was going for "walks" with a "friend," and, from text messages and other investigations, she discovered it was just the same pattern and if he wasn't already shagging the friend he would be soon. So she dumped him, in spite of the times she'd taken him back, the times he'd promised he'd change, and the worry she had about trying to raise the children on her own or how they might react not having their dad around.

Now she's engaged to another man, who treats her wonderfully, is involved with the children and, above all, makes them all happy. She has joy etched on her face. The kids are all happier. Her ex sees them some weekends, but even then a couple of them ask to come home early because he's short tempered and mean and they want to be with their mum and her new partner.

Like my sister, I think you deserve better. If he needs to "find himself" in another woman's... embrace, you don't need that. There may come a time he realises he's made a massive mistake and comes back to you asking for another chance. That will be entirely your decision. You have the power to take control of the situation and make it good for you and your children.

Good luck :)

i suspect you will stick by him and let him carry on.
its very sad to see that women still choose to put up with men like this in this day an age.
you'll become what's known as the "long suffering wife" so i guess you get to join the ranks of women such as Hilary Clinton, Hazel Hawke and Jackie Kennedy etc.
best of luck to you.

Don't push him for an answer.

Tell him it's over.
Take control.

You have plenty of reason. Try telling anyone that you gave him the push because he wanted "a break" to shag around. That is a perfectly acceptable reason AND you are being a good role model for the children.

He's already given you your answer op.you just need to hear it.
Please stop being taken in by his self serving nice guy act, and see him for what he is- a man who fancies shagging about a bit, has probably done so already, and who doesn't care really about you, other than to maintain his own image of himself as a good person.
You are better than this situation and there is no early reason why you would accept it.

Op, you've been walking on eggshells for 3 years. Imagine how much better you will feel (eventually) when it's not your responsibility to wonder what he's up to all the time.

All you need to say is ""Fine, dear sweet loving husband of mine. You go dip your wick elsewhere for five months but know that there are consequences to your choice.

1. I'll be divorcing you and you'll be paying for it.

1. I'll cite adultery with an 18 year old colleague and it won't just be her dad whose upset about it.

1. In fact, given your job, your boss may wish to investigate whether any of your actions have been professionally inappropriate or jeopardised any investigations.

1. The children and I will keep the house and everything in it. I'll decide what you get to keep. In fact, I'll change the locks the minute you're gone and won't be giving you a set of keys.

1. You'll be giving me your police pension and you'll sign over your death in service benefits to the children.

1. You'll become a weekend dad (at best, given your shifts) and will have to fit around our timetable.

1. I will be completely straight with anyone who asks me what's going on, including your family and friends. I won't hold back on any of the details. I will also inform and regularly update the wider world and your friends of your antics via the means of social media.

1. I categorically will not be here when you decide that you'd like to come back again. In fact, I may well have found a better, more loving, kind and considerable partner by then actually values, cares for and cherishes not only me but also the children.

1. Any communication from now onwards is through my solicitor.

10. I'm going to get STI tested. If the results show anything that shouldn't be there at all, I shall be holding you responsible and will publish the details all over social media so all your family and friends can see what you've done as a result of a selfish desire to get your end off with a younger woman.

Lots of love from your adoring wife xxx"

Then see if he still wants to play the field.

He sounds absolutely awful, OP, so sorry you're going through this. There are much better men out there. Xxx

Would you want him to stay and not play the field if all that was keeping him there was the threat of loosing everything?
He just doesn't love you and that's why he has to go