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Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/01/2017 21:01

OP, you need to tell this loser to jog on.
Don't be a doormat, otherwise he will continue to wipe his dirty feet all over you. Value yourself, you deserve, and can have, so very much more.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 21:02

Yes he'll have a parade in the summer and I've been thinking about that and how I've supported him for so long with every career change he's gone for and how I won't be going to that. Wrong way of looking at it i guess.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/01/2017 21:02

Look, no you can't make him see the kids if he doesn't want to. Unfortunately for them.

I can however guarantee you that he doesn't feel guilty. Not someone who CBA raising his own DC.

He feels resentful that he doesn't get to do what he wants (as I imagine you did falling PG 3 months in) but he just decided that he is not going to step up. His attitude to marriage and DC is that you have made him do it and he has less than zero respect for you and resents you. He thinks women are responsible for his happiness.

Just let him go.

I guarantee someone who behaves like this and thinks like this is going to both be miserable and make people around him miserable. So, if he doesn't want to see the children they are likely to be better off without him. Just wait for the Facebook posts on Father's Day all saying what a great dad he is when he hasn't seen them in months... the only reason he wants to keep you on a string and probably the only reason he even married you was because of how he would look to other people...

Emboo19 · 26/01/2017 21:03

Hmm, I've only ever been with my boyfriend, wonder if he'd be ok with me having a few months to connect with other men!! I imagine it would be a HELL NO!!!
You need to tell him straight Op, he goes he goes for good! No way back home!
If not even if he comes back after 5 months, what's to stop him needing another few months later on? Everytime someone else catches his eye, he'd be wanting a few months to connect!!
That's not how a committed realationship works.
As others have said sort out finances and contact.
You deserve so much better.

Miserylovescompany2 · 26/01/2017 21:04

So he puts you on PAUSE for 5 months while he pokes all and sundry? He wants to remain friends during this time...

WTAF? Has he had a knock to the head that's given him selective amnesia re his marriage commitment to you OP?

I'd be getting myself some legal advice forthwith.

Wish him the gift of disease..goodbye and good riddance THE END.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/01/2017 21:04

Just posted what I think on your other thread. You really deserve better.

Mix56 · 26/01/2017 21:04

You know this is bollox.ut he doesn't love you.
If he comes back now, he will do it again.
Sorry, cut your losses as soon as possible, tell hime to fuck the fuck off now, before he destroys your entire self worth.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 21:07

I think u are right about appearances. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy and is trying to sugar coat everything he says. I know I deserve better than being someone's 2nd option.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/01/2017 21:08

I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

Do you know that the actual truth of this is 'I have been shagging around for the whole relationship, now I have met someone else I want to actually be with'?

Trifleorbust · 26/01/2017 21:08

WTAF? Has he had a knock to the head that's given him selective amnesia re his marriage commitment to you OP?

This. On glue?

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 21:08

OP I think you've got the gist from us now.

What are you going to do? Flowers

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:09

with added 'but I want to keep up the fake family and have you ready to take me back if the OW turns out to be less of a mug'

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:10

I think you need to get ragingly angry TBH...

mummc2 · 26/01/2017 21:14

Wow just read all the posts and I really feel for you. I would definitely speak to him and make it clear you are not willing to be messed around anymore it's over - contact everyone you need to and then just concentrate on you and the kids. Make it clear that he is their father and should have contact with them but if he doesn't want to don't force it any further the kids will make their own opinions as they grow up about him.
Start your life over without him see how much easier it becomes without all the stress and enjoy spending time as a new family of three xx

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:15

And he will have gone round to meet OW's parents for the first time having been introduced as her new BF. He will have told her all the usual - dead marriage, you are a horrible vindictive bitch who stops him seeing his kids, you are living together but separated for ages/no sex and she, as someone who is barely an adult and ten years younger, will not have/have had the first clue about the mountain of shit that she is getting involved in.

GabsAlot · 26/01/2017 21:17

op hes already cheated-its obvious-he likes it and want to leave but just incase it doesnt work out he wants u to leave the door open

all this we had an issue with a teacher and hes left before is screaming out at me-hes a passive agreesive arsehole

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 21:18

That's my problem I can never be angry like when I read the messages my first response was to run. So I did I just left .so he tends to get away with alot. But I'm going to tell him that he can sling his 5 months.

OP posts:
sickophant · 26/01/2017 21:18

the highest divorce rate is in the police force!

how very sad for you all, for you, for the kids. He sounds immature, and unfortunately even if you say yes, it measn he knows he can do it again. I would say it's the end.

Carollocking · 26/01/2017 21:18

Tell him get on with it via text while your changing the locks and filing the divorce papers

HyacinthsBucket · 26/01/2017 21:19

OP he's already replaced you. In his head, your marriage is done and he's trying to make himself out to be a good person by saying he needs a break. He doesn't want a break, he wants an 18 year old who hangs onto his every word and looks at him like he's some sort of God. You and your children have gone right down to the bottom of his list of priorities already. He goes to her home before yours?! WTF. I'm so sorry you're in this position, but you need to get angry, get legal advice and kick his sorry arse out the front door. You and your kids are worth far more and you know that.

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 21:20

But I'm going to tell him that he can sling his 5 months

Good. Do it sooner rather than later. Keep us posted. Loads of support here, obviously Wink

Carollocking · 26/01/2017 21:21

Even more worrying is such a scumbag is joining the police,not as though they need any more like him

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:21

Not being able to get angry is a bad sign TBH. You would probably benefit a lot from some therapy looking at that.

LadyVampire · 26/01/2017 21:23

He wants to keep you as a safety net essnetially. He wants to experience the sleeping around and then when he gets bored/ unsuccessful he wants to go back to your marriage.

I wouldn't stay. Your choice OP but he can't just take time whenever he's horny.

NicolaMarlowsMerlin · 26/01/2017 21:23

Well done, you've come to a better place. But don't let him off the hook either. Schedule a meeting to talk about how you will manage your assets and support the children, when he will take them, how much he owes you for their costs etc. he doesn't get to just walk away.