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Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 26/01/2017 20:30

hello my love, I remember your other thread and what struck me was the incompatibility ito wanting dc and your second child iirc.

He can't just say he wants to see if this other person works out for him, which is exactly what he means.
He wants you on stand by just in case.
You are worth so much more than this, what sort of loving husband does or even suggests something like this.
Tell him to sod off and get your life how you want it with somebody who actually cares for you.

The incompatibility and his wandering penis should be enough for you to ltb tbh. So sorry it's turned out like this Thanks

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 26/01/2017 20:31

Of course you shouldn't let your kids anywhere near the little tart!

Hang on a minute, this girl hasn't even done anything as far as we know! It's not OK to call a perfectly innocent 18 year old a "little tart". And even if they have slept together already, OP's husband is the one who is married and has a family. This girl is only barely an adult. Just imagine if that was your daughter someone was talking that way about.

but I forget that he's a man

OP, there are plenty of wonderful, loyal, loving husbands and fathers out there. He isn't behaving this way because he's a man. He's doing it because he's an arsehole. He sounds like a total waste of space. Regardless of how happy (or not) your marriage is right now, he should be racing home on the weekends to see his children, not staying away for weeks at a time to "revise".

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:31

I'm trying so hard to text him he's being nice and that makes it difficult. He wants us to remain friends if after the 5 months he still feels the same but I feel so betrayed and abandoned I definitely shouldn't even let him have 5 months!! He's obviously waiting for a bit of stuff to come along. Yeah I have heard police affairs are rife especially during initial training. I want to clarify what's going on is he really going to sleep with other people because if so marriage is over. His most usual response is I think I just need time hmm.

OP posts:
PuppetInParadize · 26/01/2017 20:32

BTW i was only suggesting waiting for the money side of things. I assume pay goes up after initial training. But you need legal advice asap and for him to sling his hook.

iklboo · 26/01/2017 20:32

Isn't this the 'plot' of A Little Time by the Beautiful South? The woman realised how strong she was in that & binned the sad fucker bloke off at the end. You can do that too OP. You & your children are better off without him.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 26/01/2017 20:33

What happens once he has formed this 'connection'? Is he going to come back home afterwards and where does the 18 year old fit into the picture then? It's going to suck to be her too. She could be out dating and having a great time with her friends, instead she gets to have sex with some married lech and relive his lost youth with him which will probably not involve marriage, children, or commitment. Sounds not a lot of fun to me.

If the connection doesn't work out he's going to return until he spots someone else he wants to form a 'connection' with, so you'll have this to look forward to over and over again.

And being a man has nothing to do with shagging around on his wife. Being a sleazeball does.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 26/01/2017 20:34

Of course he wants to be friends. He wants everything on his own terms.

Would you be friends on somebody who ditches their wife for a chance to shag an 18 year old? No.

He is not your friend. He is not a good husband.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 26/01/2017 20:34

That's not what love is.

Frouby · 26/01/2017 20:34

Tell him to go connect with his mothers sofa or spare room. Like, tonight.

Then tomorrow you connect to a solicitor, CSA or whatever it's called (make sure you have his national insurance number) and also the tax credits number.

Claim all you are entitled to while you sort yourself out. Sort your financial stuff out ASAP and then you won't struggle as much later down the line.

And as for him wanting to be single then let him. He may or may not regret it. But don't you regret not being in control while you still can.

Even if you get through this I would say he will.either have a string of affairs or leave you eventually anyway. And how can you trust him now ever again?

You will be fine I promise. Being a single parent isn't easy. But it's easier to be a single parent than live with a wankerbastard.

Backt0Black · 26/01/2017 20:35

OP, it might be hard and it might hurt..... but its going to in the long run anyway..... muster up any pride you have,and any self respect, oh - and any desire not to have your children set such an AWFUL example, and get rid.

Offred · 26/01/2017 20:35

He has told you he is intending to have sex with other people already.

He even has one lined up and may well already have cheated - that may have been what has been up for your whole relationship, he has been cheating the whole time which is why he has always had one foot in and one foot out. Now he is just telling you what he is like because he feels safe due to you having proven what a doormat he can make of you.

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 20:36

I'm trying so hard to text him he's being nice and that makes it difficult. He wants us to remain friends if after the 5 months he still feels the same but I feel so betrayed and abandoned I definitely shouldn't even let him have 5 months!! He's obviously waiting for a bit of stuff to come along. Yeah I have heard police affairs are rife especially during initial training. I want to clarify what's going on is he really going to sleep with other people because if so marriage is over. His most usual response is I think I just need time hmm.

Jesus wept.

He's being nice? He's keeping you as a fall back.

Tell him to fuck off, seriously.

IdaDown · 26/01/2017 20:36

Make sure he has the children alternate weekends and half the time too when he's not on shift. *AndShe'sGone

^^ This is not about retaliation, but the sooner you, him and the kids get into a settled routine the better.

The quicker he realises what is involved with being a single parent, the better. Not 5 months of 'space' or whatever else crap he's peddling.

Better for you, either for work and/or social life. Better than sitting staring at 4 walls and childcare 24/7 wondering if he's coming home.

Unhappy for 2 years - my arse.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:37

Yeah u all have such valid points. My sister thinks that maybe a separation is best let him shag about and do what he missed when he was young. That's wrong isn't it? That's not a marriage. I've been surrounded by so much infidelity that it seems to have become the normal but I don't want a life like that. The fact he's considering other women is so wrong . As far as things go we have been having minimal contact via text where he has been asking how I am and the kids. I think he wants it to stay like this for 5 months

OP posts:
owlmug · 26/01/2017 20:37

Of course he's being nice, he wants to buy your time. They're always 'nice' Hmm He's fully aware what he said is hurting you and that you're still hurting and thinking about it. He's worried you're going to leave before he's found out if the grass is greener or not. Get out and don't play along to his cuntish script.

IAmALeafOnTheWindWatchHowISoar · 26/01/2017 20:39

FWIW I'd tell him to do one. I'd also make sure that he had the kids everyother weekend and he paid maintenance.

BToperator · 26/01/2017 20:39

He is behaving like a complete arse! Does he really expect you to wait around, and see if he still wants you after he's had 5 months of shagging around? I hope you are not going to give him the option.

Empress13 · 26/01/2017 20:40

Theresabluebird - sorry but an 18 year old ( who is an adult btw as can legally be married) having an affair with a married man knows exactly what she's doing, breaking up a home where kids are involved so I stand by my opinion that she is a little tart !

memyselfandaye · 26/01/2017 20:40

Tell him to fuck off. You do have some pride don't you?

If I was being harsh I would tell you to stop being so wet.

Oh and get an STI check.

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 20:40

Yeah u all have such valid points. My sister thinks that maybe a separation is best let him shag about and do what he missed when he was young. That's wrong isn't it? That's not a marriage. I've been surrounded by so much infidelity that it seems to have become the normal but I don't want a life like that. The fact he's considering other women is so wrong . As far as things go we have been having minimal contact via text where he has been asking how I am and the kids. I think he wants it to stay like this for 5 months

Separation to let him shag?

I'm losing the will to live here. Of course it's bloody wrong. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Honestly OP. Get rid now. This is nothing but a mess and heartache for you.

Offred · 26/01/2017 20:40

Look, how likely do you think it is that he has been faithful for your relationship given that he definitely sees shagging other people as the solution to all his problems?

Not very would be my guess...

Plus IME/O men like this who plan babies and then spend the pregnancy being horrible are often like that because they are cheating...

Bubblysqueak · 26/01/2017 20:40

It sounds like he's going to be spending the next 5 months sleeping around looking for somebody better (grass is always greener ) then if he can't find anyone it doesn't matter as you'll be waiting for him.

Please get rid you deserve so much better! Flowers

0dfod · 26/01/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Empress13 · 26/01/2017 20:41

OP you might want to tell your deluded sister that you don't want an STI or worse ! Is she for real !!!

Silentplikebath · 26/01/2017 20:42

You don't want to be married to someone who is happy to even think about sleeping with another woman and you know that he's already met someone else. He's told you that he isn't going to come home at weekends and he doesn't want to be with you. It's sad but it means that your marriage is over. You have to listen to what he is telling you. 5 months is long enough to complete an uncomplicated divorce and it will be much easier to move forward with him away from your home so you should start looking for a solicitor.