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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
derxa · 26/01/2017 21:25

Honestly sometimes I read threads on here that don't ring true. but this one does. Please get rid of him. Who does he think he is? Revolting man.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 26/01/2017 21:26

I'm another with the reply that you should tell him to fuck off. You deserve better.

gillybeanz · 26/01/2017 21:28

Sounds like he's choosing the right career, pig by nature and occupation then.
He says a weight has been lifted, tell him likewise as you don't have to pretend he's a decent human being anymore.
I'd contact her parents too, because the girl will need their support, they might even talk her out of it, may not even know he's married.
It wouldn't surprise me if their dd hadn't told them.
Tell family and friends what a scum bag he is and get ready to ltb.

MegaClutterSlut · 26/01/2017 21:31

He sounds like a vile shit. Tell him to go fuck himself. It's going to hurt like hell at first but in time you will realise it's the best thing you've ever done. You deserve someone who only wants you Flowers

ive been with DH for 17 years and My DH has only ever been with me, if he ever suggested such a thing, I'd be wearing his balls as earrings

LadyLapsang · 26/01/2017 21:33

Ask him how his proposed behaviour fits with the College of Policing code of ethics; also, what about conflict of interests if he is embarking on a relationship with a colleague.

ems137 · 26/01/2017 21:34

gilly Haha I love that!! Pig by nature and occupation 😂

I'm sorry OP but you really deserve better than for you and your children to be dumped for a whole 5 MONTHS whilst he forgets about you. I assume he hasn't mentioned seeing his children because he must be so busy?!

You need to start looking at this as a great opportunity for you to move on and be happy. You said yourself you've not felt safe for 3 years. I can promise you with everything I've got that you'll be happier without the constant stress and worry of what this LOSER is up to.

BarryTheKestrel · 26/01/2017 21:36

Get rid OP. Do not put up with this shit. You are better than this and deserve better than this. If he doesn't want to be with you and give you the love and respect you deserve, tell him to sling his hook.

VegoMum · 26/01/2017 21:37

I don't even know why you are entertaining the thought of tolerating this "mans" 5 months shag-a-thon. Look, he thinks you are a doormat and he doesn't love you. He knows you will be there after five months waiting for him like an idiot, hence why he is treating you like this. Tell this "man" to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more and gather some self respect woman!

rosabug · 26/01/2017 21:43

mmmm. Easy to say kick him to the kerb - doesn't help the OP with her very real dilemma. He is been a selfish childish git. He does want to have his cake and eat it. I say this - play the long game. Let him go for his 'break', screw this other woman. But don't let him come back till he understands what he has nearly lost. In that space - you work on yourself, learn to understand you have power and are not a doormat. You may not want him back. Then he'll be weeping on the doorstep.

Trifleorbust · 26/01/2017 21:50

Good! Well done.

DearMrDilkington · 26/01/2017 21:52

Please leave him. Ring a solicitor in the morning and get the divorce ball rolling. Focus on yourself and your children for the moment and ignore every text he sends you unless it's regarding the children.

You deserve someone that thinks the sun shines out of your arse and adores you. You'll look back one day and wonder what the hell you saw in him. You'll be the one who grows old with a loyal partner and children/grandchild who adore you, while he'll be the selfish lonely old man who choose sex over his family and is stuck dealing with the consequences of it all.

Your the winner here, not him. WineFlowers

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:54

He won't be weeping IMO...

And he only wants the OP if she is prepared to be a doormat. That is the only thing he is interested in - having someone to make him feel good about himself and he is thinking he will hedge his bets if OW turns out to have more self esteem.

If the OP even remotely contemplates 'waiting' he will be coming home 'to see the kids' everytime they have an argument and trying it on - throwing in a few 'I love you but I just don't know what I wants' everytime he deems it necessary to keep her hooked... and she'll be buying exciting underwear and doing things in bed to try and entice him to come home and it will gradually steal the remaining fragments of her self esteem.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 21:54

Well this is my question. How do play it. Because I have no proof only.my gut feeling which tells me hasn't actually cheated on me...yet. so do I tell him that he can fuck off and shag whoever he likes because the marriage is over. Or do I take his words for real- he doesn't know what he wants. Isit fair for someone to not know what they want? I will make sure that no matter what happens I focus on my self and my babies. Stay strong and feeling my best. Keep busy and everything else.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/01/2017 21:57

You have all the proof you need.

He makes you feel like shit with his comings and goings and inappropriate relationships with other women and his ridiculous thinking that he can come home to shag you once in a while for 5 months while he tests the waters with his GF.

DearMrDilkington · 26/01/2017 21:58

Just tell him not to return after the 5 months. What he said about sleeping with other woman and how his been with his colleague is more than enough reason to end it.

How old are your children?

Offred · 26/01/2017 21:58

All he he to do is tell you how confused he is and how difficult he is finding it and he will be upstairs in bed with you and leaving to go back to her bed the very next day. And you will feel worse than you do now.

DearMrDilkington · 26/01/2017 21:58

And I'm afraid I'm 90% sure his already slept with that 18yr old. Get an sti check done as well.

Offred · 26/01/2017 22:00

What I would do is have divorce papers served ASAP to wherever he is staying and never speak to him ever again about anything apart from divorce and arrangements for the dc.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 22:00

You tell him quite plainly that the marriage is over so henis free to find that connection that he has already found. You don't need proof he has cheated. He wants yoyr permission to do it, whether you five it or not he is going to cheat so bin him first and have some self respect in the process.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 22:03

It's coz he's always been honest even if it's something bad. And because he always seems to have a big conscience like hes told me things before that he hasn't needed to. My daughter is 5 and son is 2. My daughter is pretty aware aswell and keeps coming out with things like 'daddy is never ever ever ever coming home'. He rings them a few times a week.

OP posts:
Offred · 26/01/2017 22:08

The best liars and headworkers operate like that.

Of course there is a chance he hasn't had sex with anyone else yet but from what you have said about him I would say it is slim and if he hasn't the ONLY reason would be because he wouldn't like what it said about him, not because he has any respect or love for you.

Plus he is very likely to be one of these 'we are just friends'/kissing isn't cheating/I used a penis enhancing device so we never exchanged body fluids and therefore I didn't cheat Knobheads if so...

FinnMcCool · 26/01/2017 22:08

Make sure you are firm with him about kids contact.
I feel so sad for you OP, but you are a strong woman and even if you don't feel it right now, fake it, and make him believe it.
You'll be better off without him in the long run.
Get a solicitor and a hefty whack of his new take home pay once he has passed his exams.

Tiredmumno1 · 26/01/2017 22:09

Firstly, i am sorry that you are going through this, but as others have said you need to stay strong.

I am going to be a bit blunt (sorry) but he doesn't love you, if he did he would never have put you in this situation. Imagine in 5 months when he comes back home to you, how will you feel? Knowing he has been shagging around, will you need to know every detail of what happened, so you can move forward, or not want to hear any of it. Do you think you could go through that?

What if he does the same thing a couple of years down the line, will you just allow it to happen again? Do you want your children seeing you treated in this way? Where does it end?

I think you know the answer deep down, you just need to pull it to the surface and go forward doing what's best for you and your children.

In other words, tell him not to bother coming back.

Good luck, and stay strong.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 22:09

"Let him go have his cake and eat it"

I think that ship has sailed...

Tiredmumno1 · 26/01/2017 22:11

What advice would you give your dd in 20 years time if she was in the same situation?

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