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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband wants to sleep with other women.

283 replies

User2410 · 26/01/2017 19:47

Hi everybody I'm new to this, had a previous post in a different name but thought it was abit incriminating.
Anyway. I just think I need some pep talks and writing about it helps my anxiety. Basically me and DH have been together 7 years. 4 year wedding anniversary next week and he's just joined the police. He started his initial training last week and on the weekend he returned we had a big row because he had gone round a colleagues on the way home for a cup of tea with her parents instead of coming home to me and his children. I found messages that they'd beend exchanging throughout the week and they were far too flirtatious. And then all of that gets dropped because he says he doesn't want to me with me anymore. That he's been pretending everything is fine for about 2 years when it's not and that he needs this 5 months during training to have some time. So he's asking me for 'time'.
I asked him if he wants to sleep with someone else he said he doesn't want to sleep with loads of people he just wants that connection.

He says he loves me and doesn't know if he's making the right decision but he feels a weight has been lifted. It's all come as a shock and I just want him to come back to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:42

She would have known about me and kids and her messages were so flirty but he is the one that asked her to watch a film with him one night. Apparently to be polite. I must be so gullible but I didn't think he was like this he's acting like he is so conflicted and how hard a decision this is for him to make. Says he knows that I could meet a new man and have someone else bring up his kids. He doesn't really do much of that anyway

OP posts:
Motorheadmum · 26/01/2017 20:44

I feel for you so much, my exh was a bit like this, little by little he destroyed my self confidence and made me feel worthless. One day I had the courage and couldn't put up with any more. It wasn't easy and things didn't improve straight away but a few months later I knew I was right and I was a million times better off.

You will come out much stronger, tell him to be on his way. You will be the one who finds the time works to make you realise what he is.

KitchenNightmare99 · 26/01/2017 20:44

Is he training in Northern Ireland by any chance? Been through this...the studying at the weekend is non existent they spend it in the bar. My DH did this training before we married and turned into a prick his 'new' friends came first. We had only started living together and had no DC. He came home one weekend and I had moved out. It took a year to build the trust up again and that was with no (to the best of my knowledge) cheating. Tell him to do one you deserve better!!!

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 20:46

She would have known about me and kids and her messages were so flirty but he is the one that asked her to watch a film with him one night. Apparently to be polite. I must be so gullible but I didn't think he was like this he's acting like he is so conflicted and how hard a decision this is for him to make. Says he knows that I could meet a new man and have someone else bring up his kids. He doesn't really do much of that anyway

Haha! What a flange he is.

But he is right on one thing....you could meet a (new) REAL man who will bring up his kids (what a shit thing for him to say btw).

I suggest this is your new goal xx

MrsDoylesTeabags · 26/01/2017 20:46

Am I reading this right? He wants 5 months off to fuck around and then come back home all nice and cosy? And in the mean time you're on your own running a house with two kids? And your sister thinks this is a good idea too?
I'm sorry but he's already left you. You need get an STI test quick and then start living your life.

Shnorbitz · 26/01/2017 20:46

OP YOU need to take control of the situation - right now he's dipping his dick where he wants and pulling all the strings.

You do not deserve any of this shit and absolutely should be throwing him out.

How fucking dare he think's he can shag who he wants for the next 5 months whilst you sit patiently waiting ffs.

Get rid now, you will not regret it.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/01/2017 20:47

I would simply send him a text that says 'This is not acceptable to me and therefore I'm ending the relationship. My solicitor will contact you' and then I'd get a shit hot lawyer and sort out my finances and move on with my life.

And I'm talking as someone who did that. Believe me, lovely, my life is so much better now. I ended a 13 year marriage almost 20 years ago and right from the start it was a massive weight off my shoulders. He had wanted 'time' to find himself, we'd separated for six months (and he'd shagged around) and then came back, etc. My only regret is not telling him to fuck off right at the start.

Offred · 26/01/2017 20:48

Says he knows that I could meet a new man and have someone else bring up his kids

Err.... no, they are his kids!!!

He brings them up!!!

I think you really need to stop looking at his sad face and listening to what his words and actions show you.

He doesn't want to be with you. He has dumped you. He is with someone else and he seems to think this means he gets to also dump his kids.

Take him at his word, claim with cms tomorrow, see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings ask him when he is going to see the kids...

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:48

When he was being horrible during my pregnancy there were goings on with a PT at the gym. Refused to stop going there. He swore blind that he hasn't cheated and I believed that he hadn't physically cheated at nd then she moved to Australia and I had my little boy. But yeah ur right and it helps listening to strong women

OP posts:
Ankleswingers · 26/01/2017 20:48

You owe it to yourself and your children to get rid of this wanker.

Be brave and do the right thing.

Tell him to fuck off.

PuppetInParadize · 26/01/2017 20:50

It doesn't really matter if you meet someone else. (I hate this 'you'll meet someone else' stuff.You need to live with yourself first and foremost). But you don't need to stay with this arsehole. As you say, he doesn't do much childcare, so you won't miss that. After a divorce, you might get more time off anyway as he'll want contact time presumably. I can't imagine what kind of man would eb happy for another man to 'bring up his children'. Well, I can guess. Sad

specialsubject · 26/01/2017 20:51

He's not a man. He is an arse.

Jettison. He is already screwing around so get checked.

Sorry.

Offred · 26/01/2017 20:51

You deserve much better. Stop feeling guilty for pushing him into children. He was 50% responsible for that and I would be willing to bet it has just been used as an excuse to keep you from objecting to his years of cheating anyway.

AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 20:52

You do sound pathetic actually

I am appalled you have even entertained this obvious shaggy

Now for fucks sake stop engaging with his sleazy bullshit. And get yourself an sti test. This guy has already been dipping his wick, I guarantee it...now he wants permission after the fact

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:53

I can't make him come home. Even for the kids. He just resents this life he has even if he feels guilty about it. I'm going to tell him that this isn't acceptable and I won't wait around whilst he shags every new recruit. We r down south , but I imagine they're all the same. Join the force get a divorce is one I heard thismorn!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/01/2017 20:53

*shagger

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/01/2017 20:55

Tell him he can have his 5 months. And the rest of the time after that because he is being a piss taking twat. Do you seriously want to be the wife and mother left at home while he feels free to shag around, knowing he can return home after with you having held the fort. Not. Fucking. Way. What a monumental prick. Tell him his 18 year old whose parents he has already met. I doubt he went back with her because they are friends. He's cheating already, he just wants your permission to carry on.

Newbrummie · 26/01/2017 20:56

I'll be honest I dated a policeman last year and one twisted little bunny he was, maybe it's something they put in their tea at training but he was a right tool

PollytheDolly · 26/01/2017 20:57

I can't make him come home. Even for the kids. He just resents this life he has even if he feels guilty about it. I'm going to tell him that this isn't acceptable and I won't wait around whilst he shags every new recruit. We r down south , but I imagine they're all the same. Join the force get a divorce is one I heard thismorn!!

What do you mean you can't make him come home?

You need to turn this around. You are in the position of power here (although you're not feeling it).

Tell him straight OP. You're not waiting around, no, it's over already.

EweAreHere · 26/01/2017 20:58

You should want better for you and your kids.

Your sister should want better for you and your kids.

Kick him to the kerb, but tell him he will be stepping up and parenting his kids every other weekend and at other agreed up on times, such as half of his leave time. You are not the only one responsible for their upbringing, and he's not the only one entitled to time without being responsible for children.

Trifleorbust · 26/01/2017 20:58

OP, this man is treating you like SHITE. Do not tolerate it for a single second longer. Tell him to get to fuck.

Original poster
User2410 · 26/01/2017 20:58

He's gone into that type of job for a reason and it's the control and ego boosting he thinkshe will get. His dad was a sergeant major and he has massive hidden issues there.

OP posts:
PuppetInParadize · 26/01/2017 20:58

Another point to consider. Presumably after the 5 months there's a day at the police college when family get invited to see them get their certificates or whatever. Rather like the police, my DB when he 'graduated' from the fire service college - there had been much shagging around with local women. One guy had his wife and children coming and the local woman (she maybe worked in the college, i don't know). I felt heart sorry for the wife and children. In your situation I'd seriously consider not going to that. You don't need the humiliation.

PuppetInParadize · 26/01/2017 20:59

I meant my DB told me about it. Anyway ....

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 26/01/2017 21:00

Empress unless you've got a crystal ball then you don't know whether this girl has done anything with OP's husband so no, it's still not OK to call her a tart. And do you really think that the average 18 year old is wise enough to see through all of an older man's 'lines'? Because he will (assuming that anything is even going on yet) have told her all sorts of lies about how the marriage is dead etc. etc.