I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

I was told by a doctor during my pregnancy that approximately 20% of births are to couples in which the 'father' is not the real father, unbeknownst to him. Shockingly high stat, right?

Yes, shocking. Also bullshit.

20% of people who seek a DNA test may be found to have a different father. But you can't extrapolate that to mean that a fifth of children are not their father's "real" children.

People tend to only seek a DNA test when there is an element of doubt. Which is hardly representative of the population at large.

Can I ask a genuine question to all those saying they would terminate the pregnancy, even if they weren't sure they wanted to; if the reason you felt you couldn't tell your dh was because you thought he wouldn't believe that you'd been raped - given these circumstances - or that you were in some way to blame, is that a marriage you'd be unwillingly having a termination to protect? I don't know, I mean of course everyone has that choice and there's much more to it than just that one thing, I just don't know... It bears considering.

I have to agree with Epoxy
Would you really want to have four children with a man you can't trust to love and support you through the aftermath of being raped?

I think I would personally terminate (husband the truth, world - miscarriage).

I disagree that it is very unlikely to be your rapists child. It was close enough to your fertile window, and there is research that shows a new (I don't want to use the word partner here) is more likely to lead to conception than a current one. (they actually produce a difference balance of sperm types)

I wouldn't want that risk. I would terminate, take time for yourself without a pregnancy and a newborn around to heal from this awful crime that has been committed against you.

Time enough for a fourth baby when you have prioritised YOU and your husband has proved he is the man you need him to be.

What an impossible situation.

Honestly, I would have had the same thiughts as you - but I don't think I could have gone through with it.

I think you need to tell your husband everything. The termination is your choice, but the lies will only make it harder if it happens.
It sounds like you were raped. Tell him. Tell him the slim chance that the father is the rapist is making you consider a termination.

He may be cross that you were dancing/flirty earlier in the evening. He may be cross that you didn't tell him immediately.

He will be cross that you were carried, too drunk to walk, to another mans bed. He will be furious that the man raped you. But he will not be cross with you! It wasn't your fault! He may agree that a termination is best, he may tell you he will raise the baby as his own regardless - if that's what you want.

No good can come of the lies.

I also think you need to speak to a rape victim helpline urgently - you can't and shouldn't pretend this didn't happen to you.

I think there's some extremely wishful thinking on this thread. It's all very well for the women of mumsnet and indeed the law to state that the op has been raped, imagining that her DP will see it that way is another matter. Presumably his first question will be why didn't she tell him straight away, and his second question will be what else hadn't she told him about.

Blah blah rape myths, educate yourself etc, but this is a man in the middle of a ghastly situation, not a participant on a Channel 4 News panel about rape. This is his wife and what he thought was his baby.

EpoxyResin: Words are cheap. How many people - even those in very strong marriages - would really, wholeheartedly risk this? How many would utterly discount the possibility that their husband would always wonder whether they cheated? This is someone's real life and family, not an experiment to test the strength of a relationship.

I was also coming back to blow that 20% myth but I see AyeAmorak has efficiently done that. It's bollocks.

I think all those who say 'you must tell your DH' need to remember why they're telling their DH; for what, for who's benefit and how much damage the telling will do. There is more than just her DH involved here. OP has 3 and maybe 4 healthy well-adjusted chidren in a reasonable marriage, herself, her adult DH and I suppose a wider circle of family nad friends.
Lets say OP tells H, he is as op predicts, devastated. He cannot get beyond it. Marriage breaks down, kids upset, aggro with families and friends.

Let's say OP doesn't tell. She lives as it is, with a v difficult secret. Yes, it's not morally totally right. But it's not an unreasonable choice. OP has to decide. Neither is wrong.

FWIW you would not believe what I hear people living with everyday.

Hope you're OK OP.

Life's not perfect.

I agree Trifle, this is real life, and I know from bitter experience (although by no mean a comparable experience) that when you try and take all the weight of something on your own shoulders to save a marriage - for some people, some of the time - that crushes not only the person but takes the marriage with it. Sometimes the only chance you have of surviving something as a couple that is amongst the biggest things a lifetime could throw at you, sometimes the only chance you have is to risk it blowing everything you have out of the water and getting it all out in the open, because the alternative is a mirage - a tempting fantasy. Very few of us can bear that sort of weight on their shoulders for a lifetime; a questionable paternity, a pretend miscarriage, a rape never spoken of... it's not a small deal.

Previously Trifle I wouldn't have risked it. But knowing what I know, faced with this today I would. No judgement on anyone for taking either option.

I really really think you should tell your husband the truth and decide togetehr whether to keep the baby. This is so much pressure to handle alone.
It really sounds like you were raped. Yes it was bad to have drunk so much you were in a vulnerable position but that is a separate issue to a man deciding to take advantage of your situation to have sex with you. He raped you that was his decision, to have sex with someone unable to consent, it doesnt matter what you were doing, he is still responsible for that decision, he is a rapist!
You need to talk to your husband about this so he can help you. Please dont try and face all this alone.

If I told my DP I'd been raped by a workmate I would be physically unable to stop him from then kicking the shit out of said workmate, thus multiplying our problems.

if one of your kids or your husband or anyone you loved had been raped would you not want them to tell you for fear of your reaction or because they didnt want to put strain on the family?

If I told my husband I'd been raped in circumstances such as the OP describes I'm sure he'd be supportive of me but I'm not sure he'd be able to raise the rapist's child as his own, not even for me. Actually, I'm not even sure I'd be able to do it

My kids can tell people as they see fit, if they are adult. My husband, well it's hard to say. I can't imagine him coming to me and explaining he had flirted with a colleague then got too drunk to know if he had sex or not. My reaction would be complex if he did.

Sorry you've found yourself in this position op

I agree that this was rapes as you were too drunk to consent, it doesn't matter how you behaved earlier in the night.

I think something you need to look at further here is that your unable to talk to and gain support from your dh. For me I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't support me through such an horrific thing.

I'd keep the baby but would be honest with dh and go from there.

But it's not a straightforward case of telling him that she was raped and now facing the consequences together.

Read the OP. She came on to this thread because in her heart, she had cheated on her husband on a drunken night out and had fallen pregnant. She was planning to terminate the pregnancy without his knowledge and live with that fact for ever. Regardless of how achievable that would have been, that was her plan, and she had no intentions ever of telling him about the incident on the night out.

The only reason why she now might need to tell him is because he's realised that she was pregnant, and now wants them to keep the baby.

It's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and say "you were raped, and if your husband isn't supportive then he's an arsehole of the highest order and you should ltb anyway." Real life doesn't work like that.

From the husband's perspective, his wife is pregnant and he's happy about it even though it was unplanned. so imagine that the OP now comes to him and says "so, you know the baby? Well, it might not be yours, because I had sex on the night of my Christmas do six weeks ago and was to drunk to remember it. So actually as I wasn't in a position to consent I was actually raped and am not responsible. So I was planning to have an abortion and tell you that I'd miscarried."

People are naive if they think that most people would just be unconditionally supportive in those circumstances. Especially as the realisation would be there that, but for the fact he had realised she was pregnant, she planned to deceive him over the pregnancy and the termination and the night out, and everything else.

Regardless of the view on whether it was rape or not, I wouldn't blame a man for leaving in those circumstances. The alternative is fantasy.

Incidentally, it wouldn't have been possible to have a termination behind his back anyway given there is significant bleeding and recovery period afterwards.

FWIW I think you are making the right decision OP. Please book yourself in for some counselling after the termination though

I had an early termination and had no ongoing symptoms after a day visit to hospital. It's a grim thought but if I had to have a secret termination, I know I could.

MorrisZapp if my DP told me he'd flirted on a night out but was too drunk to know if he'd had sex and now the OW was pregnant I know what my reaction would be. And I know without doubt what the MN reaction would be if I posted about it here.

Well quite.

wannabe if the read the op was directed at me I have.

As for real life doesn't work like that well I suppose that depends on your life doesn't it.

I know if I was in ops situation I could go to dh and the fact that I'd been a drunken flirt would be totally outweighed by the fact that some bloke had taken advantage of the situation and raped me.

Nobody is expecting her husband to be totally fine and unbothered by the situation but his attitude towards the ched evans case says a lot about him imo.

WannaBe spot on

No it wasn't directed at anyone in particular.

But there are differing circumstances here aren't there?

If I came home after a drunken. Night out and told my DP I had been raped in those circs I know he would be supportive. But if I didn't tell him, got pregnant, booked a secret abortion behind his back and then told him when he found out about the pregnancy I don't think he would be quite as understanding. In fact I don't think many people would be. Especially when the realisation dawned that had he not realised about the pregnancy I was planning to take the whole thing, night out, pregnancy, abortion, everything, to the grave and never actually intended to tell him.

Can I just say that the OP never, ever, for a second, expected to continue the pregnancy and pass off someone else's child (if it was) as her DH's. that seems to keep coming up as a terrible thing to do, which was never in her mind to do at all

I do get where you're coming from wannabe nobody is going to be perfectly OK about being lied to but like I said for me I know I could tell my dh and whilst he would be seriously pissed off that I'd been flirting with somebody all night he would be more pissed off that a man had taken me home with help from a taxi driver and shagged me.