I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

AyeAmarock - it may well be bullshit. But I wasn't doing any extrapolating. The doctor told me it was 20% of all pregnancies - not just those that did DNA tests. Don't shoot the messenger…..

Wannabe as always - is spot on

OP and if it doesn't make you throw up.

It's not karma.

It's rape.

Only you know what the best option is for you.

But never, ever for one second think it was anything other than rape.

I don't think anyone has accused the OP of planning to pass off the baby as her dh's have they? But the OP is planning to pass off a termination as a miscarriage.

Stfrillian would your DH be as understanding though if you kept that information from him for six weeks and only told him because you'd got pregnant?

I'd not want to be lied to, whatever justifications lay behind the lies. I'd not want to unwittingly raise another man's child as my own and discover later that the child wasn't mine. I'd hope I could get past the inevitable anger, feelings of betrayal etc that would follow in those circumstances, but I'm honestly not sure I could and what would aggravate it is the knowledge that ultimately my wife couldn't/wouldn't trust me enough to tell me at the time.

I would rather know the truth right from the off. I might still feel angry, betrayed etc but I know I'd be far more likely to get over it than if it all came out 10 years down the line. I could then make an informed decision on whether I wanted to raise the child as part of my family, and accept the possibility it wasn't mine, then let my wife use that information to inform her decision as to whether she had the baby or terminated the pregnancy.

"MorrisZapp if my DP told me he'd flirted on a night out but was too drunk to know if he'd had sex and now the OW was pregnant I know what my reaction would be. And I know without doubt what the MN reaction would be if I posted about it here."

I see what you're trying to do here WannaBe, but it doesn't work turned on its head, because- unless she is lying about the circumstances of her drunkeness, and how outwardly obvious this would have been- the OP was raped. she didn't just have drunken sex. And the scenario cannot be turned on its head because- by definition- a man cannot be raped by a woman, nor can he get pregnant. so It's a total non sequitur to suggest that there is a reverse analogy which would outrage MN.

I don't think anybody is saying that the OP's B is going to be like, ' oh dear love, come here, let's hug it out'. (not least because he doesn't sound like a very tolerant or emotionally supportive man). I think the vast majority of men would struggle with this, There may be a small voice of doubt 'was she REALLY raped or is this a backtrack?, which may be true if there is a history of infidelity or lack of trust,

However in a good relationship, most men would be devastated and would want to support their partner. Most men would want to kick the rapist's head in, but would not be so idiotic and neanderthal as to do so. Most men are actually good human beings in my experience. I do appreciate that the OP's husband may not be one of them and that may drive her behaviour in ways that the ordinary advice goes against. I accept that the reality of his reaction may not match what many of the people on this thread who are giving advice would expect their own decent husbands to do.

Stfrillian would your DH be as understanding though if you kept that information from him for six weeks and only told him because you'd got pregnant?

The thing about tricky situations though is that they tend to snowball, then you feel like you've done so much to hide something that you can't come clean... sometimes things snowball so much you have no choice but to come clean in the end. Sometimes things are swept under the rug quite effectively. No-one can really know. Either way's a risk, and of course you risk the reactions of those around you. It's such a difficult situation.

wannabe my dh would be hurt and disgusted that I'd lied to him for so long he's not a saint but when there's bigger things involved like rape and a baby he would put his own feelings aside.

I appreciate not everybody is like that and only the op knows her husband and the depth of compassion he's likely to have.

You have been assaulted and it was not your fault. You need to tell your husband and if you are feeling any guilt for any of this then get some therapy. Leaving aside the horrible decision you have to make you were raped and your husband should know

The OP is in a bloody horrible position and needs support: this probably isn't a good time or place to discuss objective moral rights and wrongs and stress her out with them. OP please seek some real and confidential counselling urgently, there are many good recommendations in this thread of agencies to try.

The fallout from telling the husband 'might' be awful but not just because he doesn't belive that she was raped and is therefore an unsupportive arsehole.

He might be unhappy about her drinking and flirting on the night out.
He might be angry she didn't tell him straight away.
He might feel she let him tell his family and get excited about the baby without being honest.
He might feel immensely guilty for doubting her.
He might feel terrible for saying he does or doesn't want to go through with the pregnancy and feel unable to tell her what he wants her to do.
He might not want to go through the trauma of telling the police or he might really want her to.
He might want to talk about his concerns with all of his family and OP may not.
He might feel a whole host of emotions that ultimately mean his relationship changes..all of this could mean the couple can't move forward together. It doesn't mean he's an unsupportive terrible person.

It will come out, not least because the OP already feels guilty. The earlier you tell the other person the better as a rule. Trust is a major issue here. If it looks like you don't trust the other person, your relationship is over anyway.

OP, this is so serious, I would actually go and get professional advice now TBH. Is there a professional counselling service that people would recommend??

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/p_to_r/rape_and_sexual_offences/consent/

read this... it may help you clear your thoughts...

sorry to read of your despair sweetheart .. good luck

Is it rape if you just forgot you had sex/consented...? Bit harsh on some poor guy really.....

Well, to be honest I think having sex with a woman who's covered in her own vomit and unable to stand up unaided is also a "bit harsh".

If I came home after a drunken. Night out and told my DP I had been raped in those circs I know he would be supportive. But if I didn't tell him, got pregnant, booked a secret abortion behind his back and then told him when he found out about the pregnancy I don't think he would be quite as understanding. In fact I don't think many people would be. Especially when the realisation dawned that had he not realised about the pregnancy I was planning to take the whole thing, night out, pregnancy, abortion, everything, to the grave and never actually intended to tell him

I agree totally with this.

Ah yes, there are always a few MRAs lurking.

I for one, don't think the Op's DH would be supportive.

Because surely, he is going to be agog that she didn't come through the door in tears after the Christmas do, telling him immediately that she'd been raped and dialing 999.

He is going to wonder how she got through Christmas and New Year, being no different to her normal self.

He is going to think that she's only coming clean now, because she's pregnant and has no idea who the father is.

I do believe she was raped. But her reaction afterwards is what the DH is going to struggle to understand.

That said, some people can appear quite sober even when they are totally pissed. I went to a party last year, and spent quite a bit of time speaking with someone who I hadn't met before. He appeared tipsy, but not too bad. The next week, the same guy was at a festival we were at, and he actually said to me "pleased to meet you" That said, the Op was unable to walk and covered in sick, which is making me wonder whether actually this OM is just winding her up that they had sex....I mean who would actually find someone covered in sick attractive?

A few questions I have : did Op stay the night? Where did she tell DH she had been? Did she wake up still covered in sick? Go home covered in sick?

I think there are many ways a partner might react to the OP's news. Only she knows her husband and only she can judge what is likely to happen.

I think some people could keep a secret like this to the grave, others couldn't. Again, only she knows herself.

There are far too many imponderables for us to judge and it would need a wiser person than I am to say definitively what would be right or wrong. If the OP were a personal friend of mine, I would decide that the kindest thing would be to support her in making and sticking to whatever decision she thought best.

look for a BACP counsellor. They have to adhere to strict standards.

I think I probably would have the termination and keep quiet, as you say. I do think you will need counselling to help you come to terms with doing so, though, maybe now or maybe in any subsequent pregnancy. And you should have the termination while to you can still take tablets, induce a miscarriage as soon as you can. Even if that means no DNa testing first.

Life is hard, I hope you're ok.

Why should the OP even have to mention her drunken flirty dancing earlier in the evening?

It's irrelevant to what happened later. It's not a case of cause and effect.

All he needs to know is that the OP was so drunk she was sick down herself, that her rapist and the taxi driver had to get her upstairs and that she was raped while incapacitated.

Those are the only facts that matter here.

MumBod: Because if this went to court, those facts would definitely be considered relevant and there is no doubt the defence would call witnesses.