I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

I agree about not lying about paternity unless your DH and you are both in on it, for example if you had been trying for a baby for years and this was going to be your only chance, but you didn't want the rapist involved. DH would be the legal father anyway.

Before you do anything at all please go to a Sexual Health clinic and get tested. Besides everything else that happened and it's all awful you MUST protect your health by getting tested for STI's
If the Man who took advantage of you is in the habit of doing such things you have been opened up to a whole host of nasty infections 😞😞😞

Aw OP
I promise you that you are not the only woman who used to think that consent could be not being able to say no who then had it happen to them, you didn't deserve it and it certainly isn't karma. I can see where you are coming from re your husbands opinion on the CHed case, what about speaking to a doctor? Tell them the whole story that you were raped after being too drunk to consent and they should hopefully be able to give you counselling to overcome the feelings after a termination. These things have a habit of reappearing at a later date if not dealt with and if telling DH isn't an option at least get help for yourself.

To be honest, if I was in your situation I would 100% do the same as you.

The other options sound fine in a ideal world, but as things stand I can't see any of them ending well.

| SheSaidNoFuckThat:

I don't think it is the case that people are saying it is okay. They are trying to advise the OP based on what may be in her best interests, not what is 'right'. Easy to be sanctimonious. Not so easy to act in an impossible situation.

I have to say, I feel really sorry for you and the situation you've found yourself in. We are all entitled to let our hair down and some steam off from time to time, especially with three under four. We don't expect to end up with this outcome though. You've done nothing wrong and FWIW I would probably do the same as you. Of course if the testing can be done early enough for you to still have the pill that's great, but you need to get some counselling as others are right, these things tend to come back when we least expect them to and leak out in emotions. Good luck in your decision and know that you can only do what;s right for you now.

You can't deceive someone like that - regardless of if its in her best interest ffs. That's seriously wrong

The problem in this particular case with DNA testing is that the OP will have to ask her rapist for his assistance, let him on the information that she may be pregnant by him, and rely on his discretion afterwards. We know he's an immoral person. Men with morals don't take very drunk vomit covered women home with them to rape.. I'd be concerned that this could be something he could hold over her head?

I was told by a doctor during my pregnancy that approximately 20% of births are to couples in which the 'father' is not the real father, unbeknownst to him. Shockingly high stat, right?

It came up because I had a rare condition that would have put my baby at risk if its father didn't have the same blood type as me. I urged them to test DH, but they wouldn't do it as they said they couldn't be sure he was the father. Then I got those stats quoted at me.

Slightly off the point, I realise…..

I really hope you aren't a defence lawyer polly because you know fuck all about the law when it comes to this. Being carried in covered in vomit does indeed mean the op would be considered unable to consent. I wish to God people wouldn't talk about legalities on here unless they are actually qualified to do so. It's one thing saying that you personally believe men should be aware to have sex with women who are drunk to the point of paralytic but to imply the law is on your side is dangerously wrong.

*able to

First of all OP you were raped
You now find yourself in a really heartbreaking situation and I can honestly say that in your shoes I would probably do what you are contemplating- and I say that as someone who suffered a late Mc myself.
People are telling you to tell your DH everything and condem you for planning to lie but they aren't standing where you are and they don't know all the personalities involved.
My DH is a wonderful man but I think he would be far less destroyed by a "Mc" than the truth and perhaps your DH would too.
You have done nothing wrong up until this point and I think that if you do take this heartbreaking and terrible decision you are still doing nothing wrong and are trying to protect your family

| SheSaidNo: Well, she didn't suggest it so drop it, eh?

"(although it is probably fair to say you were raped, it is not going to be as simple as that in real life and everyone here knows it). I wish I could give you that advice, but I think I would be advising you to be braver and more naive than I am myself."

I agree with this. I strongly believe that the OP was raped (legally and morally and in every sense), but I also believe that there may be a lot of wishful thinking on this thread about how others will see it.

I think maybe it would help to separate the issues:

Rape is traumatic. OP, please talk to someone about this, for your own good. If you don't think you can reply on support from your husband and want to keep all this extremely confidential, then go to someone professional. Please. you are feeling guilt and that in itself will be taking a heavy toll on you. I think you are probably focusing on the practicalities of the matter as they are weighing heavily on you and looking after yourself is taking second place. don't forget about this part, even as you take care of the practicalities.

DNA testing: find out if this will help you (and help you in time). If it will delay you beyond the 9 weeks and you really feel that it is very important that you have a termination of the rapist's baby, then maybe put that aside.

I don't know a lot about this but I found this online:

www.prenatalpaternitiesinc.co.uk

"Use the enclosed swabs and directions to collect DNA samples from one or more potential fathers.

There is no extra cost for any number of samples, or you can collect discreet samples (toothbrush etc.), a list of which is further down this site under paternal discreet samples. You can send swabs and discreet samples, if necessary.

We advise that you collect these samples as soon as possible, they are stable for several weeks."

This site says that you can test very early in pregnancy from the mother's blood and the samples of potential fathers - which can be secretly collected.

If you are going to do this, think through how you will feel about aborting a baby, even if you abort the rapist's baby. Think through how you will feel when you know - will you be flooded with relief and happy to keep the baby it is your DHs? Or will there still be problematising factors? And if it is the rapist's - is knowing that DEFINITELY a good thing, because it will make an abortion less problematic? Or might other emotional problems arise? and who can you talk about those problems with? Again - make sure you have access to someone to talk to, someone highly confidential obv, which probably means a professional.

Pregnancy: whether or not you go ahead with the pregnancy, there will be all kinds of emotions swirling around. Think about how you will handle those.

Relationship with your DH: one way or another, you have made the decision to handle all this alone. Bear in mind that whether you mean to or not, you may come to resent him over this. You were raped, and you didn't feel he was there for you. Right now your own personal sense of guilt is drowning out you fully feeling this. But think about how you handle this if you have this kind of feeling, or other problematic feelings. Think about whether there are ways you may now, or in the future, be able to change your mind and tell him. If that seems right or sensible to you at a later time. You are making the decision to this alone, without his emotional support, and this will change your relationship. I don't criticise that decision - I know where it is coming from. But bear in mind that it will have consequences.

At least if you do have the DNA test and do have an abortion of the rapist's baby - at least in the future, if you ever do tell your DH you can be clear that you did not abort his baby. On the other hand - you will have to tell him that you went ahead and did quite a lot of secret stuff - which he might find more difficult.

Maybe it's moot as you will really never tell him.

Think hard about your future feelings and don't make quick decisions in a panic.

And if no one else - at least talk to us! talk to someone.

hugs]

Drop it? Some of us have morals, and have respect for our DHs

Yes and some of us have compassion and empathy.

Your idea of morality isn't shared by all of us shesaid.

| SheSaidNoFuCkThat: And some of us are hectoring twats.

Clearly it isn't else I wouldn't have wrote it.

I have compassion, but not just for the OP

Sorry, forget, it's Mumsnet, men have no rights, all men are bastards etc etc

I haven't read the full thread but wanted to suggest having a scan asap. They can often date the pregnancy very accurately so could give more info to work with. You may have ovulated significantly later than you think you did, thus eliminating the possibility that it is OM's baby.

Yeah, sure. If you want a pointless argument find another thread.

I'd probably do the same as you OP. I couldn't face lying to DH and always questioning the child's paternity.
For what it's worth, you have every right to report the apparent rape (as I see it) BUT MN is full of cries to go to the Police/report it/get him locked up bollocks. ...the sad reality in this country is that rapes are notoriously under prosecuted, you might go through the ordeal to tell your family - potentially ending your marriage only for the CPS not to take the case to court. This option is not the easy option, even if morally it should be.

If you have a test, maybe your other DC's DNA can be used to compare for a match. A single strand of hair might be an adequate sample.

I do have to accept some responsibility that I'm not blameless and my own actions have put me here.

No, they haven't! His actions have done that. Women are entitled to drink and wear what they like without being used.

It's obviously a difficult prospect for you, in considering telling your DH what happened. But you're also entitled to not have to carry this around with a heavy heart as a secret for the rest of your life, or until it comes out during an argument, or the baby has characteristics that are genetically impossible for your DH to have passed down, or the man from work tells him.

I think the DNA testing is a very good idea and then you and your DH would be in a position to figure out what's next.