I've done a terrible thing and I've backed myself into a corner

[HaraKiri]

NC for this but have been around for eons - pouffe of poo, super soakers, aitch, Cod, morningpaper etc.

I'm married with three young DC all under 4, marriage is ok, not amazing, but with so many young DC we are clearly in the toughest part and just about coping. We both agreed our family isn't complete yet and we want another child now, close in age, and get all the baby/toddler stuff over in one go.

My work Christmas party before xmas, I got ridiculously drunk. I was stupid and drunk more wine/shots than I've ever done before, and I slept with someone from work, unprotected. It sounds like I'm excusing my own beyond shit behaviour but I've never done anything like that before or since, and I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and won't again. FWIW, I had thrown up over myself in the cab, the "OM" said he and the cab driver had to carry me up to the OMs house because I couldn't walk, and yet OM and I still had sex. I don't remember anything and don't believe I had the capacity to consent. I never said anything after - just told OM it was a massive mistake and it would never happen again, and we have had no further contact.

I didn't take the morning after pill or anything after, god knows why. My head was a mess anyway and I didn't think I would get pregnant anyway - wasn't my fertile days etc.

Except the thing is, I did get pregnant this month, and the sex with work colleague was 3 days before my "fertile window". I had sex with DH throughout the month, including on fertile days.

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I would have to have a termination, despite how badly I want this baby, I couldn't risk that there was a chance, however small, it could be another mans. The ramifications for that baby and my existing children would be too much. I booked a termination with much regret and swore I would never breathe a word to anyone and living with this pain alone was a punishment I deserved.

Then DH noticed I was puking in the mornings etc, and begged me to take a test. I tried so many ways to get out of it, and couldn't, so DH knew I was pregnant and was thrilled, but I knew I still had to terminate, and that I would have to lie to him and say I miscarried.

Despite me begging him not to, he told our families who were also thrilled. There are so many people I have to lie to now.

I had a miscarriage a few years back after DC2 and it almost broke me, I was devastated and so was everyone around me. I'm going to have to lie to them all and pretend to do it again and the guilt is killing me already, but I can't keep this baby.

I can't see a way out. I can't tell the truth, I honestly can't. The act alone is bad enough but the lying that has followed is unforgivable. Telling the truth would end our family, ruin the lives of my girls.

But I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to breathe. I've fucked my life up so bad.

Completely agree that this sounds like rape. You couldn't consent. No man worthy of the name would have sex with a woman who was in that state. It sounds like you hardly knew where you were.
Speak to Rape Crisis. They may be able to advise on how to have the conversation with your DH.
And to echo what others have said: this isn't your fault. This. Isn't. Your. Fault.

Absolutely this. You aren't a cheat you are a victim. Yes you drank more than is wise but this "man" absolutely took advantage of that. Please seek some counselling and support as whatever you decide you need some professional help to get through this.

Also, if any DM journalist rips off this thread, I swear to God I am going to lead an army of Mumsnetters to post about how awful they are all over their LinkedIn/twitter/Facebook.

Oh, OP, I feel dreadful for you. You have my huge sympathy - yes you acted foolishly early in the evening, but I for one can see how it could have happened and don't judge you. What a grim situation to be in.

I think sorting the prenatal DNA test asap is probably the best thing to do. At least that way you may find that it is your husband's baby and you can just forget about the whole thing.

Good luck

Just clicked on your thread OP and didn't want to read and run.

What a terrible place to be for you to be in. I hate to point it out again, but yes this is rape. And you did NOTHING wrong. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Having been almost broken (like you say) by a few miscarriages myself, I know how difficult a termination would be for you, but you may have to go through it. I think an urgent counselling session before you decide. The DNA testing is a no brainer, if it's reliable.
I do think my H would be desperately upset for me if I told him what had happened but I do also understand this isn't how every man would react. And i understand you may not feel free to tell your H. Life's not perfect.

Look up the DNA testing asap. And decide. This is so difficult. While not ideal, not telling your H is a real option if you want your life to carry on as normal. Life's not perfect for any of us.

Fortunately I don't think the Hate Mail's readership would be interested in pages of people pointing out that having sex with a woman drunk to the point of semi-conciousness is rape. It might challenge their views and make them uncomfortable about their own sexual exploits.

OP. I think the only thing you can do is carry on with your plan to terminate if living with the thought of this not being you DHs baby is unbearable.

It does seem the least of several evils.

Your options are. To go to the police and say you were raped. You were undoubtedly foolish to drink to excess in that way but also weren't in a fit state to consent. Would DH be forgiving of this situation in view of his previous comments? Are you prepared to go through the trauma?

Tell DH about the incident and hope he supports you in your choice either to carry on with the termination or keep the baby and have a DNA test. Will it cause lasting damage and loss of trust? Is that worth it?

Say nothing and effectively live a lie. Do a secret DNA test and just hope that baby is DHs. Are you prepared to learn it's not? What implication for the future?

Say you had a miscarriage and put it behind you and just move on with your plans for another baby. Can you live with any guilt at terminating a life? Can you keep this secret forever?

johncleese that sounds like a good plan

Was your drink spiked?

But my actions earlier in the night - flirting, dancing, were inappropriate anyway, and I wouldn't have been in the situation I am now if I was sober that night and went home early instead of staying out drinking, and I do have to accept some responsibility that I'm not blameless and my own actions have put me here.

Although this is true drinking too much is a mistake that I imagine a vast majority of people had made. It can be very easy to loose track and loose control. It still doesn't give ANYONE the right to take advantage of you. Please don't loose sight of that.

Polly is being absolutely being flamed here but FWIW she is only half wrong. Whether or not someone experiences memory loss the day after drinking is to do with the way their short term memories are formed under the influence of alcohol; like all aspects of tolerance to alcohol, the point at which the brain stops storing memory differs from person to person. Not remembering the night before or parts of it is NOT in and of itself evidence that you were clearly unfit to consent. The accused could mount a (possibly fairly reasonable) defence on the basis that he didn't know you were that drunk, as plenty of people lose memory after having been reasonably in control on the night.

However, being in a state where you have to be carried IS evidence that you were clearly unable to consent. Obviously you would need the cab driver to testify to this. The reality and proving the reality are two different things.

Get the test done. Don't tell your husband. It will destroy your marriage.

How many weeks are you? I think the DNA testing is from 11 weeks. Could you cope with waiting?

If it is the rapists baby you know what you want to do.
If it is your husband's baby you won't abort a wanted baby.

Could you think about recording the details of events (somewhere secure). Like name of the taxi driver etc. So that if in the future, when the outcome of this pregnancy is in the past, and the panic is less, you may want to prosecute/tell someone.

HaraKiri you can of course make whatever decision is right for you regarding abortion. But it sounds like if you didn't perceive this baby as a potential risk to your marriage you wouldn't be considering termination. Just think for a second, marriages are fleeting - there's no guarantee of success even if you DO abort this baby. If you could see into the future and in ten years time your husband ups and leaves, would you still be happy with your decision?

Husbands are fickle things, even the strongest of bonds, and a lot of the time you don't get to choose whether you keep one or not. But wanted babies, babies that - were it not for the marriage - you would have kept... those things are rare. Of course you can choose your marriage - everyone gets to choose, just imaginable every possible outcome when making up your mind.

So please, just make sure the decision you're making is for you, not solely for your marriage. Your marriage will be or won't go the distance for many, many reasons in life, and will have to weather many storms, but the person you'll have to live with every day - the person you'll look in the mirror every morning and want to be happy with - is you. Make the decision you'll be happy with regardless of how everything else in life turns out.

Good luck.

But my actions earlier in the night - flirting, dancing, were inappropriate anyway, and I wouldn't have been in the situation I am now if I was sober that night and went home early instead of staying out drinking, and I do have to accept some responsibility that I'm not blameless and my own actions have put me here.

OP - you are saying that if you flirt, drink, or stay out late, then you are fair game. You're not. Men who don't rape would happily have flirted back, shared a drink with you and partied until dawn... and it would never have crossed their mind to rape you.

I just wanted to add that you definitely don't need the rapists DNA to prove the fetus is or isn't his. You might not even need your DH's DNA given you have access to your other children's DNA.

Sorry OP, crossed posts about the medical vs surgical abortion.

I am only pointing out what a defence lawyer would say if this was repeated. I have every sympathy with the OP, let's be clear. Being drunk and having to be supported to walk are not in themselves enough to say someone did not consent. I know this is a highly emotional issue , I agree the man behaved in a way that wasn't good, but I think- legally- it would be hard to prove he was a rapist , simply because many women have sex when very drunk and do consent. It's not cut and dried. So stop the flaming. I'm pointing out the pitfalls if it went further.

BarbarianMum: Read the second part of my post.

I just checked you can do a sibling relation DNA test which, if you also give your own DNA sample, will be able to give an answer as to whether the two children are half siblings or full siblings with very high confidence.

Polly: Having to be supported to walk IS enough to make a convincing case of rape. Don't be silly. Proving it is a separate issue but if the OP was unable to walk at the time intercourse took place, it was rape.

It really isn't your fault. We've all made mistakes and most of us didn't get raped. I've blacked out whilst drinking a couple of times at least when younger and helped home and not raped. You were very unlucky you met a low life scum bag. What a hard choice. I know what you mean op, if i was in the situation of having to abort i'd want to do so early personally, we've both lost babies early through MC, it happens naturally a lot and for some reason that makes it feel more tolerable and less tangible. I really hope you've got a RL person you can rely on.

Fucking horrible situation
Yes you were raped but that doesn't mean things will all be ok if you tell your husband. Your husband shouldn't believe rape myths but as he probably does you need to keep yourself safe in your situation.
FWIW I would have an early termination in your situation too.

What a horrible situation. I am trying to think what I would do. I think I would get the earliest DNA test I could and make the decision then. I would probably also tell the truth to my husband at some point, as quite frankly it sounds like a rape to me, and the bastard that did it deserves punishment. I know women get put through the legal mill in such circumstances but unless we report stuff society will never change. I think my husband would be upset but then supportive (we have an agreement that if the other one loses the plot we can do the honesty thing without too much censure).

Sorry but regardless of how it happened, you cannot have a baby with your DH believing it's his when there's a chance it isn't! I can't believe how many people think this is ok