Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

I do hope that they are indeed not feeling the full force of your anger. That would be good. But if there's an atmosphere it will affect them.
I know when my anxiety is bad that I'm snappier and can appear to go from coping to furious suddenly which isn't good and I do need to be careful to be aware that it's building. That's why I am suggesting that irrespective of your DH you need to look at what's going on. One day they'll be teens and pushing your buttons in a fashion that's totally different to now!

Walk away if you feel like you're getting angry.

Op did you husband give you a bit of a shock today , is that what this is, you've maybe realised he may be reaching the end?

Sit him down and talk to him, apologise, tell him how you intend to change and what steps you will take.

Kindness and empathy is about understanding how the other person feels. And to do that you need to understand how it would make you feel to be that person on the receiving end. By caring enough about someone to not want them to feel bad, but to make them feel good.

For info, the reason I don't behave like you describe, is not because I don't get angry, I do, I am and was determined by daughter would not grow up in the same environment I did. That determination over rode any red mist. Although to be fair it's descended a few times and I've let rip, but no more than a dozen times in the 27 years I've been with my husband. We all get angry though, which is different to the red mist, and angry is fine, it's how you handle that anger and show it.

No, lack of empathy/kindness and anger do not go hand in hand.

You can feel empathy/kindness for someone who has had to endure years of being verbally abused by the very person that is meant to love them and also feel anger at the person doing the abuse.

OP...you sound like someone who is very good at finding and attaching any old excuse to justify your abusive behaviour to your partner and children. Lots of people have had crappy childhoods and lots of us are nothing like you. I am not cruel or nasty to the ones I love because I have had that done to me and I know how awful that is.

I think you are just someone who likes things done your way and have gotten used to it by using rage and bullying to get what you want/ need and then cry when someone pulls you up on it. You use rage and anger and mental abuse as a tool and when someone doesn't toe your lines you then play the "poor little me" card.

Grow the fuck up. You can change how you act and feel IF you want to.

But from reading your posts I don't think you actually want to change, you want your DH and children to be "seen and not heard" and do what you want all the time and have found a way of getting what you want.

At the moment you have everything and you have all the control, until he leaves you and takes the kids that is. Which, I hope he does. No one should have to put up with what he and the children go through every. single.day.

Cry if you want. It won't help you or your issues. Nor will it help your relationship with your DH or children.

Don't shout if the children are naughty, instead keep your voice down and explain why you're not happy. This is soooo much more effective.

(same applies when dealing with DH too).

Let the children be noisy sometimes. Learn to deal with noise (they are having fun and making memories).

Op you know you lack kindness and empathy - from when? From the first DC and you carried on? My dad didn't yell at me till I was a teen. You sound worse than him actually, your thread title is gob smacking. You don't yell at them at now because they seem too little I expect.

If you have just gone down the marriage and kids path because you are damaged, perhaps your DH should have majority custody. As for atmosphere - how different everything could have been if my folks had divorced when they were little.

Of course people have kids because they want them but I wonder about knowingly having them when you lack kindness and you know that.

You sound like a nightmare. Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear. Cut the poor bloke some slack.

OP, don't compare youself to others. Not everyone has the resilience to cope with life's problems without additional support.

You need to go back to basics and learn how people communicate. You need to understand what has gone wrong in how you and your DH communicate.

Can I ask - when he asked who was taking the children to school - what did you think this meant ? I know some people who would have taken it at face value and others who would have guessed or instinctively known the sentiment behind it. I'm wondering which interpretation you put on it.

that's true actually, i could learn from how others have overcome it even though they were from similar backgrounds. I didn't think of it.

That sentence too speaks volumes about your view of the world - you in the centre and no-one else matters.

I think one of the things that might benefit you and your family is one of things I did when dealing with my own demons.

I chose to trust in my DH more than I trusted myself. I couldn't trust my own instincts and judgement and that made me feel confused and every sort of negative emotion possible.

So DH and I sat and talked. I explained that I knew he was suffering because of me and that I was ashamed of that but that it was the last thing I wanted and if possible, could he help.

It took a leap of faith on both our parts, me to trust and temporarily defer to him, him to put himself in the firing line by expressing himself and hoping I'd take it the right way.

That in charge mbination with my counselling lead me to turn a corner, I soon started to feel my way again, he didn't feel powerless and like he had control again.

To do this takes agreement and discussion when both in a good mood to talk through common scenarios and flash points and work out in advance the best way to tackle them when they arise that give as best outcome for you both.

Unless you have aspergers your ability to have empathy comes from your thoughts.
Some how you justify your behaviour as I'm sure you practice self control around others.

Perhaps you feel your dh will tolerate your behaviour? That he has no choice, or his role is to be subverient to you because you had a tough upbringing.

Compassion is wanting to reduce the sufferings of others.Kindness is doing something for someone to make their day more positive.

Perhaps you need to set yourself daily compassion and kindness targets.

You were not compassionate or kind to your husband and for him that's pretty scary to live with.It undermines everything when you feel your partner is capable of cruelty.

So you have no kindness towards your children?

No empathy if they are upset at school?

He sounds to me like a man whose every scrap of control, in that moment, went into spilling the tea rather than chucking the whole cup at you.

Exactly. I think he's very close to leaving you. I suspect he stays around only to try to protect the children from your behaviour because he worries how you would treat them if he wasn't there to take the brunt of your anger.

I think you need to get some proper, professional help FAST or you'll find yourself in court trying to justify why you should ever be allowed to see your kids again.

Yes you had a shitty childhood. But you can be the one to break that cycle of abuse for your children's sake. Please seek help.

I totally understand what you mean exploded.

I'm reading everyone's posts, just making dinner now and dealing with the dc.

Dh is back although he doesn't seem to be in the mood to talk. He's made himself some tea and warmed up some bread and shut himself away in the living room. I went in to tell him our tenants rang with an issue and he said 'tell them to deal with it themselves,' so I've left him to it for now.

blis in the moment I genuinely thought he was asking who's taking them , and he didn't seem too bothered when I said you. But in hindsight, he wouldn't have asked that on a normal day because he takes them so of course he wanted me to say I'll take them today. I really should have.

How does he normally react after an argument ? Does he usually respond to the horrible texts you say that you send ? Do you apologise or does he ?

It's a bit worrying that you both appear to have no idea how to talk to each other outside of your usual roles but I'm beginning to think that you both have issues that need to be worked on.

cup - so why didn't he just say that ? Was he scared of your reaction, trying to avoid a fight or was he wanting to be a martyr ?

Have you always viewed the world in black and white OP?

I guess he felt like it would cause an argument because I hate doing the morning run.

Usually he does reply to the messages, and that's how we end up having the blazing rows. Then I usually end up apologising and doing the making up.

misery yes probably I do.

Why do you hate the morning run? Noisy children and crowds?

I like what joy'smum said. I wanted to say it but didn't know how to because of the risk to your DH when he puts himself in the firing line. If he will take the step, and if you can try to trust him, then letting him tell you when you are getting disregulated would really help.

Think of how a toddler when tantruming, or a baby screaming. That is you acting out. You've switched off your higher thinking skills and are operating at a basic emotional level. When you feel a bit out of control- things aren't going your way, you don't understand something- you scream until things are back in your control again. You need to learn to interrupt that before it happens, to self soothe. Have a little treat you can associate with soothing yourself- a hot milk and honey, a squirt of perfume, some posh handcream. When you start ramping up, ask him to tell you, so you can take yourself away and self soothe with one of your treats.

Does that sound like how you feel, could it work? Only you can say.

cup - i think you need to consider that your communication issues aren't all down to you and that you both need to deal with this. You need to address your own feelings separately and then look at the issues that you have as a couple because your DH plays a role in this too.