Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

Just revisiting this.

Of course your DH owes you nothing and it's not his job to fix you.

I was so lucky that mine was so understanding of my bad behaviour. He luckily thought I was worth it.

As time went on, my counselling spikey diagram helped me, and him, to tease out my flash points. This meant I could predict and interrupt the cycle with the coping strategies I learnt worked for me.

What happened in my past is an explanation, not an excuse. Going for counselling was the single biggest indicator to DH that I was serious about wanting to change. Mine took 9 months to come up but it was vital to my change and vital to my family to see that there was hope.

Can you see how upset you are over DH having an angry episode? He's been living with yours for god know how long.

Let it go and actually apologise to him saying you've seen a small Window into what it's been like for him....

OP, can you read back your own messages and ignore all the posts in between ?

You haven't painted a picture of yourself as a monster at all. You've said you have issues with your anger, you're pregnant, that you get a bit frustrated with your kids, you're getting help dealing with your emotions and implied that your DH has been putting up with you and yet with each negative or constructive post from others, you take it on the chin and ask how to improve yourself. It's not selfish to make your own thread all about you, BTW.

Your gut reaction was that your DH's reaction this morning was over the top but you've allowed yourself to be talked out of that. DH says you were loving when you first met but you can't describe that for yourself but instead rely on his interpretation. DH sulks and won't communicate or explain to you.

You know his reaction this morning was wrong. You seem to think that a lack of kindness on your part triggered it. Your DH was all lovely and appreciative when you were looking after him. That stopped today and instead of pointing out to you that he still felt crap, he tried to get you to take the kids to school but wouldn't ask you. And yet, you say if it had been pointed out to you that he needed help, you'd have done so. He doesn't tell you he's pissed off. He criticises your work, he not that ill, let's face it and he reacts by physically lashing out and chucking tea on the bed. That's not a man having a melt down because you've pushed him to his limit - that's a man having a tantrum. And where's your explosive, uncontrollable temper at his twattish behaviour ? It's not there and you're acting like a normal person faced with an overreaction from her partner.

I'm not saying that you don't have issues to deal with but so does he and you need to retain a little perspective. Women who suck it up the way you've done on here are either women whose self esteem is so low that they can't see left from right in terms of normal, loving behaviour or someone who truly doesn't give a damn and just wants to revel in the attention.

OP, I want to say that I think you've had quite a bit of tough feedback here whcih you've taken pretty well on the chin.

Of course you see things in black and white - those are the colours you learned as a child. Now you know there are more colours, but learning to see them is hard, and will take time.

There's a really good book called The Dance Of Anger by Harriet Goldman Lerner, that is about how family dynamics can result in people not managing anger well.

Also if you have the funds, there's the Hoffman Programme, whcih is an intensive 5 day residential deep therapy course that focuses specifically on our relationship with our parents (and their parents... and so on). It changed my life.

THere are three virtues for good living - honesty, courage, and kindness. If you only have two of the three, it's lopsided - so someone with honesty and courage but no kindness is rude, opinionated, and self centred. If you just have kindness and honesty but no courage, you never ask for what you need directly but get it via manipulating others. And so on.

It seems to me you're short on courage to ask for help from your DH, friends, loved ones; you're short on kindness, and long on honesty 'you're pissing me off!' is honest, at least - but not kind. So practice empathy. Ask youself, watching one of your children, 'what might they be feeling now?' and see if you can put yourself in their shoes. And you need courage to think about what you are actualy feeling - anger is after all a 'red flag' that something is wrong in one's world. It can be really hard to identify and say what is making you angry - it isn't for example that he threw tea on the bed, but that he was unpredictable, that he acted out of character and that scared you. And it's easier to feel rage, than fear. So you feel and express the rage, not the fear. So next time you feel that clenching that says anger is about to burst out, or a snide comment, stop and ask yourself, what do I really need, what do I really feel?

Good luck. I admire your honesty.

oh dear god I've written an essay! I'm sorry

Oh come on Blistory

Her DH finally had enough of her ongoing anger and bullying attitude and, because he was feeling ill couldn't cope with her sniping remarks to him and her nip picking and her demands that he should be grateful for her being nice to him for one day (and only because he was ill) and so he finally crakced and it is his fault?

Pull the bloody other one.

Maybe he should be soooooo very grateful that she didn't follow it up with her usual abusive emails/ texts/ phonecalls to him like she normally does and thank her for that?

I'm a little surprised he followed her into the bedroom, though. He told her she was being snappy, so she left the room. He made a cup of tea and then followed her into the bedroom. I'm not sure she was the one who picked the fight.

It's clearly an unhealthy dynamic.

I have read this thread with interest and quite frankly you are the most self-absorbed, selfish person I have encountered for a long time. You are saying "I can be bad because I had a bad childhood (and I don't care if you have had one to), I can behave badly because I want to change but am making no positive changes to do so, how dare my husband react to my bad behaviour"
You are seeking sympathy and approval for your behaviour - no chance young lady. Believe me when I say that lots of people have had worst childhoods and they have made better lives for themselves and not practiced the self indulgent behaviour you have,

Seriously your DH should take the children and leave, better them and better for him ............... and you had to think as to why he was upset when he had to take the DC to school - I give up and not in a nice way

picklemepopcorn Because the poor bastard had decided to go to work so had to go into the bedroom to get dressed, you know, like normal people do.

Sorry Badcat but this

Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok

reads to me like the start of a set up on the DH's part. Actually, if the OP has posted what actually happened then it reads to me like he's a twat and she got her punishment the next day for not mindreading and pandering to him.

I understand that others will interpret it differently but hopefully hearing all views will help the OP.

I think the problem is that so much damage has been done, your DH is going to be looking for and expecting snipes, nasty comments etc in anything you say, so even if you think you're being neutral and normal in saying to him to take them to school or in your replies, he's going to hear the worst possible interpretation in his head.

In other words you're going to have to over compensate now to have any chance to make this better.

My advice is to record yourself speaking as you do during an angry phase.

Then play it back and imagine he's saying what you are.

Op I have been reading this and don't want to like innwith more criticism. You've had a lot on here and in fairness you have taken it on the chin. And I'm sure you already feel awful.

I so hope that today and the shock you felt at being on the receiving end of the anger you dish out so often is a turning point for you. And your DH and dc

I don't think it is helpful to compare abuse and how people cope with it. OP has her own reaction to her childhood and is an individual. But I feel sorry for her husband and kids as I grew up walking on eggshells and it is very hard for me to trust and i can also explode - but five years of therapy has helped a bit

reads to me like the start of a set up on the DH's part.

An alternative interpretation is that he knows that OP has bouts of 'explosive anger', (by her own admission) lacks empathy and kindness and hates doing the school run. So he decided that it'd be easier to just get on with it.

Something to add to your list is asking yourself if this is the hill you want to die on? Is there anything to gain from having a go at someone about this particular thing?

And those deep breaths I mentioned in a pp never go amiss.

^reads to me like the start of a set up on the DH's part. Actually, if the OP has posted what actually happened then it reads to me like he's a twat and she got her punishment the next day for not mindreading and pandering to him.

I understand that others will interpret it differently but hopefully hearing all views will help the OP.^

To me it reads that the OP is very rarely loving to her DH and so he said thank you as perhaps he actually felt the OP actually cared for him for once. It also reads volumes at how much the DH feels unloved by the OP.

It also says a lot when the OP was nice to him one day and then back to normal and expecting her DH to take the kids to school even though he was still ill speaks volumes of the OP and how she views her DH. She has even said she could have taken the kids to school but didn't even cross her mind to do so and has said she has no empathy at all.

Maybe the DH thought the OP was finally getting better by being nice to him when he was poorly and by her saying "You take the kids" he realised she hadn't changed at all.

Badcat, I thought he'd already taken the children to school, so was dressed. Hard to tell really. To be honest, with OP having anger issues, her DP will have developed some coping strategies which may not be hugely helpful in the long run either.

OP, your husband is still ill. Why are you bothering him about tenants? That can wait. He hasn't been able to rest today as he wanted to, because of you. Why don't you see if he wants a drink / blanket / medicine / basic tlc? Actually treating him as someone you care about might be a good plan at this point.

Picklemoon - Read the OPs first post. she said he went into the bedroom to get dressed to go to work. You can take the kids to school in clothing unsuitable for wearing to work you know.

Maybe he has to wear a suit or look smart rather than wear clothing that he can wear to lie on the sofa because he is feeling crap and ill.

You can only develop so many "coping skills" before you snap. Sounds like being ill and having to go to work to get some peace was the straw that broke his back and his "coping strategies".

The OP should have coping skills and strategies in place so SHE is able to deal with HER anger issues and not let it all rest on her DH and kids to have the "coping strategies" in place so the OP doesn't blow her top all the time.

The anger issues are HER problem... she should have learnt to dealt with them by now.

Why do you hate doing the morning run?

No, I agree, her problem. The strategies I suggested are for her to carry on working on her problems. I was just a bit bothered about him following the person with explosive anger issues after she left the room. Due to my own upbringing, I am so avoidant, I can't imagine following an angry person. The angry person used to follow me, ranting and provoking. We all see things through our own experience.

Not everyone picks up subtle hints. Some people take the world literally and react to the world around them.

When OP's husband asked who was taking the children to school, it never occurred to her it was him hinting for her to offer. Had he said, I really don't feel well, I know you don't like the school run, but, please could you do it today? He wasn't clear.

I'd imagine a lot of the arguments stem for miscommunication or something being misconstrued?

I don't think OP deviates from routine. Part of the routine was DH taking the children to school.

Soz Picklemoon. Didn't mean to rant at you.

I had the same thing, I'd try and avoid it and go somewhere else and get followed or the person would go to where I knew I would have to go so I had no escape. I have a feeling the OP knew her DH would need to go into the bedroom which is why she went there (also her DH would be unable to go back to bed and hide from her).

I just feel so sorry for the kids and that someone, who is ill, has to go to work to get some rest.... and what if this has broken the DH more than the OP knows? He could be on the brink of depression with all the stress...

Badcat I don't understand why you're so invested in pointing out to other posters that their interpretation is wrong. Coming from some one whose advice to the OP was to tell her to grow the fuck up and to cry if she wants, I'd suggest that it's even more important that the OP reads a variety of opinions and suggestions for resolution.

GAH!!! I meant Picklemepopcorn!! Gorram stupid autocorrect!!