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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Angry dh threw cup of tea

394 replies

cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 12:30

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed Shock

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 16:00

Back from the school run. I won't be able to reply as much now as the dc are back and have various lessons etc to get to but will try to read and reply as I go along when I can.

I don't have my head stuck in the sand, I'm fully aware of the effect I am having on my family and am taking steps to change it. I do acknowledge that other people may have had worse childhoods and haven't turned out like me, but that means nothing to me right now. I'm here now and my focus is on turning this whole thing around.

OP posts:
Greenfingeredfun · 23/01/2017 16:02

Means nothing to you? Nice.

ChicRock · 23/01/2017 16:03

Yes of course it means nothing to you - because it's all about meeeeeeee!

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 16:05

pickle that sounds very accurate actually.

I think when I left home i did become a completely different and free person and that's when I met dh and that's who he fell in love with. I actually remember feeling like I could be anyone I wanted to be. But it was something about getting married/being a family perhaps that dragged me back to that place and that kind of mentality. And here we are 8 years later, in a complete mess really.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 23/01/2017 16:12

You've not mentioned how old your kids are? They're obviously school age. You talk about anger towards them and your dh how do you treat them? Do you throw stuff? Shout?

Miserylovescompany2 · 23/01/2017 16:18

If your family are such horrible people, why put yourself there? Why expose your DC to them. Surely you'd go no contact. Your family aren't emotionally abusing your husband. You are. Own that behaviour, don't blame others for your actions.

Would you stay in an abusive relationship? You left home, went to university, had children and then suddenly turned abusive? I'm not quite getting that bit? Or did you suddenly feel secure enough to be true self? Did your husband fall for you when you were on your best behaviour?

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 16:18

So use that to help you reset. You are not in that old abusive family anymore. You do not want to recreate it. You have new fresh relationships, and do not need to repeat all those old mistakes.

It is possible it is too late, that you have damaged your family beyond repair. I don't know. You may have to ask them.

The thing is, someone wise told me, just because you have decided to do better today doesn't mean that everyone else has. I was shocked to discover that I couldn't just start every day with a fresh slate. The pain from previous days is still there.

Hang in there op, don't give up.

SallyInSweden · 23/01/2017 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

picklemepopcorn · 23/01/2017 16:19

So use that to help you reset. You are not in that old abusive family anymore. You do not want to recreate it. You have new fresh relationships, and do not need to repeat all those old mistakes.

It is possible it is too late, that you have damaged your family beyond repair. I don't know. You may have to ask them.

The thing is, someone wise told me, just because you have decided to do better today doesn't mean that everyone else has. I was shocked to discover that I couldn't just start every day with a fresh slate. The pain from previous days is still there.

Hang in there op, don't give up. It's taken years to get to this point, it will take a while to turn around.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 16:47

I do feel as though the marriage is damaged beyond repair to be honest.

OP posts:
Atenco · 23/01/2017 16:47

I haven't tried it myself so I may be wrong, but I think Neurotics Anonymous might the place where you could find help, as in free therapy.

And I have to commend you, OP, on acknowledging your faults. You got a slating after telling us yourself about your anger management problem. That is definitely a first step in the right direction.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/01/2017 16:53

I do feel as though the marriage is damaged beyond repair to be honest.

Easier to act on that than to change isnt it OP, you could even justify more abusive behaviour with that one I'm sure

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 16:54

Thanks atenco, I'll have a look into that.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 16:55

justanother no it isn't easy to change. And nowhere have I justified my behaviour so please don't have a dig without offering constructive advice.

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/01/2017 16:59

Ok here goes constructive advice

Stop, realise that how bad you think it is it's worse for those around you. Dont expect anyone to make any changes for you, why should they its always about you anyway. Before you respond to any question or request, stop, and look at the response you were going to give before giving it. Do extra, might be more stressful for you but oh well bout time you carried your weight in stress. Abusers always say I'll change but they dont often do that, be 1 of them that does

ExplodedCloud · 23/01/2017 17:04

Whether or not you stay married is really in DH's hands in the short term.
You however have no choice where your dc are concerned so you have to change your behaviour. You can fix that relationship.

Joysmum · 23/01/2017 17:09

A lot has been said about your anger issues, I think it's so much more than that tbh, and just as worrying.

You seem to lack basic kindness and empathy.

Why would he be doing the school run when he's not well enough to be at work and why wouldn't you appreciate that? He shouldn't have needed to prompt you to say you were taking the kids in and that's where, quite rightly, he became upset and angry when added to the grind of everything that's wrong with the marriage until then.

Why should he need to be grateful for basic care when ill or see that basic care as anything other than normal for people who love each other? It shouldn't take effort to care for someone you love and you shouldn't expect gratitude.

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 17:09

I do realise that exploded but I think dh has taken the brunt of it and our marriage has suffered as a result. Although I do get annoyed with the dc over the usual stuff (taking forever/messy rooms etc) I am nothing like that around children. Of course I am not a perfect mother, least of all because of the way I've been treating their father, and I do understand the implications this and a failed marriage will have on their wellbeing, but in terms of fucked personal relationships, I don't think it can get worse between me and dh to be honest and I wouldn't blame him if he left me now.
I understand what someone said earlier, maybe pickle, that just because im now ready to change, doesn't mean he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 17:13

joys yes I lack kindness and empathy, that is so true what you just said. That is I think what dh can't tolerate, more than the anger, because this time it wasn't about my anger was it? It was the lack of kindness. Do you lack of kindness and anger go hand in hand ? How do I develop kindness and empathy ? I feel so embarrassed actually writing that down.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/01/2017 17:18

Well I admire your honesty in terms of your behaviour op, maybe not so much the self pity and yes you did justify it by effectively blaming your Behaviour as an adult on your childhood. Your over rider that the fact other people went through worse and don't do this as adults means nothing to you was very insightful as it also shows total self absorbtion. The me me me attitude previously referred to by other posters. You weren't remotely curious how they managed it and could you learn from it, your sole response was more in line of I don't give a fuck.

Maybe what could help is thinking how your children feel.do you want them to grow up and look back and say you abused them, that they were brought up in an abusive home and to not want to see you? What about when they are older and start doing it back to you. Standing up to the bully. As that's really what you are. A bully and one day they will shout back. Or they will act out at school and do it to other kids.

I'd also think about uour marriage, do you love your husband, want to remain married to him? Because if you do, behaving from now on can maybe fix this, it doesn't mean you can't get angry again, but it does mean you need to control yourself within normal acceptable levels when you do get angry. If you need to seek help in this, then do so, as a positive step.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/01/2017 17:18

Kindness and Empathy can be devoloped by constantly asking yourself how such and such feels, if you are in a mood huffing and puffing around how will that make those around you feel? Take the time to look at yourself objectively and how you are perceived by your family in that moment

JustAnotherPoster00 · 23/01/2017 17:18

*developed

Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 17:24

just you made some good points earlier and now. Thank you. I don't think I've been perceived positively by dh for quite a while, and the anger that's been directed at dh has most likely been misunderstood by the dc as maybe directed at them, I don't know. If that's the case then I feel truly awful.

I'm writing a list of strategies to help me react differently in the moment. Can anyone add to the list ? So far I have :

Stop and think before giving a reply. If it's hurtful/angry/agressive, change it.

No phone calls or text messages to dh when angry.

Think of the dc perspective. How is my behaviour making them feel about themselves and about home?

OP posts:
Original poster
cupofteainbed · 23/01/2017 17:26

bluntness that's true actually, i could learn from how others have overcome it even though they were from similar backgrounds. I didn't think of it.

OP posts:
SaorAlbaGuBrath · 23/01/2017 17:26

Another suggestion for learning empathy (something I've learned too) is before you speak, think how it would make you feel if someone said it to you. That can be a good starting point.